Smarie78

It looks like I am getting much closer to nailing down a job! My sister has graciously put together a meeting with her eager employer who apparently can't wait for me to join the team. We are in discussions of an offer already so it sounds like I will finally be getting some desperately needed employment. So thrilled to going back into a careeer again and picking up where I left off. Finally a light at the end of the tunnel where that is concerned.

I'm afraid that between the issues with Abf last year it cost me some of my success at work as I had been drowning in taking care of him. Thankfully I have gotten past just that part of the codependency (the rescuing and worry, taking him to my house, I was immersed in when he took off on benders)...but more than ever I am ready to dedicate myself back to a career. I am still working through relationship with Abf and by working through I mean existing in passivity. I understand this place is no fun to be in and I still struggle to cut the cord completely. Right now it's mostly a mix of heavy guilt and feeling like because I was in a better mood the other day and expressed SOME affection and ignorance of my true feelings, it led him on and I hate myself for it. We were so close to breaking up the other day and the guilt just ate me up that I pulled back in (ugh). So alas, I'm in that zone now and it stinks and I have to get back to my goal. I just feel trapped because I gave him hope and now it's turning into the I can't lose you and I'm glad things are good with us now

On another note, job I am taking is one he has major issues with. Not only will I work with my sister whom he claims hates him and will probably try and fix me up with a colleague (first part true), but he is worried I will cheat on him since the job entails lots of client entertaining and fun things. I broke it to him yesterday and he was upset but realized he can't prevent me from taking it and it's not his business. I made sure he also knew that I was not a cheat. I told him "I am not a cheat because you tell me not to, I don't cheat because I have integrity". He is really uncomfortable that this will be my potential new job but I must keep my eye on the prize. I'm really excited to be in a job where I get to be out and about around lots of people, it's where I flourish. I think he's liked me home and away from too many people Or he's just wanted me to work at boring office jobs where I'm not out too much.

Also....another bombshell is coming too....my friend invited me on a trip to Las Vegas for Labor Day weekend and I am dying to go and have some fun and just enjoy my life for once for my own self without all the pressures from others. Him...family, etc. He will 100% freak out at this and I'm actually very scared to tell him, but I am also going no matter what his reaction is. I feel guilty of course that I've had this and the job come up, two things that don't include him and kind of represent a freedom for me, and huge insecurity to him. I don't know why it makes me feel this guilt like I am moving on and doing things he is not a part of. The trip to LV would have been something I'd love to go with him too in a perfect world, as other couples are going, but I can see that turning into a disaster of epic proportions for his sobriety. He's dry right now and trying again to stay sober but going to LV the party capital of the world, would be suicide. And not to mention, a horrible time for me.

Anyway just an update. I know what to do I am just so terrified all the time. It's lousy not to mention cowardly.

AnvilheadII

you continue to confer thoughts and feelings on him that are not based in reality. HIS game is all about CONTROL.....it has nothing to do with needing you. he picked you because you are malleable and easily controlled. i imagine he could truly care less WHAT job you get, he just likes messing with your head and this job offer is excellent fodder.

same with when you pull away. he isn't sad or feeling abandoned, he is MAD because you aren't doing what HE wants. he is NOT dependent upon you whatsoever. you are not his wet nurse. or his nanny.

you use your guilt to remain passive and inactive. that is a choice you make.

tomsteve

what anvil said.
those are the actions i would have when i was losing my hostage.
id get upset then try and sabotage.

dandylion

Smarie...I consider the job and the LV trip as steps toward developing an identity of your OWN.
Do it......

You may be starting the signs of an embryonic backbone......
Imagine the possibilities.....

Ariesagain

"but he is worried I will cheat on him since the job entails lots of client entertaining and fun things."

Poor wittle angel. Given that he has cheated on YOU and multiple times, this is pretty damned rich.

How about you turn around and instead of reassuring him (and reinforcing) his King Baby behavior, say, "Hey, I just might find a good guy who won't cheat on me, spend my money on alcohol, destroy my house with his bodily fluids and generally act like an asshat 99% of the time!"

SMDH.

ETA: Go to Vegas. ALONE. Have a marvelous time. Flirt. Dance. Have an orgy with the entire cast of the Cirque du Soleil. Do whatever you damned well please (within legal limits) and maybe get a glimpse of what your life could be like when you're not mommying a total disaster 24/7.

firebolt

CONGRATS, and have SO MUCH FUN in LV!!

FireSprite

I don't see how you can cheat on a married man who is having multiple ongoing affairs of his own?

Congrats on the job Smarie - that is really, really great news.

And I'm in the "Go to LV & forget all about this man" Camp...... turn off your phone, shut down for a while & when you return the world will still be spinning.

Sasha1972

That's great about the job and the trip to Las Vegas! Keep moving forward and let the alcoholic boyfriend deal with his own reactions to these very normal and positive developments. Not your circus, not your monkey.

Hummer

Congratulations on the job offer and I really hope you take that holiday to Vegas

Bekindalways

Congrats on the new job Smarie and I hope you will give us details of the trip to Las Vegas.

Is anything in particular helping you to detach?

LexieCat

Why tell him anything about this planned trip? Doesn't he do whatever he wants to whenever he feels like it? How is it ANY of his business?

If you're trying to detach, DETACH.

PuzzledHeart

What is he hoping for? Is he hoping for the same things you are? I just don't think he wants to have a family like you do. Look at what he does with the family he already has. I just think he wants more of the same, which is what you no longer want.

This is going to sound so crazy but here goes nothing.

My last dysfunctional relationship (he was sleeping with me and a friend and we both knew it) ended with a f#$7. I even wore my boots on when I slept with him because I wanted to be the kinky person he wanted me to be.

I found out the next morning that a beloved friend had died after a long battle with cancer. We were screwing when she died. She didn't even know I was sleeping with him because I was too ashamed to admit what I was doing. I don't believe in ghosts, but the mere possibility that she could witness my relationship in the afterlife, not in judgment, but with pity, set the stage for the end. I didn't want to be pitied anymore. I didn't want to live my life as a question mark anymore. I didn't want to be with somebody just because I was lonely and wanted sex. I wanted more than that. I was just tired.

His reaction to her death was the final straw. I told him the news after I hung up the phone, and he said he had to leave. When I called him on it later, he told me the fact that I wasn't crying the moment I heard the news meant that I wasn't really bothered by her death. When he told me that, I wasn't angry. I wasn't even sad about him. I had other people to mourn. I was just done.

I hope, for your sake, it doesn't get to that point.

maia1234

Smarie,
Wonderful news!!!

Look how far you have come. One year ago you would never had considered getting a job he didn't approve of and secondly would never have gone away. You would have felt that you needed to stay home and take care of him.

You are growing my friend. You are succeding and he can't stop you. It's amazing how they just suck the joy out of your world. Go have an amazing time, turn off your phone and have a blast, if you don't he will call you hourly complaining about the "sun" not coming up.....
Good luck with the job, and put $5.00 in a slott machine for me!!

53500

Yes! Turn off your phone. You owe him nothing. As Lexie said, the job and the trip are none of his business. Hasn't he disappeared on you , over and over and over? As you worried about him, for days on end with no word, he stayed drunk and/or had sex with others?

Congratulations on the job, it sounds great! And have a wonderful time in Vegas if you go. Great to hear you're taking positive steps for yourself.

dandylion

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...49&FORM=VRDGAR

Smarie.....I have selected this song for you to listen to as you are flying (or driving?) to Las Vegas........
(also good for dancing).....

Smarie78

Thanks all for the very supportive words! I feel kind of like I've painted this horrible picture of him. I'm not trying to defend him please know! I simply also want to share that he is more than the terrible things I have shared. He has a lot of selfishness no doubt. But I do still have compassion for him and his inability to deal with what is and not what he wishes to be. In fact it is likely the tie that binds.

That's the dance of codependency. We both want what cannot be in every sense of the word. There is an unavailability to both he and I as a "together". We both deny it by playing pretend. I even caught myself today fantasizing that we could go to LV together like a normal couple and to be honest I really had to swallow hard that this was just a fantasy. A fantasy where he was healthy and free and we were ok. But I've accepted it as pure fantasy.

I look forward to the trip

Smarie78

Thank you! Well he's been separated 4 years and estranged. Wife detests him but depends on him financially and for immigration. I just don't want anyone to think I am with him behind her back. Not saying it's ok, just that we aren't sneaking around together or anything.

Yes he has cheated on me in the past and I wouldn't be surprised if he has again. Curiously enough when he went through his two year sober period before we were together, he confided in me that he was having sex with multiple women per week while having zero booze cravings and staying sober. I believe that sex was his "trade in addiction". It occurred to me that when we met he no longer could use sexual thrill to replace booze and about 6 months in to us getting serious, his alcoholic relapse came a knocking. This also makes a lot of sense for his addiction to me. It goes so hand in hand.

At any rate, looking forward to the trip and job! I don't plan on cheating out there if I am still with him as despite how things are with us, I just couldn't in good conscious (for me, not for him)

Eauchiche

^^^^THIS!!!

Get ready though! I grew one of those last year, and immediately fell out with my family of origin. I have two sisters left who believe that no one with a penis should have an opinion that differs from theirs. When you grow a backbone after not having one, the shock waves are far-reaching!!!