Choice?
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Originally Posted by Seren 
Although I am not a member of either program, I think I can speak somewhat to this. Over the years of my membership here, I have learned that there are 'oldtimers' in AA who think that AA is the only way. That it is the only cure for alcoholism and that your entire life has to be given over to the program in order to obtain and maintain sobriety. They intone words of doom and gloom to drive home their point.
My understanding from the majority of members here who use AA is that that attitude is *not* one of the tenets of AA. The paragraph that Anvil shared above is the first time I have read that--and it is from the Big Book of AA. It seems to indicate that there is more to recovery than just stopping drinking--that it is also learning to deal with life on life's terms and getting back to living one's life. It also seems to suggest that AA does not work for everyone.
I guess AA, as tomsteve shared, considers addiction a spiritual malady. This, for an atheist, is problematic. That is why there are other paths that can be taken to recovery. There are even non-spiritual programs for friends and family members through SMART, or even through a program called CRAFT.
We aren't all special snowflakes, but we can find what works for each of us!
My understanding from the majority of members here who use AA is that that attitude is *not* one of the tenets of AA. The paragraph that Anvil shared above is the first time I have read that--and it is from the Big Book of AA. It seems to indicate that there is more to recovery than just stopping drinking--that it is also learning to deal with life on life's terms and getting back to living one's life. It also seems to suggest that AA does not work for everyone.
I guess AA, as tomsteve shared, considers addiction a spiritual malady. This, for an atheist, is problematic. That is why there are other paths that can be taken to recovery. There are even non-spiritual programs for friends and family members through SMART, or even through a program called CRAFT.
We aren't all special snowflakes, but we can find what works for each of us!
Throughout my husbands life, his pattern has been sporadic. Long stretches of non reliance/non use, responsible living, and being a man I respect and love being married to.
Last year was not one of those times. His use was very heavy and his behaviors got very bad. I stayed with him during a period of time where I should not have done so, as he was completely unstable and unpredictable. I didnt stay because I felt I could help fix him or any such thing. My thinking was that he would snap out of it, correct himself, make the choice to stop and do so. I felt he had that ability even during a time of chaos.
As a family member, when I speak of choice.
Did he have the choice to stop on is own? He just didnt want to?
Or did he only have the choice to admit he couldnt stop on his own?
Or was he even able to realize the problem/make the decision to seek help?
Then of course as a family member the next concern is does my husband have the choice to maintain sobriety long term?
He can choose not to use again and do so with no outside help?
Or he decides this isnt something he can do. picks what assistance he feels is needed -either in the form of temporary or permanent aid, and chooses to utilize these resources ?
When you say "choice" this is what I think of. It may not be what YOU were thinking, or what anyone else contemplates.
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My parent has Alzheimers, and I find this offensive. He HATES having it, and if there were anything in the world he could do to make it even a little bit better, he would do it. He did not do anything to make it worse. He did not take any substances, he did not drink. He does not lie that he has it. He does not resist treatment.
It is pure luck of the draw that he has it, because it is a disease.
It is pure luck of the draw that he has it, because it is a disease.
Originally Posted by seek
This has been a fantastic thread. I wanted to add a half-baked thought I had last night, in an effort to introduce an idea that "co-dependency" might be a little misunderstood (there are a whole body of scholarly articles on "co-dependency" as a pathological concept . . . sorry I don't have time to link, but if interested, they are easy to find.
The half-baked premise I am going to propose was created from a conglomerate of ideas - first, if you have studied Attachment Theory in psychology, you know that "Secure Attachment" is a positive thing and lack of secure attachment leads to different personality issues (again, not going into detail, but some people become avoidant, and have intimacy issues, etc.) . . . Then there is "Attachment Parenting," - a school of thought that takes Attachment Theory to a new level by introducing WAYS to increase attachment (such as Co-Sleeping/The Family Bed, etc.) . . . the bottom line is that Secure Attachment is valued as key to human potential/health.
Then all of a sudden, in the 70's or 80's I believe (???) the idea of "Co-dependency" took root in the addiction community - not sure if it was an off-shoot of John Bradshaw's work, or Pia Mellody's work, or other . . . Again, I apologize for the sloppiness of presenting these ideas, but I am just trying to give general background info . . .
Prior to that, in AA (in the 30's), the idea of "The Wife" as complicit in alcoholism took root . . . I think there's a chapter in the Big Book devoted to this idea . . . (and there are problems with this idea that have to do with sexism).
Fast forward to now and my half-baked theory: I managed my elderly mother's care for some 11 years, during which time she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Her behavior was fairly benign, until the last few years, when she became aggressive (threw her food on the floor, swore at caregivers, had fits, basically) . . . during this time, she was put on anti-psychotic drugs, and anti-anxiety drugs which truly modified her behavior so that people COULD take care of her - left to her own devices, no one would have been able to take care of her - she acted out continuously and it was "CRAZYMAKING" . . .
To add another perspective that someone else brought up on this thread - there are people now diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) . . . this explains a person who is "very difficult," to say the least. The prior poster suggested that alcoholism might have more in common with ODD than a "disease." I agree with this premise.
The alcoholic I am dealing with ACTS OUT, is irrational, and very difficult. Having any kind of relationship with this person would be the same degree of insanity as having a relationship with my unmedicated mother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. No one would expect anyone to be able to live with an acting out Alzheimer's patient (though people do, and I honestly don't know how they do it). In the end, my mom had to go into Memory Care, where a team of people managed her and she was heavily medicated (not into zombie state, thankfully, but medicated, just the same).
I am suggesting that SOME alcoholics, are like Alzheimer's patients - their behavior is OUTRAGEOUS, irrational, and dangerous. To paint family members as "sick" for trying to deal with them, I believe, is pathologizing otherwise psychologically healthy family members - and yes, living with such craziness will make you crazy but it's not because you're "enabling" or "co-dependent" - remember attachment is a desired state and as human beings we attach to people we love - so it's not sick to be completely upset when someone you love becomes alcoholic and starts living in ways that do not promote health and well-being - ways of life that are completely dysfunctional and irrational.
What do you do at that point if you love someone who has "gone crazy" (just like if you love someone who has Alzheimer's)?
Just suggesting that pathologizing the healthy people and saying they are responsible for the alcoholic/addict or are "complicit" in the alcoholic/addict's "disease" is not helpful.
I do understand that some people like to label themselves as "co-dependent" or "codie" and that 12 step works for them - but there are others of us who don't buy into that model, and if you research scholarly articles, you can learn more about why that is the case. Just wanted to put that opinion out there.
The half-baked premise I am going to propose was created from a conglomerate of ideas - first, if you have studied Attachment Theory in psychology, you know that "Secure Attachment" is a positive thing and lack of secure attachment leads to different personality issues (again, not going into detail, but some people become avoidant, and have intimacy issues, etc.) . . . Then there is "Attachment Parenting," - a school of thought that takes Attachment Theory to a new level by introducing WAYS to increase attachment (such as Co-Sleeping/The Family Bed, etc.) . . . the bottom line is that Secure Attachment is valued as key to human potential/health.
Then all of a sudden, in the 70's or 80's I believe (???) the idea of "Co-dependency" took root in the addiction community - not sure if it was an off-shoot of John Bradshaw's work, or Pia Mellody's work, or other . . . Again, I apologize for the sloppiness of presenting these ideas, but I am just trying to give general background info . . .
Prior to that, in AA (in the 30's), the idea of "The Wife" as complicit in alcoholism took root . . . I think there's a chapter in the Big Book devoted to this idea . . . (and there are problems with this idea that have to do with sexism).
Fast forward to now and my half-baked theory: I managed my elderly mother's care for some 11 years, during which time she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Her behavior was fairly benign, until the last few years, when she became aggressive (threw her food on the floor, swore at caregivers, had fits, basically) . . . during this time, she was put on anti-psychotic drugs, and anti-anxiety drugs which truly modified her behavior so that people COULD take care of her - left to her own devices, no one would have been able to take care of her - she acted out continuously and it was "CRAZYMAKING" . . .
To add another perspective that someone else brought up on this thread - there are people now diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) . . . this explains a person who is "very difficult," to say the least. The prior poster suggested that alcoholism might have more in common with ODD than a "disease." I agree with this premise.
The alcoholic I am dealing with ACTS OUT, is irrational, and very difficult. Having any kind of relationship with this person would be the same degree of insanity as having a relationship with my unmedicated mother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. No one would expect anyone to be able to live with an acting out Alzheimer's patient (though people do, and I honestly don't know how they do it). In the end, my mom had to go into Memory Care, where a team of people managed her and she was heavily medicated (not into zombie state, thankfully, but medicated, just the same).
I am suggesting that SOME alcoholics, are like Alzheimer's patients - their behavior is OUTRAGEOUS, irrational, and dangerous. To paint family members as "sick" for trying to deal with them, I believe, is pathologizing otherwise psychologically healthy family members - and yes, living with such craziness will make you crazy but it's not because you're "enabling" or "co-dependent" - remember attachment is a desired state and as human beings we attach to people we love - so it's not sick to be completely upset when someone you love becomes alcoholic and starts living in ways that do not promote health and well-being - ways of life that are completely dysfunctional and irrational.
What do you do at that point if you love someone who has "gone crazy" (just like if you love someone who has Alzheimer's)?
Just suggesting that pathologizing the healthy people and saying they are responsible for the alcoholic/addict or are "complicit" in the alcoholic/addict's "disease" is not helpful.
I do understand that some people like to label themselves as "co-dependent" or "codie" and that 12 step works for them - but there are others of us who don't buy into that model, and if you research scholarly articles, you can learn more about why that is the case. Just wanted to put that opinion out there.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
An active alcoholic is incapable of love.....you are projecting feelings that don't exist. I see so many posts of people shocked when they leave an alcoholic, who quickly finds someone else. Alcoholics look for enablers and quickly replace one for another.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
I hear this often on the forum, and I was wondering where this premise comes from? I dont think its possible for one to know what all other people are capable of even if in active addiction. There are also varying degrees, categories of substance abuse disorder. But I hear it often and maybe its from the AA program/step work?
My resulting opinion on the issue is that both sides have different Definitions of Love....so we can talk about it all day long & debate the validity of feelings on both sides but when the fundamental intention behind the Action of Love is misunderstood, all the love in the world can't reach the person it's intended for. (don't forget that love IS an action, not some latent emotion that resides in every heart - love is not a given.)
So when I acted "with love" toward my husband while he was burying himself emotionally in alcohol, he didn't see/hear it as Love - he heard nagging, accountability, reprimanding & condescension - whether I intended it or not. I could never control the way he CHOSE to receive the actions I was sharing & over time I lost the desire to soften the rough edges of my delivery & my own representation of Love dissolved as well. (& started to include things like Control)
To the original question I DO personally think that there is a fair amount of choice involved for any addict - speaking as an ACoA & recovering from my own eating disorder issues (I really resonated with LifeRecovery's share in this thread).
For me the "choice" is more about deciding to continue to stuff & bury emotions than it is about the actions dedicated to feeding the physical addiction. I think when a person finally makes the decision to stop hiding inside of themselves emotionally they create enough discomfort to start to deal with the physical realities of quitting their DOC..... & while those daily decisions to not pick up again seem to be the most difficult thing in the world, they are really tempered in comparison to the beast inside that is waking for the first time in years/decades/whatever. The physical symptoms WILL pass but the emotional ones will always hold triggers & land mines for us to work through randomly throughout our lives.
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Hopeful4 - don't know why you would find my experiences and opinions offensive - has nothing to do with you. I spoke of MY mother and what it was like managing her care - it was no picnic - said nothing about anyone else's relatives or experiences - if yours is not difficult, you are lucky.
The comparison I made was with an out-of-control alcoholic and someone with Alzheimer's - you love them AND it is very difficult to be around them - that was the premise.
I am offended at your offendedness (just kidding, but it is kind of ridiculous).
The comparison I made was with an out-of-control alcoholic and someone with Alzheimer's - you love them AND it is very difficult to be around them - that was the premise.
I am offended at your offendedness (just kidding, but it is kind of ridiculous).
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dandylion: Thank you. My mom was a difficult person all of her life, but I did everything in my power to make her life good and comfortable for 11 years and I am proud that I was ABLE to do it, because it was not easy. I was lucky in that I was able to hire people to actually take care of her - I didn't have to do the day-to-day personal care - but I was often exasperated by her behavior anyway - she acted out meanly - would have fits - it was very taxing - and I felt for the people who did do the day-to-day care - I don't know HOW they did it.
When a person is TRYING to support someone else and the person they are TRYING to support is so "ill" (i.e., uncooperative, acting out, difficult, or mean) - it creates a lot of strife and anxiety. I value peace above all else and find it so difficult to be around people who act out for any reason.
Anyway, my post about my mother might have sounded a little callous - but I know in my heart I did everything I could do for her and that she was very well taken care of and that gives me a lot of comfort because I felt it was "my job" to do whatever I could for her.
When a person is TRYING to support someone else and the person they are TRYING to support is so "ill" (i.e., uncooperative, acting out, difficult, or mean) - it creates a lot of strife and anxiety. I value peace above all else and find it so difficult to be around people who act out for any reason.
Anyway, my post about my mother might have sounded a little callous - but I know in my heart I did everything I could do for her and that she was very well taken care of and that gives me a lot of comfort because I felt it was "my job" to do whatever I could for her.
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I have been thinking about this post all weekend.
I wanted to add something that occurred to me after I last posted.
I do not have a choice ABOUT what I am feeling.
I do have a choice ABOUT what I do with those feelings.
This has been such a huge part of my recovery from both addictive behaviors and my co-dependent behaviors.
For so long I tried to be numb, to not have feelings and I really thought this was normal, and it honestly was my aspiration in life.
My life has gotten much better since my perspective on this has changed.
Thanks for starting this really interesting thread!
I wanted to add something that occurred to me after I last posted.
I do not have a choice ABOUT what I am feeling.
I do have a choice ABOUT what I do with those feelings.
This has been such a huge part of my recovery from both addictive behaviors and my co-dependent behaviors.
For so long I tried to be numb, to not have feelings and I really thought this was normal, and it honestly was my aspiration in life.
My life has gotten much better since my perspective on this has changed.
Thanks for starting this really interesting thread!
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Hi Alicia,
I am really exhausted tonight, so that is likely the reason why some of what you are asking is confusing for me. So I am merely clarifying for myself, and maybe you will get something out of it, too. I am asking forgiveness in advance for the 'Novela'.
So, are you wanting to know if your husband, who struggles with addiction, had these choices? Because this list seems to pertain to him, and not you. I suppose that is what I am confused about here. These don't seem to be choices you "As a family member" would be making but choices for your husband.
There is really no way of knowing these answers for him unless you feel that you can have an honest and open conversation with your husband about these questions. As complicated as addiction is, there are as many experiences among recovering addicts about when and how they felt it was a viable choice for them to quit or whether they simply did not want to quit--until they did. I have learned so much from what members have shared on this thread, that my thinking and understanding on this topic have grown considerably over the past 3 days. I suppose posing these questions in the Newcomers or the Alcoholism forums to try to get some insight from recovering alcoholics and addicts themselves might be even more insightful.
I can certainly understand this concern, but again what is confusing me is that it is not the choice of the family member. Maintaining long-term sobriety is something that, sadly, I know only through my sister. (Forgive me my dear sober double and triple winners...I am referring to family members of mine--not to exclude your accomplishments!) She has been clean and sober for more than 15 years. Once she decided that she really needed to quit, she began by going to AA. She went through the steps with a sponsor. She has also received individual counseling. She does not currently attend AA or meet with a counselor, and she is still sober.
I have also read stories written by SR members who felt that their sobriety was in jeopardy because they stopped counseling or attending meetings.
I am sorry, Alicia, but can you clarify whether you are asking a question or making a statement here?
If a question, then I would say yes based on my reading the posts in this community for the past 9 years. It is possible for someone to recover without a structured recovery program of any sort. If a statement, then I would agree with it, certainly.
I don't believe there is a black/white answer to this. No one thing that works for all. Yes, I believe based on what I have read here that some people do recover completely on their own (or at least only by participating in this community).
Some try a variety of recovery tools one after another until they finally find what will work for them.
The really humble, revealing stories told by some of our members has truly expanded my thinking on these topics.
I am really exhausted tonight, so that is likely the reason why some of what you are asking is confusing for me. So I am merely clarifying for myself, and maybe you will get something out of it, too. I am asking forgiveness in advance for the 'Novela'.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
As a family member, when I speak of choice.
Did he have the choice to stop on is own? He just didnt want to?
Or did he only have the choice to admit he couldnt stop on his own?
Or was he even able to realize the problem/make the decision to seek help?
Did he have the choice to stop on is own? He just didnt want to?
Or did he only have the choice to admit he couldnt stop on his own?
Or was he even able to realize the problem/make the decision to seek help?
There is really no way of knowing these answers for him unless you feel that you can have an honest and open conversation with your husband about these questions. As complicated as addiction is, there are as many experiences among recovering addicts about when and how they felt it was a viable choice for them to quit or whether they simply did not want to quit--until they did. I have learned so much from what members have shared on this thread, that my thinking and understanding on this topic have grown considerably over the past 3 days. I suppose posing these questions in the Newcomers or the Alcoholism forums to try to get some insight from recovering alcoholics and addicts themselves might be even more insightful.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Then of course as a family member the next concern is does my husband have the choice to maintain sobriety long term?
I have also read stories written by SR members who felt that their sobriety was in jeopardy because they stopped counseling or attending meetings.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
He can choose not to use again and do so with no outside help?
If a question, then I would say yes based on my reading the posts in this community for the past 9 years. It is possible for someone to recover without a structured recovery program of any sort. If a statement, then I would agree with it, certainly.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Or he decides this isnt something he can do. picks what assistance he feels is needed -either in the form of temporary or permanent aid, and chooses to utilize these resources ?
Some try a variety of recovery tools one after another until they finally find what will work for them.
The really humble, revealing stories told by some of our members has truly expanded my thinking on these topics.
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seek and hopeful4, I am sorry about your parents who have suffered from alzheimer's disease. I have never had to deal with it, but my Aunt suffered from it, and my cousin suffered at her hands because of it. My aunt could not help her illness, but it was very painful, frustrating, devastating for my cousin as he did all he could to care for her.
She became mean, vile, abusive verbally and would throw things and try to hit him. She was a tiny creature, too. I can't begin to imagine how it must feel to see a parent turn into something and someone so foreign.
I am so sorry.
She became mean, vile, abusive verbally and would throw things and try to hit him. She was a tiny creature, too. I can't begin to imagine how it must feel to see a parent turn into something and someone so foreign.
I am so sorry.
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So many people are dealing with Alzheimer's & addicted family members, and family members that have other medical or mental health issues . . . there is not a lot of talk about what this is like for "caregivers" and the people who love those "afflicted" with "difficult" conditions . . . again, my point is to contrast loving someone with a medical condition such as Alzheimer's that has a behavior component with alcoholism - the people who love alcoholics are not a special population of "sick," maladaptive, manipulative, dysfunctional people . . . it's interesting how "co-dependency" is specific to addictions/alcoholism.
Just something to think about.
Just something to think about.
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" . . it's interesting how "co-dependency" is specific to addictions/alcoholism. "
It isn't though - it was recognized first in families of alcoholics but then also seen in family members dealing with a chronically ill relative, families with mental illness, and in general, families with any kind of extraordinary stress placed on them.
The extraordinary stressor slowly creates a dysfunctional dynamic
as the family focus is on it, along with all their energy, attention,
and time.
It isn't though - it was recognized first in families of alcoholics but then also seen in family members dealing with a chronically ill relative, families with mental illness, and in general, families with any kind of extraordinary stress placed on them.
The extraordinary stressor slowly creates a dysfunctional dynamic
as the family focus is on it, along with all their energy, attention,
and time.
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And my point is that it is not pathological.
"Agree to disagree" with the consensus reality. As I said initially, there are scholarly articles that explain the cultural construct much better than I could.
"Agree to disagree" with the consensus reality. As I said initially, there are scholarly articles that explain the cultural construct much better than I could.
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Well, this has gotten way off topic, but interesting...
My church has respite care for caregivers. Meaning those folks who are caring for family members with Alzheimer's or dementia or are handicapped in some way (in a wheelchair for example). It allows their loved ones to be cared for for a few hours or a day so that they can run errands, spend time taking care of things that are not possible normally.
But this option isn't really open for those whose loved one is an active alcoholic. (...but an interesting idea to contemplate...)
I think the stigma around addiction that persists to this day plays a roll in how society at large thinks and reacts to those of us with addiction in the family.
I suppose how choice could come in to play is how we choose to feel and react when we love someone who is an alcoholic/addict: Are we ashamed of them? Are we ashamed of ourselves because we somehow believe that everything they do reflects on us and the kind of people we are? That somehow, someone else's addiction is our responsibility? If we were only good enough, strong enough, smart enough, we would be able to help or fix our loved one's problems?
Can we choose to separate our own self worth from our loved one who is an alcoholic/addict in the same way we could if our loved one suffered from any other compulsion disorder or other mental illness? Why is addiction so different?
My church has respite care for caregivers. Meaning those folks who are caring for family members with Alzheimer's or dementia or are handicapped in some way (in a wheelchair for example). It allows their loved ones to be cared for for a few hours or a day so that they can run errands, spend time taking care of things that are not possible normally.
But this option isn't really open for those whose loved one is an active alcoholic. (...but an interesting idea to contemplate...)
I think the stigma around addiction that persists to this day plays a roll in how society at large thinks and reacts to those of us with addiction in the family.
I suppose how choice could come in to play is how we choose to feel and react when we love someone who is an alcoholic/addict: Are we ashamed of them? Are we ashamed of ourselves because we somehow believe that everything they do reflects on us and the kind of people we are? That somehow, someone else's addiction is our responsibility? If we were only good enough, strong enough, smart enough, we would be able to help or fix our loved one's problems?
Can we choose to separate our own self worth from our loved one who is an alcoholic/addict in the same way we could if our loved one suffered from any other compulsion disorder or other mental illness? Why is addiction so different?
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I think I misunderstood your original post. I do agree with you about loving them and being difficult to be around. So sorry for the misunderstanding.
Ugh. I hate disease and addiction. Either way, they both produce horrible affects on your body and mind, and are so hard on those who love those with either one.
Thought provoking posts.
Ugh. I hate disease and addiction. Either way, they both produce horrible affects on your body and mind, and are so hard on those who love those with either one.
Thought provoking posts.
Originally Posted by seek
Hopeful4 - don't know why you would find my experiences and opinions offensive - has nothing to do with you. I spoke of MY mother and what it was like managing her care - it was no picnic - said nothing about anyone else's relatives or experiences - if yours is not difficult, you are lucky.
The comparison I made was with an out-of-control alcoholic and someone with Alzheimer's - you love them AND it is very difficult to be around them - that was the premise.
I am offended at your offendedness (just kidding, but it is kind of ridiculous).
The comparison I made was with an out-of-control alcoholic and someone with Alzheimer's - you love them AND it is very difficult to be around them - that was the premise.
I am offended at your offendedness (just kidding, but it is kind of ridiculous).
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seek, i also had a mother diagnosed with dimentia. she lived with me and i was her caregiver for the last 11 or so years of her life. for the majority of time the dimentia treated her kindly. until the last 6 months of her life. it was pretty rough on both of us.
something i found so dammed hard to admit and accept- and i found it crosses into other areas for me,like when i was tryin to be a savior/rescuer:
completely,100% powerless over her actions.
something i found so dammed hard to admit and accept- and i found it crosses into other areas for me,like when i was tryin to be a savior/rescuer:
completely,100% powerless over her actions.
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heres a personal experiment that can be done to show a little about the power of choice SOME alcoholics have:
drink a gallon of water.
dont pee for 3 days. do NOT let it happen.
drink a gallon of water.
dont pee for 3 days. do NOT let it happen.
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On the other side of the coin, denial and rationalization can keep codependents from seeing they have a choice. You can choose recovery (Alanon) or not. You can stay or you can leave. You can keep focusing on the upsetting exploits of the alcoholic or start looking at yourself. I was complaining about my alcoholic to my sponsor in early recovery and her response: "well, you picked him!" Ouch! But that was the real problem: I picked him and I stayed.
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"But this option isn't really open for those whose loved one is an active alcoholic. (...but an interesting idea to contemplate...)" posted by Seren.
Thanks for the chuckle Seren, and a reminder to value a sense of
humor through all this.
Through the diversity of folks here and in alanon, and through lots
of self-education and a compassionate God, I have learned to separate myself and be compassionate to myself and errect boundaries that give me peace.
The way I feel about AH is a mix, but mostly sadness that he is
destroying his health and of course the impact on our relationship
and me. The difference for me now is that I know I have choices
and it's up to me to decide what is best for my life from now till
my last day on this wonderful earth. He may continue to choose
alcohol and I am aware.
Thanks for the chuckle Seren, and a reminder to value a sense of
humor through all this.
Through the diversity of folks here and in alanon, and through lots
of self-education and a compassionate God, I have learned to separate myself and be compassionate to myself and errect boundaries that give me peace.
The way I feel about AH is a mix, but mostly sadness that he is
destroying his health and of course the impact on our relationship
and me. The difference for me now is that I know I have choices
and it's up to me to decide what is best for my life from now till
my last day on this wonderful earth. He may continue to choose
alcohol and I am aware.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I also believe that caregiving, like any other human behavior,
is maladaptive at the point which the caregiver begins to
deny their needs, stuff their emotions, loathe themselves
for the resentment, and turn themselves into pretzels trying
to make everything "normal". In other words, taken to
the extreme.
is maladaptive at the point which the caregiver begins to
deny their needs, stuff their emotions, loathe themselves
for the resentment, and turn themselves into pretzels trying
to make everything "normal". In other words, taken to
the extreme.
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