involved

So the XRABF picked up a 1 year medallion last night. We seperated back in May after he bamboozled me. About a week after he left he came to my house and broke into my shed an took my bike. He "needed" the bike because he had lost his license for DWI, and needed to get to court ordered counceling session. He faild get all ducks in a row so when he got dropped off at my house and I wasnt home he decided to break in vs call a cab or me to ask permission. When I discovered the bike gone I reported it to PD. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago...I was at work whe he came to my house let himself in and took my engagement ring, viagra and condoms. Clearly a message but again he came into my house and took things with out permission. I confronted him but did not call PD. Fast forward to Saturday night when we were talking and it got emotional. He said that I have hurt him also and when I asked how, he said because I called cops about stealing my bike...QUAACK!!! I did not say a word...just listened. Anyways, yesterday I got a phone call from the cops saying to call them back because they still havent addressed the charges yet and needed to talk to me. So I got to thinking, which is never good...since he doesn't really respect the law (driving after suspension) would I be out of line to suggest that the cops ask him to work with his sponsor about this situation? I couldnt just let the breaking in and theft thing go...there are consequences and I cant enable...but he throws that bs back at me and will have resentments either way... if I suggest working with his sponsor am I being controlling? Should I just leave it alone and let it unfold naturally? The reason I thought of the working with a sponsor thing was because when I was in high school many years ago my bf and I lifted up a cable that blocked the entrance to a blueberry field so that we could drive in and go parking. The order from the judge we had to go in front of for getting caught trespassing, was to write a report on criminal trespass to hand into the court... waiting to talk this over with my sponsor but thought I would throw it out there! Thanks!

biminiblue

I'm not sure what your question is...

I would report him for the theft of the ring. You said he, "Let himself in." Does he have a key?

Seren

Hello involved,

I suppose the short answer would be yes. It is controlling to try to get the police to talk to him about working with his sponsor. I am sorry to say that whether or not he has a sponsor or how often they talk or what they talk about is their business. No one else's.

I am sorry that he stole from you. I hope you will report it and do what you can to secure your property. Please take good care!

involved

Biminblue. No key...my doors were not locked...it was his ring that he proposed to me with and I took off. My question is am I out of line to ask the police to drop charges if he works on this with his sponsor and shows some kind of amends or understand his wrong doing vs just slap him on the wrist and cause more resentments that wont really help...I am not worried about resenting me...I was just thinking about something geared more towards working and aiding in recovery vs a fine and on his record. Probably silly...just asking what yall thought about this

involved

Thanks Seren...thats what I was thinking...but like I said thats not always a good thing! So the conversation in my head started and I said to my self that if he was going to have consequences anyways wouldnt it be more productive if they were geared toward recovery? But you are right ...that would be trying to control the outcome and none of my business...I did report the break in bike theft when it happeded the first time and will be sure to update the police officer on the ring when we do connedt...thanks for the feedback!

dandylion

Involved....alcoholics need to learn to face the natural consequences of their actions. If people put a cushion under their butt to soften the consequences...it just reinforces their irresponsiblility.....in other words, it is enabling.

You need to decided how you want to handle it...but, that is the underlying principle.....

involved

Thanks Dandylion... I do not want to lessen the consequences...just thought that if the consequences were more geared toward recovery it would be more productive. Hopefully he would choose to discuss this with his sponsor anyways.

hopeful4

The police are not going to keep tabs on him in that way. Either there will be charges or not, and if he continues to enter your home, I would say to press the charges. HOWEVER, I think you should give him everything out of the home that belongs to him.

AnvilheadII

cops don't make the call on how to address the criminal. they are not a court of law. and that is getting WAY over into HIS stuff suggesting that THEY tell him to work with his sponsor.

we are talking theft and entering a premise without permission.

change your locks. LOCK your doors, all of them, get a padlock for the shed, go no contact with this guy and BE DONE.

atalose

I think you are trying to control the outcome so the least amount of consequences happen to him because you still want to salvage this relationship. People who steel from us, break into our homes and then blame us for that kind of behavior and disrespect are not dating/marriage material. Sorry, but while you focus on him and his sobriety, his working with his sponsor, him not getting into trouble with the cops, dropping charges to make his life easier……………what the heck are you doing for you about accepting this kind of disrespect and engaging him in conversations that can only lead you to further heartache and emotional pain?

BlownOne

Weather or not he chooses to discuss the incident with his sponsor isn't much of your business, really. It's his to do or not do. The best thing you could probably do, IMHO is press charges if applicable and let him face the full consequences of his actions. You have every right to protect yourself from his shenanigans and poor choices. And who knows? maybe he'll even get sick and tired of his own bs. One can only hope, I suppose. Wishing you well.

Sasha1972

I don't think it would be good for a sponsor-sponsee relationship to be shaped by criminal consequences. I also doubt that the police have the power to require the sponsor to discuss this behavior with the sponsee (the sponsor's actions are not subject to police involvement because the sponsor has not done anything wrong). I suggest letting the police do their job (handling criminal charges) and letting the sponsor do his/hers.

I agree with what others have said above, changing the locks and giving back anything that belongs to him would be a good idea.

Maudcat

Hi, involved.
Agree with the others that getting his sponsor involved is not staying on your side of the street.
However, I would stop his access to the house immediately.
Change the locks, lock your doors and the shed.
Protect your finances. Don't allow access to those either.
Gather up anything that is in the house that is his.
Leave at a mutually agreed upon place, and be done.
If you want to press charges for theft, then do that as well.

involved

Thank you...I am not trying to control the outcome...that is why I am asking here...I do not want to. The Al Anon thing can get confusing and I sometimes over think it...He is in early recovery and makes bad choices. The relationship will be or it won't regardless of my input...because my higher power has the plan not me...I called the police on the first incident back in May. They are just now following up and writing the report! They at the time asked me how I wanted to handle it and I said "he is a recovering A and needs to feel the consequences of his actions...I must not enable him" and told them that they should decide...I did my part in reporting a break in and theft. He broke in (broke the paddle lock) and took my bike (that he spent $$ on so That he could ride it for the time of lost license) because of his lack of planning ahead. My daughter knew that he did what he did and she called him to give him the heads up so he called the PD before they called him to confess... He does have a TBI and that is not me making excuses for his bad choices. It is now end of August...he is still sober and they called me on the day he was getting his 1 yr medallion. The timing just caught me as ironic. What am I doing for me? At least 3 Al Anon meetings a week church on sunday and a sponsor. I have given back all but a couch and lawn mower because he makes excuses to not take them, prob so he has tools to manipulate... I just want to make loving decisions...but not enableing ones. Loving choices are not enableing I know this...

Maudcat

Well, hang in there, involved. Sounds like you are doing all the right things.
There's always no contact.
But...up to you.

aliciagr

I have a question Involved. When you initially called the police to report the bike stolen, did you know it was the ex who took it, and the reason why? How did you find out he was the one who did it? Did he call, etc? Would you have called the police if you knew it was him or worked it out otherwise such as his repairing the damage on the shed door, and returning the bike?

I ask because not everyone does choose to call the police or press charges if something happens with someone they know. Im not saying this is right or wrong, but its a personal choice.

I guess what Im getting at is lets say a friend had broke in and taken your bike, said it was an emergency, they thought you would understand, and offered to fix the door and of course return the bike?

I think we have to be careful not to try to "teach" an addict a lesson by doing something that we would not normally do if it wasnt the "addict" . I hope that makes sense. Im not implying he didnt break the law, and of course you have the right to call the police and pursue charges, but looking at yourself and your feelings, staying true to who you are so you have no regrets -is what I would look at. I dont think anyone can determine that for you.

Breaking into your house also.. very bad. But another question.. Im assuming it was his viagra and condoms? And were you planning to give the engagement ring back? Was there ever any contact where he asked for these things? Just curious, and wondering if it was an ongoing issue, or maybe he needed money and suddenly wanted the ring? Seems odd to wait months. Did he take anything else, or do damage as in malice?

He did those things and whatever comes from it is something that he has to be accountable for. Are you afraid he will break in again or harm you?

involved

Hi Aliciagr... I was pretty sure it was him who took the bike, and also assumed the reason why. Had a friend or neighbor with an emergency done this I may have felt differently depending on the circumstances, but still wronged...I have a cell phone attatched to me all the time since I use it for business... the reason for reporting this to police was because he did not call... and he in fact did return the bike and confessed to the police...even before they contacted him. My daughter gave him a heads up and he asked her to come get it. The bike was actually back at my home before the police arrived. The motive to report this was not exactly because he is an addict, (I am not his higher power) but to not enable bad behavior of an addict, who has no respect for boundries...his own or others. And as they say "what we permit we promote". ...I have no regrets and would do it again today...and am probably going to have to given the call yesterday from the police...I will say the same thing I said in May... I will not put a cushion under his butt. Yes viagra condoms and engagement rings all his. I believe he took these to stir up my emotions. He did not take blankets or board games or coffee mugs...( all of which have been since returned) I have held him at a distance because of his behavior. I am exhausted and need to take care of myself! He says he misses and loves me...Yes I have tried to get him to take those things back but he has said no that he wants me to keep them... so again I feel like the taking of them was ment to be a manipulation to stir up emotions. The damage and malace he does is covert... I am not physically afraid of him. He makes bad choices and acts immature and goes about things the wrong way...he has a disease... and I will not enable his disease.

maia1234

Involved,
You are not new here, as you have been around SR since Nov. 2012. I think you know the answers to your questions.

My question to you is, you state "So the XRABF picked up a 1 year medallion last night. " but another post you state "He is in early recovery and makes bad choices." So I am not sure which one it is.

The definition of a 1 year medallion is... a member of AA who reaches the 1 Year mark of continuous sobriety. How can he be in early recovery, when he has been attending AA and is sober for a year and receiving medallions for his good work. He also is braking and entering and stealing stuff from your home. Is this a man who is working AA's 12 step program? Is this really a man who you want to throw a bone to for all the good deeds he has been doing over the last year?

Or as you know, should you step away and let the consequences of his actions dictate his life. You stated he is your ex boyfriend, not that it would even matter. You keep cushioning the blow for him so he never Grows up, Sobers up and Works a program. Keep hitting your meetings and stop accepting unnaceptable behavior from an addict. You my friend deserve so much more!!

Hugs!!

involved

Thanks...I just did a quick google search and got pretty much the answers I already knew...getting sober is hard. There is early abstinence and early recovery... Early recovery includes the first 90 days of sobriety and can last up to the first year or so of recovery. The truth is, there’s no agreement on what constitutes “early recovery,” I have heard it said that for many, the first year is really just about staying sober. So if you are going to be recovered long term, isn't the first sober year relatively "early recovery"? After all the alcohol is but a symptom...learning to live sober is what its all about...I used to think as soon as he put down the drink everything would be roses and teddy bears....the sooner you get over that fantasy the quicker we can begin our recovery! For what its worth... my qualifier has been in AA since 1997... and this is his longest stretch of sober one day at a times... I know how the program works and my back story is not pretty...

maia1234

I,
You are splitting hairs on the definition of early abstinence, early recovery and so on. You can ask anyone who has experience with an addict and who is working a program, you know it. You don't have to receive medallions to prove it. They act different, take responsibility, are remorseful and all the other "things" that come with sobriety. Go over to the new to recovery forum. See how the lightbulb comes on for these people. See what a fog that they were in when they were using. They truly become "different" people.

I don't see any of those characteristics in the way you are describing axbf. His behavior is wrong and you know it. That's why you reached out and asked if you should try and "drop" the charges against him, so it will help him.

I don't mean to be tough, but he will never ever change if people in his life keep accepting his irresponsible behavior. He is an addict and he might not be drinking right now, but it sure doesn't sound like he is working a program. I'm sorry, this is just my opnion and maybe I am wrong.