frustrated1

I am somewhat new to the al-anon program but am trying my best. As hard as it is, it is proving to work. My daughter moved out in a fit of rage and came back 10 days later. She said she could make no guarantees but would try and work her program and get into outpatient therapy. 3 days have gone by and she has said she has gone to 3 meetings. She still has not persued any outpatient help. My concern is that she is still hanging around with the same people as when she was using. I have gotten past the guilt trips, ranting and raving, trying to make her feel bad about what's happening to our family but I do want to help in a positive way. Tradition 5 says "by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relative." Can anyone help me as to what encouraging means? Just making the step into adulthood she is still a child living with a terrible disease. I want to try and talk in a calm positive way. I'm not sure if I can continue to go through the emotional rollercoaster if she stays here and goes back to drinking. Please any input into what encouraging means would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for listening, this place has helped greatly!!!

JT

Tradition 5: "Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics."

That is the whole tradition and it is about giving back...at least in the whole. The phrase you picked can be confusing if you take it all by itself.

Encouraging is about being supportive and letting them know we love them...if we still do. If my son was to enter a place where he was wanting to stop destroying himself I would be encouraging. And even tho he continues to drink I encourage him that he will find his way at some point.

Understanding, to me at least, is about having knowledge. Knowledge is power. Understanding that the alcoholic is not doing this to ME. They are hurting themselves in a way that we can do nothing about. Also understanding that each of has a right to make our own choices...good or bad.

Note that "practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves" comes first. Once we are doing that, the rest falls into place.

Hugs,
JT

gelfling

Hi and welcome,

Just loving and giving our kids support is encouragement.

However, there are times when tough love must be used. Sounds as if you're ready for it. This means that we still love our kids, but we have to assist them in growing up and taking responsibility for their actions... This is a form of encouragement in that we're encouraging them to get the hell out of the house before we kill them. We love them dearly, but refuse to live with the consequences of their disease.

Do you know what I mean? I've been ever so grateful that my alcoholic son lives in NY and we don't have to cope with his slips and sometimes laziness. AT one point, he was thinking of coming home and I told my husband (a recovering alcoholic) that I dreaded it because I knew that eventually, we would have to kick him out to make him grow up.

You can set boundaries for your daughter. And if she chooses not to respect them, it's up to you to follow through on whatever you told her you would do.

Attend meetings. As JT said, do the steps. You'll be surprised how things work out.

Take care, Kathy

SJW

Hey, Kit! I loved your line about Kicking them out of the house before we kill them.. Works for husbands, too, I'll bet, except I'd miss the income!

And to Frustrated1, coming here and going to Al-Anon will give YOU encouragement. When you feel encouraged yourself, you'll be better able to encourage your daughter.

What families of the alcoholic go through is a struggle that is made easier with the help of friends. You have lots of friends here who know just what you are feeling and just what you are dealing with.

Keep coming back!

SJW