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Moving forward. Freaking a little!! Update: My AH was recently Baker Acted and placed in a state funded "recovery" place. Of course beds are hard to come by so that only lasted about 1 week. Although if you remeber that was after his 30 days inpatient. He has been home now 2 1/2 weeks. He is doing and saying all the right things right now. He has been attending AA everyday. He has a sponsor and has been working through some steps. He is attempting to be open and honest and to express his thoughts with me. However......I am so disconnected that it is not affecting me like I always pictured if I were ever in this position. Had this all happened 2 or 3 years ago it would have struck me as a miracle and I would have been overjoyed. Now I am flat... I am emotionless, defeated and scared. Fast forward: I am sticking with my request that he find a place to live. He does not want to but is willing. He asked the other day if it was a permanent movement or can we just take a year. My response was we could take a year because honestly what is another, but my heart tells me I am done. I did express that I had spoken with lawyers and have considered a divorce. Tonight my 10 year old DS came to me in tears upset that he does not want dad to leave. After I tried to explain all the obvious, that he would still see him all the time and that we are just not happy in the same house, DS proceeded to say that "dad was happy in the house." To which I said but mommy has been hurt, and his response was that "dad is better." Grrr......Of course! And now mom's the bad one because a 10 year old doesn't realize the crap his mom has gone through for years. But dad gets better for 2 weeks and now he's the hero. Anyway, thanks for listening!! Does anyone have firsthand experience with dealing with their young kids in a similar experience? Also, do you think it possible to be able to rehab myself with a 1 year separation and not divorce right yet? Thanks xoxo |
Dear Lovehurt I wish I had an easy answer for you. I wish someone else had one for me. We are about to file for divorce. We have been separated 3-1/2 years. I can only offer you moral support and best wishes. |
Really really tough when kids are involved, maternal or otherwise. I am living with my recovering AW under the same roof, but separate rooms. 3 kids under 12. Crunch time will come soon as you can't tread water and live in limbo. When your heart says its over in my view its over. Take care |
10 year olds see the world from the perspective of a child.....while his thoughts and wishes DO matter, he doesn't comprehend all the ADULT stuff. |
All you really have to say to your son is that grownup stuff is complicated and it's personal and private between you and his dad. Assure him that you both love him and that you will always, always take care of him. Don't expect him to feel great about it, but he WILL adjust. My own adult kids have told me what confused them the most was that their dad and I never fought. I left their dad when he was sober like 15 years, and we had a very amicable divorce. FWIW, my kids are happy and healthy and had a pretty great childhood. My older son had some issues in adolescence that were pre-existing--we saw signs way before we separated. |
Originally Posted by LoveHurt
(Post 6563413)
Does anyone have firsthand experience with dealing with their young kids in a similar experience? RAH & I were separated for 2.5 years before moving in together again. We always separated with the intention of getting back together, but it wasn't always clear whether that would even happen. I shared this a couple of years ago, DD is 13 now & doing simply fantastic: I basically told DD, "I want to be honest with you & show you respect during all these changes in our lives, but sometimes the most honest answer IS *I don't know*, or *Let me think about the best way to answer that great question you just asked*." I told her that I was often still working on understanding things too, so I wasn't always able to explain them. I told her that NO question was off limits, but that I couldn't answer what she didn't ask. We talk openly about addiction - not just alcoholism, but how all kinds of people struggle with all kinds of behaviors. I talk to her about how it was for me as a kid with an a father who was an alcoholic & drug addict. When we separated she was around 5 yrs old (10 now); I told her that sometimes people grow apart & just can't get along the way they once did. And that trying to FORCE that sometimes brings out the worst in both people, which makes everyone in the house miserable. Sometimes, people need time & a little space just like she does when she goes to her room to read or play alone & shuts the door. That becomes her sanctuary - but for mommies & daddies to do that it sometimes involves living apart. I told her I didn't know where any of the changes were going to take us for sure, but that I COULD promise to let her know as soon as I figured it out. (And then, of course, I kept any promises that I made.) It really paid off for me to show some vulnerability & not try to pretend that I had my crap together all the time. |
I'm trying to be honest without being hurtful to all people, especially my (step) child(ren) and my husband while we are in this difficult process of dividing our family up into separate houses. As for our marriage, I'm not certain where it will go yet and I've deferred my descisions about such life-changing things until I'm certain I won't regret it later on. |
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