aliciagr

Thanks Dandy. I still suffer from tinges of shame. I dont think its isolated to the sexual abuse but to the overall situation, and mistakes i made, things I woulda coulda done better. I did therapy before we moved and it helped me a lot. I got to the point where I was ready to tell my family about all of it. That was a huge hurdle for me and it set me free and gave me a degree of healing when there was no judgement from them. But I think its something I will have to deal with for a while especially until my life becomes more settled and routine again? I hope at least. Everyone says it just takes time.

hopeful4

My XAH is a narcissist, alcoholic, bad person. I don't engage w/him anymore in his tangents, and I don't need affirmation that I am a good person, a good mom, or anything else from him. However, I still talk to him respectfully when I speak to him, I take the high road so to speak. That stinks sometimes, but in the end, I think counseling has made me look at myself long and hard, and strive to be the person I want to be. I also think my children see me model this behavior, and I have noticed when they have conflict in their own lives that they are more calm and articulate about expressing their beliefs and thoughts, and just handle conflict in a more positive manner.

I would like to think some of that is because of how I am raising them and modeling good behaviors for them. It is also because they are in counseling themselves, which is good for them. Even though my counselor is a Christian counselor, he is also educated with all the degrees in place. It's a nice mix for me because we have the same moral and belief foundations in place, so I think it's been a bit easier to bond with him.

This is a thought provoking thread, thank you all for sharing.

aliciagr

I think you have a great outlook. Yes thats the same thing that counseling has done for me and I question my own values, beliefs, how I cope with things, and I want to be the person I like and respect. I am for the most part, but hey there is always room for improvement and I shocked myself somewhat in dealing with this situation. Didnt like some of what I saw in myself. I dont think our Christian marriage counselor has a ton of professional credentials but boy does he make me think about things. I feel that same connection because we share the same principles or foundation. And he is so nice, supportive. But he can be really firm when he wants to get his point across. Its funny.

Seren

I think my stepson says things to purposefully annoy and anger others for two reasons. 1) Take the attention away from his drinking/using; and 2) Try to make others feel as bad about themselves as he does about himself.

He doesn't know me well at all, and to hurt and annoy his father (my late husband) and me, he would call me either the 'naive s***-kicker' or the 'gold-digging trophy wife'. Purely out of spite. Purely to get a reaction out of us so that his addiction would not be the center of attention. Unfortunately for him, we always knew that his words were a direct result of his addiction.

I guess he felt he was leveling the playing field in a way?

dandylion

Alicia.....how are you doing??

darkling

Thank you for that thought! It makes alot of sense to me - and possibly explains a few things.