Smile1478

I am not sure how to continue with the lies and then him disappearing when I confront him. So then I get to suffer again wondering where he is for past 2 days and our kids (teens) have to deal with it too. It's especially hard because I thought there was improvement but now I just wonder if I'm just in denial. Can there be any improvement if drinking doesn't stop completely? I am so upset. I do understand that this likely isn't about me but it's so personal it's hard to separate as it's my husband of 17 years doing these things. I feel lost and alone.

SmallButMighty

I know how upset you are, I've been there, we all have.

If they could cope with life on life's terms they wouldn't be alcoholics after all.

My XAH was also a runner. He couldn't handle emotions and when things got heated he would flee. Usually just for a few hours but it was enough to worry my anxiety into knots. He knew that, I believe he wasn't just fleeing the situation, I think he knew what it did to me when he left like that so he used it as a form of manipulation. It kept me off balance, scared and weak. He would come home and I would be so glad he was alive and home safe that I'd give him the silent treatment instead of nagging at him about his latest bender and the lies that came with it. When tempers cooled, he'd apologize, tell me he needed help, promise it wouldn't ever happen again. Until the next time. The next times were never ending. He got sicker. I got sicker. Our marriage got toxic.

It was a VERY SICK cycle. And it went on far longer than it should have.

You are right , in that his drinking and behavior isn't ABOUT you... but it does affect you...and how you respond to his behavior absolutely is about you.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. My XAH would not change, so I had to if I wanted my life to change. It was hard and it was painful but it was worth it.

Living with an alcoholic spouse is hell. It does not get better if they do not seek true recovery for themselves.

I am sorry you are living this way. I remember those feelings you are having all to well, they were suffocating.

My advice is to educate yourself about codependence. Learn to set boundaries. Read, read, read all you can here at SRF&F. Maybe, look up Alanon meetings in your area, if there aren't any, you can attend online (I had to do this I lived in a rural area when I was married to AXH)

Being married to an alcoholic is a hard, hard roe to hoe. Staying married is hard...leaving is hard. There is no easy solution for you. I hope you reach out and hold tight to any and all forms of support available to you.

We are here for you when ever you need to vent. We get it. I wish we didn't, but we do, so we might as well put that painfully gained wisdom to use right? You are not alone, you are among friends who truly understand.

* BIG HUG*

honeypig

It's not likely, Smile. Not if he's actually an alcoholic.

I would second the suggestions to read as much as you can here--the more you know, the better equipped you'll be to make good decisions when the time comes. I would also second the suggestion for Alanon, and since your kids are teens, I would suggest Alateen for them since they will need education and support just as much as you will.

As one of our members here likes to say, "Knowledge is power!" It's so true--when I was in my own little tiny world w/XAH, I had no way to reality check what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, being told. I felt alone, scared, and constantly off balance and confused, probably very similar to what you're feeling right now.

Once I got started in SR and Alanon, I began to see the patterns of behavior that most A's share. I felt a lot less crazy and alone. Then I began to see the patterns of behavior that I shared w/other spouses/partners/etc. of A's. Now that was truly eye-opening!

The strength of SR is in our members. Sometimes folks come in w/blinders on and only ever read/post in their own thread--they are missing the biggest part of the benefits to be gained here. So again, I will urge you to read widely and to post in other people's threads.

To echo SmallButMighty, it certainly won't be easy, but I'll add that it WILL be worth it.

Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.

dandylion

Smile.....I also, concur that lasting improvement will not happen as long as he is not in recovery. It is not uncommon for some to "white knuckle" for periods of time. They try to control their drinking....but it doesn't last because the disease is so powerful and the alcoholic voice keeps talking to them...24/7. The compulsion to drink is overwhelming.
There is a big difference between just putting down the bottle...and, being in true recovery...working a strong program as their number one priority, over everything else.
It is important for you to understand this, even if he doesn't.
SmallButMighty is right....staying is hard and leaving is hard. This is the dilemma that brings many people to this forum...and it is a painful one, for sure.
Pain in both directions....
It may come down to a choice between short-term pain or long-term pain.
Living with an alcoholic who is still in denial and resistant to get into true recovery goes on and on, and only gets worse over time.
Separating is painful, because of the grief period that one must navigate through...but, it has an end...things finally get better....a peaceful, happy life is possible, again....
In other words...short-term pain for the long-term gain....

I am going to give you a link (again) to our Classic Reading articles, from our Stickies section....
It will help you if you read some, every day...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

Sticking with alanon and continuing to post and read and learn here, will help prepare yourself for the challenges that you face...
Your own counselor would be a big help when one is facing life decisions and changes, like you are facing....

the more knowledge you have and the more support that you have, around you...the easier life becomes....

AnvilheadII

your title says he runs away because he cannot COPE.....i suggest he runs away so he can do exactly what he wants, while abandoning his family. any time i hear of multiple day disappearances, i think drugs are involved. and other super sketchy behavior.

ladyscribbler

It was very helpful to me to examine these types of feelings. I felt absolutely obligated to suffer through my ex's drinking bouts. But that kind of obsessive thinking about him only made everyone else suffer.

He was nowhere near as invested in making sure my needs were met in the relationship as I was. Ensuring that his entire life was smooth sailing was most of my function in our relationship. I obsessed over how to make him "happy enough" to quit drinking, which meant that I made it very easy for him to continue drinking.

My words said I'd had enough, this is it, if you don't, I'll... I really thought I was confronting the problem head-on by not letting him "get away" with anything. My mouth was pretty tough! But my actions- cleaning up his messes, revolving my life and my children's lives around his moods and whims, shouldering the burden of all household responsibilities- were pure enabling.

He had no reason to do anything but exactly what he was doing. It worked for him, got him just about whatever he wanted. My kids and I were the ones who wanted things to change, and I was the only one who could take the actions to make those changes happen.

Smile1478

Thanks to you all. I will keep posting and reading.

NYCDoglvr

I've never heard of that happening. He runs away from you because he won't confront his drinking. Then you let him back; your actions are essentially saying you're ok with his drinking despite your words. I recommend Alanon, it was a lifesaver for me because I also needed to change.

Smile1478

I have been to Al anon. I never thought though about him running because he doesn't want to confront his drinking. Thought he was running because he knows I'm angry at the lie. I am working on me too- this was a hard one to deal with as things had been better for short time. He's in addiction group but still drinking? I'm not a professional so I don't know the why just how the actions feel at this end. And not always strong enough to react without emotion.

dandylion

I think that relapse hits the loved ones harder than the initial drinking...at least it did for me. For me, it sent my heart straight to the ocean floor.
This is why it is so important to know the nature of alcoholism...ao that one doesn't get too pumped up with expectations and hope....
Alcoholics are prone to relapse, especially in early recovery....because, for one thing....the fervent hope of every alcoholic is that they can return to controlled drinking...they would love to drink like non-alcoholics, and it is a tough reality for them to accept--that they can never safely drink at all. They will fight that reality tooth and nail....

AnvilheadII

how often does this "running" thing occur?

Mountainmanbob

From what we have seen -- for the true alcoholic the answer is almost always -- no. Complete abstinence is the only way out.

For the true alcoholic it seems there will always be yet another still worse relapse.

M-Bob

tomsteve

i heard early on in recovery- and find it true in myself and some others- that an alcoholic stops growing mentally and emotionally whent hey take their very first drink. although 37 when i got sober, i was 13 ish mentally and emotionally.
about the age when a kid runs away from something they didnt like to hear.

Smile1478

It's been awhile since it happened. Probably 6 months now. I guess I reacted strongly because I thought (wrongly) we were past the running. So my reaction made it worse but I was being lied to.. ugh.

maia1234

Smile,
Have you ever thought that he runs so he can drink in peace. My axh use to take off every weekend. Loved being "single" no one nagging, complaining, biatching at him. He loved it and so is your ah. He comes home from a great couple days, you are pissed off, but you will forgive him, like you always do. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You and your kids worry sick about him gone. You should have enjoyed the peace and quiet. Gone to a park, state fair, or any fun event. Dont give him that power to ruin your life. Do you think he cared that you were worried sick, no you are a controlling biatch and he is not going to take it any longer. Keep moving forward, don't let him control anymore of your time regarding him.

That is selfish, and just discusting that he would do that to you and your kids. You do not have to take this behavior. Like said above he is acting like a 12 year old!! Move on because it will only get worse and then he will be gone for 4 days instead of two. hugs!!

amy55

I would like to ask you if before the actual "running away", if you were getting the silent treatment. It's another form of "running away".

Smile1478

Yes. The day before. My 2 cents is that he knew what he was going to do, had anxiety/some guilt and set it up so I'm the bad guy in his mind. Maybe not even knowingly. Started an argument to have an excuse. Back to Al anon for me. Need to work on me to make better decisions.

Smile1478

Sounds about right. Started same time for him and his dad was alcoholic. Thanks for sharing.

FeelingGreat

Hi Smile, I agree with maia that the explanation could be quite simple; he's gone off to drink in peace. If he doesn't answer the phone you don't hear his voice slurring.

As a recovered A, I know the mind of someone white-knuckling, which he will be if he's not given up drinking completely. All you can think about is the sheer relief of your next drink.

The fact that you confronted him may have been the extra stress that triggered him (because an A is used to fixing everything with a drink) but I bet he was craving for it anyway.

Real recovery does not look like disappearing in times of stress.

aliciagr

So your saying he physically left the home for 2 days and you and the kids didnt know where he was?

I would have a really hard time with that. It doesnt point to healthy behavior obviously, what was he like before ?

There were multiple times my husband would reduce and try to make changes but then slide into a binge. I had to look at it in two ways. One is that any binge where one is intoxicated is going to lead to bad decisions, self centered acts, and sometime yes I think the purpose initially was to escape but then he lost control and couldnt quit.
The 2nd thing I had to learn was change is a process. And at the end of a binge there are two roads to take. One led back to his therapy sessions, being honest about his thoughts and feelings, and working to try to find the triggers that led to the binge in the first place. With my husband underlying emotions seemed to be his trigger. The other road leads to giving up (even temporarily) and not trying to get healthier.

You might want to read some on the Newcomers forum as there are a lot of members who are trying to stop, modify their behaviors, learn new skills. As a family member, I found it very helpful to see how challenging it can be, how slips happen, and how they are dealt with.

The bottom line here on the family forum is focus on you and your feelings however. Your husband isnt here to share so I wont take a stab on knowing whats going through his mind, or where he is at with his group therapy, personal goals, or the process of change.

How does his disappearing make you feel? I had such broken trust with my husband, couldnt rely on him, etc. Those were hard times because the partnership we had felt broken. Even though I knew he was sick, I still felt lonely and so disappointed.