can i ask about step 8
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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can i ask about step 8
Hi I've been up all night and getting myself really upset(yes I know it's me)I'd really like to know if it's OK to ask ah on step 8 about who he's been with during our marriage.this question is for me so I don't have to be in someone's company who may have slept with my ah.and maybe it really was just a one night stand but I'd like to know if it was just the once.?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey there.
You always have the right to question your partner about infidelities, regardless of where he is with his recovery. It sounds like you know for a fact he has been unfaithful, just not who with or how often?
His stepwork is his business, it's not a joint thing. You're not doing the steps together. He may or may not share any or all of his step work with you.
If you have decided to do the steps yourself, then this is a good question for your Al-Anon sponsor. But your step 8 work will focus on you, not your AH.
I hope that helps?
You always have the right to question your partner about infidelities, regardless of where he is with his recovery. It sounds like you know for a fact he has been unfaithful, just not who with or how often?
His stepwork is his business, it's not a joint thing. You're not doing the steps together. He may or may not share any or all of his step work with you.
If you have decided to do the steps yourself, then this is a good question for your Al-Anon sponsor. But your step 8 work will focus on you, not your AH.
I hope that helps?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Thanks sparkle
I've just been reading coco's post on guilt.I'm crippled with it but I'm taking responsibility at last for myself so I can be a better mom.ita all thanks to this site it's like a wakeup call.
I've just been reading coco's post on guilt.I'm crippled with it but I'm taking responsibility at last for myself so I can be a better mom.ita all thanks to this site it's like a wakeup call.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
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Seems best for you not to force this name or names from him. If he at sometime shares them with you -- oh well.
At most times it's best to keep the past in the past ??
Hearing about my wife's old boyfriends (even from before we met) I find not that exciting.
What's most important today is full trust and knowing that we would not go out on each other (even for a million dollars).
M-Bob
At most times it's best to keep the past in the past ??
Hearing about my wife's old boyfriends (even from before we met) I find not that exciting.
What's most important today is full trust and knowing that we would not go out on each other (even for a million dollars).
M-Bob
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Question....why do you want to know? What would you do with that info? Not suggesting you should/shouldn't get it - but I agree with the comments above that his steps are his, so that wouldn't be my legitimate reason (excuse?) to ask. We don't know your story; I am just curious as to whether it will (if you are honest) bring you peace or (more) trouble.
Taking care of yourself is a good place to start- just like the alcoholic needs to do. I am the alcoholic myself and have not gotten to Al Anon yet (I anticipate I will, as the ACOA) but I do know that the BB chapter "To The Family" has some good wisdom and direction for everyone in the alcoholic family.
I should perhaps add that it hasn't done my fiance a lot of good in making peace with his ex-wife's affairs to know who the men were. The last one is her partner now, and since they have kids there is obviously knowledge - but he has certainly had to make peace with ALL of that.
Taking care of yourself is a good place to start- just like the alcoholic needs to do. I am the alcoholic myself and have not gotten to Al Anon yet (I anticipate I will, as the ACOA) but I do know that the BB chapter "To The Family" has some good wisdom and direction for everyone in the alcoholic family.
I should perhaps add that it hasn't done my fiance a lot of good in making peace with his ex-wife's affairs to know who the men were. The last one is her partner now, and since they have kids there is obviously knowledge - but he has certainly had to make peace with ALL of that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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dawnrun....to be honest, I can identify with your curiosity. I know that if it were my own husband/boyfriend, I would be totally curious...and angry...and hurt....and my trust level would sink to the ocean floor.
And I am quite sure that I would ask....yes, I know I would!
The only thing, though....is that I know that no answer would really satisfy me....because, the trust is shattered, so I would wonder if any answer that he would give was the real/total truth.
I guess, that in reality, one really never sure if they know the whole truth. Only the guy in question really knows, for sure. I suspect, if the truth were known, there are a lot of relationships where infidelity has happened, and the partner never knows.
I do think it was cruel to tell you....except for one thing...you can now protect yourself from any STDs.
Once trust is broken...it takes a long time to rebuild....
That is just the reality of the situation....
My heart goes out to you....
And I am quite sure that I would ask....yes, I know I would!
The only thing, though....is that I know that no answer would really satisfy me....because, the trust is shattered, so I would wonder if any answer that he would give was the real/total truth.
I guess, that in reality, one really never sure if they know the whole truth. Only the guy in question really knows, for sure. I suspect, if the truth were known, there are a lot of relationships where infidelity has happened, and the partner never knows.
I do think it was cruel to tell you....except for one thing...you can now protect yourself from any STDs.
Once trust is broken...it takes a long time to rebuild....
That is just the reality of the situation....
My heart goes out to you....
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
dawnrun, there are so many things that I wonder about w/XAH--cheating doesn't happen to be one of them, but many other things over the 20 years we were together. Knowing that this man has looked me right in the eyes and claimed he was sober and going to AA over a 4-year period when he was doing neither of those things, remembering how he swore that he hadn't made the cigarette burn on my patchwork comforter and that it wasn't even a cigarette burn (nothing else looks like a cig burn, and with only the 2 of us in the house and me a non-smoker for many years, who else could it be?)--there was simply not one shred of credibility left by the end.
So even if you asked AH, would you believe him? That was finally the bitter truth that I arrived at--there was no point in asking b/c I wouldn't believe what he'd told me anyway.
ETA: dandy and I apparently were posting at the same time. I just saw this from her
and we seem to be saying the same thing, to at least some extent. Once the trust is gone, it doesn't matter what you ask b/c you don't believe the answer anyway...
So even if you asked AH, would you believe him? That was finally the bitter truth that I arrived at--there was no point in asking b/c I wouldn't believe what he'd told me anyway.
ETA: dandy and I apparently were posting at the same time. I just saw this from her
The only thing, though....is that I know that no answer would really satisfy me....because, the trust is shattered, so I would wonder if any answer that he would give was the real/total truth.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Hi Dawnrun,
In the same boat - tough situation see my recent blog "Fear of unlocking the door"
You may wish to read Daring to Trust by David Richo (Chapter 5) In the end you need to the strength, and courage to focus on you and your mindfulness and well being. This will help guide you as to what you do next.
Take care
In the same boat - tough situation see my recent blog "Fear of unlocking the door"
You may wish to read Daring to Trust by David Richo (Chapter 5) In the end you need to the strength, and courage to focus on you and your mindfulness and well being. This will help guide you as to what you do next.
Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 46
Thanks for all your replies and comments.
Well I did ask and got my answers and yes he only admits to the one night stand..thing is I wouldn't believe his radio.so although I'd had my suspicions all along about this so called friend I needed to know he wasn't still lying to me I asked her to tell me,and she called him a liar said she didn't sneak into his bed or sleep with him.. soo(cringe) I slapped her...
Well I did ask and got my answers and yes he only admits to the one night stand..thing is I wouldn't believe his radio.so although I'd had my suspicions all along about this so called friend I needed to know he wasn't still lying to me I asked her to tell me,and she called him a liar said she didn't sneak into his bed or sleep with him.. soo(cringe) I slapped her...
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Well, Dawn....as you can see, you are never going to know the truth...and the whole truth.....
When one gets to the point, in a relationship, that they are laying on hands to someone else....it is a symptom that the relationship is /has done a lot of damage....
Infidelity can raise some of our most primitive and powerful emotions....
It can raise emotions from our most primitive brains....the "hind brain" or "lizard brain".
when this happens, I think it is a big signal that one must step back...way back...and examine the situation from a point of more objectivity....step back from the fire, a bit....and focus on one's self...get more clarity...become stronger within one's self.....
More support and knowledge will help you to do this....
Alanon and your own counseling is a basic stepping stone....and....please use our large library of materials, from our stickies section....
I am going to give you a link to the part called "Classic Readings".....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
When one gets to the point, in a relationship, that they are laying on hands to someone else....it is a symptom that the relationship is /has done a lot of damage....
Infidelity can raise some of our most primitive and powerful emotions....
It can raise emotions from our most primitive brains....the "hind brain" or "lizard brain".
when this happens, I think it is a big signal that one must step back...way back...and examine the situation from a point of more objectivity....step back from the fire, a bit....and focus on one's self...get more clarity...become stronger within one's self.....
More support and knowledge will help you to do this....
Alanon and your own counseling is a basic stepping stone....and....please use our large library of materials, from our stickies section....
I am going to give you a link to the part called "Classic Readings".....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dawn.....here is where the "stickies" section is located....(Classic Readings in in the last one in that section)....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
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I've got one to one counselling sorted had one this week and 2 planned for nxt week.I know I come across bad on this site with my behavior I've never in a million years thought I'd be capable of slapping anyone,that's just not me.
I've been reading back through my posts and can see clearly how out of control my own behavior is.god I nearly told her husband!how bad is that.
I've been reading back through my posts and can see clearly how out of control my own behavior is.god I nearly told her husband!how bad is that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yeah, I know, dawn....a toxic relationship can take us to places we never intended to be.....
Take it as a painful life lesson....and, the painful lessons are the ones that we tend to not forget...lol....
Take it as a painful life lesson....and, the painful lessons are the ones that we tend to not forget...lol....
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