How to cope

Old 08-09-2017, 04:56 PM
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How to cope

I'm new here to SR and I need some advice. I have been married to an active alcoholic for 4 years now together for 7. We have 1 child together and I have one from a previous relationship, he has 2 from previous relationships. I grew up with my father being an active alcoholic and maybe that is what drew me to my husband. My husband has been through rehab about 2 years ago and stayed sober for about 8 months and then relapsed, which he blames me for because our relationship never got better.
My husband will drink and not come home until the bars close, he never answers the phone while hes out so I never know where he is or when hes coming home. He is a different person when he drinks and we almost always fight. He gets blackout drunk everytime he drinks and then will sleep until 4 or 5 in the afternoon, then get up and head straight for the couch or head to work, which just makes me so mad. By the time he gets up I have been brewing all day from the night before and he hasn't hepled me with the kids or the house. So I usually am in a bad mood which in return gets him in a bad mood. My first reaction is to talk about it, but that makes things worse because he doesn't want to and he would rather be left alone. But at this point I can't help myself and I just go off and he ends up leaving or I end up apologizing. Since I can remember I have begged, pleaded, nagged, physically tried to stop, cried, talked, ect. to him to put our family first and at least cut back on the drinking. This has ultimently pushed him away and made him resent me. I found out he cheated on me and when I confronted him he told me I pushed him in a corner and he felt he had to test our marriage.
He recently has left and told me he is filing for divorce. He said that if I would have listened to him years ago I wouldn't be a single mom now. He tells me we haven't had a good day together in years which I don't believe to be true because when he put in a little effort we got along great. I am at a loss and I feel the weight of this falls on my shoulders I feel to blame that maybe if I wouldn't have nagged him so much and just let him be he would still be here. If I didn't let my feelings always get the best of me he would still love me. I still continue to fight for him becasue I want my family back but he has made it clear he doesn't want me back. How do you cope with the blaming when you just want to take it all back? How to you move on and start living life again
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Old 08-09-2017, 05:03 PM
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Dear Klynn
My heart goes out to you and your children.
How to cope? Be there for all your children. His children need stability too. Is their mother involved and functional?
You also reached out here, which is a great group of supportive people.
Keep coming back!!!
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Old 08-09-2017, 05:11 PM
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Thank you, I am still there for his children as well. They live with their mothers and they are involved and functional well at least one of them is functional!
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Old 08-09-2017, 05:18 PM
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Hi KLynn

I was very sad reading your story. I am very sorry for your situation

Addiction is so destructive. So hard to understand how a husband & father could walk away from his family

SR is a wonderful forum & you will find a great deal of support

Again I'm sorry for what brings you here. My heart goes out to you & I wish you all the best
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Old 08-09-2017, 05:33 PM
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OK, assume you could have nagged him less and he'd still be there. What about his going out and leaving the house and kids for you to take care of? Are his feelings more important than yours? There are worse things than being a single mom--and being a mom with an active alcoholic husband is one of them. In my experience, there is NOTHING as lonely as living with someone who is either out all the time or "checked out" when he is at home.

Have you consulted a lawyer? That should be your first step. He is responsible for supporting his child, and you need a custody/visitation order in place.

You'll get through this.

Oh, and welcome. Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a GREAT time to begin.
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Old 08-09-2017, 06:10 PM
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Thank you for your perspective. You are absolutly right about it being lonely living with someone like him. He says he checked out 6 years ago and we only have been together for 7 so I really had no chance. I try to talk to him about his leaving me with the kids and that translates to him that I'm saying hes a bad father so I feel like I'm on this endless merry-go-round. I have yet to contact a lawyer but I should. And I have started to go to Al-Anon recently just need extra support right now. Thank you so much for responding!
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Old 08-09-2017, 06:27 PM
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So I usually am in a bad mood which in return gets him in a bad mood.

in a healthy relationship, the mood of one would not change the other's to reflect it back. they would respect and allow the other to feel what they feel, emote what they emote.

your AH has given every indication by his ACTIONS that he is NOT invested in the relationship, OR being a family, OR being able to put the children as a priority. he has ONE mission. and that is to drink.

none of this is your fault. you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it.
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Old 08-09-2017, 06:35 PM
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Welcome Klynn,
Your ah (alcoholic husband) is pulling the same crap every other addict does. You are interfering with him drinking and so your marriage is horrible. Alcoholism is progressive and he just wants to be left alone to drink. You are throwing a wrench in his plans.

I am sorry, he is a husband and a father and if he can't step up to play the part, then why have him there. You are acting as mom and dad. I agree with Lexi, contact an attorney. Find out what you will need to do. Not saying that you have to file tomorrow, just educate yourself. I hate to say it, it will not get any better.

Hit some open AA meetings, some alanon meetings, maybe a addiction therapist. He's past the point of "trying" to save him, you need to save yourself. You have kids that do not deserve to grow up in a disfunctional home. I also would agree it is better to be in a calm loving home then living in crazyness of an active addict.

Do your homework, give it some time and things will work out the way God had planned. Hugs....
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Old 08-09-2017, 07:14 PM
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Even if you hadn't nagged him and had been perfectly sweet and understanding at all times, he still would have had a drinking problem. The problem starts in his brain, not in your marriage. In my limited experience, alcoholics can make ANYTHING into "the reason why I drink (it's not my fault!)".

For myself I went for years believing that if I was less "difficult", less "stand-offish", less "withdrawn", my husband wouldn't need to drink. After I left, he married a woman who is in many respects the complete opposite of me. And he drank even more. And then he got divorced from her, and drank even more.

So -
When he was married to me, he drank.
When he was married to someone completely different from me, he drank.
When he was single, he drank.
I have no doubt that if he married a cross between Mother Theresa and Beyonce with a Nobel Prize in physics, he would drink.

It had nothing to do with the quality of the relationships - it had everything to do with his dysfunctional ways of regulating emotions, helped along by a messed-up brain.

Don't let your husband's excuses become the story of your life. You probably weren't a perfect partner - nobody is. Maybe you did or said lots of things you regret now. But you didn't make him drink.
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Old 08-10-2017, 07:32 AM
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You can’t PLEASE an alcoholic well. Your feelings, your actions never had anything to do with your fathers drinking and doesn’t have a thing to do with your husbands drinking.

You didn’t Cause it.

You Can’t Cure it.

You can’t control it.

If we believe we have the ability to cause someone else to drink then we believe we must have the ability to make them stop. And the fact is, NO on both!!!

He needs to blame you because if he were to blame himself he’d have to actually do something about it. It’s far easier for him to continue to drink and use you as his excuse.

I think al-anon would be a great place for you to check out.
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Old 08-10-2017, 11:14 PM
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Thank you all for the kind words. I am really struggling today and I hope it will all get better soon! I am the definition of codependent and I hope I can break the Codie patterns I struggle with. I just want to feel better.
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