Frustrated47

My ex abf was doing well staying sober, seeking work, etc.
Because of his history though my ex husband doesn't want him around my son. He stated that if he sees him he'd call the cops etc. I'm sure he's advised my son to do the same. I just don't want any drama.
Life is stressful enough without additional drama.

So I did advise my ex abf that I couldn't continue any relationship with him because it's just too much.

I know that he loved me and outside of the stress that his addiction had caused in the past I did have a love for him as well.

Why in the world do I still feel like my heart is broken?

Shouldn't I feel relieved for breaking off a relationship with an alcoholic even though he has stayed sober for awhile?

Did I protect myself and my child from further issues? Or did I just get rid of the only sweet, handsome guy that would ever be interested?

( I'm 47 and was born with cerebal palsy and scoliosis. He is only 27.)

A year ago we were not in a good spot. I had found some sex ads on Craigslist yet placed throughout the year before and messages between him and respondents to Those ads. In addition to that I found profiles on six different dating websites / hookup sites. HE SWEARS that he never actually met up with anyone.
I had Been so devastated. Between that and the fact that I was 20 years older then he is I felt completely disgusting as a woman and not attractive whatsoever. His brother happened to message me and I told him what happened. He apologized 4 his brother's actions and said I was beautiful Etc. His brother has an addiction as well. Anyway, his brother said he would come over so we could talk and he could help me feel better. Bing Bang Boom one thing led to another & we were intimate for all of 2 minutes. I told the BF about what happened with his brother. It's been almost a year and he is so incredibly still angry about it she can't even talk about it. I feel like he will never get over it even though I had to get over all of his Craigslist sex ads, stealing my credit card and charging drugs via merchandise, causing me to lose a job making $30,000 a year, Etc.

The things he had done we're so much worse. Yet I was the only one who could get past things that were done?

Between the fact that he couldn't get over the two minutes with his brother and the fact that I'm sure he still struggles internally with his alcoholism, and the fact that my ex-husband will not allow him near my son, how could a relationship ever work?

I feel like crap.

DID I DO THE RIGHT THING?

Sasha1972

Nobody has to get over anything. For your ex, the fact that you slept with his brother is a really big problem. It doesn't become less of a problem for him because he did crappy things himself. It must be painful to know the relationship is over, and I'm sorry about that, but from what you describe, it sounds pretty over.

Frustrated47

So you think I did the right thing then?

He said that he wanted to continue a relationship.

For that to happen he would have to get over what had happened with his brother almost a year ago.
Just like I had to get over the fact that he had stolen from me, lied to me, cost me my career, posted sex ads on Craigslist, responded to people seeking him out because of those ads on my phone, Etc.

I mean my God, he stole my credit cards and my car one night over a year ago and charged a hotel room, gas for his drug dealer and a hooker, food for a drug dealer and hooker, and merchandise that he gave to the drug dealer in order for them to return the merchandise for cash. All on my credit card and then lied to me about it. Not to mention the escort claimed that he wanted her to do things with him although they did not. She said he didn't have enough money from my credit card to pay.

I had to forgive and get past all of that.

Yet he gets to hold two minutes with his brother against me forever?

The hard part is that those types of actions had ended and he was as far as I know, doing his best to make good decisions and stay sober.

My ex-husband however cannot get past the prior actions a year or so ago. He will not allow the ex BF around my son whom I have full custody of.

So regardless of any progress the ex BF has made he still isn't allowed around my son. I just don't see how you can have a relationship with someone if you have to keep your child and them separate.

I felt like I had no choice other than to cut things off.
I mean, what would happen if you fell off the wagon again around my son? I just couldn't risk custody of my child over a relationship.

Yet for some reason I still feel terrible.

dandylion

Frustrated...I understand that you feel heartbroken, and that is a horrible feeling, I know. I think all of us can relate to that kind of pain, because we have felt it, too.

Yes, I think you did the right thing! I don't think that either of the brothers sou nd like good relationship material. I think they could only bring more heartbreak, in the future...and, not a good environment for your son.

There are lots of good decent men in this world.....and, you are much more than any disability that you may have!!
This pain will pass, with some time....after you get past the expected grieving period, of course.

I hope that you will turn your focus to your own self and your son's welfare.
You need to be in a good, healthy place with a good self-esteem to be able to attract a partner, if that is what you really want.
***Self confidence and good self esteem is very attractive to both men and women....

I hope you will stick around and continue to learn and keep posting...

You absolutely need support to get through this.....
What support do you have...?

Frustrated47

No support system I'm afraid.

My mother had me at 15 and was very resentful that she was not able to have an abortion. She never told me who my father was. I have since learned that my father had passed and never got to meet him. My mother is an extremely selfish, greedy person and I do not have contact with her.

My friends were all coworkers period since my AXBF had done some things and being connected to me had caused me to lose my great job I also lost friends. Everyone has careers and Families. It all disappeared when I lost my job.

Hence no support system whatsoever.

Frustrated47

Plus, now I'm concerned. At this point he has nothing but a tent to stay in.
He lost his license due to DUI. He doesn't currently have a job because he was injured on the job when chemicals had fallen on his foot that should have never been there in the first place.

He has no connection with family or friends. It was just me.

So now here he is homeless, jobless, alone, and sleeping in a tent.

If a break up on top of that isn't enough to send an alcoholic off the wagon and drinking I don't know what is.

What help is there for people like him?

honeypig

I can't tell you specifically about help for him other than AA, don't know if he can get unemployment or worker's comp or a spot in a shelter.

What I CAN tell you is that people have climbed back out of similar or even worse holes. It can be done. People have turned their lives around.

The other thing I can tell you is this: It is NOT up to you to help him do this, make him do this, show him how to do this. It is up to him.

Reading around in the sections of the forum for alcoholics might be helpful for you in understanding this.

Frustrated47

He's gone the shelter route before. You have to sign in by a certain time during the day each day. The problem is that there are so many homeless that it is difficult to actually get a spot and get in. The homeless shelter is in a dangerous part of downtown and he has no transportation to get downtown.

When I am truly very angry I think ' forget it let him handle it.'
I'm just not that cold and callous of a person though. To lay here and think of him being out in the cold and hungry as well as scared lonely, and sad truly hurts my heart.

When he did get into the shelter one night before he said it was absolutely horrible. He said people would sit there and shoot up sitting on the dirty mattresses.
I can't even imagine.

Frustrated47

He wasn't at his last couple jobs long enough to receive unemployment. He tried to get workman's comp since the fact that his prior employer was not properly storing the caustic chemicals which a machine dumped on his foot. He put my phone on speaker. The workman's comp claim adjuster said that Michigan is a no-fault state and he hadn't been off work long enough to receive workman's comp.

So he had been applying and seeking work again and I had been helping with food Etc.

I'm a single parent though and I'm only making a third now of what I used to. There is only so much that I have been able to do since I myself have property taxes due, utilities to pay, Etc.

He really was trying and he is a very hard worker.

It's just that I can't have him stay with me at this point due to his prior actions and my ex-husbands insistence on keeping him from my child..

He has never ever been mean or Gruff or aggressive towards my child ever. My ex-husband just doesn't like him and doesn't want to take any chances knowing his history and the fact that he is an alcoholic.

(Not that my ex-husband was better. He may not be an alcoholic but he is an angry abusive person and used to mop the floor with me. He openly got a mistress when I became pregnant after 10 years of marriage and moved in with his mistress when my son was born. So he is not mr. Wonderful himself.)

53500

Hello Frustrated, nice to "meet" you.

IMO you totally did the right thing. The things your ex did were crimes and it's not a matter of emotionally getting over them as if it were an argument you had. It's more like wisely not associating with *anyone* who stole your car and credit cards! That's enough right there to cut him loose. Yet he also, as your bf, put sex ads online. This man cannot be trusted as far as you can throw him. I agree with your child's father, however flawed he may be, that this guy should not be around your child.

It's nice you have compassion for him and it sounds like he does need help, but with your history - and particularly with a child - I don't believe it is you who should help him. Let him figure it out. As honeypig said, people do climb out of holes like the one he's in. It is difficult but not impossible.

Keep reading around the forum. You're not alone.

maia1234

He is an adult let him do this on his own, he is not your responsibility. Maybe this will be his rock bottom.

You have a child that deserves 100% of your attention. Start focusing on him and give your Axbf to God to watch over. Hugs!

AnvilheadII

I had to get over all of his Craigslist sex ads, stealing my credit card and charging drugs via merchandise, causing me to lose a job making $30,000 a year, Etc.

Because of his history though my ex husband doesn't want him around my son. He stated that if he sees him he'd call the cops etc.

those are the FACTS of what this man brings to your life. instead of worrying where he is and what he is doing, your own life deserves your full attention and compassion.

LexieCat

I know people with long-term sobriety who spent time (a) living in a box--literally, (b) living in his car, (c) living in prison. There is help for ANYONE who wants it. At this point he doesn't want it--at least not badly enough to do anything about it. No way you can help someone who rejects it--and taking him into your home would not be the answer.

velma929

So, you want to teach your son that a woman should accept this kind of behavior from her man? He drinks, continues to troll for new partners, steals your credit card, uses it to get drugs, causes you to lose your job, and everything is okay? He's doing "well," doing WHAT well? And he has a brother who will make a play for his own brother's girlfriend?

he doesn't have to overlook your behavior, and you didn't HAVE to overlook his either. I suspect you've both behaved in such a way that putting all this mess behind you would be darn near impossible.

What even gives you second thoughts about this?

Frustrated47

Thank you everyone for replying and giving input.
It's so difficult to come to terms with the finality of the situation, his current circumstances, and the fact that I still have feelings for him.

Those things that he did that were 'crimes towards me will be a year ago, this October. Not that we haven't had issues since then, but I think those were the worst and I didn't want to hold those against him forever since he was working so hard to be better.

He kept asking if I really wanted to be done.

I told him it wasn't a matter of want. It was a matter of had to.

It just seems so difficult keeping my life with my child separate from my time with him.
I mean, how long would it take of him staying sober before my ex would allow all of us to be together?

I felt like I was living under my ex-husband's thumb & didn't feel like I could keep doing it.

I couldn't just tell him to mind his own business and leave us alone because of those prior incidents.

The ex-boyfriend thought I was completely overreacting, but I didn't want to risk my ex calling my bluff and going for custody of my son. I was afraid that because of past phone calls to the police and the ex-boyfriends history with being arrested when intoxicated the Justice system would side with my ex regardless of what my ex-husband had done in the past.

I brought up my ex-husband's abuse towards me when we were married and all of the horrible things he did back then. He stated that was 14 years ago and the law wouldn't care.

I'm sure he was correct on that.
In a way though, couldn't my ex BF stand on the same thing? The worst things he did were almost a year ago. He could end up being one of the most wonderful people to be in a relationship with and just say well that was X number of years ago.

I honestly really really needed the reassurance that I am done the right thing. You have no idea.

The loving connection I had with him were intense. That's why I didn't just give him the boot a year ago.
He had been my only/best friend, helping me when I really needed it because my freaking disabilities and losing my breasts to cancer have been a real hardship physically, emotionally, and mentally.

He was the only one there for me. He was the only one who stepped up and fixed something when it needed fixing, reassured me when self-loathing kicked in, even and cleaning my house when I needed it.

What other man would ever do that???

Certainly not my ex-husband or men from my past relationships.

Seriously, he'd come Cook, clean, fix, bring me flowers for no reason, was incredibly affectionate, and the physical connection was... I don't know if I have a word for it but I will use incredible for lack of a better word.

Now it's all gone because I forced him to go.

SmallButMighty

My XAH took care of me too. He did a good job of taking care of the physical parts of life; roof over my head, food in my belly, vehicles to drive, warm body in my bed, taking care of the cars and the house, the kids and the pets... gifts, vacations, affection....

BUT

A good relationship needs more then physical support. It needs emotional support. It needs both partners to CARE about the other persons feelings, dreams, desires...hurts. A good partner does not manipulate or cause feelings of despair. A good partner does not lie, steal or cheat. A good partner doesn't keep making the same choices that negatively affect those they love.

Just because there is love, even a lot of love, does not mean two people are compatible to live a life entwined.

I loved my XAH very much but we had become toxic to each other. It happens. It sucks. Finding a way to grieve that loss, love him from a distance and learn from it has made me a stronger person. I hope you find that peace soon.

maia1234

Hon,
We all love/loved our addicts, thats why we stayed and were "abused". I took it for 34 years. Just because we love them, does not mean they are good for us.

Our kids and pets still "love" their Mom and Dad even when they beat them. You are doing the right thing and good for your ex-husband worried about his child. It is not controlling you, its about the safety and sanity in your home. I would tell any spouse who was on this forum talking about their child in a home like that too cut him off or I would seek custody. Sorry, I get what your ex is going through. Its no longer about the addict, its about the child.
Hugs!!

honeypig

In my house, I can scarcely look anywhere w/o seeing something XAH fixed, built, installed, painted--we lived here for over 20 years. One of our first "dates" was demolition of the bathroom! He fixed the cars many, many times. He blew snow and mowed the lawn. We rescued turtles from the busy road we live on. When we were lazy and had "frozen pizza nights", he'd cut the pizza just so, fitting it perfectly onto a fish-shaped plate that I especially liked. He did any number of sweet, caring, wonderful things for me.

Meanwhile, he diverted money that was to be saved for retirement and spent it on his hidden cigarette and alcohol habits. He lied to my face about being sober. He mocked me in the early years of our marriage when I questioned where the money was going, so I stopped asking. He played on my fears of abandonment to keep me from pressing too hard on him.

Yes, he did an awful lot of good things, and I do believe that that's what people do to show it when they love someone. But he stole and lied and manipulated me. And that is NOT what people do when they love someone.

dandylion

Frustrated....I get it that you were grateful for the help. And, it is not like you haven't given of yourself for him, either. That is the minimum required in any relationship, while you are together....
Right now, there are millions on men in the U.S., and around the globe who are doing these very same things for their female partners....and, do not do the other negative things.....

Like was said, before....just because you "love" someone, does not mean that you are right or good for each other. You don't have to stop loving....but, it is , sometimes necessary to love them from a distance....sometimes, that is the only healthy and sane option.....

don't forget that it takes weeks to months to get through the necessary grieving period, that you , surely must be in....It does get better, and one does go on living and begin to be able to laugh, again....

Frustrated47

Oh geezer no.
My son isn't aware of any of those things happening. I certainly didn't discuss it with him.
He just turned 13 but it's much more sensitive, empathetic, and low key compared with your average 13-year old boy.
He was diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD but the only way you see it is in his forgetfulness. He reads the Bible on his own daily. He really is a great boy.

When things have happened between my AXBF and I it was on the weekends he was at his dad's. Otherwise an argument would be kept Under Wraps. I didn't share my romantic life details with my son.

When they did spend time together before it was positive: playing video games together, building snowmen together, Etc.

When sober he really is a wonderful guy.

Those horrible things happened last October and my son is not aware that they happened.

Since then, because I had confessed to him what happened with his brother, he would a few times over the last year fall off the wagon and extremely angry make some poor choices where I was concerned.

He's worked very hard to stay sober, see a counselor, at times go to AA meetings, continue working and be helpful.

Unfortunately he has never been able to deal with the anger over what happened between his brother and I.

Sometimes I feel like if I had never told him what happened he would not have struggled with it and the hurt and anger that goes along with it this whole time.
Maybe he wouldn't have fallen off the wagon those times he did and gotten so incredibly angry had I not told him.

I felt like I wished he had told me when he was placing Those ads on Craigslist instead of shockingly finding out on my own from messages to him on my phone.
I didn't want to lie.

The doubt comes in when you look at the fact that he was staying sober and working hard to improve his life and be a good partner.

I feel like had I kept my mouth shut both to he and my ex-husband this could've actually worked.