Finding it hard today 😭
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Finding it hard today 😭
Well I no I've posted b4 and I've gone through many posts about coping and stuff with breaking up with axbf , I recently found out that he's with someone else 2 weeks after us splitting up officially after many times of leaving going back and leaving again but every time someone tells me they have seen them together just rips me apart again , I no he's an alcoholic and he wasn't goodbye for me at the end why does it feel like this still ??? Why is it so easy for him just to move on like I was not even part of his life struggling today 😭 I just need some reassurance that this is all normal and some advice please today would be good that I'm doing the right thing x
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sonya...if it has only been two weeks....you are still raw and going through the grieving process. This will take weeks to months to get through the painful grieving stage.
Much too soon to be seeing or hearing about these things. The less you know about his actions, the better....
Alcoholics will frequently reach for another relationship to take the focus off their own issues and to be enabled.
Those kinds of relationships are not based on "love" so much, as to meet a pathological need of both parties.....
***Knowing the answer, probably won't make it hurt much less. It is normal for it to hurt...but, know that it will fade, given enough time to finish the grieving stage....
If you are on facebook, by any chance...I would suggest that you back away from that....
Much too soon to be seeing or hearing about these things. The less you know about his actions, the better....
Alcoholics will frequently reach for another relationship to take the focus off their own issues and to be enabled.
Those kinds of relationships are not based on "love" so much, as to meet a pathological need of both parties.....
***Knowing the answer, probably won't make it hurt much less. It is normal for it to hurt...but, know that it will fade, given enough time to finish the grieving stage....
If you are on facebook, by any chance...I would suggest that you back away from that....
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Oh, Sonya, I'm sorry I know this hurts.
Try to remember that he has not magically transformed into a healthy partner for this new person. He is just filling a space where you used to be.
Codependents mourn; addicts replace.
I hope you can stay focused on taking care of yourself and resist the temptation to make up some fantasy story about what his life is like today.
Try to remember that he has not magically transformed into a healthy partner for this new person. He is just filling a space where you used to be.
Codependents mourn; addicts replace.
I hope you can stay focused on taking care of yourself and resist the temptation to make up some fantasy story about what his life is like today.
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sonya.....please spend some time looking over the articles from our Classic Reading section of the "stickies".....I am giving you the link, below....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
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I do find myself thinking he's gonna be great for her , he's a different person for her , when I tryed everything to get the help the support he needed sorted his money issues ou every time he had been on one of his binges and left us with nothing . find myself asking did I not do enough ?? Yer I am in Facebook to be honest can't help but find myself checking his profile cannot bring myself to block him on it why I don't no , I no I've heard a lot about them just needing a enabler but can't seem to get my head round that it's that and not the great life I think he's having with her uno ☹️
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That kind of thinking isn't really about whatever is going on with your ex (which you really don't know anything about -- thank goodness!).
This is the kind of thinking that reinforces your negative feelings about yourself. That YOU weren't enough for him to be the better person you know he can be. Please don't go down that rabbit hole. You, just as you are, are good enough. Pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, everything enough. There is nothing you could have done or been to change him.
People don't change other people. People only change when the pain of changing is outweighed by the pain of staying the same. What you are calling "moving on" just looks like more of the same vicious cycle to me. YOU are the one who has broken that unhealthy dance in effort to ACTUALLY change your life. It isn't going to be easy. It's going to be painful. But the more you resist the temptation to watch him in your rear view mirror, the clearer the road ahead of you will become and you'll see that the bounty of your future far outshines the unhealthy relationships of your past.
This is the kind of thinking that reinforces your negative feelings about yourself. That YOU weren't enough for him to be the better person you know he can be. Please don't go down that rabbit hole. You, just as you are, are good enough. Pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, everything enough. There is nothing you could have done or been to change him.
People don't change other people. People only change when the pain of changing is outweighed by the pain of staying the same. What you are calling "moving on" just looks like more of the same vicious cycle to me. YOU are the one who has broken that unhealthy dance in effort to ACTUALLY change your life. It isn't going to be easy. It's going to be painful. But the more you resist the temptation to watch him in your rear view mirror, the clearer the road ahead of you will become and you'll see that the bounty of your future far outshines the unhealthy relationships of your past.
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Thankyou that makes a lot of sense to me I no what you are saying is right it's just so hard I no I've done the right thing I couldn't live like that anymore constantly drunk and arguing the blaming me for everything, smashing the house up and it was never the drinks fault always something else to blame wellnusually me x
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sonya.....See...I told you that my answer wouldn't make you feel any better....
breaking up hurts...no matter what the relationship was like.....
It is still the better choice...because it will come to an end, eventually...
Living with an active alcoholic just gets worse and worse.......
I hope you read those articles that I gave you the link to.....
breaking up hurts...no matter what the relationship was like.....
It is still the better choice...because it will come to an end, eventually...
Living with an active alcoholic just gets worse and worse.......
I hope you read those articles that I gave you the link to.....
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Thankyou dandelion I no what u said hurts but I'd rather have the truth then to be lead by lies I've done enough of that tbh , yer I have been going through the link u have sent me hard pill to swollow and I no it gets worse and worse via it was to a point were I felt like it was down to me , I no it's gonna happen to this relationship to it's just hard to say it right now so fresh uno thanks everyone I really appreciate this the support and knowing I'm not on my own with this has helped me today x
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sonya....you should have seen me, after a bad breakup that I had, one time. It is hard to describe what a hot mess that I was.
It is a good thing that it happened, though...as it was the best thing that could have happened. (there was no way anyone could have convinced me, though, at the time)....
It is a good thing that it happened, though...as it was the best thing that could have happened. (there was no way anyone could have convinced me, though, at the time)....
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Aww same Hun I feel like god I should of just stayed so I don't feel this but knowing the state I was in b4 the split it's like I'm fighting with my own emotions , I no at lot of ppl just keep saying to me he won't change he will do the same to her he's just using her now to drink cos she dosent no him I just find myself wondering is that right not being able to accept it even though I do no uno finding this site has helped me I thought I was the only one going through this x
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Sonya,
Yes us Codie's understand your pain. I saved a quote from an A, few months back that i love, and I will repost it. I think it puts it all in perspective for us. Hugs. And keep posting. We care!!
My own feeling is that the new relationship your soon to be ex is currently engaged in is doomed. We alcoholics are rarely, if ever, capable of maintaining our end of healthy relationship while in active addiction. We just don't have the capacity for the honesty and self sacrifice involved to be a part of something greater than ourselves. In other words, don't envy her, whoever she is. Pity her. And be grateful your time is at an end.
Yes us Codie's understand your pain. I saved a quote from an A, few months back that i love, and I will repost it. I think it puts it all in perspective for us. Hugs. And keep posting. We care!!
My own feeling is that the new relationship your soon to be ex is currently engaged in is doomed. We alcoholics are rarely, if ever, capable of maintaining our end of healthy relationship while in active addiction. We just don't have the capacity for the honesty and self sacrifice involved to be a part of something greater than ourselves. In other words, don't envy her, whoever she is. Pity her. And be grateful your time is at an end.
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Thankyou Maia 1234 it makes sense that to me becos b4 me he was with someone and they had said that his drinking had caused them to split also also his past relationships according to his family I just wish I had listened to them when they said what he was like and got out sooner maybe I wouldn't be feeling so hurt now , thankyou everyone for you're advice this site is the only thing that is keeping me going at the min x
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Old saying around here, you've probably heard it: Alcoholics and addicts don't have relationships. They take hostages.
He did it to you. He will do it to her. And the one after her. And after her. And the cycle will continue until he either changes or dies. One or the other.
He did it to you. He will do it to her. And the one after her. And after her. And the cycle will continue until he either changes or dies. One or the other.
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Okay peaple
Please refrain from giving advice in your posts. This website is for peer support only, which means share only your personal experience with the subject of a given thread. See rule #10
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
If you do not have personal experience with the original question in the thread please find some other thread where you do.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Please refrain from giving advice in your posts. This website is for peer support only, which means share only your personal experience with the subject of a given thread. See rule #10
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
If you do not have personal experience with the original question in the thread please find some other thread where you do.
Mike
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Hi Sonya,
Going to an Al anon meeting may help you deal with your sense of hurt and loss. Al anon has been really good for me. Maia is right - codies get it! There are many blogs on codies in SR if you use the search function (top right - near welcome) David Richo in his book "There are certain facts of life that we cannot change—the unavoidable "givens" of human existence: (1) everything changes and ends, (2) things do not always go according to plan, (3) life is not always fair, (4) pain is a part of life, and (5) people are not loving and loyal all the time." sum it up.
Take care
Going to an Al anon meeting may help you deal with your sense of hurt and loss. Al anon has been really good for me. Maia is right - codies get it! There are many blogs on codies in SR if you use the search function (top right - near welcome) David Richo in his book "There are certain facts of life that we cannot change—the unavoidable "givens" of human existence: (1) everything changes and ends, (2) things do not always go according to plan, (3) life is not always fair, (4) pain is a part of life, and (5) people are not loving and loyal all the time." sum it up.
Take care
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