SoHurt2017

No I have not. It's been a month since the breakup and I've been reading a lot and listening to inspirational talks and that has really helped me so far. I did some research for Al-Anon meetings in my town and I will look into attending. I do not believe that there is a chance for reconciliation with my ex boyfriend so at this point, I think I would be attending the meetings to help me better understand what I am going through and to recover cope with my feelings. This forum is really helping. I will see if I can get to an Al-Anon meeting. Thank you 😊

honeypig

Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected someone else's drinking. It is not necessary that you still live with or be married to the A. And the talk is NOT about the A's in our lives but about our OWN lives--the challenges we face and how we are dealing with them.

Alanon applies to so much more than just your experiences w/the A. Give it some time and some effort and you'll find it will change every single aspect of your life and your relationships. Really.

atalose

I am curious, was this a kind of long distance relationship? The reason I ask is that in one part of the above you mention that he would come and visit you every couple of weeks but then in another part you mention he wanted to make love every couple of days.

I know a woman from al-anon who fell hard for a Mr. Wonderful (he drank a lot as well) who had another lady friend he was also involved with. Told my friend he had a child which explained his absence for holidays and such and of course he traveled a lot for work. She found out when the other woman found out and contacted her. He was playing the same game with both of them.

FallenAngelina

There are many long time members in my home group that have not lived with their A for decades. As honeypig said, Al-Anon is for you to understand more about you. It is not specifically to learn how to deal with an alcoholic or a breakup, although much of what you'll discover can help with that. Al-Anon is a life enriching program that is not dependent on anything except alcohol having been a problem in your life somehow at some time. I broke up wth my ABF two months ago and love my meetings - won't stop going even though I'm feeling pretty good these days. Al-Anon is about finding more of you.

TLC

I am sorry for what you are going through, its very difficult and have received many great insights and support from this site. Hang in there.
Even though I'm new to this forum and also dealing with my x high functioning A, though the high functioning isn't so much anymore. I have been to Al Anon. I first went thinking they would help me get him help, and was honestly a bit angry thats not what they do. Then I thought they were there just learning to live with the A. Wrong again (in part), As I've kept going (not to long into it) I'm learning that its about us learning about and caring for ourselves.
Wishing you well

SoHurt2017

Yes we were in a long distance relationship but we saw each other every other weekend, every holiday weekend and on extended holidays such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Spring Break, etc. Our work schedules were similar so we were able to spend much time together. I went to spend 6 weeks with him this past summer (because I was on vacation) and during that time he couldn't keep his hands off me. I know this is kind of TMI but we made love every other day when I was there for the 6 weeks. I have no evidence that he cheated (no phone or physical evidence) but some of us can be so good at hiding our infidelity so who knows? The reason why I think he has moved on is because since we broke up one month ago he has made zero attempt to reconcile and to work things out. I know this is a blessing and I'm accepting that the relationship is over.

SoHurt2017

In any case, it sounds like the next step I need to take is to find and attend and Al Anon meeting and continue my recovery that way as well. Thank you to all of you. My emotions are just so all over the place right now but I am staying strong and determined. I have not tried to reconcile with him, nor have I initiated any communication with him. I believe he saw me as an obstacle who interfered with his lifestyle as a heavy drinker so I guess I had to go even though I was the one who walked away? Kind of weird but inasmuch as I ended the relationship with him, I believe he ended it with me as well. But again, I have to keep reminding myself that our being apart is a blessing and that I will get better and heal as time goes by.

Shutterbug1

Hmmm. I am also questioning the motive here. If someone broke up with me, I wouldn't send them a gift. Seems like there is more to this. Proceed with caution. Prioritize yourself and your son. He had his chance and showed you who he is, don't fall for it.

SoHurt2017

Shutterbug1, I am trying not to think too much of it because it is getting me emotional and giving me mixed feelings. I mean what could his motive possibly be? I have not even thought of sending him anything and I wouldn't because we are over. However, I don't know why he is buying and sending me and my son these things. Again, I just plan to send him a text message and say thank you once I receive them in the mail. I can't afford to divert my attention from the fact that he is an alcoholic and that he has hurt me deeply and that he will continue to hurt me if I continue on with him. It is over between us. I mean it has to be. What confuses and hurts me so deeply is that he showed me all of this profound love and then easily discarded me like trash when I called him out for drinking, getting drunk and sleeping out on the streets. I am pouring my heart out here and everyone on this forum has been so very open and helpful to me. I just have to remain strong and keep my focus on how walking away now will be a blessing to me in the long-term. I would have never fallen in love with him had I known that he was capable to getting so drunk and sleeping out on the streets. Iam planning to make some calls tomorrow about getting to an Al-Anon meeting and I will keep you all posted.

atalose

Yes, it is a blessing that it is over and a bigger blessing he is not bothering you or harassing you like so many alcoholics can do with empty promises of giving up the booze for you.

I heard this here on SR………..codependents morn alcoholics move on.

SoHurt2017

Thank you atalose. That is clearly the case in my situation..

AnvilheadII

. However, I don't know why he is buying and sending me and my son these things. Again, I just plan to send him a text message and say thank you once I receive them in the mail.

i suggest returning the items. without a text. and going 1000% no contact.

honeypig

I would second this--accepting the gifts is keeping a connection w/him open.

Many years ago, a man I'd broken up with sent me flowers at work. I gave them to our office manager to take home. She seemed aghast that I wouldn't accept them. I guess I knew the right thing to do at least once in a while...

SaveYourHeart

I agree too, you don't need anything he has to give, refuse it and go no contact.

SoHurt2017

Thank you AnvilheadII, honeypig and SaveYourHeart. As tough as it will be to send the items, gifts or whatever sort of gesture it might be back, I will do that. It just gives me mixed messages because I have not initiated contact with him since we broke up a month ago, and I have remained strong in not doing so. Two weeks after our breakup, he mailed me some things that I had left at his place, so I am confused as to why he would take time to now go and buy me and my son things that we don't even need. Obviously my emotions are still raw and I still really love him since it has only been a month, and I am really hoping that with time, resources such as SR, Al-Anon and continued no-contact, I will make a full recovery. It took me almost 15 years to open my heart to someone again and what I dreaded the most happened....... a broken heart. I just feel so deceived. I feel like he hid the extent of his drinking from me due to the fact that we were in a long distance relationship. I am praying that I remain strong enough to never go back to him and to never be in a relationship with any sort of substance abuser ever again. Again, I can't thank all of you enough for all of the support and encouragement that you have given to me here. I am beyond grateful.

atalose

This is why it is even more important to be total no contact and that includes allowing him to contact you. Block his # from the ability to send you texts and delete any emails.

You are still in the “but I still love him” so any kind of contact or gesture on his part is going to get your hopes up and you will read into and analyze each and every single word. It’s like the safety warning in the side mirror of our cars.……….objects in the mirror are closer then they appear. And when we still love them, we want them to be appear closer then they are.

dandylion

^^^^^^^absolutely....

SoHurt2017

Well, the package came in today and of course, I am totally confused. It just included the things I mentioned that he would send but no note or anything. Just so weird. No special occasion - but he sends those things.... Plus, he made sure he got a tracking number so that he could know when I got it.. I will be mailing it back first thing Monday morning and I have gone ahead and blocked him from contacting me. Of course, as expected my emotions are all over the place wondering why he sent these things and what his motive is. Now I see why zero contact is necessary, because any contact at all interferes with one's ability to heal fully.

honeypig

Good job, SoHurt. It really will get easier in time, and you really will get past him and past all this.

SoHurt2017

Thank you so much honeypig. I am truly looking forward to that day. I am ready to get back to my old happy- go-lucky self. Thank you so very much for your encouragement. All of you are helping me so much here.