dandylion

Smarie.....Yes, If I am to answer your question honestly....,
In relation to the really, really, painful breakup that I had (before I met my sweet husband)....I not only wanted to be unique....I KNEW that I was unique.
I have no reservations about that. That is not ego talking, either. I know that I gave him the best that I had to give. And, there is no one else exactly like me...just like there is no one else, exactly like you. No one can take our uniqueness away...or forget it, as long as they have a memory. It is baked into each of our cakes.
I think that it is normal to want to be regarded as special by our mates. If we weren't special, in some way, that would be really weird...wouldn't it. Intimacy requires it, I think.
Maybe, you don't really love him as much as you think you do. Maybe, what you think of as "love", is really just a word for a powerful need that you have. Maybe, he is just a tool for you to work out that need. Maybe, he could just as easily be replaced by someone who was so messed-up that they needed your services.
I am just trying to suggest that desiring to be with another person and needing their services can be two very different things....and, I think, easily confused.

What I hear you saying, I think...is that you fear that you might have no value...that you could be reduced to being just a number. That you only value is determined by someone else...because, you don't feel any value within your own self.
You are valuable because you exist. We all are.

Don't buy what he is selling. He devalues you every day. He casts your uniqueness on stone.
I remember a line from a song...I think it was a Rolling Stones album...."Don't cast your pearls before swine" (not saying he is a swine, of course, but, you get my drift)......

Here is a song that I think expresses the universal need to feel unique.....

https://www.bing.com/search?q=ronnie...40370dd9aefd91

dandylion

CORRECTION....Smarie...it wasn't the Rolling stones..."Pearls Before Swine" is the name of the musical group.....a folk rock group.....

Berrybean

Urrrm - this literally jumped out at me in your post...

"bc if I didn't step back today we'd likely be on my sofa pretending everything was ok. Me sitting there angry, him probably finding ways to get drunk since he didn't have to be at the sober house reporting if he was with me. "

Why not see how this thing goes if you insist that your place is as much of a no-alcohol zone as the sober house? Sounds like you may (unwittingly) be enabling him - even though it's actually detrimental to your own wellbeing.

BB

Seren

It's a little older than the Rolling Stones or any other Band

Matthew 7:6

“Do not give what is holy to dogs, or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces."

honeypig

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, would share anything w/anyone. I am still this way to an extent, but one of the things that recovery is teaching me is exactly what Seren has posted above. It goes along w/the "bread at the hardware store" thing--there is no point in offering your most private self, your innermost thoughts, your very heart, to someone who cannot or will not respect that and hold those things in the high regard they deserve.

Here is Brene Brown on the topic of trust and who we share with. Thanks, FireSprite, for turning me on to Brene!

MUST WATCH- Brene Brown: The Anatomy of Trust.

dandylion

Thanks, Seren!
It IS a little bit older isn't it?

Bekindalways

^^^^^ Oh my gosh YES!

For a long time after I left, I thought that no matter who he was with, he loved me the most. This delusion helped me along immensely.

As it has been said above, we are all unique.

I'm a big reader and when I was young I read romance novels. I so wanted to be the heroine/princess in my own story. As I've gotten older, I've accepted/realized, I'm a much more interesting character in a much more interesting story than the classic romance story.

Big hug to you Smarie. I hope you feel better.

hopeful4

I hope you are feeling better and wish you the best of luck at your new job Smartie!!!

Ariesagain

" A fear of being someone your mate would talk of someday with a new partner? Perhaps his obsession with me has given me a sense of uniqueness / that if I let go fully, I'm just a number."

You know he's sleeping with other women. So he's already talking about you to other women.

As for his "obsessive love"... he talks a big game. All his actions say otherwise.

FireSprite

This Brene video is even better for this topic: 6 Types of People Who Do NOT Deserve to Hear Your Story:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8Pp7QB6GrE

atalose

Do you mean extraordinary in a nice way like him having a memory of - she was a strong woman who would not tolerate my crap, showed me the door and told me that she deserves better. OR do you mean extraordinary in - she tolerated so much of my sh*t and I treated her so badly yet she kept coming back for more.

Really, your own actions will ultimately determine the memories.

Smarie78

Thank you! I am going to assume that the typo was intentional

I am still struggling a little bit with this pesky cold, but I am feeling a lot better in mind and body. The weekend gave me a nice break. I did see him for a bit yesterday and while I missed him and it was pleasant to be with the temporary non-drunk version of him, I of course felt very resentful and agitated around him for what he's done. That is to be expected. He feels it too from me and it just makes him more needy which is also not good. He tries to make up for his bad behavior by affection overkill, but it really doesn't work and just irritates me more. I get irritated by overkill affection as it is, but boy when it happens right after you pull some terrible crap it's a thousand times worse!

Today I woke up very focused on myself. Tomorrow is my first day at work (yay!) so I am doing some last minute things to prepare. My sister will actually be training me this week and is going to be taking me to a nice lunch tomorrow to celebrate. I am looking so forward to it. I did have a little mini panic attack last night in bed thinking, what if I made the wrong choice? The position is going to be a step back in my career for me because it is a new field, but I am expecting to grow a lot there so I need to check my ego, and work hard now

BlownOne

Still not quite understanding exactly why you want this person in your life at all? You deserve so much better than the half asse*, half baked effort this joker is putting out. Cut the cord and be free.

DesertEyes

Okay peaple

Please refrain from giving advice in your posts. This website is for peer support only, which means share only your personal experience with the subject of a given thread. See rule #10

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html

If you do not have personal experience with the original question in the thread please find some other thread where you do.

Mike
Moderator, SR

PuzzledHeart

It's a horizontal move, not a step backwards! ;-)

I went to grad school in my mid-thirties. It was incredibly hard to swallow my pride and start off again as an intern. To add to that, my internship was my first job after I gave birth to my son, and I was surrounded by people who were ten to fifteen years younger than me. But it was definitely worth it.

Smarie78

Thank you for sharing this! It helps to know that this isn't a failure or a step down. Horizontal is a great way to put it!

Smarie78

Blown one - I don't know the answer. I would chalk it up to fear. Fear of abandoning him, fear of him telling my story for me and being wrong (i.e. that I left bc of reasons that aren't true, that it was me), fear of not living up to the expectation he has, fear of fully letting go of the idea that I will ever have a life with this person, fear of hurting him emotionally, fear of grieving, etc.
I know it's distorted thinking and I am working a new recovery plan to try and break out of this. It's frustrating. It's scary. It's overwhelming, and mostly it's bizarre to be so afraid of someone and their judgements that you would rather stay in the cycle than change. The other day he told me he didn't believe I even wanted a family. That deep down inside I don't want that life but prefer a single social life (I had a controlling and abusive ex who also accused me of this). I noticed that at that moment my heart was beating out of my chest because I knew it wasn't true, but the way he was so calmly saying that it was...so matter of fact, so"hey nothing to be bothered by, it's just not who you are". It's almost like your body gears up to defend itself bc you know what they are saying isn't real.

Maybe I stay to prove myself against what he says I am. It's a cyclical relationship - he does something terrible, I leave, and he cries and pleads and shows up with roses apologizing for the behavior, promises it will never happen again, and suddenly all the conviction and fight in me I have when he does the terrible thing (this is the window where I say to myself, things like "never again" and "I'm done" and "unforgivable") is gone and I feel like I can't say no, that I don't have permission anymore (this is crazy I'm aware).

Sorry I can never answer this question very well!

SmallButMighty

Sounds to me like him projecting his own feelings on to you, considering his lifestyle and the child he neglects.



I hope your first day of work is going well, I also really hoping it gives you the confidence you need to keep moving forward. I remember having all those fears you have and it was the hardest thing I ever did to get past them.

hopeful4

I hope today is a great day for you friend!!!!

Smarie78

This made me smile
Thank you it was wonderful! Felt so good to be back in the saddle! Everyone was really nice and my sister and a couple mutual friends who work there took me to lunch. Unfortunately during lunch my one friend asked how things with Abf were and I could immediately feel my sis tense up and zone out. Always a ton of shame comes up for me when he is brought up around her. It's in my head but bc of her feelings twd him I immediately feel this wave of judgement. Just like here, I can't answer why I'm with him. And if I can it certainly isn't lunchtime convo

Thankfully subject was quickly changed! Looking forward to day 2 today. Thank you again for the well wishes!