Kimbrly818

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#1 (permalink)
Today 12:59 PM by Kimbrly818
I just joined. I'm not an alcoholic myself, but I was married to one for 17 years, left and moved on. I eventually met the man I'm with now. I didn't know of his addictions at the beginning, and unbeknown to me he changed them, stopped them, before I could notice. Then a few years later he got promoted, and the alcoholism part later became evident, he knows how I feel about it, the damage my children and I felt from it, so he tried to hide it. He goes back and forth from, I have a problem to I am an adult and it's my life I can what I want, it only effects "him" so why do we care so much?? Lately it's gotten even worse, he makes a point to withdraw from me more, and has no empathy for how I feel, but seems to for others in his life.. Just not me and my daughter that's still living with us.
I'm lost on what I should and can do.
He goes back and forth on wanting help, to I need to mind my own business. I've confronted him, kept quiet, dumped bottles, moved hidden bottles into the opening, offered support, offered to go to meetings with him.. Nothing has worked.
I've offered to leave, which is meet with if that's what you want to do attitude to I can't believe you're just going to walk away.. We were engaged. I'm not sure what our status really is anymore.. I tried planning our wedding throwing out ideas, to have thrown at me that I was FORCING the idea of marriage onto him.. And why can't I just be happy with how things are. In the beginning he couldn't wait.
I don't know what to do anymore.. Is there anything I can do?

Mountainmanbob

Why can you not be happy with things the way they are?

Let him know because of his alcoholism these are not happy times.

If he is not willing to go to AA and the two of you to attend counseling together might be best to put everything on hold.

M-Bob

LexieCat

Sure. You can stop wasting your life with someone who isn't a good prospect for marriage. Look, this guy doesn't even WANT to get married. Why on earth would you be planning a wedding and trying to cajole him into it? Even if, at one point, he had indicated he did want to get married, people change their minds. And he apparently prefers to drink over building a happy life with you.

I'd say it's time to build your OWN happy life.

dandylion

Kinbrly.....I am sure that you feel heartbroken, as you must have had your heart set on marriage and happiness for you and your children.....
Many of us members have been in your shoes...as you will find out from the many thousands of real life stories on this forum.....

Looks like there is an impasse....You want him to stop drinking---he doesn't want to....
We can't control what is inside of another person...no matter how badly we want to.
When it comes to alcoholism, we talk about the 3 Cs.....
You didn't Cause it; You can't Control it; and you can't Cure it.
Only the alcoholic can do that....if THEY decide to do it

We have a lot of information in the "Stickies".....here is where they are located, in the main page.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html

You can start to reading in the dozens and dozens of articles on this subject of alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...(knowledge is power).
You can find these articles in the section called "Classic Reading" (in the stickies).
this link will take you there...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

I hope that you will stick around and keep posting and reading.....
You can get through this journey....

ardy

Hi Kimmy... he has to want to stop on his own.. no one can do that for him.. and you are just treading water... babe so much love and prayers and hope that something helps you find a better tomorrow...

Kimbrly818

He has talked about going to AA.. But that's just a passing. A few times a year he mentions himself he has a problem.. About 4 months ago he mentioned maybe he needed to go to AA.. First ever.. and I offered to go with him, as moral support. I'm deaf, and told him I wouldn't ask or expect him to interpret it inform me of what's being said, if he didn't want to, I would just be there for him..
He seemed pleased with that idea.. then 2 days later came home with a bottle of vodka. 💔
He varies from drinking everyday, to waiting to binge drink on the weekends.

Kimbrly818

He just proposed last summer (2016).. At my baptism.. And refuses to change the "status" of our relationship. To him, we're still engaged.. To me.. After saying something like that, I don't understand the thinking or how we are. To me that kinda ended that. I'm not forcing it trying to talk him into marriage, I was simply doing what an engaged woman does, and looking at plans and sharing them.
We just recently moved out of state, for his job. My daughter and I quit our jobs, and after 6 months still looking. So I had the extra free time to actively plan.
I do agree he is choosing to drink rather than build our our life together, though he feels that's what he's doing.. By working.. and currently being the only one working. 😕

Mountainmanbob

That sure seems to be the message that he is sending.

I have found that when ones entering into marriage with weak signs shown such as these, the odds of a successful happy marriage are very slim. Marriage is definitely not a cure all and all signs before marriage should be good ones and even then the challenges will usually be great.

Not easy sometimes even in the most ideal conditions.

Question -- are your conditions ideal for marriage? A very serious question that should be given much thought.

M-Bob

Kimbrly818

Thank you! I will read those. I recently came to terms on the I didn't CAUSE this, I slip now and then, but I do catch myself.
Sadly, I've also had to learn to just stop trying so hard, and just focus on my own life, because it is the ONLY thing I can control!
This has lead to me having to stop telling him about any employment prospect, he used to be so supportive and encouraging, but now it's feeling like he rather me not work and tells me I'm setting my employment choices low, and I'm not thinking ambitiously enough.
I recently had an ideal interview with a company I could apply my recent degree with, which happens to be just a half mile from his office, and he's very negative about that. And was encouraging me to focus on another offer that was temporary.. 3 to 4 months, with higher pay, over a permanent position with room to grow.
I've kinda distanced myself since that conversation.

Kimbrly818

Thank you!!😊

Kimbrly818

I do feel that way too.. Especially having that thrown in my face.. Through text, while he was at work.. So not drinking.
I, personally, do not consider us engaged any longer, I don't talk about it, I don't plan for it. He on the other hand DOES.. And acts offended and upset when I question it.. I just dropped that, but still leaves me confused inside.

FireSprite

Welcome! I have to back up to this point & ask if it sounds like you're saying the entire relationship was based on a lie? That he knew from Day #1 that this would be a problem & has managed to push it off successfully for this long, so you're just catching up with what your reality has been?

You've been in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic before & ended that. What makes this situation different for you?

dandylion

Kimberly...I think it is a good sign that you are beginning to question these things...even though it is painful.....

I will say this as gently as I can....He may be doing you a big favor by dancing around the issue.....otherwise, you might have taken yourself and your daughter into a marriage disaster.....
Believe me, it is easier to end an engagement(if necessary) than a bad marriage...

I hope you stay around on this forum and continue to post and to read and to learn.....

atalose

Doesn’t it bother you that he has lied to you from the beginning? Doesn’t it bother you that the person you thought you fell in love with is really someone different an alcoholic who hid that fact from you?

You offered to leave? He’s treating you badly, he’s not seeking help, living with him is making you unhappy why would you offer to leave instead of just leaving? You don’t need his permission!! You have witnessed over the course of the last 4 months his LACK of any effort to stop drinking. It doesn’t get better from here……

I do not mean this in a mean way but your status with him is = dysfunction.

There was a really good post on FF titled…….. why-alcoholic-incapable-love. I think it will be a good read for you.

You deserve so much more then what this man will ever be able to offer you. Your daughter deserves to witness a strong mom who cares enough about herself not to just settle and especially settle for an active alcoholic.

Kimbrly818

No, I'm not saying or even thinking our relationship was based on a lie. He actively took measures on his own accord to quit any substance abuse. He wasn't really deceitful about it until after his promotion, and my daughter commented about the excessive drinking.
Why I think it's different from my ex husband... Because he's admitted he needs help. Has once broken down sharing he was broken and upset I was helping others but not him.. Something he would strongly deny in the past, but at the same time won't accept my help, nor open up about what is actually the root of his issues.
I just read that article, thank you. It did catch my attention before you mentioned it, and I went back to read it.

atalose

Except alcohol

And since admitting he needs help 4 months ago, what kind of help did he actually seek?

honeypig

Hi, Kimbrly, glad you found us here at SR. Hope you can take some time to read around the forum and check out the stickies. Also hope you look into some f2f help for yourself--Alanon and SR are a great combo for me. Just to clarify, Alanon and AA are not the same--AA is for the alcoholic, and Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking.

XAH "opened up" to me a number of times, even crying and saying "I'm a very sick person and I need help." It broke my heart, of course. But after it had happened a number of times and there was still no action on his part as far as changing things or getting the help he claimed to know he needed, it didn't affect me nearly as much.

One of the things you'll hear here again and again, b/c it is oh so true, is to ignore the words and watch the actions. Are the actions you see him taking the actions of someone who's going to be a strong and supportive partner in a healthy, equal relationship? Or is there a disconnect between what he says and what he actually does?

Another thing you'll hear often at SR is this: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. What you see is what you are going to get. Promises and potential are NOT reality. What you see right now, right here, is the best it will ever be. Alcoholism is progressive, and things will only go downhill, sad to say.

Wishing you the strength to keep digging deeper and the clarity to understand what you find.

dandylion

Kinbrly.....to answer your original question....No, there isn't anything you can do..
About the alcoholism---the "doing" is up to him....
He is way off base to think you should be helping him....
That is putting way too much responsibility on to your shoulders....
That is what AA and counselors and sponsors are for....
Just admitting to a "problem" is not the same as doing the work that is needed to address it...
I think that sometimes, the alcoholic finds out the magic words---"I have a problem" are just the thing that keeps us hanging on to hope....so, they use them to keep us from leaving them and putting up with their various crap....

You might find the following article helpful, along these lines
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html

Kimbrly818

It is a very painful process. I'm not making light of it, and I still love him deeply, and want to help. I know I can't personally help him. I know I can't change this.
Having moved to a new state, and feeling very at home here, moving into a house recently, not having gained employment yet, and my car in his name, and him paying for the car.. Leaves me a bit stranded.
I am working on changing that, and stated I would make the payments on the car, which he flat out refused.. So that'll leave me without a car as well, we sold our cars.. My daughter and I before moving here, because she didn't feel comfortable driving mine, and hers wouldn't have made it and we couldn't drive three cars and a moving truck.
I don't regret moving here, I love it here much more than up north. I'm not a clingy a person, and if it's over I have no problem leaving. I promise I'm not making excuses not asking him for permission to move on with my life. I'm just trying to save our relationship, and be someone that doesn't just walk away, like everyone else in his life has.

Kimbrly818

I wasn't drinking for the first 2 and a half years at all. I realize that it was all talk.. he's gotten no help, fell back onto the, "I can manage it and I don't have a problem, you're making this more than it is."
I am trying not to be judgemental and trying to find a way to support him.