Emotional Invalidation
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Emotional Invalidation
I've been subject to emotional invalidation from my parents all my life, and all too often in my marriage.
Progress in finally recognizing it's a big problem in my life and it has a name.
Progress in finally recognizing it's a big problem in my life and it has a name.
Abuse
All too often parents and caretakers don't teach children one of the most critical lessons of life, and that is how to regulate their emotions in a healthy way. Instead, too many caretakers make it clear that they are to be obeyed, no questions asked without taking into consideration any of the child's needs or preferences.1
Children's perceptions, values, and belief systems are invalidated so much that they become to believe that they are not valid human beings and therefore, don't learn how to best take care of themselves in a way they need and understand.
Let's contrast the difference between allowing a child to identify and manage their own needs versus invalidating the child. First, I'll give a statement or behavior a child might make followed by a healthy response and then an unhealthy one.
A child cries. A healthy response would be to try and find out what is wrong and soothe the child. Instead, they hear, "Would you just shut up or I'll give you something to cry about!"
A child says, "I hate it when you do that." A healthy response would be the caretaker would not take that angry remark personally, but would allow the child to express their anger, to explain exactly what they didn't like, and to respond in a way that says talking about it is fine. "Let's see what we can do about it. Instead of: "Oh, for Pete's sake, you're so stupid. Just forget about it."
When a child says, "I worked really hard on this." A healthy response would be to congratulate them and say something like, "I can tell you put a lot of work into this." Instead of: "No, you didn't. You can do better than that. Go back and do it again."
When children get this type of invalidating feedback all the time, it contributes to them not being able to accurately label their own feelings, they can't trust their own thought processes or make valid interpretations about what is happening around them or to them. It becomes the ultimate emotional betrayal because as they get older, they no longer have to wait for others to invalidate them, they've learned to invalidate themselves.
https://www.edcinstitute.org/library...-of-abuse.html
All too often parents and caretakers don't teach children one of the most critical lessons of life, and that is how to regulate their emotions in a healthy way. Instead, too many caretakers make it clear that they are to be obeyed, no questions asked without taking into consideration any of the child's needs or preferences.1
Children's perceptions, values, and belief systems are invalidated so much that they become to believe that they are not valid human beings and therefore, don't learn how to best take care of themselves in a way they need and understand.
Let's contrast the difference between allowing a child to identify and manage their own needs versus invalidating the child. First, I'll give a statement or behavior a child might make followed by a healthy response and then an unhealthy one.
A child cries. A healthy response would be to try and find out what is wrong and soothe the child. Instead, they hear, "Would you just shut up or I'll give you something to cry about!"
A child says, "I hate it when you do that." A healthy response would be the caretaker would not take that angry remark personally, but would allow the child to express their anger, to explain exactly what they didn't like, and to respond in a way that says talking about it is fine. "Let's see what we can do about it. Instead of: "Oh, for Pete's sake, you're so stupid. Just forget about it."
When a child says, "I worked really hard on this." A healthy response would be to congratulate them and say something like, "I can tell you put a lot of work into this." Instead of: "No, you didn't. You can do better than that. Go back and do it again."
When children get this type of invalidating feedback all the time, it contributes to them not being able to accurately label their own feelings, they can't trust their own thought processes or make valid interpretations about what is happening around them or to them. It becomes the ultimate emotional betrayal because as they get older, they no longer have to wait for others to invalidate them, they've learned to invalidate themselves.
https://www.edcinstitute.org/library...-of-abuse.html
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Absolutely. This was huge when I realized this.
I believe this is the #1 reason behind adult codependency and probably behind a lot of addiction as well.
Complete inability to recognize internal wisdom/emotion and constant searching for external validation from people who cannot or will not give it.
I believe this is the #1 reason behind adult codependency and probably behind a lot of addiction as well.
Complete inability to recognize internal wisdom/emotion and constant searching for external validation from people who cannot or will not give it.
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