Agoodman....I don't think one has to come from a traumatic childhood to know that it is not a good thing to neglect a family in favor of drinking time at a bar..or elsewhere.
Alcoholism is progressive and the pull to be where one can freely drink, is strong. A bar is one sure place where drinking is sanctioned and approved of....plus, being in the company of other drinkers feels like being among accepting "friends".
I am not surprised that you don't relate to that, because you are not an alcoholic.
At a certain point, an alcoholic needs to drink to feel "normal"....
And, of course, the fact that drinking pushes away other bad feelings.
When she mentions social life...I don't think that she is talking about exercise, camping, going to church, etc.
I am quite sure, that, in her mind, she is not deliberately drinking against you and her kids...or does she design to hurt you all (even though it DOES).....she is just doing what alcohollics do...they drink.....

I think that Wells has given you some good advice. I think it might be a good idea to read Well's story...from the beginning, when he came to the forum.......

Agoodman.....just click on Well's name (to the left of his post).....and, from the drop-down menu...choose "all threads by Wells"........

Agoodman.....I will share a story with you that I had forgotten about...lol....
there was a guy in our community, who was an extremely talented woodworking guy. He and his brother owned a business that did elaborate inlaid wood floors, elaborate moldings, etc. He had a lovely, sweet wife and 6 georgous kids....
It had become obvious that he was struggling with alcoholism, to those of us who knew him. And he seemed to be to the point that working a whole day was too much for him...he would head to the nearest bar at about noon.
Nevertheless, we hired him to do the wood floors in our house, knowing that he could only make it till noon each day. He was a delightful guy....great sense of humor, very intellingent....a good guitar player, and he had the best collection of musical CDs. Hundreds. He would bring his boom box and play great music for me...lol...
One day, he didn't show up...and, I called his business phone...and, his brother told me that he was in the hospital going through detox.
A couple of weeks later, he called and wanted to finish our floors. When he arrived, she greeted me with a sheepish smile. I asked him what happened.....
He said that his wife had started going to alanon. He said..."She was going to leave me, and take the kids. So, I tried to stop drinking, but got so sick, I had to go to the hospital.
"Did she leave you", I asked...."No, he said....but she will if I start drinking again".

Well, he did relapse, about three months later. She filed for divorce and got to stay in the house with the kids. (they only lived about 5 blocks from us). They stayed separated for several months....He got very seriously into AA, and, they eventually reunited. I don't live in the community, any more, but the last I know he was still sober and going to AA....

I thought you might appreciate that real life story......

I know for me I attempted to rationalize my situation with what I thought was logic and common sense. Trying to use normal thinking for a non-normal situation. Of course a social life filled with kids, family, friends, vacations, exercise, church would be a normal welcome in life but not to many alcoholics. What you and I and others see as good, happy, coming together family time is often seen by the alcoholic as a brick wall of responsibility and accountability which are usually the first two casualties of addiction.

And I also learned that expecting an alcoholic to think about someone else’s feelings or their past and how current situations can be a reminder of past hurts, is expecting a lot, sadly.

Yeah, I have found that the usual rules that we were taught regarding relationships, gets turned tipsy turvy in relationships with abuse or alcoholism....It is really confusing, if we don't know this....

Im sorry but her story is "alcoholic text book 101. "

I know you love her, but you should never love someone more than yourself.

Hugs.

I'm not sure if you like pizza, but if you like it as much as I do, think of someone bringing a hot fresh new york style pie and sitting it on the counter in front of you, you haven't eaten all day, and think of how much you want to grab a slice...or every slice. Now think about a time you had a six pack of beer or a bottle of wine in your fridge. Did you ever sit there and get anxious knowing that alcohol is there in your fridge and you're not drinking it? My ex did. She admitted to me it actually bothered her to know that she had alcohol available nearby and she wasn't drinking it. She basically had to try and fight the urge to be drinking it. Your ex may be the same.

Granted, there are different levels to this. My ex has been on her own for over a year know and holding down a job and a life so she obviously has found a way to function somehow, and that can't mean a steady flow of alcohol, though when you start to monitor or try and put limitations on their drinking, they typically want it even more and resent you even more for trying to upset that access to the booze. It's hard not to take it personally I realize. But that's where the fight comes from.

When some kids get into their later teenage years, they tend to rebel against their parents...stay out late, experiment with booze and drugs, defy authority, basically, they start to get selfish. It's not because they hate their parents, it's just that they are becoming adults and feeling the right to make the choices and do whatever they want to do. Unfortunately, alcoholism has a similar effect though it knows no age. So it's not that your girl doesn't love you, it's just that she loves herself and her alcohol more, which causes the lashing out.

The other thing I had to realize (and this took a LONG time) is that even if she cut back, or quit, or changed anything about her drinking, because I asked her to (doing it for me, not for her) it was either a lie or short-lived. Promises or changes made regarding drinking because of a threat or because of what YOU want are promises made on very thin ice. So I realized that she needed to want to stop drinking for herself (for her health, because she was tired of the hangovers, or the weight gain, or the depression, etc...) or it would never work.

She wasn't reaching that point so I had to bail. It was not easy because I realized it meant saying goodbye to her if she wasn't planning to stop, but when I "played the tape forward" as many recovering alcoholics do, the fear of a life lived worrying about her behavior and her alcohol abuse was scarier to me than a life lived without her.

the answer to this just might help tremendously- might just find part of the true problem and then solutions can be addressed

You seem like a really nice person who just wants a normal life. Look at your statements below and ask yourself if you think it's possible with this person.

Tomsteve and Hopeful4,

I think it's scary for a couple reasons.

I think the thought of six years of something being over is scary for me. And the fact is I still love her with all my heart.

It's scary because I may lose someone who I know at her core is a wonderful person with a huge heart. She's been through so much with me.

In the last 6 years I've lost my mom, dad, little brother, a grandchild, and a grandfather.

She's the person that left her work immediately when the little baby passed away and met me at the hospital and held my dead grandson. She made sure I held him even though I was in bad shape.

There's a lot that will be lost. And i'll be by myself again.

thats a lot you've been through.
and this narrows it all down- fear of being alone. maybe some insecurities?

theres 2 choices here,imo- stay in the misery,drama, and chaos because ya dont want to be alone.

or find out who you are by being by yourself for a while. learn how to love you, which you yourself said you love her more than yourself.
which tells me ya dont have much self love happening.

i made all kinds of excuses for keeping a chronic relapsing alcoholic/addict in my life. the main reason was i was insecure.

then the pain of living with a chronic relapsing alcoholic/addict had finally exceeded the fear of being alone and i made the decision to get her out of my life.
THEN i was able to truly learn how to love myself.

Agoodman....don't think, for a minute, that those of us, on this forum don't understand the emotional pain that this kind of situation brings. Almost every one of us has been visited by this kind of heartache.
We are just trying to help you to face the realities that you are dealing with....

No doubt, you are going to go through a grieving period....and rummage through all of the memories and a range of different emotions. It can feel like separating flesh from bone, at times....

If she won't consider getting into recovery, you still have to take care of your self.....
I hope that you are going to do the things that have been suggested, so far...because having support is so vital, for you, at this time.....
You can get through this...however it turns out...just like all those who have walked this path, before you.....

Sounds like you are kind of by yourself now. And as her disease progresses, it's going to get more and more so.

I just want to send out bug (((HUGS))) to you - and some good thoughts for peace and clarity.

We know the pain well. Please stick around here, think about going to an Alanon meeting, and reading Codependant No More. These things have helped the vast majority of us in here. We have been there - and many of us still are.

update...
 

Hi everyone. I hope you had a nice weekend.

Things have basically remained the same. I'm trying to disconnect from things for awhile and I think I feel a little better and calm.

Something small happened that opened my eyes a little. After all the negative things she through at me, not sure what she wants anymore, controlling, ruined her social life, she feels trapped, 2 days later she's talking to me about us switching to DirecTV. I know it sounds small and stupid

But to me it showed me how "off" she can be right now. Why in the world would I sign a 2 year contract with DirecTV for us when she's "not sure what she wants" and I could end up in a contract that I'm unable to use depending where I live.

The biggest things I'm trying to tell myself right now are.

1. I'm not a bad person like she seems to think I am right now. I can't continue to start believing her rants.

2. I want to fix this, but I can't. I can be here for her as long as I can and that's about it. It's a helpless feeling.

Accepting that you can't control another's behavior is key to achieving peace about this.
It really is her path to walk.
The troubling part is that it sounds like she is unloading a lot of negative stuff onto you.
I can't remember. Do you go to Al-Anon or have some form of support? Could be a game changer.

Keep remembering that next time you want to have a serious conversation with her or try to use logic. It took me a long time to understand and accept that even though my ex had not consumed yet that day didn't mean I was talking to a sober brain. And like a deer caught in the headlights I was just stuck couldn't move forward couldn’t go back. Just kind of existing while waiting for something extraordinary to happen on his part and me doing minimal on my part except worrying and waiting and hoping.

I hope you have looked into al-anon or counseling.

Agoodman,
I don't know if I'm in any position to offer any advice or ideas, since I'm not that too far from your situation.
Long term friendship, six plus year relationship, stood by each other, shared dreams of the future, plans for marriage etc...

The hope for recovery is strong. The strong pull to be there for our loved one to get help, to become healthy, for them to "wake up" and see how destructive this is to them and all around them. The cycle becomes familiar with pain felt from abusive words, then their remorseful moments and promise of getting help. We breathe a sigh of relief that finally they "see clearly" and are determined to quit so we can live the dreams we shared. Then bottom falls and back to being abusive once more.

The pain gets deeper, the times of despair longer, those moments of clarity they have are shorter. We can feel that we are losing them so we hang on tighter. It seems the tighter I hung on and tried the more abusive he got, after all I was standing between him and using. So therefore I was the enemy.

The pain to not be with them is so great. Hard to let go. Also at times its to hear the reality that is spoken on SR. Truths we can feel/know are right, but the threads we hang onto are many, seeking for that light of hope that begins recovery.

For some there is recovery, but it seems that it comes from them losing enough and not from us trying.

I have been verbally beaten up time and time again. As the disease is progressive, the desperation they seem to feel grows stronger. It truly is like asking them to stop breathing. Their minds become distorted and move away from rational thought. It's hard to have a rational conversation with someone that is not rational any longer.

Al Anon is a wonderful program. I think the people who practice the steps are some of the healthiest people. It allows us to grow and learn those steps in our own time.
SR, is a place where people say the truth and sometimes it feels far to direct. But its truth nevertheless. The things spoken here come from those who have been on the very path we share, but farther down the road of recovery. I admire and grateful for their willingness to help.

It comes a time, as gut wrenching as it is, to know we can't do anything for them. They have to do it for themselves, when they are ready. For me, by staying involved trying to get him help has probably stopped him from hitting bottom and realizing the need to gets himself some help. Even though I still recall the wonderful person I knew, but he has become so destructive in my life, the pain inflected is nearly unbearable and he knows how to do it. I have recently come to accept, he is abusive. There is no room for abusive treatment, regardless.

I'm new to letting go and I'm sure the road will be rocky, but I truly don't want to feel this pain any longer and I don't want a front row seat to this madness any longer.

I hope you stay reading on SR. There are many very very wise people here and wonderful support.
Take care and try to be gentle and caring to yourself
TLC

Agoodman, I was a drinker, and my husband, like yourself, had to put up with my drunkeness most evenings, though I did work in the day I couldn't wait to get home to start again.

He started to go fishing at weekends and I was pleased so I could get wasted without someone nagging me, or me having to go running around hiding my booze! I was Disgraceful, I know! My dad drank and my mum had a lot to put up with, and you reminded me of myself when I was a kid, I used to stay up when my dad came home and Pretend liked watching pot black on TV with him, put the gas fire on full so he would crash out sleeping and not start on my mum.

Amazing after seeing this that I drank. But I did and gradually got worse and worse. When I looked back I wonder why my husband stayed with me, though when I was sober I was nice, but I was always planning my next drink. He would hint to me cutting back drinking (spoiling my fun!) only drinking at weekends (I could hide it from him in the week, just to shut him up)he thought I'd died on the bathroom floor, (I pretended I didn't hear him). Nothing would make me stop, I couldn't live without drink, there wasn't a life without alcohol.

It came to a head when I had been drinking all night on my own in the living room and went in accusing him of several things I'd seen on his phone. He went, took all his stuff and left. I hated him while I was drunk but as soon as I sobered up the next day I suddenly didn't like myself, in fact I hated what I'd become.

We eventually reconciled our marriage, but without the shock of seeing me, not him leaving, but seeing what I'd become, I would probably still be drinking, or dead from drinking.

So if she doesn't want to listen to you, I assure you her addictive voice can beat you with suggestions, hands down. You have to think of you, before it drives you mad,. At my mums house after her funeral my brother passed me her diary and two weeks prior to her death she had written that she can't take anymore of my dad when he was drinking ( a marvellous man when sober) and she wanted to leave.

I'm so pleased you found this site and the good people here who know what you're going through, I do from a child's perspective with an alcoholic father, but ruined part of my life with it too. Or as Dee says, went on the wrong side of town for twenty years.

This is something your partner has to do for herself and however hard it is you have to let her do her thing and take care of you.
Big Hugs.