Becki67

Hello,

I finally met with an attorney friend of mine yesterday regarding the house situation. After I explained that I have the loan in my name only and the deed in both of our names, he just shook his head at me. I explained that 10 years ago, when we bought the house together, we were excited and I trusted that he would do what he said (Hindsight is 20/20, eh?) My attorney, in essence, told me I was screwed. Which isn't a shock to me.

So, I have very few options here. I can go to court and get a partition order from the judge that forces him to sell the house. Or, I can move out and draw up a contract that allows him to stay in the house for a determined amount of time before we sell. I like this idea because I can leave sooner, but my friend thinks this is the riskier option.

Call me a coward...call it as taking the easy way out, but I think there are several people on here that know how he's going to act once I start a court proceeding to force him to sell. The drunken rants, the meanness, the arguments in the middle of the night....I just don't want to deal with it. I just want to leave.

So, the question....what would you do? Get to that peaceful life sooner or go through the mud while waiting out the process?

53500

Hi Becki, not sure what the risks are in leaving earlier but it sounds like they are financial risks. I guess it depends on how much the potential loss of money - or maybe it's time before you get the money from a sale? - matters to you.

When I left, I left quickly because I could not stand to stay and fight for money/ property. I settled for far less than if I'd stayed to fight. That was my choice to make and it worked for me.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

dandylion

How long would this period of time be...if you drew up a contract?

Do you think that he would deliberately damage the property in your absence?

How fast do you think the house will sell...(advice from real estate agent).....?

Becki67

When I weigh the risk against the benefits of leaving, it's a no-brainer. So, I take a hit financially....money doesn't matter in the long run, does it. A good life means more to me now. Peace means more to me now. Actually, being able to move around my home freely and talk in a normal tone of voice instead of whispering means more to me now. Running the vacuum , doing the dishes, making noise! Sadly, that means more to me now than losing money.

dandylion

Why not move into an extended stay motel regardless of which choice you take.....

LexieCat

Allowing him to stay in the house a "set amount of time" under a contract sounds like a mess. Why should he agree (and he would have to)? Even if he DOES agree, you'd have to go through legal proceedings to get him out if he doesn't hold up his end of the agreement (and again, why should he? He's got it MADE--he has half ownership in a house for which he has zero obligation).

It seems to me you will wind up in court over this sooner or later. I'd get it over with NOW, and when you file your suit for partition, ask for an order that requires him to properly maintain the property pending sale so as not to diminish its value. If you let him stay he could simply run it into the ground. He has no legal defense that I'm aware of to the partition. Get it done, get out of this economic disaster of a relationship and consider it a costly lesson. The sooner, though, the better.

53500

A good life and peace, freedom in your own house are incredibly valuable. Money doesn't even matter in the short run - assuming you can afford it, and it sounds like you can.

I took a big financial hit when I left. I knew I'd need to borrow, temporarily, to manage. So I accumulated debt for a while (which is something I hate) but eventually paid it all off.

The turmoil of staying was unbearable, being woken up in the middle of the night to get yelled at and berated - like you said, not having peace in my own home. It's a terrible way to live.

atalose

So, I have very few options here. I can go to court and get a partition order from the judge that forces him to sell the house. Or, I can move out and draw up a contract that allows him to stay in the house for a determined amount of time before we sell. I like this idea because I can leave sooner, but my friend thinks this is the riskier option.

What are the risks? Financial?

Is it possible for you to move out now along with a partition for forcing the sale along with court orders that he not damage the property, that he allow realtor showing and not interfere with the sale?

dandylion

I think lexie makes a good point.....what is to say that he will be co-operative with any extended plans? Why can't you live in some temporary place while the house sale is being done?

hopeful4

Yes what Lexie said!

Becki67

I have a LARGE dog (160 lbs), my sister, her three kids and her cat. They would laugh at me if I tried. Plus, the extended stay hotels around here are not the safest.

Becki67

I will be leaving as soon as I can find a place and get up the money for deposit and setting up everything. I want to have the contract in place that states that he won't destroy the property and will assist in getting it ready for sale. I don't know if they can do that or not. But, my plan is to get out soon.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep the peace around here for all others that have to live through this, too. As best as I can. I have two sets of earphones charged up so that I can lose myself in music while I go about what I need to do around here. Looking around, there's a LOT, but I'll keep my eye on the prize!

Mango blast

Talk to a domestic abuse attorney. You need someone who specializes in this type of situation.

Your local domestic violence shelter can also provide help and support for you. It's especially hard for someone who's been emotionally abused to see everything that's going on and options available for support in getting their life back.

5 ways to get a spouse to leave

Mango blast

I'm sorry you're going through this.

One step at a time. Not feeling safe in your own home is terrifying. Call your local domestic violence shelter. It's important to have support from people who truly understand. Friends and family may mean well, but they don't have what you need right now. (((Hugs)))

AnvilheadII

so really bad option but what if you and your entourage move out and you simply stop paying the mortgage? technically neither of you truly "own" the home since the bank holds the title. foreclosure is not immediate, you'd have a number of months of non-payment before foreclosure would start, and then a number of months to reinstate the loan before the lender takes action to reclaim the property.

you would also of course stop paying any other bills related to the house - lights, heat, sewer, garbage. but keep paying homeowners, of course!

he may just stay until they force him out. you then may still have time to work with the lender and not lose the property. there is no telling what he might do to the structure as far as damage. the lender may go after him for payment, since he is on the deed.

i'd consult a real estate attorney and explore options. the above is just a suggestion, not legal advice of any kind.

LexieCat

I'd also think long and hard about what walking away from the mortgage would do to your credit score. It COULD make it difficult to rent/buy another home, or limit your ability to obtain credit on favorable terms, and can even sometimes affect your job prospects. Not suggesting it would never make sense, but I'd suggest doing some serious research before going for that option.

dandylion

Look before leaping!

Sasha1972

I don't think that's sad, I think it's self-aware. I had a breakthrough moment in my own divorce negotiations when I realized that money came in two amounts - "enough" and "not enough". If I had "enough", I could afford to forego "more than enough" in exchange for peace of mind and a good life. So that's what I did. I could have come out of the property negotiations with at least $10K more - but fortunately, I was in a position where I knew I would have enough money to get by, and getting it over with was worth more than any additional money. I know I took a financial hit, and I am okay with that.

honeypig

Not a lot to offer other than to say that in my neck of the woods, the real estate market is SMOKIN'! Seriously, houses are selling in a matter of days, if not less. My boss and his wife are in a bind right now b/c their house is likely going to be closed on in a couple of weeks and they haven't been able to find a house to buy--anything they've looked at has been sold by the time they decide if they want to make an offer.

I don't know the situation where you live, but if it's anything like this, you might be able to sell the place in way less time than you imagine. Getting these facts could have a big influence on what path you choose. If you truly could sell the place in a week or less, that could be a real game changer, right?

Txbuttercup

I was in a very similar situation to you just a couple months ago.
My husband was unemployed, making my daily life a living hell, and I was forced to flee in the middle of night and could not afford to pay both the mortgage and my rent.

My plan was to request not only the judge make him sell, but sell to a particular "buy as is" website that I was able to obtain an offer from online. Yes, it was very low end of market value. Yes, we could've / should've made more, but I knew there was no way he could stay sober enough to maintain the home and keep it in showing condition or even answer the door for potential buyers (that could be a dangerous situation). Plus we would be able to pick the closing date anywhere from 7-60 days after final inspection. It made me more comfortable knowing I would deal with a company rather than subject unsuspecting homebuyers to an alcoholic's erratic behavior.

He ultimately showed up to court at the last minute and agreed to my plan, so I didn't have to go in front of the judge. Within a week he hit an 18 wheeler head on while driving drunk in another state (3x the limit at 10am). I've returned home and am pulling some legal / financial maneuvers to pay him his half of the low ball offer and keep the house.

I don't wish this alcoholic death spiral on anyone, but my advice is to make your living arrangements as temporary as possible when you leave until the house is sold. Now I have broken an apartment lease and contracts for internet, electricity, security, etc, but it is worth it to me to back in my home. Just remember things can change very quickly with an alcoholic.

Good luck to you!