reefhugger88

Hey All -
Its been a little while since I've posted but could use some ESH at the moment. Last I posted (end of June) I heard through the grapevine that my eXRAGF was engaged. Seems it was untrue at the time , admittedly she actually contacted me shortly after this to tell me "I was still in her heart." And yes, I made the mistake of allowing her to continue to tell me this until I realized it was unfair - she was never open to discussing anything between us further, still seeing her rehab boyfriend but claims its not serious - life on her terms? I told her I couldn't continue to be a puppet on her string and it was supremely confusing so we shouldn't talk for a while as the healing wounds were again starting to open up.

Long story short, texted me yesterday that she said yes to her rehab romance boyfriend of 4 months Friday evening (officially - had multiple friends confirming this via social media). She's not even sober 6 months!

I am quite unsure how to proceed. Aside from all the "focus on yourself" talk, I could use some ESH on is it ever okay to try and convey my thoughts on it being too soon for her to do so? I understand in letting her make her own path and staying on my side of the street but is there any delicate way of saying, please focus on your recovery/stay true to your program, you can be addicted to things other than alcohol, Even, what are you doing??!!! No need to speculate but she obviously is living in a momentary high, they both are, perhaps even trapped in it. She has admitted she feels trapped b/c he has told her if she leaves he will probably kill himself.

I also am half convinced I need to finally say goodbye instead of trying to be friends at the moment. I just don't think I can remain friends and support her as much as I care for her....it hurts too much. Then again truly caring for her would dictate I support her no matter what, leave it be and just focus on myself.

Arghhh, decisions decisions. Just when I was making progress, she has to come back and put a bump in the road. Thanks for listening everyone.

AnvilheadII

go NO contact. block her and let her be. focus on you.

Ariesagain

"I also am half convinced I need to finally say goodbye instead of trying to be friends at the moment."

Listen to this half.

Did anything you ever said make any real difference in her addiction?

Why would anything have changed?

It's really quite the leap to ask that you congratulate her on becoming engaged to someone else, especially given the mixed messages she's been giving you, yes?

Wish her well and block her. Get on with your own sweet life...she's going to do what she's going to do.

SparkleKitty

Time to move on from this completely, my friend.

We often seek closure from the person who hurt us, but it only opens the door further for more hurt to come through. Closure is something you give yourself. You can do this by accepting that she is an adult -- free to make her own choices (even when you are sure they are mistakes) -- and that the time for her to spend in your life is passed.

MsPINKAcres

((RH88))

Hate you are dealing with this
As hard as it is to detach, we learn it is time for us to do what is healthy for our mental emotional & physical health.
Everyone needs to walk their own path - as much as we would love that to be recovery path for everyone - sometimes that doesn't happen - at least right now.

Maybe take some deep breaths & focus on the Next Right Thing for a healthy you.

Dont give up before the miracle happens in you - you deserve it.
Pink hugs (hope unity gratitude & serenity)

53500

Become all convinced, my friend. Let her go, don't tell her anything, extricate yourself from her life. She and the other guy have the right to make their own decisions, good or bad. It isn't your concern. Even if she texts you, even if she says "you're still in my heart" or something else to string you along.

Accept this chapter in your life is done and move on. It hurts but it's for the best and it'll hurt less and less as time goes on, and eventually not at all.

reefhugger88

Thank you all. The right path is becoming easier to walk day by day.

In my initial post on SR, I stated I did not know much about addiction, recovery, serenity, etc... even what boundaries really mean. I am understanding that as good as it feels when she tells me she is thinking of me, that is coming up on a boundary of eventually being hurt again as her words truly don't match her actions. Playing into my confusions, deflecting any chance for a REAL talk, hiding the truth, flat out lying. All common behaviors I was too blind to see because I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

One little rant - I am realizing after reading more posts here, that she is definitely filling a void from her childhood. Daddy issues for sure. He was never in the picture (parents separated when she was young). Throughout our relationship she never wanted to talk about him, and when she tried to reach out he would not give her the attention she was craving. Now this guy, who has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous relationship, has been coming along as she tries to reconnect with her father. She even said - He and my dad are really a like and he likes him a lot. He even proposed at her fathers house! So it sounds like he's def filling this father be gone role to a tee.
But yes, I know, let go and let her be. I just had to let that rant out.

It will be hard but you are all right. The romantic in me would like to go out with a solid I love you, sad to see you go, congratulations, positive send off into the sunset. But No Contact and goodbye.

AnvilheadII

can you be as descriptive and "enlightened" on your own inner workings?

reefhugger88

I always appreciate your straight forwardness Anvil!

I'm learning. Obviously my attraction to her has some roots in wanting to fix things. My parents were divorced when I was younger so I suspect that has something to do with that. To hold on to something that may not be the best for me/not seeing red flags feeds some kind of attention I'm not getting. Perhaps from my parents as well.

I've been living away from my parents for a long time and find myself trying to reach out and reaffirm my connection with them lately. Just like her I guess. Staying single and slowly listening to my needs. What was once a soft spoken voice is getting louder for me to listen to.

As much as this situation sucks it has been a slowly eye opening/awakening on my own personal struggles that I have not recognized or dealt with before.

NYCDoglvr

Yes, you do need to cut contact and block her phone. You dodged a bullet with this person and it's a good idea to work on yourself. Alanon? It was a lifesaver for me.

reefhugger88

NYCDoglvr - Yes I have been to Alanon. Have missed my usual group as it is on my day off which I have been taking advantage of summer and going camping/hiking with friends - nature therapy?? But I do need to get back and possibly find another meeting that works well with my schedule.

Its been a lot easier the last couple days. Focusing on my side of the street as it were. Perhaps just having to let out those thoughts about her is a good way to let go - which I am finding a lot easier.

SparkleKitty mentioned something about closure before. I do believe that is what I'm seeking. Despite my issues, I have been fortunate to get closure in previous relationships and be on good terms with my previous significant relationships. But who know I'd be dating an addict and for as long, with all the ups and downs. This has truly been an mind opening experience and I don;t regret it one bit.

Thanks again for all your collective wisdom.

Maudcat

Hi, reef.
Agree with the other posters that it is probably best for your serenity to just let this go.
She is still working out (or not) who she is without alcohol.
Anything you tell her wil be charged off to jealousy, resentment, anger, whatever.
From your posts, I can see that you are thinking hard about this, and that you want to do the right thing.
Thankfully, you no longer have to do the right thing with her.
I like that you are aware that you want to fix things, people, etc.
why not dive deeper into that?
I feel that it is important to you that people, like exes, like you, that there are no hard feelings.
Okay as long as you don't get trampled along the way.
Keep taking care of yourself. Outside with friends is good.
I don't know where you are, but up here in New England, summers are short.
We enjoy the heck out of them while we can.
Al Anon will be there when you need it.
Apologies for the armchair psychology.
Everyone's an expert.

reefhugger88

Maudcat - Thank you for your words and wisdom. I could always use those nuggets armchair or not. You are right I do want to do the right thing. Its hard to think of letting someone out of your life if they have been in it for a while. But I've come to see that it has to be for the best to let things run it's course. I guess I value relationships with people I have chosen to let into my life because of just that...I don't let that many in. But I am realizing it's okay to have some relationships run it's course and come to an end if it's not mutually beneficial.

I am turning the focus more inward day by day. Mornings are tough but it reminds me I need to create new positive routines. I have been applying for jobs the last couple of weeks and that feels nice and exciting as well.

I live in Oregon and a part from the heat wave we had the last couple weeks and smokey haze from Canadian wildfires, this summer has been quite nice. Floated the river with some buddies the other day and I try to hike at least 5 miles each week.

honeypig

This was a HUGE revelation for me, too, rh. I would make commitments (whether to a relationship, a cause, a job) and then feel obligated to continue that commitment FOREVER simply b/c I'd made it. I learned A) to get as much info as possible first, and B) if things change or turn out to be different from what you'd believed, it is OK to say "hey, you know what? This seemed like a good idea, but it's not working out for me after all, so I'm moving on."

Even if it's not a big issue of "not working out", it's OK to make changes simply b/c you need/want something new and different. I've volunteered for 2 particular running events for over 10 years, love the race director, have always enjoyed working those events, but am just feeling it's time for a new direction now, so I told him I've had a lot of fun over the years but am no longer available for volunteering. And the feeling of freedom this gave me indicates I probably have been ready to let this go for some time but just hadn't, out of obligation or habit or ?

All of this sounds really good (well, not the smoke-and-heat-wave part, but the rest...). I wish you well in your job search and I envy you your river float!