involved

Maria1234 take what you like and leave the rest...have you ever lived thru it? I mean lived with an A who made it? Where is your ES&H? No two are alike etc...sometimes quickly some times slowly? He is obviously in early recover not solid recovery... Thanks for your input...but my question has nothing to do with how hard he is working his program...and my question about having him work with his sponsor was because "I" feel like he jas more work to do...and would that be more beneficial than a fine or whateverelse...but thats his business... do you go to Al Anon?

maia1234

Yes I am very familiar with alanon, open AA, support groups and therapists.

No I am not familiar with my qualifier ever participating in AA.

I lived with my axh for 34 years and am well aware of what con artists addicts are. Really, you say no two are alike? Read all over this forum, they are more alike then different.

If you are working an alanon program, you are well aware that his sobriety is none of your business. Alanon is about you working your program, with your sponsor. I am sorry that you feel that I am being Mean to axbf. It's not being mean by letting him take accountability for his actions. It is not mean to step out of his path and let the ball bounce where it is suppose too.

I understand that you still care for him, as we all do for our addicts. But making excuses and trying to help him is really not "helping" him at all. We both can agree to disagree regarding how we engage with addicts.

Hugs my friend, I wish you and him peace and serenity. It is not fun to love an addict, that I can say, we both should agree upon.

AnvilheadII

this thread is about your EX right?

and my question about having him work with his sponsor was because "I" feel like he jas more work to do

that is NONE of your business. whatever work YOU think HE needs to do. and that YOU think he should work with his sponsor?

do YOU have a sponsor? are YOU actively engaged in a program of recovery? have you attended meetings, worked the steps thru with a sponsor, sponsored others, and carried the message of recovery to those still suffering?

you want him back? take him back, quit playing games. or be done and let him be.

hearthealth

Hi Involved, My husband took an anger management class and alcohol assessment class for his court case, something I was hoping for but didn't voice. H only gets out of it what he wanted to and it's about his effort in the work much like working with a sponsor I thought it would be a 'cure'. It only works if he works it. It's only beneficial if it is his desire not ours.

aliciagr

Since you made the decision to call the police when you knew it was probably him, then follow your instinct and just be truthful with the police dept and let it be handled from there. Enabling is tricky I think and can be twisted sometimes. Anytime Anyone does something that breaks the law, or even breaks our personal boundaries we have the choice to decide if their behavior is to be excused, or if it needs some kind of consequences.

My Inlaws contacted the police over an incident with my husband. He was under the influence at the time, and they really did it to give him consequences because they thought he needed it in that particular situation. Even drunk or high people are responsible for their actions, regardlardless if their brain is mush and there is a blur of right and wrong.

Your Ex was sober it appears. Did you know him when he was sober, or only when using? Is his underlying nature to be one to do this kind of thing, self centered, theft, breaking and entering? It sounds like he is a repeat offender with this kind of thing. I hope once this is over he will give you the peace you deserve.

involved

thanks Aliciagr...my question was never about letting him "off the hook" but its also not my place to "teach him a lesson"...(but I cannot accept unacceptable behavior) I am def going to tell the police to follow thru however the feel they need to. I have grown in my program also and have started to look at my actions in regard to treating the alcoholic with loving care and compassion. (Without enabling) Trying to seperate the disease from the person. He is a sick person trying to get well and doing that to the best of HIS ability. This new way of thinking and the ironic timing to the phone call from the police (3 months later and on the morning of his sober birthday) planted a seed in my brain, and I obviously knew that it wasn't the right thinking or thing to do, otherwise I would not have come here to talk it thru... I would have just done it.... I was never around him when he was drinking. We lived seperately and if we were together he didnt drink...he didnt move in with me until he decided to get on the sober path... he drank 3 times in 9 months. The last time landing him with no drivers license...a situation that frustrated him and he sometims struggled to accept...He is not someone who would just go breaking in to random homes and steal a tv...thats not what this is about. He needed the bike to get to a court ordered counceling session that was in an hour. He didn't plan accordingly and found himself in a situation. Its about him sabotaging himself and then reacting to being backed into a perceived corner...making decisions thru the lens of poor choices and self serving entitled motives...in other words typical alcoholic thinking process... and even though he still behaves this way...I do see the changes. It happens less...we do not recover over night. It is a process... he broke into MY shed and took MY bike breaking the law and violating me is unacceptable...I reported it. He drove after suspension because he was in a spot a few times...none of my business. I did not report that...it wasnt my drama to get involved with. His higher power was in charge of that situation... thanks for your thoughts on this!

involved

Maria1234 Anvillheadll I sense a lot of agression in your replies...that does not work for me. The perception of agression has put me on the defensive. I choose to deal with the Alcoholic with loving care and compassion in an assertive way. Recovery is a process and none on either side of the street are perfect. I feel like you have read words in my post or assumed things that are not my facts, but may be yours. Others in this thread have been helpful and I have found their style of communication much more positive and helpful. I thank you for your concern and help...and I appreciate your time. Hugs to you both. I hope you find peace and serenity.

maia1234

I,
First off my name is maia, not maria,

I am sorry you feel my agreesion in my replies. Here is a recap of the other posters comments ...

Seren.... report it
Dandy....alcoholics need to learn to face the natural consequences
Hopeful... press charges
Atalose....I think you are trying to control the outcome so the least amount of consequences happen to him because you still want to salvage this relationship.
Blownone...press charges
Sasha... I suggest letting the police do their job (handling criminal charges) and letting the sponsor do his/hers.
Maudcat....Agree with the others that getting his sponsor involved is not staying on your side of the street.

There is a saying on sr and I am sure you are aware of it...

Trying to talk with someone who is in love with an alcoholic, is often like trying to talk with the alcoholic, himself. They just aren't ready to listen.

Good luck to you my friend. I will keep working my program and you continue to work yours, hugs!!

involved

Maia... sorry...must need new glasses prescription...
I did , I have and would again in the same situation... all of which I addressed in my posts..

This to me is controlling... talking is one thing controlling is another. When the student is ready the teacher will appear...

"Trying to talk with someone who is in love with an alcoholic, is often like trying to talk with the alcoholic, himself. They just aren't ready to listen."
Recovery is a process...sorry you havent yet gotten to experience it
.again thanks for your time

atalose

The more information you provided it sounds like there really isn’t much that the police can do at this point regarding the breaking in of the shed and stealing the bike because your daughter threw the soft cushion under his butt by tipping him off and the bike was returned. I think the police will write this off as a domestic disturbance incident and that will be that.

Not sure how old your daughter is but sounds like she has picked up on some unhealthy enabling behaviors of her own. Is she old enough to attend al-anon with you?

involved

I am not here to future trip about what the police will or will not do (they called because they are following thru with charges...al be it a little delayed). Or guess the impact any of this had on him at the time....or create any other issues not on the table today. Thanks! The police asked me back in May how "I" wanted to handle it. Based on that and being called by the police 3 months later on the morning of his 1 year birthday I got a seed in my head because a memory from 30 some years ago popped into my head. My question was is that seed controlling...the answer is yes...the concensus that I agree with is let go of the outcome and let his higher power and the police do what they do...which was my answer back in May.

OpheliaKatz

Edit: Oh never mind... your question was answered.

hopeful4

I will reiterate here that I would get everything out of the home that is his. If he has not picked it up, I would give him a letter giving him X amount of time (no more than 30 days) to get EVERY SINGLE THING out. You say there is little left, however, you also say he broke in and stole a ring and Viagra. That's not recovery in any way, shape, or form, it's theft and a huge betrayal of you and your space.

Get it all in your shed, and give him no more reason to enter your home, unless of course you are holding on to things as a way to hold on to him. I don't know that answer, and you don't have to say one way or another, that is for you to decide.

Some are more blunt than others here at SR, but sometimes it takes that bluntness to cut through the nonsense we allow from addicts in our lives, regardless of what stage they are in.

You are right not to cushion him. I think you were right to call the police, regardless of the outcome. Just my two cents, if any of it helps. Take what helps from these posts, leave the rest.

Gentle hugs.

AnvilheadII

Recovery is a process...sorry you havent yet gotten to experience it

completely uncalled for.

involved

Then maia responded
Yes I am very familiar with alanon, open AA, support groups and therapists.

No I am not familiar with my qualifier ever participating in AA.

Thanks for your input anvilheadll.

aliciagr

I think you are doing a good job of sorting through your feelings, and organizing your thoughts, and personal beliefs in this situation. When I have a situation like this to work through I always try to fall back on what I feel is the "right" decision for me to make based on my thought process. what else can we do to feel at peace?

I think consequences are tricky though. With my husbands situation and his parents. Although I wont go into detail here. The didnt want to let him off the hook, which I understand. But in reality, they had the option of offering consequences that would have compensated them and still had their desired negative impact. But they chose to invoke the strongest recourse they had which was to consider it a criminal matter and call the authorities. They had that right obviously. It required my husband to jump through a few hoops but he ended up with no charges being filed and the case closed.

The timing with the police dept calling maybe was a sign since he just took the ring. Recovery does take time, changing thinking and behavior takes time. I hope he keeps evolving. Thank you for posting this thought provoking topic.

hopeful4

I think it's VERY important to keep the focus on ourselves and our own recovery. No one can force another person to recover, and it really does not matter if your qualifier is in AA, has recovered, has not recovered, what matters is where are you and your own mental health.

So to reiterate, if your qualifier has recovered definitely does not mean you have, or vice versa.

You cannot control anyone else's actions (or recovery), only your own reactions.

I will also reiterate that just because someone does not agree with you, or have utilized a different form of recovery, or have a different attitude than you, does not mean they are not experiencing recovery themselves.

FireSprite

Yes it is.

And these are NOT the actions of a person picking up a 1-yr chip for their recovery efforts, are they?

Maia may not have experience with her qualifier recovering, but her PERSONAL recovery seems to be kicking butt, and that's really all that matters, isn't it? That's what makes us able to detach from the drama, to not involve ourselves in Ex's, to be strong enough to walk away & leave the past in the past. If you can go back & read without getting defensive to what you don't like hearing, I think you'll find her posts in this thread to be highly relevant & thoughtful.

maia1234

Thank you Hopeful, Anvil and FireSprite for your comments. After my 34 years of being dragged by my axh I stopped trying to fix him and worked on myself.

I don't need to share this but I will, since "involved" doesn't feel I am qualified to have an opinion since my addict is not in "recovery", as her exbf is. The year of my divorce I went to 2 open aa meetings and 2 Alanon meetings a week for 10 straight months plus sr every night besides a therapist. That was back in 2014/2015. ( I Was extremely sick) I still attend meetings and I am still coming to support our newbies on f&f.

I have an amazing life compared to what I was living. I have a great job in a church with amazing benefits, awesome pay and good people around me. I bought a home in a safe area and a great relationship with my kids. I sleep at night and wake up with a smile on my face. I am spiritually and mentally healthy. ,

I am not obsessed with an addict breaking into my home, of being arrested, or being treated horribly. I don't get involved with his disasters. I have earned and worked very hard for what I have.

Maybe one day you will be as blessed as I have been. I am grateful that God has given me a new lease on life and I hope one day you can feel the same way I feel today. I am grateful that the men and women on this forum showed me that my axh was not a special snowflake that needed to be coddled and taken care of. He was an adult and should be respected for who he was not who I wanted him to be.

involved

Why are some of you so triggered by the quality of my axbf's recovery...sounds like you don't think he should have picked up a medallion because the quality of his recovery isnt where YOU think it should be... his program is his business as we all agreed was the answer to my squirley thoughts that brought me here...but some wont let it go even when I said over and over that I whole heartedly agree! I feel like there will be a tiki torch parade coming down me street soon! This aproach is off topic and agressive to me!