Sasha1972

Apparently so. It takes a picture of whoever is blowing into the tube and uses facial recognition/matching software to confirm that the person blowing is the person who is the "monitored client". From what I've been able to learn, it's next to impossible to cheat or weasel around, which is why courts use it, for family law purposes as well as monitoring for chronic DUI offenders and other people who are ordered to stay off alcohol.

hopeful4

Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves every time. I would sit down w/your child and her counselor and have said counselor reiterate why you are using Sober Link, and it's importance. And I would have her in counseling, a lot.

Keep going forward momma, you are doing a GREAT job!

theuncertainty

So sorry you're having to deal with this Sasha.

IKR? I had high hopes that the court telling AXH how the supervised visits would go (and that if all went well the supervision part could be re-evaluated) that AXH would straighten up. B/c it was no longer ME telling him what to do, but an acknowledged authority figure. (And AXH had always said _I_ was the whole problem, sooooo....) I mean, if for some reason, the court had ruled I needed to do XYZ in order to keep seeing DS, I would have been all over it. Not sitting around and not seeing DS for years because "that's not me, so I don't need to do that."

Here's hoping it's more than just a dressing down by the lawyer in your ex's case. And if that's all it is - you still got this covered. You're doing great! ((((hugs))))

Sasha1972

So - another update. I just had long session with Kid, which started as me calling her out on her rude behavior at home. It came out that she’s upset about her father’s gender transition (long backstory). This comes out as being really mad at me for knowing about it. I’m not supposed to know because “you tell everything to everybody”. She kept repeating that phrase but couldn’t give me any examples, which makes me certain it came from ex, who told her his gender stuff was a secret.

It makes no rational sense for her to be angry with me about this, but using emotional logic I’m the only person available to be angry at. This is classic addict ****** behaviour - using secrets as wedges between people - you and I know but we won’t tell Mom because we can’t trust her. It also says to Kid that Dad is the only person she can trust, stay away from Mom. Which is gaslighting Kid, telling her she can’t believe the evidence of her own experience with me, which is that I’m the one stable and predictable element in her world. Which is something addicts do all the frigging time. Once Dad starts going out in public dressed as a woman, the whole thing won’t be a secret any more, which I’m sure will lead to more stupid alcoholic drama. Kid has lots of anger, rightfully so, and it’s all coming out at me.

I can’t begin to express how much I loathe ex right now for putting Kid in this position. At the moment I really, deeply, hope he disappears forever. Kid would be better off without this manipulative garbage/drama in her life.

Sasha1972

(For anybody joining this thread for the first time, I want to clarify that the issue here isn't ex's transgender identity or desire to live as a woman. I have no problem at all with gender transition. I've known many people who have transitioned or are transitioning, and my best friend's middle child who lived as a boy for two decades, now identified as trans-feminine. It's the way his addiction is affecting this transition that upsets me, especially as it seems to involve insulting me and putting me down in front of Kid, as well as a continuation of patterns of secrecy and triangulation).

Sasha1972

Sylvie83, thanks, those are very wise words! I'm not sure I would classify ex as an abusive adult, but your description of the "fragility" and the "stuff" is pretty much dead on. I told Kid I would always be there to listen to her and that no matter how angry she was, I would always love her. She's in middle school, so at the age when all emotions are going full tilt. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not really about me, that I am the "safest" person to be express anger with. (Like you say, behavior is something different, so no door-slamming or outright rudeness is okay).

hopeful4

Sasha, it's so hard! I can only say that when my children are frustrated w/their dad, which is very often, I get the brunt at times. It hurts, but I guess I always try to look at the big picture and see that they feel safe with me, and feel they can vent to me.

It's been important for them to have therapy, but it's important for me to have it as well to help me through those things. They have come a long long ways in realizing what his behavior is, realizing it will never change, and recognizing they cannot control how he acts, only how they react. It's taken a very long road for them to get where they are, through lots of counseling.

Big hugs to you. I know I keep repeating myself, but I think you are amazing, and doing the right things!

Bekindalways

So hope we can get behind you as you are behind kid. Please vent to us!

Hangnbyathread

I have been gone on vacation so I am just now having a read here. WOWIE Sasha what a jerk. I hate to say it but TomSteve said it best when he said as an alcoholic here is how it could be manipulated. And he listed them off. It's hard for us to perceive all the ways they can be manipulative jerks because we don't process like they do.

This is why I learned to take as many steps ahead in assuming there would be trouble by trying to stay ahead of as much as you can think up. My XAGF pushed all the limits of manipulations with everyone including attorneys. I think they actually think they are somehow smarter than everyone else and assume that nobody will figure them out. IDK. But my heart goes out to you since the kids are being used as tools now.

Let the courts chew on him. They won't take the manipulations very good. The kids, are pretty smart. They may be mad at you now, but I think that will be temporary. They will eventually see whats what. Just be there for them, take the high road as much as you can and don't worry about taking aggressive steps to stay ahead of this. Its the only way I could proceed with confidence of the facts I knew, because in the end they try and make the facts as foggy as possible for everyone to follow.

I love the SoberLink technology. I hope they cook his goose for abusing it.

And P.S. Consider this my check in post. The site ask me to come back and post but I guess I don't have much to say at this juncture. So this will serve as my check in post I guess. Nothing really to post about from my side of things. Happy to help anyone I can.

Ariesagain

He's wearing makeup to mediation. Exactly how is that "keeping it a secret"?

Poor Kid. Poor you!

Sending you a hug.

Sasha1972

Thanks very much for the "permission" to use this space to vent. I have a horror of coming across as a drama queen. But I also know that one of the things that really helps me (and helps me to help Kid) is being able to write this stuff out, and get responses from other people to the effect that it's not me that's crazy, it's the situation. (And it helps to keep my sanity as a single mom to a teenage girl, which I hear can be a wild ride even under the best of circumstances, which this is not).

biminiblue

Sasha, everyone needs to let stuff out. It helps tremendously to put it out there on a forum, because it's out of your head and if people want to read it they can.

It's not drama-queen. Not by a long stretch.

I do get triggered on forums sometimes - but when I'm triggered it means there's something I haven't worked out yet.

You never know who or how you'll help by speaking your truth.

I'll send you one of Ariesagain's hugs. I'm not a hugger.

FireSprite

Let me assure you that your posts are anything but "screaming drama queen"... especially considering all the nuances you are dealing with in your particular situation.

I think you're actually handling yourself very, very well Sasha..... it's beyond obvious that DD is your #1 priority in all of this & she isn't making it easy for you.

Sasha1972

And Lululemon body-hugging yoga tops and leggings to pick up Kid. As my partner said after encountering ex, "some things cannot be unseen".

I don't think it really matters whether this gender transition is actually being kept a secret or not. The person with the rational brain would think "well, if I'm going to go for this I should put it out there openly so people have a context for my changing appearance and they aren't just wondering what's going on with me". But the addict brain thrives on secrets because the potential for enmeshment, triangulation and other forms of emotional drama is so enticing.

Ariesagain

Quite the visual! Yowza.

You are no kind of a drama queen. If I were dealing with what you are I'd be curled up under the coffee table with a gallon of ice cream and whimpering. But you keep on keeping on and good for you.

Vent away! Anything that helps!

Sasha1972

In the "more will be revealed" department:

I just found out that ex is not returning to work next month as he said he was planning to do (we work for the same organization - in different units). I don't know if he has extended his medical leave, if he's left the organization, or if something else has happened. I am not going to spend a lot of effort trying to find out. (I got a slightly TMI email from him about some medical problems earlier in the week, which might be related or might not be).

I don't know what this means, but it speaks to the instability of his life as it currently is, so I've passed the information on to my lawyer.

Bernadette

Sasha - it sounds like you're doing a great job with DD!

I remember well the anger and shame I had about my A Father, I certainly could not talk to my mom about it - no way, it was very sad. So right there your DD is ahead of the game.

Something I learned from what was missing in my childhood and have brought to my own parenting is to be sure I validate the feelings of my sons. Especially when they have come at me with intense emotions etc. If, in the angry moment, I can remember (gulp not perfect at this!!) to just take a deep breath and say something like, "Wait a minute, tell me more about this, you're really going through something that I never went through (even if it was run of the mill teenage suffering) and I really do want to hear about it..."

Usually this would disarm them and we could have a really deep, less heated conversation. I didn't have to offer advice or judgement (2 places I normally go in a SNAP!). I could just listen and by showing that interest and respect and validation it often led to them coming to some healthy conclusions all on their own.

I really admire you for protecting your daughter. I really, really do!
B

Ariesagain

Okay, is it wrong that I read "more will be revealed" and my mind immediately went to the yoga leggings and thought, "No kidding!"

Sasha1972

OH BOY ARIES DID I EVER NOT NEED THAT VISUAL!!!