camelmia

Relationships are hard. They are extremely hard when you are in college and your partner is a recovering addict. This leads to breaking up... twice... and going separate ways.

I thought I was disattached from my former partner, and in a new, healthy, long term relationship. But then I am told that my former partner has relapsed. I break down and feel an over whelming amount of emotions.

I'm mad at my family members for not telling me immediately. I'm mad at my self for hating my former partner for the last 6 months and causing him pain before. I hate the girl he was with, who relapsed with him. But I cannot be mad at him at all.

Instead, I'm in tears wishing I would of seen the key signs. I wish I would of reached out. I'm crying, because I still care, I still love him.

My new partner does not understand how anyone could love an addict. He does not understand how I could possibly feel this allotment of emotions.

Do I wait and see if my past partner reaches out once he is out of rehab? Do I reach out? Do I just move on and forget about him? As soon as I thought life was getting better, I am dragged back into the past.

LeeJane

Sorry you are feeling this way. I relate to what you say, in my experience when my mind and body are telling me to rush in and "help", I need to do just the opposite. I need to keep my focus on myself and working my Al- anon program.

CelticZebra

I agree here that the counter-intuitive action is the way to go.
A reaction to this news is causing a problem for you.
Working on yourself and learning to let go of the past is a much better friend than the possibilities.

Seren

I am sorry for what you are going through--such an extreme reaction to this news. There is always a risk of relapse when someone is in recovery. It is always sad when it happens.

As angry as you may be, it is not his gf's fault that he relapsed (nor is it his that she relapsed). They each made their own decision to use again.

I am worried that your reaction to this news about an ex is so all-consuming for you and that you seem to have begun to have these visions in your head about being his 'rescuing angel' to make it all better.

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that if you threw away your current relationship and ran to him that he would welcome you with open arms. He used while he was with you, is that correct? So how do you believe any relationship with him would be any different this time?

Sometimes, just letting myself sit with really uncomfortable emotions teaches me things about myself--things I really need to learn about things I need to change in myself. I hope this may become one of those opportunities for you. I truly wish you peace and happiness as you work through this. I am sorry for your pain.

Eauchiche

One thing I read about programs for us Codies:

They help us to overcome having a problem with his drinking/using.

I try to imagine a big electrical button on myself that others used to push, giving them total control over my emotions. Little by little, the wiring to that switch is being disconnected.

dandylion

camelmia.....One time, I went through a breakup that was so painful that I can't properly describe it in just words....
Full blown mourning......
It was at the one year mark that I was able to remember and not become discombobulated, inside....( I even saw him (spoke to him) briefly, around that time.....and I was stunned that I was able to say to him...."I was in love with you...and, I still care about you....but, I no longer feel romantically about you, any more).....
If I had not gone through a year of intense grief...and examining myself and that relationship, I don't think I could have, remotely, done that.....

You do have to put in the time to process the grieving and come to terms with the past relationship (and yourself), before diving into a new relationship....time takes time, and grieving takes it's own time...you can't rush it....

It might help if you understand, as Seren said....that you can't help him with his recovery. He doesn't need that...because it is all about what is inside of him, and, you don't have control over that....his condition is entirely separate from you....

Seren makes a good point about that....he used when he was with you, didn't he?
If you need "permission" to move on with your life....lol...you have mine!

LexieCat

First of all, nothing you did/didn't do/could have done had anything to do with his alcoholism or relapse. You are simply not part of the equation.

Second, how would you feel if (assuming this relapse never happened or you'd never heard about it), your new partner suddenly was obsessing about some former girlfriend who was an addict and had treated him badly? If you were suddenly second in his thoughts to this person who supposedly wasn't even part of his life anymore? Wouldn't you feel rejected and betrayed?

The relationship was in the past--let it stay there. There is plenty of help available for him if he wants it. There is nothing you could "do for him" to help him if you were with him.

Berrybean

And what about your new partner? How are you showing them love and loyalty at the moment? You are not being dragged back into the past, you're going there all on your own. The question to ask is why you want to go there - what do you get out of that relationship? Why would a relationship with an alcoholic that never worked out before be more attractive to you than a new, healthy, long-term relationship?

Is there a possibility that the drama of this past entanglement might be a lure?

It is probably worth making a decision fairly quickly though as your behaviour at the moment it likely to be hurting your current partner, and he probably deserves better. Yes, you probably spoke to him about him under the guise of 'being honest' - but this kind of honesty is actually self-seeking and does not come from a place of care or concern.

It's also worth remembering that as you have spent a while 'hating' your ex, your current partner has probably heard fairly damning reports of him (from you). If this is the case it will only be adding to his confusion.

You do not have an emotional responsibility to your ex. But you do towards your current partner. Whatever you decide to do I hope you will consider how best to do it that it causes the least pain possible to others caught in the backlash of this renewed interest in your ex.

Perhaps it's time to stop crying and raging and think how best to proceed with love and concern for those who DO deserve it.

BB

AnvilheadII

he's your ex. he relapsed and had no one told you, it would not be this "sudden" emergency.....on your part.

i feel for your new bf. this is totally unfair to him, for you to be so emotional about an ex.

relapses happen. hopefully he'll get back on track. but that is HIS journey. you are not responsible for him.

anodes7102

Hi Camelmia,

Continuing to feel affection towards an addict even after the relationship has ended or is ending is not unusual, particularly if you have spend considerable time as a codependent or enabler (knowing or unkowingly). At the end of the day we want the addict to get better but sometimes this can't or won't happen and even if it does we may not be part of their journey in the future. I think we all need time to grieve the loss of a relationship, time to regroup ourselves and focus on our own journey. This is probable particularly difficult for you at the moment, but you can't save someone else....Be kind to yourself, save the good memories of the past but you have a wonderful life ahead that should be unencumbered but the pain/difficulties of the past

Take care