batchel9

Any of you that have read my previous posts know the downs. AH is angry, mean, nasty. Drinks with kids, makes bad decisions, etc.

Now he seems on an "up" and I'm trying not to get sucked in. He quit his well paying job that he hated for a lower paying job with no benefits and has opted to go back to school to get his masters degree to be a physicians assistant you guys.

He hasn't been drinking, but also hasn't been doing sh*t towards recovery. He's happy. Hes nice. He's excited about his future. He's being a great dad. This is more the guy I thought I was marrying so it's hard not to get sucked in and start questioning divorce and separation, etc.

My rational side knows he is a ticking time bomb. I see that he's not doing anything for alcohol and know he's white knuckling it. I know going back would be a mistake because I would end up in the same spot.

My emotional side starts wondering all over again. Maybe him getting to a bettter spot in life is truly what he needed. I see the family I always pictured functioning and good and think "why did I think it was bad enough to leave again?". My heart strings get tugged and I get sad.

Sometimes I just selfishly wish he was a raging alcoholic all of the time so my path forward would remain clear. I don't really want that for my kids sake, but the ups and downs are exhausting.

hopeful4

It's actions....over the course of a very long time.

dandylion

batchel.......I am a Physician Assistant. One thing that he may not be aware of, at this point....is that drinking can ruin a career as a physician assistant. One DUI, for instance, can get a license revoked. The rules are very strict.
If he is to continue to pursue this avenue, he would do well to commit to lifelong abstainence. It is so easy to put in all that very hard work and have it go down the drain with one bad decision......

I hate to sound so negative....but, I have seen it happen to others....

AnvilheadII

let's see - his wife and children left him. he quit the good paying job for a lower paying job with i presume less responsibilities and now he is going to GO BACK TO SCHOOL! so he can be a 40 year old physician's assistant. PA degrees take two YEARS assuming you have your bachelor's and required prerequisites.

so no wife to nag at me. CHECK
no kids interrupting me. CHECK.
no JOB expecting me to perform. CHECK.
a two year course to complete before anyone expects anything of me because of it, that i can probably stretch out to three. CHECK.

he was PASSED OUT DRUNK when he had the children two WEEKS ago. you keep saying he's a "great dad" and i think your own nomenclature is hanging you up. even half-azzed dad's aren't passed out drunk in the MORNING with a 2 and 5 year old in the house.

again, it's been TWO WEEKS since that event. he isn't all POOF mr. wonderful in that time. it doesn't work that way.

he's "happy" cuz he has virtually ZERO responsibilities now. and you are already lapping up his ACT like a kitten to a bowl of warm milk.

keep a calendar close by, one that shows past and futures months and keep that date, 7/24 was it, circled in RED. and when it gets to be 7/24/2018 and IF in that time he has remained 100% sober, no slips, wiggles, wobbles or whoopsies, and IF he has been contrite and respectful, and IF he has provided money for the children, and IF he submits to any requests to prove his sobriety - blow n go, breathalyzer, sober link - and IF he does not try to MAKE you change your mind, but gives you space and respect....then maybe you can take another look.

batchel9

I know!! He, and everyone else, feed into it so heavily! He's been so unhappy and that is why he drinks. Now he will be happy and truly feel like he is fulfilling his life's purpose so will be great.

I'm like "actually he drinks because he has untreated alcoholism". I know I'm right. Sometimes it just feels like it is mean against the world and it's a cold place.

I'm like...what happens when you get out of the whole honeymoon phase of being a PA and are seeing people with sore throats and runny noses all day and are buried in paperwork? Or are working in an ER and a baby or child dies in your care. How is life going to be then? What have you done to learn how to not drink in those situations? No one listens to me hah.

Ariesagain

One other consideration...I can tell you that getting my two-year AS in veterinary techology was fifty times harder than my other degrees put together...and that includes an MBA. Forty of us started out...14 of us graduated.

The odds that he will last in a program this rigorous are pretty low.

dandylion

batchel.....while we are still dealing with the reality of his plan....
In my class...there were 40 students. I was the only single parent (with three kids)... LOL they said that I was an "experiment", as they had never admitted a single parent with kids, before. They said they were watching to see if I made it!...lol....
Of the married students (a few of them had kids)....only one was still married, by the time that the program was over.
The stress did a job on the marriages.
I was glad that I was single, at the time, because I didn't have a relationship to lose....
Again, I am sorry to have to sound so negative.

I am curious...has he already been accepted into a program?

batchel9

No bother to me if anyone is negative! I'm negative too! The rest of the world just compliments him for "following his dream". Gag.

He has a BS in an unrelated field. He is starting prerequisites this Fall. He won't be able to get into a program for 2 years (until those are done).

He is one of the smartest people I know when he applies himself. He has a short attention span. He likes things and does well when things are interesting. He could do this, but I could also see him getting into the thick of it and not doing well. It will be interesting for sure....

dandylion

and, sadly, batchel...do you think that, perhaps, he has undiagnosed adult ADD/ADHD?
It is not an uncommon situation....
I always wonder that when I see someone who is really bright, creative, etc...but, has trouble reaching t heir goals...or are underachieving for their obvious intelligence....

I am going to go out on another limb, here....If the above is true....such persons do better when they can be physically active (in something they like)...
It might make more sense if he were to study exercise physiology and enter a field where physical training is the focus....
(just a suggestion).....

AnvilheadII

some of us are just determined under-achievers! chronic incompletes riddled with fear of success.

it sounds WAY funner to be "pursuing a dream" and returning to classes, schlepping along with your backpack, Boze headset and Birkenstocks....taking two YEARS to get the pre-reqs out of the way.

Ariesagain

Are these prereqs like organic chemistry and calculus? Or are they fluff classes?

anodes7102

Head, heart and guts. Trust your instincts and yourself and use this more stable time to focus on you and your recovery / journey. At least then you may be in better space to make the right calls on the future. take care

BlownOne

I gotta agree with Anvil on this. He's all bs and no action. And by action I mean putting in the time, work and effort necessary to not just quit drinking, but become a fully functional decent human being.

Westexy

Here's the thing B - He will ultimately be dealt some blows by life again - we all are. If drinking is still his way of coping, everything that goes along with that will transpire. That's one of the things that ultimately helped me make the decision to divorce my AH. What if I get cancer? What if something happens to our child? What if a fire burns our home down? What if I lose my job? Can I expect him to be strong and supportive? Nope. I can expect to find him in front of the computer, drinking vodka out of a huge styrofoam cup, ultimately yelling at me and the kid about everything we did to cause the cancer, the fire, the job loss, etc. Remind yourself of that.

TropicalWinter

I have experienced the same in my medical lab technology program - it is WAY harder than I expected, and WAY harder than my bachelor's ever even THOUGHT about being.

PuzzledHeart

I believe that most Physician Assistant programs require applicants to acquire patient care hours/health care experience BEFORE application. Maybe your AH's previous work experience has already addressed this, but if this hasn't even crossed his mind, to me it's a pretty huge flag. The local college program here requires 200 hours, but I've seen 500.

Maudcat

Hang tough, batchel. This is a blip that may or may not be permanent.
Actions over time are what count, not two weeks of sunniness.
Peace.

batchel9

I keep having to read this thread over and over. AH is still doing "great". Hasn't drank (to my knowledge), doing awesome in school, etc. All of the writing is on the wall however indicating that this isn't over. His recovery meeting attendance has gone to zero. He still gets angry/ frustrated super quick, these classes he is attending will just get harder, he still indicates that he is largely recovered, minimal recognition of the damage his drinking has done in the past, etc.

He just LOVES making himself look great to everyone else and then playing the victim card about how "she wants a divorce and her mind is made up."

We did a shared birthday for my kid yesterday and he just wins over my family. They don't understand why it needs to come to divorce. I'm hanging with them and they do things like give me a hard time over the 2 glasses of wine I had and how AH didn't drink anything. Yeah, today! At this point he has totally mastered not having one of his binges in front of anyone else.

This is so hard.

dandylion

batchel....yes, it is hard. I think you are going to have to place more c onfidence in what you KNOW, rather than the opinions of others who are outside the situation. They are not the ones living with him,,,affected, directly, by his behaviors,,,or, will have to suffer any of the consequences.
On the other hand, you are the one who lives in your own skin 24/7......

Please keep reading the articles from this part of the sticky library.....
here is the link.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Sasha1972

Wow. He can now control himself sufficiently to not get drunk in front of his inlaws for a couple of hours at a children's birthday party. That's a feat which deserves admiration. (Meanwhile the inside-my-head voice is saying "I've spent nearly 50 years not binge-drinking at kids' birthday parties, so where's MY Nobel Peace Prize??").

I am inclined to agree with other posters - don't read much into how he's acting right now. If he's still doing well after he graduates, once he's into a stressful, demanding job without fans who will praise him for managing to not be drunk 24/7, you'll see whether real change has happened.

My ex used the "I drink because I'm unhappy" line over and over. The thing that made him unhappy changed over time; the drinking didn't. So - first he drinks because his wife Sasha is so remote and doesn't "respect" him enough; then he drinks because Sasha left; then he drinks because of "work stress"; then he drinks because he has PTSD from childhood; then he drinks because he has whiplash (seriously); then he drinks because ex-wife #2 is "unsupportive"; then he drinks because he has "anger issues" (which are always improved by alcohol); then he drinks because of horrible divorce from #2; then he drinks because Sasha is a b**** who wants to control his access to Kid; then he drinks because he feels like a woman trapped in a man's body; then he drinks because ... the sun rose in the east. All the while going through every known form of treatment or therapy.

As long as your husband is externalizing responsibility for his drinking, I believe he is not likely to quit for the long term. Your statement "he drinks because he has untreated alcoholism" seems to me to be very accurate.