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Wife of an alcoholic

Old 09-05-2017, 01:11 PM
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Wife of an alcoholic

Good Afternoon,
I just joined this page, first time posting to any forum. I have been married for 11 years to my husband who has been drinking for 6 of those years. He admits he has a problem & says he wants to quit but does nothing to help himself & puts the blame on me. He drinks alone & does not drink in front of me or our 2 kids (daughter 17, son 7) but it is not a secret either. He is just ashamed so drinks alone. I have held onto hope for so many years because he always holds a job, most would never know he drinks for he does not stumble or stutter but on average he drinks 12 beers a day. He has stayed consistent for years but this last year he did a few things I cannot ignore & realized it could get worse & probably will. He went into detox for 3 days last year & tried another 2 times to quit but does not seek help & always tries to do it alone. I just do not believe he is really ready to quit. I have educated myself on this disease & I do not allow his blaming to sink in for I know that is just a part of the disease. I work full time & could financially afford to support me & my kids & I am running out of hope & energy. Our marriage over the years is slowly turning into roommates for I am not attracted to this disease & he wants more out of our marriage but I have told him as long as he drinks, this is the best I can do. I would do anything to support him should he really want to quit. I would go to meetings or take care of the house & kids if he wanted to go to meetings & do whatever it takes. But he thinks it is a quick fix, let's have a good weekend & all will work out but there is no quick fix. I have no issues doing the work. Even if it takes a few years for then we get the rest of our lives but he does not seem to want to do the hard work. I want more for my life & for my kids. My oldest has noticed & in time my younger one will too. I want them to understand marriage is hard & you fight for it but I do not want them to see their Mom stay in a situation that is not fair to us. I am reaching the point of asking him to leave even though it breaks my heart for our marriage & my son who loves him to death but I am not really helping him by staying & just allowing him to continue drinking because he is comfortable with a roof over his head & our bank account to drink from. It is so hard for me to be the mean one & ask him to leave until he is quits but I have to remind myself how I am helping him? Sorry for the long post! Any thoughts, ideas or advice are welcome!
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:32 PM
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Stacy, welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here, but sorry that you're in a situation where you needed to go looking for this sort of help.

It's great that you've educated yourself about alcoholism--it sounds like you've definitely done your homework. It's also good that you're reaching out for support even if AH won't look for help for himself. I'd like to suggest Alanon for some f2f support as well as coming here to read and post. Alanon and SR were a good combo for me and have really helped me to learn and grow.

I hope you can take some time and read around the forum. There is a tremendous amount of experience, strength and hope here. I would also recommend checking out the "stickies"--here is a link showing how and where to find them, if you haven't seen them already: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html

Again, welcome. I wish you strength and clarity going forward, and I hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
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Old 09-05-2017, 02:11 PM
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I think that when it's done in your mind it's done and you are simply delaying the inevitable.
Me and my A argue constantly. Truth be told I can't stand the drinking and the effects any more and I nitpick, over react and am utterly resentful. I feel no respect nor affection for him because of the drink.
I just need to cut the cord and get it over with.
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Old 09-05-2017, 02:27 PM
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Stacy.....Welcome. I am gong to give you a link to the Classic Readings collection of articles (from our stickies section). There are dozens and dozens of wonderful articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.
I hope you will take time to look through them, and, read the ones that appeal to you....
I hope that you will read other people's threads, in addition to your own....There are thousands on the is forum...yes, thousands....of real life stories on here...you will find your exact same story over and over, again......

Here is that link to the Classic Readings:

It is not unusual for alcoholics to think that they can "do it on my own". That they can white knuckle it. That they can "control" it by just will power, alone.
There is no point in arguing with an alcoholic on that issue...lol...because, you won't get very far...They usually have to learn on their own.

One thing that I can say, is that parents almost always underestimate how much their kids know about what is going on around around them. You would be surprised at what kids know. They are like little sponges that absorb everything in their environment. Alcoholism always has an effect on the kids who live with it...even if it doesn't show at the time....even if they don't talk about it.....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
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Old 09-05-2017, 02:43 PM
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You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders. I'm not so sure asking him to leave or your own leaving would be enough to make him stop drinking. That bottom is different for every alcoholic. Guess what I mean to say is, if you need to exit your relationship with him in order to keep your sanity and make a life for yourself and your children, then so be it. Your happiness and quality of life are worth something. You shouldn't have to sacrifice them for someone who is more concerned with drinking and living in a alcoholic haze.
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Old 09-05-2017, 05:37 PM
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I'm so happy you found us Stacy and sorry for what brings you here.

I left my qualifier when he told me he was quitting and didn't need help. I knew it just didn't work that way. However we were not married and didn't have kids so it was a lot easier than it is for married folks. Still it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Let us know how you are doing.
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Old 09-05-2017, 07:33 PM
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My fear of my children's reaction was what kept me from taking action for a long time.

What made me change my views was was when I realized he was not acting in a fatherly way. They weren't really getting much of a father. He was always passed out or too intoxicated to interact.

Learn as much as you can about your options. Your happiness is also important.
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Old 09-06-2017, 08:00 AM
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Stacy - I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I want you to know that I completely understand everything you described. My STBXAH drank alone as well, admitted he had an issue, resisted help, told me he could "control" it, blamed me, and was unable to be a father to our child because of his addiction.

It is incredibly hard to leave, I will not lie, for many different reasons. Guilt, fear, false hope that maybe it will get better. For me, it continued to escalate to a point of no return and the choice became obvious. My child is very young so I can only imagine that the thought of leaving is extremely hard since your children are older and aware. That said, by setting a boundary to protect them will ultimately help them. It will help them learn what is OK and what is not OK.

Be safe. Be well. Sending you good thoughts and strength to do what you need to do for your children and for you.
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Old 09-07-2017, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Stacy0701 View Post
Good Afternoon,
I just joined this page, first time posting to any forum. I have been married for 11 years to my husband who has been drinking for 6 of those years. He admits he has a problem & says he wants to quit but does nothing to help himself & puts the blame on me. He drinks alone & does not drink in front of me or our 2 kids (daughter 17, son 7) but it is not a secret either. He is just ashamed so drinks alone. I have held onto hope for so many years because he always holds a job, most would never know he drinks for he does not stumble or stutter but on average he drinks 12 beers a day. He has stayed consistent for years but this last year he did a few things I cannot ignore & realized it could get worse & probably will. He went into detox for 3 days last year & tried another 2 times to quit but does not seek help & always tries to do it alone. I just do not believe he is really ready to quit. I have educated myself on this disease & I do not allow his blaming to sink in for I know that is just a part of the disease. I work full time & could financially afford to support me & my kids & I am running out of hope & energy. Our marriage over the years is slowly turning into roommates for I am not attracted to this disease & he wants more out of our marriage but I have told him as long as he drinks, this is the best I can do. I would do anything to support him should he really want to quit. I would go to meetings or take care of the house & kids if he wanted to go to meetings & do whatever it takes. But he thinks it is a quick fix, let's have a good weekend & all will work out but there is no quick fix. I have no issues doing the work. Even if it takes a few years for then we get the rest of our lives but he does not seem to want to do the hard work. I want more for my life & for my kids. My oldest has noticed & in time my younger one will too. I want them to understand marriage is hard & you fight for it but I do not want them to see their Mom stay in a situation that is not fair to us. I am reaching the point of asking him to leave even though it breaks my heart for our marriage & my son who loves him to death but I am not really helping him by staying & just allowing him to continue drinking because he is comfortable with a roof over his head & our bank account to drink from. It is so hard for me to be the mean one & ask him to leave until he is quits but I have to remind myself how I am helping him? Sorry for the long post! Any thoughts, ideas or advice are welcome!
Hello.
I'm also in a very similar situation. Except our children are younger. One is turning 6 and the other is 16 months.
I'm very close to leaving and have told AH that we need to see a lawyer soon.
He told me to give him 1 week to get himself straightened out. Today marks the end of the week he asked for.
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