Can't believe I'm back here again
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Can't believe I'm back here again
Hi all
Long time since I've been on here & this time a different circumstance but I do need support & can't talk to others about this.
It seems my best friend now has a drinking problem.
I went to her house in the weekend & she was so drunk she could barely stand up. The last time I went to her house she was the same.
I've noticed a change in her behaviour particularly towards her 2 children who live with her.
She has recently met a man & had a relationship for maybe 5 months.
He lives with her most of time although has his own place.
It was the first time I met him.
He had to toilet her & put her to bed she was so wasted. I went out to see my children & hers & her daughter informed me she was like that a lot since the relationship started. I was shocked.
I then asked if I could have a private discussion with her son & her mother who lives with her.
They are extremely worried & said she is getting drunk several times a week when her boyfriend is there & when he's not there she goes to bed at 8pm & they don't see her. She cooks when he's there but leaves the kids to fend for themselves when he's not there. It's so bad that her daughter (15) is thinking about going to live with her Dad out of town. Her mother tried to talk to her & just had her head bitten off. The son has said he is going to try & talk to her. I've offered to do so if they need me to & I've advised the daughter if she needs to leave at anytime I am there for her.
It's awful. She took so much pride in her kids & now she is downright nasty to them or has nothing to do with them.
She text me this morning to say sorry for her state & I simply replied I'm worried about her. She said she is OK & just tired.
I left it at that as don't want to say anything until her son has addressed her.
For those of you who don't know me I was with an alcoholic boyfriend for some years. Luckily he's a success story & been sober on 4 years now. We're not together at present but are very good friends.
Unfortunately seeing alcohol ruin this current family has bought back memories of my prior dealing with alcohol.
Just need support.
Thanks for listening.
Hugs
Long time since I've been on here & this time a different circumstance but I do need support & can't talk to others about this.
It seems my best friend now has a drinking problem.
I went to her house in the weekend & she was so drunk she could barely stand up. The last time I went to her house she was the same.
I've noticed a change in her behaviour particularly towards her 2 children who live with her.
She has recently met a man & had a relationship for maybe 5 months.
He lives with her most of time although has his own place.
It was the first time I met him.
He had to toilet her & put her to bed she was so wasted. I went out to see my children & hers & her daughter informed me she was like that a lot since the relationship started. I was shocked.
I then asked if I could have a private discussion with her son & her mother who lives with her.
They are extremely worried & said she is getting drunk several times a week when her boyfriend is there & when he's not there she goes to bed at 8pm & they don't see her. She cooks when he's there but leaves the kids to fend for themselves when he's not there. It's so bad that her daughter (15) is thinking about going to live with her Dad out of town. Her mother tried to talk to her & just had her head bitten off. The son has said he is going to try & talk to her. I've offered to do so if they need me to & I've advised the daughter if she needs to leave at anytime I am there for her.
It's awful. She took so much pride in her kids & now she is downright nasty to them or has nothing to do with them.
She text me this morning to say sorry for her state & I simply replied I'm worried about her. She said she is OK & just tired.
I left it at that as don't want to say anything until her son has addressed her.
For those of you who don't know me I was with an alcoholic boyfriend for some years. Luckily he's a success story & been sober on 4 years now. We're not together at present but are very good friends.
Unfortunately seeing alcohol ruin this current family has bought back memories of my prior dealing with alcohol.
Just need support.
Thanks for listening.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Rosie,
Glad you reached out. You of course know that there really is no "talking" to an alcoholic about there drinking, unless they are really ready to seek help. I would highly recommend the kids to reach out to alateen for support or an addiction therapist. We also have the adult children of alcoholics forum here on SR, that they could educate themselves.
I also would support getting the kids out of the home. They really don't need to see mom so drunk that someone needs to put her to bed a couple nights a week.
Good for you for stepping up, but I would seek support for the family, not the addict.
Glad you reached out. You of course know that there really is no "talking" to an alcoholic about there drinking, unless they are really ready to seek help. I would highly recommend the kids to reach out to alateen for support or an addiction therapist. We also have the adult children of alcoholics forum here on SR, that they could educate themselves.
I also would support getting the kids out of the home. They really don't need to see mom so drunk that someone needs to put her to bed a couple nights a week.
Good for you for stepping up, but I would seek support for the family, not the addict.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 46
Hi Rosie
I'm new enough here so don't have advise to give you but I thought I'd tell you a little of my story.about 5 years ago I had started to drink a bit too much with my rah.well after a few weeks of this my best friend had a serious talk with me.she Sat me down and pretty much gave it to me.
To this day I thank god for such a friend.it took my friend to spell it out before I saw what was happening to my kids.
Hugs to you
I'm new enough here so don't have advise to give you but I thought I'd tell you a little of my story.about 5 years ago I had started to drink a bit too much with my rah.well after a few weeks of this my best friend had a serious talk with me.she Sat me down and pretty much gave it to me.
To this day I thank god for such a friend.it took my friend to spell it out before I saw what was happening to my kids.
Hugs to you
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Rosie!
It's good to hear from you, I am sorry for what has brought you back however. What a sad state. I would not expect much from the son talking to her, and be prepared to be there for the kids in any way that you can.
Big hugs!
It's good to hear from you, I am sorry for what has brought you back however. What a sad state. I would not expect much from the son talking to her, and be prepared to be there for the kids in any way that you can.
Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm very sorry for this family and sorry that you have to witness your best friend's deterioration. I think you are doing the right thing by letting the children know that you are there to help and support them. Having a calm, sympathetic adult presence in their lives could be really important for them. I'm glad that you realize you can't reason with your friend when she's drinking like that. You care about her very much, but the only people in this scenario that you can help are her children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I have contacted the daughter & given her direction to al-anon & alateen & told her it is important that she get the support she needs & it may be beneficial to build a support network with likeminded people. She thanked me very much for the information & said she would look into it. We all know how dealing with alcoholism can feel like we're alone in the beginning & any offer of help is great.
Thank you so much for supporting me.
You made me realise that its an addiction & there's no talking to an addict & I completely forgot this & my first instinct was to try to "fix this". I should've known better, my codependent side again.
Thanks for spelling it out to me.
Hugs
Thank you so much for supporting me.
You made me realise that its an addiction & there's no talking to an addict & I completely forgot this & my first instinct was to try to "fix this". I should've known better, my codependent side again.
Thanks for spelling it out to me.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I saw my best friends son yesterday & he said he had managed to have a talk to his Mum. She admitted she had turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism for all the long hours she was working. He said they had planned to all have a sit down family discussion & divide up the workload of the household to help her.
This is a great step in the right direction.
I'm not entirely convinced this will fix the problem as I have this nagging feeling the new boyfriend may influence her ways.
For now I think I've done all I can, given support, let them know I'm there should they need me.
I think maybe I'll touch base in a few weeks to see if things have indeed settled down & to keep the communication lines open.
This is a great step in the right direction.
I'm not entirely convinced this will fix the problem as I have this nagging feeling the new boyfriend may influence her ways.
For now I think I've done all I can, given support, let them know I'm there should they need me.
I think maybe I'll touch base in a few weeks to see if things have indeed settled down & to keep the communication lines open.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
So here I am again SR friends.
Feeling the affect of alcohol on my life.
Can't understand why this is happening to me.
To follow on from this post My best friend has been absent from my life for quite some time.
She purposely likes her friends comments on facebook & ignores mine.
Haven't heard from her but gave her & her family space to deal with her drinking.
I've been feeling uncomfortable with the silence & the purposeful elimination from invites & liked posts or even any text content & thought it is absolutely ridiculous to be shunned from my best friend relationship I've had for years.
I could not let it lie unless I tried for resolve & text her have I offended her in some way.
After a day or so she has replied with yes I have & I went behind her back to her family & she would never do that to me & she had struggles & I wasn't there & always too busy for her etc etc. Quack quack.
I am shocked. The night I last saw her she egged me on to come over. I got there she was smashed. Her boyfriend toileted her & put her to bed. Her daughter, son & mother confided in me & together we made a plan to speak to her. The son took responsibility. I took a step back to let her & her family deal with the situation. I told her I was worried about her & she denied anything was wrong & said she was just tired.
Since then I believe that things have settled within the family.
Tonight she text that her mother was the reason for her breakdown & that I should have been there for her & that I shouldve listened to her side of the story. That shed been through difficult times & I didnt support her.
I didn't know.
I was thrown into an situation with her being off her face & her family breaking down & now I am somehow the bad one????
Why does this happen to me?
I may be codependent SR friends but I will no longer stand for someone casting blame on me for their situation. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.....or was I?
Due to the daughter talking to me alongside the son & mother it seems they faced their mother & gained some resolve. i stepped back for them to achieve that.
Now I'm the monster & she no longer wishes to be friends with me.
I've gone through substance abuse, an alcoholic partner who thankfully made it through & now this.
All I can say is that I'm deeply upset by my best friends actions & ignorance & judgement on me.
I believe in myself. I have done the best I could. I offered her kids support & I stood back to let the family deal with it themselves. I would have supported her if she had of admitted a problem instead of denial.
Everybody makes their own choices in life & I am sorry she chooses not to be my best friend because she is quacking.
Life goes on & so will I but it does hurt that once again I am back here being affected from another substance/alcohol problem.
Thanks for listening
Hugs to all as always
Rosie xx
Feeling the affect of alcohol on my life.
Can't understand why this is happening to me.
To follow on from this post My best friend has been absent from my life for quite some time.
She purposely likes her friends comments on facebook & ignores mine.
Haven't heard from her but gave her & her family space to deal with her drinking.
I've been feeling uncomfortable with the silence & the purposeful elimination from invites & liked posts or even any text content & thought it is absolutely ridiculous to be shunned from my best friend relationship I've had for years.
I could not let it lie unless I tried for resolve & text her have I offended her in some way.
After a day or so she has replied with yes I have & I went behind her back to her family & she would never do that to me & she had struggles & I wasn't there & always too busy for her etc etc. Quack quack.
I am shocked. The night I last saw her she egged me on to come over. I got there she was smashed. Her boyfriend toileted her & put her to bed. Her daughter, son & mother confided in me & together we made a plan to speak to her. The son took responsibility. I took a step back to let her & her family deal with the situation. I told her I was worried about her & she denied anything was wrong & said she was just tired.
Since then I believe that things have settled within the family.
Tonight she text that her mother was the reason for her breakdown & that I should have been there for her & that I shouldve listened to her side of the story. That shed been through difficult times & I didnt support her.
I didn't know.
I was thrown into an situation with her being off her face & her family breaking down & now I am somehow the bad one????
Why does this happen to me?
I may be codependent SR friends but I will no longer stand for someone casting blame on me for their situation. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.....or was I?
Due to the daughter talking to me alongside the son & mother it seems they faced their mother & gained some resolve. i stepped back for them to achieve that.
Now I'm the monster & she no longer wishes to be friends with me.
I've gone through substance abuse, an alcoholic partner who thankfully made it through & now this.
All I can say is that I'm deeply upset by my best friends actions & ignorance & judgement on me.
I believe in myself. I have done the best I could. I offered her kids support & I stood back to let the family deal with it themselves. I would have supported her if she had of admitted a problem instead of denial.
Everybody makes their own choices in life & I am sorry she chooses not to be my best friend because she is quacking.
Life goes on & so will I but it does hurt that once again I am back here being affected from another substance/alcohol problem.
Thanks for listening
Hugs to all as always
Rosie xx
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Rosie.....denial is an awful thing, and there she is. You are bringing to light something she does not want to deal with, and she resents the heck out of you for it. It does not mean you are wrong, it means she is not ready to acknowledge her issue.
Big hugs friend. We are here for you.
Big hugs friend. We are here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Rosie.....denial is an awful thing, and there she is. You are bringing to light something she does not want to deal with, and she resents the heck out of you for it. It does not mean you are wrong, it means she is not ready to acknowledge her issue.
Big hugs friend. We are here for you.
Big hugs friend. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 37
If you were given the choice to save her family or your friendship, which would you have taken?
You did the right thing. You don't deserve the consequences, and hopefully some day she'll realize this.
I'm really truly sorry. You are a very good friend whether or not she ever realizes it.
You did the right thing. You don't deserve the consequences, and hopefully some day she'll realize this.
I'm really truly sorry. You are a very good friend whether or not she ever realizes it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is very well said. Maybe you need to send what you just said here, to me, to her. It's very articulate.
I am sorry for your pain friend. Addict behavior is so very hurtful.
I am sorry for your pain friend. Addict behavior is so very hurtful.
Originally Posted by Rosiepetal
Thankyou hopeful. I am so sad that i have lost my best friend. Equally sad is that i will never get to see her kids grow up despite offering the whole family support. If she had asked for my support i would have been right there but as you say denial prevented it. Now she feels ive betrayed her by talking to her family behind her back. It wasnt behind her back. It was thrust upon me when i was present and witnessed her bad behavior and her family talked to me about it. I feel that i helped as together we made a plan to talk to her about her drinking but the family wanted to do that and i respected their space and privacy and let them do the talking. Ive checked in briefly with her son and things have improved and they seem happy. I dont understand why i am the one to be cut off here.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Worth mentioning is that my ex best friends children have just done extremely well at end of year prizegivings. I have congratulated them via facebook & even though it is oh so obvious their mother purposely doesn't like my comments both children have thanked me with smiley faces & hearts.
I know they don't blame me for any of this & could see that I was supportive to them & had the best interests of everyone at stake.
I am so down today but knowing that makes it a little better.
I know they don't blame me for any of this & could see that I was supportive to them & had the best interests of everyone at stake.
I am so down today but knowing that makes it a little better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I have been feeling quite mentally unwell today after the past few days. I have shutdown my facebook page today. It was only confirming my ex best friends hurtful avoidence of me so i shut it down to protect myself. It will be a huge adjustment for me as i love facebook and was there everyday. I now understand the importance of friendship and if people wish to be in my life they will. I am very much struggling today and would love support over this yet again alcohol related issue
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh Rosie, I am just heartsick for you over this. You did what you thought was best for the family and now she is laying the blame on you for her own issues. It shows how deep into this she really is -- and what a good friend you are to her and her kids. I hope this situation resolves in time, but until then, sending you hugs, strength, and courage.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Oh Rosie, I am just heartsick for you over this. You did what you thought was best for the family and now she is laying the blame on you for her own issues. It shows how deep into this she really is -- and what a good friend you are to her and her kids. I hope this situation resolves in time, but until then, sending you hugs, strength, and courage.
I went to the gym with my daughter and had a great workout which helped. I think i may be experiencing grief as i have lost a long term relationship and one that i held close to my heart. I will research grief as i know there are stages and its possible i will swing high and low until i get through it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don't think shutting down your FB is the answer, especially if you do enjoy it. Just delete her as a friend on there. Her behavior is typical for an alcoholic and things inside her home have probably calmed down for NOW so her kids and mother are no longer in chaos crazy mode. But you know that it will once again escalate somewhere down the road and you won't be her out her reason her excuse, that will still lay with her mother or her kids or someone else who befriends her.
it stinks when alcohol becomes the wall in relationships but please know you are on the healthy side of that wall, you did the right thing. Alcoholics don't make good friends, it probably was only a matter of time before that wall would go up with her and alcohol on one side and you on the other.
((hugs))
it stinks when alcohol becomes the wall in relationships but please know you are on the healthy side of that wall, you did the right thing. Alcoholics don't make good friends, it probably was only a matter of time before that wall would go up with her and alcohol on one side and you on the other.
((hugs))
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