Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
Update
Hello,
So, the last time I shared I had just asked my AW to move out and not come back until she had at least 6 months sober. She moved in with her mom. This was in late February. I met her a month or so later and she seemed to have been making some progress, claimed to have had only one little sip in 3 weeks (I wasn’t sure I believed her but she seemed to be doing ok.) Meanhwile we were in touch about once a week or so. Then I met her a couple of months later, and she still claimed to be sober – this time I most certainly didn’t believe her as she had obviously been drinking right before the meeting! Soon after that she went to my parents’ house drunk, kept sneaking drinks when she was there and ended up making a big scene and insulting my family. This was in May. She then went off to another town to stay with a friend of hers, saying this would help her get sober.
I had pretty much given up hope at this point, but it appears that the last incident with my family really was some kind of ‘bottom’ (though objectively speaking there had been far worse). At her friend’s place she went through a sort of homemade rehab: she allowed herself to be locked in the house where there was no booze, gave up her purse, didn’t leave the house unless she was accompanied. Her friend – who was aware of the extent of the problem - was in touch with me and had described all this even before AW got in touch with me herself. In addition to an antidepressant, she was earlier taking some anti-anxiety pills as well as some ‘anti-craving’ medication; she stopped taking these (except for the antidepressant) and has now been sober for about 10 weeks.
It’s weird, but while I had gotten to the stage where I wouldn’t believe a word she said about not drinking, this time I have no hesitation in believing her. Does that make sense? There is a clear transformation in her behaviour. She wrote me a long email where she took responsibility for everything, stopped blaming everyone else and pledged to stay sober and try to earn my trust back. It is hard to explain but there was a very clear change of tone. She admitted just how much she had been drinking and how she had lied to everybody, not just me but all her family and friends. There were no more demands, no more excuses. Both before and after that she respected my desire to not be in touch at all.
She came back to her mom's a month or so ago. I met her this weekend and it was such a change to meet an actual sober, clear-eyed, responsible person! Three months ago she was pleading with me to let her come back home, but now she says she needs some more time to work on herself before she can come back; she is aghast at how much damage she has done to herself and to her marriage over the past few years. She is also slowly trying to mend her relationship with my family (her family is a whole separate story). She volunteers at this library for underprivileged kids (somehow she managed to do this even when she was drinking) and is now putting more time and energy into it. I don’t think she is going back to the doctor or to AA but she is going to her therapist again for intensive sessions, and has taken up yoga which she says has helped a lot. I didn’t question her too closely on the details of her daily routine.
Meanwhile, I’ve enjoyed being free of alcoholic-induced stress over the past 6 months. I’m quite a loner actually, and am perfectly happy alone with my work and hobbies and whatnot. I’ve also rediscovered my old joy in travelling alone. I went on a very extravagant foreign vacation that I most certainly couldn’t have afforded for two!
I’m uncertain about what lies ahead. She is clear that she wants to come back after a while. I’m very clear that if she doesn’t stay sober I’m going to ask for a divorce. Assuming she stays sober and comes back in a few months, part of me doesn’t like the idea of spending my whole life worrying about when my wife is going to relapse. It’s also going to be so hard to rebuild trust. I feel like she lied to me just too many times when she was drinking. At the same time I don’t think I can give up on the marriage yet; deep down I know I have to give it another shot if she stays sober, I can’t just run away - although part of me thinks that would be so much easier. I was SO unhappy when she was last around and I’ve been so much happier without her – simple logic says I should just stay alone! But I guess life isn’t that simple. Right?
Phew, this became a long post!Thanks for reading
So, the last time I shared I had just asked my AW to move out and not come back until she had at least 6 months sober. She moved in with her mom. This was in late February. I met her a month or so later and she seemed to have been making some progress, claimed to have had only one little sip in 3 weeks (I wasn’t sure I believed her but she seemed to be doing ok.) Meanhwile we were in touch about once a week or so. Then I met her a couple of months later, and she still claimed to be sober – this time I most certainly didn’t believe her as she had obviously been drinking right before the meeting! Soon after that she went to my parents’ house drunk, kept sneaking drinks when she was there and ended up making a big scene and insulting my family. This was in May. She then went off to another town to stay with a friend of hers, saying this would help her get sober.
I had pretty much given up hope at this point, but it appears that the last incident with my family really was some kind of ‘bottom’ (though objectively speaking there had been far worse). At her friend’s place she went through a sort of homemade rehab: she allowed herself to be locked in the house where there was no booze, gave up her purse, didn’t leave the house unless she was accompanied. Her friend – who was aware of the extent of the problem - was in touch with me and had described all this even before AW got in touch with me herself. In addition to an antidepressant, she was earlier taking some anti-anxiety pills as well as some ‘anti-craving’ medication; she stopped taking these (except for the antidepressant) and has now been sober for about 10 weeks.
It’s weird, but while I had gotten to the stage where I wouldn’t believe a word she said about not drinking, this time I have no hesitation in believing her. Does that make sense? There is a clear transformation in her behaviour. She wrote me a long email where she took responsibility for everything, stopped blaming everyone else and pledged to stay sober and try to earn my trust back. It is hard to explain but there was a very clear change of tone. She admitted just how much she had been drinking and how she had lied to everybody, not just me but all her family and friends. There were no more demands, no more excuses. Both before and after that she respected my desire to not be in touch at all.
She came back to her mom's a month or so ago. I met her this weekend and it was such a change to meet an actual sober, clear-eyed, responsible person! Three months ago she was pleading with me to let her come back home, but now she says she needs some more time to work on herself before she can come back; she is aghast at how much damage she has done to herself and to her marriage over the past few years. She is also slowly trying to mend her relationship with my family (her family is a whole separate story). She volunteers at this library for underprivileged kids (somehow she managed to do this even when she was drinking) and is now putting more time and energy into it. I don’t think she is going back to the doctor or to AA but she is going to her therapist again for intensive sessions, and has taken up yoga which she says has helped a lot. I didn’t question her too closely on the details of her daily routine.
Meanwhile, I’ve enjoyed being free of alcoholic-induced stress over the past 6 months. I’m quite a loner actually, and am perfectly happy alone with my work and hobbies and whatnot. I’ve also rediscovered my old joy in travelling alone. I went on a very extravagant foreign vacation that I most certainly couldn’t have afforded for two!
I’m uncertain about what lies ahead. She is clear that she wants to come back after a while. I’m very clear that if she doesn’t stay sober I’m going to ask for a divorce. Assuming she stays sober and comes back in a few months, part of me doesn’t like the idea of spending my whole life worrying about when my wife is going to relapse. It’s also going to be so hard to rebuild trust. I feel like she lied to me just too many times when she was drinking. At the same time I don’t think I can give up on the marriage yet; deep down I know I have to give it another shot if she stays sober, I can’t just run away - although part of me thinks that would be so much easier. I was SO unhappy when she was last around and I’ve been so much happier without her – simple logic says I should just stay alone! But I guess life isn’t that simple. Right?
Phew, this became a long post!Thanks for reading
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm happy for both of you. Take your time in deciding what you want to do with your life. You don't "owe" your wife anything just because she finally got sober--and if her recovery is good she will understand that, even if it makes her sad. You never know, you might even remain friends if you get divorced. I divorced my 15-years sober first husband and today we are still good friends--he's now been sober for 37 years and is happily remarried. I stay with him and his wife when I visit my adult kids.
I'm like you--I've decided I'm happier alone (had another marriage and a long-term relationship). I'll never say NEVER, but unless I feel like someone is GREATLY enhancing my life, I'll keep enjoying being single and doing what I like.
I'm like you--I've decided I'm happier alone (had another marriage and a long-term relationship). I'll never say NEVER, but unless I feel like someone is GREATLY enhancing my life, I'll keep enjoying being single and doing what I like.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Thanks for the update, rescuer.
I am very glad your wife has embraced sobriety. Sounds like she is trying hard to get her life back on track.
As for the two of you, only time will tell.
Certainly, don't feel pressure to put things back where they were before, because that can never be.
You are both on a different path now. Whether your paths will converge or not will be revealed in time.
Peace.
I am very glad your wife has embraced sobriety. Sounds like she is trying hard to get her life back on track.
As for the two of you, only time will tell.
Certainly, don't feel pressure to put things back where they were before, because that can never be.
You are both on a different path now. Whether your paths will converge or not will be revealed in time.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
From your post it seems she is not the right partner for you for the rest of your life, even if she stays sober, and that you'll live in fear of her relapsing.
The alcoholic partner of a friend of mine is sober about a year now. While it's wonderful she isn't drinking, she's a selfish and lazy person and he is not happy, and lives in fear of a relapse. It's like the drinking was such a horrendous problem (she was a violent and crazy drunk) it eclipsed every other issue. Take away the drinking - for which she absolutely deserves credit - and other issues remain.
It's great your wife is sober of course and I hope that continues. Best of luck to you both, together or not.
The alcoholic partner of a friend of mine is sober about a year now. While it's wonderful she isn't drinking, she's a selfish and lazy person and he is not happy, and lives in fear of a relapse. It's like the drinking was such a horrendous problem (she was a violent and crazy drunk) it eclipsed every other issue. Take away the drinking - for which she absolutely deserves credit - and other issues remain.
It's great your wife is sober of course and I hope that continues. Best of luck to you both, together or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's a hard situation. My XAH was sober for over a year after rehab. He then relapsed. Many do, some don't. It's great that she is working recovery, but it may be too late, and that is absolutely ok. It's up to you to decide if you want more time, or if living w/the possibility that shes an addict and could relapse is too much for you.
Glad you are getting some peace for yourself.
Glad you are getting some peace for yourself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
rescuer.....It is great that she is now sober. I agree that you should take a lot more time in deciding how you are going to proceed. After all, she has only been sober for 21/2 months.
My point of view may be different than some others. In my own, personal experience, I have only known long term recovering alcoholics who worked a strong program....in AA. I mean like 5-10-15yrs. or more. I have known lots of people who have gotten sober for shorter lengths of time without a program...but, they relapsed, eventually.
Knowing that would give me hesitation to re-engage with someone who was not attending and living their life by a strong alcoholism program....no
matter, if they were seeing other doctors/therapists, or not.
Mind you, I do think that it is great to see a therapist or other such professionals.
It is essential, I believe, when there are other conditions involved. Many alcoholics are believed to have dual diagnoses....so, those conditions and the alcoholism must be treated, simultaneously......
Other people may not hold my opinion on this....but, I know my OWN limitations, and, I know the nightmare of living with a practicing alcoholic, and the fear/heartbreak of relapse.....
We all have to make our own personal decisions....
You might think about attending alanon for your own personal support from others who have been in your same shoes....
You need support as much as she does.....
My point of view may be different than some others. In my own, personal experience, I have only known long term recovering alcoholics who worked a strong program....in AA. I mean like 5-10-15yrs. or more. I have known lots of people who have gotten sober for shorter lengths of time without a program...but, they relapsed, eventually.
Knowing that would give me hesitation to re-engage with someone who was not attending and living their life by a strong alcoholism program....no
matter, if they were seeing other doctors/therapists, or not.
Mind you, I do think that it is great to see a therapist or other such professionals.
It is essential, I believe, when there are other conditions involved. Many alcoholics are believed to have dual diagnoses....so, those conditions and the alcoholism must be treated, simultaneously......
Other people may not hold my opinion on this....but, I know my OWN limitations, and, I know the nightmare of living with a practicing alcoholic, and the fear/heartbreak of relapse.....
We all have to make our own personal decisions....
You might think about attending alanon for your own personal support from others who have been in your same shoes....
You need support as much as she does.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
Thank you everyone for your responses. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens, as I have been doing for the past few months.
Nobody else is saying it, I'm saying it to myself. It's just a gut feeling; the same kind that told me back in February that the time had come to ask her to move out. It's hard to explain but it feels like ending the marriage right now wouldn't necessarily be the right and healthy decision. I feel like I have to let the story play out a bit more to its natural conclusion (whatever that turns out to be). I'm not religious but I guess I'm quite fatalistic!
You're right, of course. But I feel like I do owe her and the marriage something at this moment in time because I made a commitment and then I made an (implied) promise to give it a shot if she gets sober. Certainly I don't owe her forever.
That's what I'm afraid of. But in many ways she is a good partner for me. I just hope the trauma of the past few years doesn't make it impossible for us to have a future. The 'living in fear' is what's playing on my mind 
Yes. That's exactly what I'm telling myself!
Thanks again to everybody
Originally Posted by sylvie83 
Just reading what you said I wondered who says you have to give it another go? Who says you would be running away?...
Originally Posted by LexieCat
You don't "owe" your wife anything just because she finally got sober.
Originally Posted by 53500
From your post it seems she is not the right partner for you for the rest of your life, even if she stays sober, and that you'll live in fear of her relapsing.
Originally Posted by maia1234
Please be careful letting your guard down, as with all acoholics, more will be revealed.
Thanks again to everybody
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
rescuer...while you are "waiting"...it is just as important for you to be working on yourself as much as she is....
You will see it said, over and over....that if one person in the relationship changes or gets sober, and the other one doesn't make changes...it detrimental to the relationship....
It seems that the relationships where both are working on themselves, simultaneously, have the best chance of making it....
You will see it said, over and over....that if one person in the relationship changes or gets sober, and the other one doesn't make changes...it detrimental to the relationship....
It seems that the relationships where both are working on themselves, simultaneously, have the best chance of making it....
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