Mango blast

I've been working through a lot of deeper trauma this week, mostly from childhood but also from being in an alcoholic marriage.

Why this phrase was bugging me so much now seems very apparent to me... I simply have much more of my own "stuff" to work through.

All the replies and viewpoints are very useful. It helps me step out of the moment I was getting stuck in.

9 days out of 10 (so to speak...), we have a healthy relationship now. It's the 10th day (wherever it may actually show up is a crap-shoot) that has us each, individually, learning new tools to deal with it.

He grew up in an alcoholic/codependent home, but I'm starting to see it was also filled with love.

I grew up in a house that "looked good", yet it was filled with hate.

We each have our own issues. 30 years of marriage can't make it better. Thankfully, God, faith and prayer are transforming things.

So yes, the phrase I posted is concerning me for good reason. It also comes up when my husband is stressed. Not mine to deal with, but his. I'm learning to give myself room for my recovery... including time for play.

AnvilheadII

you don't think you might be giving him a little TOO much of a free pass there? he didn't just ask this bit about PUNISHMENT once on a bad day.........he has asked you THRICE, in a fairly short period of time. it's a theme.....i'd say at the various least keep this set aside, but not too far, in case you hear it again.

Mango blast

Simply stepping back to my side of the street. If I hear it again, I'm going to be responding to it differently.

Sasha1972

"How long am I going to be punished?"

My goodness, drama much?

I can think of a couple of translations:

1. Everything is still about me. This time apart is about me being punished, not you taking the time you need to get some clarity. What about ME? I'm suffering over here!
2. I am feeling kinda guilty and shameful about some of the things I did, so I am externalizing those uncomfortable feelings into you "punishing" me, not me having to deal with the emotional consequences of my actions over the last 30 years.
3. When will I know whether you want to stay married to me?

Of those three, the third question is really the only one that merits a thoughtful response (the answer to the other two is "more will be revealed"). Do you think that you want to stay married to him? Or has the relationship run its course and you're both better moving on?

Mango blast

Strange as it is... I am both more hopeful for our marriage than I ever have been, and have no fear of divorce.

Truth: happiness is an inside job.

Mango blast

Whew!!

Yes, drama much... more on my side on many days. I truly thank God we're living apart. I have so much crap I'm working through... it's wonderful to have space to do this.

Life is wonderful, beautiful and magical.

Most days I really see this. And yet, as I see and experience the good, there are these painful emotions physically working themselves out. I'm learning to honor them, let them be recognized, let them go.

Today I'm cutting flowers and fresh greens. I'm on my third arrangement... healing through nature and creativity. Whatever I need keeps showing up for me. I continually pray for eyes to see and eyes to hear.

honeypig

This, to me, is a mark of the real thing, true recovery.

Thanks for the reminder about how those things happen, and how it feels to wish to be more and more open to the world, knowing it will teach you and help you grow at every turn. I know that for me, the feeling of wanting to open up instead of shutting down was so new, so intense and inspiring! I'm glad you're experiencing it too.

aliciagr

Im separated from my husband right now also and have had this same kind of discussion, and heard the same words from him. However, I dont think its a negative reflection on him or his recovery.

Its only been a few months for us, and I have been staying at my parents Not because I wanted to punish him, or because I set a time limit where he needs to prove himself to me (say a year minimum).

Ive needed time to work on my own healing, needed a place of quiet and calm after a lot of drama... I have asked myself the question of how much time apart is really necessary for me? For a while it was asking myself Do I want to continue in this marriage and partnership? In my mind, this was another major factor in deciding some time apart was beneficial.

But Ive answered that question now.. the answer is Yes, I do want to continue on in this partnership. So now, I find myself asking what is stopping me from moving forward with him actually under the same roof? We spend lots of time together now, and have worked on communicating and rebuilding trust. Its not like I cant continue to focus on my needs while we are together.

And I think this is where my husbands feelings come from. Why cant we move forward together, while we each continue to work on whatever it is we need individually? That is what a true healthy relationship allows.. its not about losing yourself, or giving up on self care just because we become "a couple" again.

Im not sure if you are involved in any marriage counseling? We have been doing it for a while.. on and off for over a year, even while we were still living together.. Its been VERY helpful, and has taught me to listen, to not assume what he means by a comment - I should want to ask questions, care about his feelings, be willing to talk about mine. A marriage isnt just about me.. its about both of us.

Which leads to another question asked by the marriage counselor? Am I ready to care not just about my own needs, but about his? Am I ready to work with him and face the challenges of life? Thats big for me, and its the last piece of the puzzle Im working on.

Based on your comments about being in therapy and working on trauma issues .. it may be that you are not at a place where you can do marriage counseling and more time apart to work on yourself is really necessary... before you can be his partner again... nothing wrong with this...

My husband has also expressed to me that he knows the damage he did to our marriage, he knows the ways in which he hurt me personally. Hes told me I have ever right to leave him, and knows he will have to work to rebuild trust and is willing to do it. Realistically, I know at times this will frustrate him.. He is human.

I have no idea what is going on in your husbands mind..you asked for a translation.. I think only he can give it to you.

BlownOne

IMHO true recovery from your husband would be sounding more like "As much as I want you back, your happiness is more important to me. When and if you ever feel ready, really ready, I'll be here. In the meantime I'm going to focus on my recovery and being a better person"

F50Lurker

"How long until I can drink again?" = short version.