Breeks

This is a hard one for me to write. I'm an older guy with two young children ( 3 and 5 ) who I had with a woman I met about 6 years ago. It's become apparent to me over the last 3 years or so that she hides her drinking from me. It's a struggle for her to go a night without a 'few glasses of wine" after the kids go to bed - how much she takes is a bit of a mystery as she insists on pouring for herself in a different room. Then there's the various secret stashes I find ( tins of Gin, bottles of wine etc ) that are obviously there to act as a top up, or a hit on those nights she can be persuaded not to have a drink.

She's on anti-depressants also and Ive tried to hint that drinking vs medication is a bit of a self defeating approach, but it doesn't make any difference. She insists that she can't relax or get to sleep without a drink and those nights when she appears to be off it she's irritable and hard to be around. She's got a reasonable sweet spot when she's drinking where she's good company, but hits a point where she's swaying and slurring and can be quite antagonistic towards me. Given the secrecy I'm not sure what that sweet spot is.

She wants to get married, I've said to myself that I will not marry her as I don't want to be legally tied to someone who has this problem. It's hard enough to fathom a route forward with two kids and a joint mortgage without the legalities of a marriage certificate hanging over me too.

I want her to be happy and I want the relationship to work out for the kids and for both of us also. On the other hand the deception and the unpredictable behaviour makes me angry and tense a lot of the time and we suffer as a result as I have simmering resentment and can't bear to look at her sometimes and I struggle to be civil. This passes though and I convince myself that the problem will resolve itself when the kids get older and it's a harder habit to hide from older children so she'll have to change. She is a good mother, I can never deny that and from my point of view I think ( hope ) that her responsibilities will overcome the desire to drink as they become more aware. She rarely drinks or gets drunk in front of the kids.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want my family to work, I want my partner to become more healthy and less reliant on alcohol. On the other hand I hate myself for compromising so much, biting my tongue and maybe just being stupid thinking it'll all work out in the end. I don't want to start dropping ultimatums as it'll doubtless wind up driving a wedge between us. Not sure where to go next, if I make my feelings clear it will be seen as an "attack" but on the other hand I'm struggling to keep my frustrations in check and I question the future all the time.

Thanks for reading......

BlownOne

This passes though and I convince myself that the problem will resolve itself when the kids get older and it's a harder habit to hide from older children so she'll have to change

This generally isn't the case when it comes to alcoholism. More often than not, it only progresses and doesn't resolve itself on its own. Usually it gets worse as it gets harder and harder for the alcoholic to function without more and more alcohol. You're very right in being wary of marrying her. Read around on this site a bit. You'll find a lot of useful information.

stargazer016

She will get to the point where drinking will come before the kids. I know I did. No one can force an alcoholic to change but themselves.

My heart goes out to you Breeks.

maia1234

Breeks,
Welcome, and glad you found us. I agree with the other posters, this is a progressive disease, if you can believe it, it will get worse. I understand your concern about not getting married. I think the majority of the spouses of addicts on this forum would not have married their addict, if they knew the severity of this horrendous disease.

Have you looked into any alanon or open AA meetings or an addiction therapist. They were a huge support for me while I was going through my issues with AXH. (alcoholic ex-husband). Once we realize that we can not help our addict, we learn that there is a lot of "help" for us codies. We learn how to deal with an active addict in our home. We learn how to protect our children at all costs regarding drinking and driving with them in the car.

Stick around, read the stickies at the top of the page. You will realize that your partner is no special snow flake. She wants to drink in peace, like every alcoholic, and not have anyone bother her with their "suggestions. "

You sound like an amazing Dad. Your number one priority is protecting those children. They are little and can't speak for themselves, but life growing up in an alcoholic home is not pretty. Hugs my friend, we all "get" it on this forum.

tomsteve

glad ya found us, breeks. youve found a place with people that have been in your shoes.
i narrowed your post down to this because something caught my attention:
I want her to be happy
I want the relationship to work out
I want my family to work, I want my partner to become more healthy
yet about yourself:
"On the other hand I hate myself"
seems ya may have lost yourself? putting her happyness ahead of your own?
one thing with alcoholics:
an alcoholic can stop drinking, but that doesnt mean everything will be sunshine,unicorns, and roses.
with alcoholics, alcohol isnt the problem, but the solution. alcohol is only a symptom of much deeper problems- problems that have to be addressed after stopping drinking.
and solutions wont occur unless the alcoholic themselves WANTS to stop drinking and get help.
ive been given ultimatums. stopped drinking.
until the heat was off. and quite often i didnt even stop drinking. just worked harder at hiding it and even switched to smoking pot.

"maybe just being stupid thinking it'll all work out in the end."
you are NOT being stupid. you are NOT stupid. period.
delusional? yeah,possibly. but NOT stupid.

yup, an alcoholic will feel attacked and in most instances, it doesnt matter how soft the message is given.
however, not addressing the elephant in the house can cause the elephant to grow bigger than the house.

youre gonna get some great suggestions to go from this point.
there IS a solution. please know, though, that the solutions will be for you and your chitlins.

one more thing:
"This passes though and I convince myself that the problem will resolve itself when the kids get older and it's a harder habit to hide from older children so she'll have to change."

typically, with an alcoholic the problem usually resolves itself with more alcohol.
because thats how alcoholics can think.
my own progression deeper into alcoholism was quite horrible for anyone around me.

tomsteve

p.s.
that functioning alcoholic thing?
removing the outward physical functioning and looking at the internal, mental functioning and its probably not very high functioning.

honeypig

Welcome to SR--glad you found us here, although I'm sorry that you have a need to go looking....

Reading around the F&F section here as much as you can, as well as checking out the "stickies" at the top of the page, will give you a good overview of alcoholism and life w/an alcoholic. Alanon can be a great in-person resource, too. As one of our members here likes to say, "Knowledge is power!" It's so true--when I was in my own little tiny world w/XAH, everything was an n of 1. I had no way to reality check what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, being told. I felt alone, scared, and constantly off balance and confused.

Once I got started in SR and Alanon, I began to see the patterns of behavior that A's seem to share. I felt a lot less crazy and alone. Then I began to see the patterns of behavior that I shared w/other spouses/partners/etc. of A's. Now that was truly eye-opening!

To me, the strength of SR is the tremendous diversity of our members. Sometimes folks come in w/blinders on and only ever read/post in their own thread--they are missing the biggest part of the benefits to be gained here. So again, I will urge you to read widely and to post in other people's threads.

Hope to hear more from you in the days to come!

Breeks

Thanks all for taking the time out to respond.

I will spend time trawling the forum, as some of you have said it's good to baseline things and get an appreciation that I'm not being unreasonable in my feelings and thoughts. I do wonder about my partner....I've not perceived her drinking to have gotten worse over the last 3 years but the pattern seems unbroken and the need to hide drinking from me is the biggest worry ( and most upsetting thing for me ). I know where some of the stashes are, and when she's careless and leaves something lying out I make it obvious by placing it in clear view that I've seen it. It's never mentioned or discussed though....

I know she can kick the habit, she did so when she was pregnant with both our children, so the willpower is there. I just don't understand why she can't moderate things now.

Things have come to head for me recently when a dear old friend of mine was admitted to hospital, a wasted husk, because he has psyrosis of the liver. He was a habitual nightly drinker who went off the rails when he retired early and his kids left home. He filled his spare time drinking of an evening ( for 25 years ) and has basically killed himself as a result. I look at my partner and think, you're working and the kids are at home and this is how you are.....I fear for the future :-(

tomsteve

there could be the possibility that she had the willpower then, but lost that. its part of the progression. idk,though. i hope she didnt.
but even if she did, theres a solution if SHE wants it.
its common for alcoholics to stop drinking for something important like pregnancy.
then pick back up after.

hopeful4

As this progresses, and it will, please make sure you are doing everything you need to do to protect the children. Having children with an alcoholic is the most heartbreaking thing ever.

So sorry. Please do read, educate yourself as much as possible, and make sure you have a good support system for YOU.

SaveHer

I was in a relationship with an A for ten years, and the smartest decision I ever made during that time was to not get married.

We have a daughter together now, only four months old, and while it's heartbreaking to break up her family so soon after she's born, I can't imagine exposing her to his alcoholism and the unsafe environment it creates.

I'm sure you're not quite ready to make any big decisions at this point, and I'm sure this is all very new and very scary for you. Just keep posting!

Spinner-007

I have 4 kids with my AW and I would give anything not to give them the crap life of having a mother who's an addict.

Yes, she has and will put her drug of choice before her kids. She has no control while she's using and her fix is more important than the well-being of her kids and loved ones.

It's what addicts do.

As for you:
it's a life full of lies, insanity, abuse and hell. EVERYBODY who's ever been married to an addict will tell you the same thing. Now, does THAT sound like a door you want to walk through?

You get no prizes, attaboys or love for trying a life with an active addict, just scars and an attitude to respond to other's posts at 3am in the morning on whether they should marry an active addict.

As for love:
it really isn't there. She can not possibly love you because she can't love herself or the children. So where do you really want to be in all this, especially with the little ones?

There's a really good sticky called 'What Addicts Do'. Read it, memorize it, and repeat as often as necessary.

Just letting you in all the fun I've lived with for years...

I hope you make the right decision for yourself and the children.

PEACE!

Maudcat

Hi, Breeks.
Welcome.
Assume you have talked to your partner, expressed your worry about her drinking?
You are right. Alcohol and anti depressants is not a great combination.
First off, I wouldn't consider marriage while she is actively drinking.
And, if you haven't, I would tell her why marriage is off the table.
Get ready for pushback on that.
I would also tell her, if you haven't, exactly what you stated in your post: "i want her to be happy. i want the relationship to work out. I want a healthy partner."
These are totally reasonable wants.
I, too, recommend Al-Anon or some other form of support, maybe addiction counseling.
The worst part about a situation like yours is the aloneness of it.
Good luck.

Sasha1972

I think your hopes for the future are healthy and valid (a healthy partner, a happy family). Unfortunately, it sounds like they are not going to happen, at least not at this point in time. Do you feel like you can validate your own hopes, that you're entitled to aspire to this state, while accepting that you may not get there with your current partner?

Marriage could bring all kinds of financial complications, so I would say be very cautious on that. I am VERY glad I divorced my ex when I did. He left the marriage with more wealth than I did (thanks to an inheritance) but has since ruined his own credit and that of his second ex-wife, and they're trying to settle who is responsible for over $100K in credit card debt, much of which she says she didn't know about until after they separated. So I don't see any positive to getting married as things are now, and I see a lot of negatives.