justired

Ugh. My AH's disease has progressed in the last couple of years to the point he lost a great job in July due to his drinking/using. Now that I look back, I see I was in denial about just how bad it was. After dealing with this stuff for a while, this was pretty much the last straw for me as far as being emotionally in this marriage. Days before, I had found out I was pregnant, and here he is out all night using and does not go to work (even though he knew he was at the limit of absences) and gets fired. He hasn't worked much since then and has contributed nothing to the household. Fortunately, my granny lives with us and has been helping so we don't lose the house. He started outpatient treatment and did not follow through. He went to AA, but has not been for a while. He has been telling me how great it is to be sober and that he'll never go back to the way it used to be. All the while I'm hearing this, I know in my heart he is lying. I've suspected several times he was drinking or using. I've mentioned to him he is acting like he is using, but did not push it cause I know it really doesn't matter what I say, he's gonna do what he's gonna do. I've been working my program and have seen a lot of progress on my part (many, many baby steps).

Fast forward last night. I woke up around midnight and walked down the hall to check the thermostat cause I was uncomfortable. Funny, I was in no way checking on him like I used to do. Anyway, there he is with the back door open letting the dog in. What? We agreed this dog is not to be in the house under any circumstances (another story). Of course, this is a trigger for me cause the only time he lets the dog in is when he is loaded. I say what the heck do you think you're doing? He looks at me and I immediately know he is wasted. Well, I just lost it and started screaming at him. I was so pissed!! Of course, he denied it, but I kept at him (I know, it was not what I should be doing). He finally showed me one of the bottles he had hidden (of course there are certainly more). After a bit more yelling, I got a hold of myself and went back to bed. He followed me in the room and wanted to start the usual quacking that goes on when he is drunk. I remained calm and said a few things about him making his choices and me making mine then said I have to go back to sleep. He tried to suck me into one of his all night BS sessions, but I cut it off. I laid back down, fell asleep and slept til my alarm went off. This was great for me, cause I used to be up all night upset when this type of stuff happened. I got up and went to work.

I'm not surprised this happened cause I've lived with alkies all my life and know how powerful this disease is. I had no illusions he would all of a sudden stop using and become this responsible father and husband so this isn't devastating to me like it could be. I'm just in a tough spot right now. I don't love him anymore and have been emotionally divorced for a while now. I am a jr. college graduate (put myself through school as a single mom and had a 4.0 GPA) and have a great job (for 17 years). I am active with my kids and my church. My oldest kids (12 and 14) are good students, active in church, play sports, and don't get in trouble (knock on wood). We also have a beautiful, healthy two year old boy and are expecting a baby girl in March. I pay all my bills on time and have spotless credit. Etc, etc, etc. Basically, I am a responsible contributing member of society. He is completely the opposite - no job, bad credit, uneducated, irresponsible, been in trouble with the law (still is) and a drunk.

What the hell am I doing??!! I don't love him and he is a total loser. I don't want him to touch me. I have pretty much been going through this pregnancy on my own. He has not gone to dr. appts. or ultrasounds. Makes me sad cause he was really involved when we had our son. This is my second AH and he's even worse than the first (who I still have to deal with, too cause of the kids). I was raised by a single alkie mom (parents divorced when I was three) who died at 52 from her drinking. My dad went on to start and raise a new functional family (but left me behind-geez more to deal with)and has been with his wife for over 30 years. I used to drink (no drugs) but gave it up and haven't looked back. I think my main issue is the kids. Our two year old is just crazy about his dad and so is my 14 year old son. My 14 year old knows about the drinking and still loves his step-dad and would be devastated if we split up. My 12 year old daughter does not get along too good with her step-dad. We are also taking care of my 86 year old granny who sold her house to move in with us so she would not have to be alone and we could help take care of her. She can help with the household bills, but it is so unfair cause she isn't supposed to and didn't have to til AH lost his job. I really want to get a divorce, but still can't decide. I know it is not good for the kids to be around the alkie, but would it be worse for them if we split? I know I am a good role model for them (most of the time), but what kind of message is it sending by me staying with this guy? I guess it could be good or bad depending on how you look at it.

Well, if you're still reading, wow! I'm not looking for advice, just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks.

justired

Gracey

I was in alot of denial.....regarding the situation in my home and the effects it had on my children......things I thought I kept from my kids......I have recently learned that I havent.......my kids picked up alot more than i Knew......

I think if my AH left.......there would be huge changes in my home..........peace, quiet, sense of feeling safe........I dont want my children or myself to live in this chaos anymore.......I have to start making choices for my kids sake and for myslef....I know what I need to do......I have to figure out what is holding me back from taking that last step....

cwohio

justired - sounds like you've answered your own question, but only you can weigh the pros and cons and make the decision. in another thread recently (can't remember now which one) someone listed several questions to ask yourself - why/should we stay.

good luck with whatever you decide and also with your upcoming addition to your household!

hugs - cwohio

BigSis

Hi Justtired -

One thing I've had to do when trying to figure stuff out is compare today's situation to what might happen if it gets WORSE.

For example - when my son was ten, he stole some money from my purse. I was afraid to turn him into the police (even though I knew it would be a good lesson) because I was afraid it would end up on a permanent record. What I had to realize, was what WORSE thing might happen if I didn't turn him in. Perhaps he might begin to realize that taking from others is an easier way than earning money himself? Maybe he would get caught at 16 or 18 and actually go to jail!

So - even though your kids have a good relationship with your AH now, you might try to envision how it might go later.... when your kids are 16 or 18 and start to experiment with drinking and drugs and have such a good example before them. Alcoholism is a disease with a genetic base... the odds are good one or more of your kids will also be struggling later.

If you choose to stay, don't feel guilty! If you choose to leave, don't feel guilty!

Whether you choose to leave or stay, either one is a CHOICE, so you don't start to feel trapped and powerless.

I wish you the best and try to take little bites of reality at a time. If all you can do is feed the kiddos and work, then don't stress over everything else. Most things work out over time.

Sending prayers,

BigSis

StandingStrong

I know you said you didn't really want advice but were just venting. But I just wanted to point out to you the things that jumped out at me the most.
If you don't love this man and you truly believe he's a loser and you have no desire to be with him or be touched by him - what message would that send to your kid's? Not to mention that you, yourself, even brought up the subject of "role models" for your kids as well.
I think that a part of you knows what you truly want to do and what is best for all of you - but it's hard to make a final decision whether that decision is to go or to stay.

I can only hope that whatever decision you make, you find peace with that decision and go on to heal and turn your life towards the better. It sounds like you are in a good position right now (financially) and your posting here also makes me believe that you are wanting to have a good (and better) life.
So I just wanted to send you hugs and support and wish you the best.

Peaches04

Hi justtired - whew...what a mess we find ourselves in! I think you answered your own question too... just pray about it and try to come to peace with your decision. Do what you need to do, for you. I would guess that the major reason you have not asked him to leave yet is guilt...guilt about taking him from your kids, guilt about throwing him out with out a job....that damned guilt!!! I would say that whatever you need to do for you, is best for the kids. You obviously have their best interests at heart, and now you are going to have a new baby - that's a lot of responsibility to have all that and have to worry about the antics of someone using. I agree with Gracey above too - kids know alot more than you think they do. Maybe you could talk to the older one and just explain - maybe go to a counselor and talk to her about the best way to handle the divorce, or leaving, or whatever... I have children too, and I dwelled forever about asking my AH to leave - I finally did ask him too and was 100% at peace. He came back and asked if he could quit now...I guess the prospect of actually losing his family hit home. BUT, I too was concerned I was not in love anymore...but, since he's quit drinking and is my husband again... I found the love again. Anyway, my point is - please don't stay out of guilt. For once in our codie lives - we have got to do the RIGHT thing for US sometimes - whatever that means to you. Be patient and pray and you will come to peace with the right decision - nothing has to be decided until you are ready to decide... hang in there honey! We're all here for you!

jessieandme2003

This was the hardest part for me.

Actually accepting that it was OK to do this big ugly thing - leave a man and want a divorce - because it would be better for ME.

A man I know some didn't want me to marry, yet I insisted I loved him.

#1 I wasn't sure how I would face my family, his family, my daughter, my friends, coworkers. I carried a huge burden of shame and guilt at the prospect.

I was so wrong. Everyone was happy for me after a VERY short adjustment period. After they started to hear what it was like, what I kept hidden.

After a longer while everyone wondered what took so long. Respected that I wanted to make it work and all, but could't help wondering if they would have stayed as long as I did.

I look back now and can't believe I was worried what they'd think.

#2 I also worried I was leaving him out in the cold. I was wrong there too. the guy who simply could not live without me, could not even pay a bill on his own, the guy I thought was so dependent on me he would fall to pieces without me...

... well he would fall to pieces at first, to push my buttons and get me to take him back, and I always did.

But then again I wasn't really ready to let go, I was just doing it to try to force him to change in order to keep me.

When I fianlly realized he would never change for long, I decided I really wanted it over. And you know, he could tell the difference. At first he got drunk and upset and angry, tried to get me to want him back. But as soon as he realized it was not going to happen this time, he found another woman and had a full blown relationship he could use to enable him in just a matter of weeks.

So why again did I think I couldn't do it?

#3 Oh yeah, not wnating to put my daughter through her mom failing a second marriage.

Boy was I was wrong there. She made it very clear, after she was sure I wouldn't take him back again, that she was SO GLAD he was gone. She has been the happiest I've ever scene her this year since its just been she and I. The change is miraculous.

And you know, I am happier too. A lot happier.

Just wanted to share one person's experience. My choice is certainly not the right choice for everyone.

Jen!

That is where I am at, that last step is the hardest, I want out so bad, but don't know if I have the guts, but feel I do. I've gone so far as to see an attorney and borrow the money for the divorce through my Dad so he couldn't say I used our money for it. I don't know what I'm waiting for! I know there is more than this out there, even if I had to be single the rest of my life, it's gotta be better than this. The kids have got to come first, that is what it's all about, my daughter, I gotta get out before I ruin her life.

SJW

You talked about how crazy your son is for his dad. Well, most kids are crazy for candy and pop and lots of other stuff that isn't good for them, and we as moms don't feel a bit guilty about not giving them that stuff. If your husband's lifestyle isn't good for them, don't feel guilty about doing the right thing for them. We can still give our kids candy and pop in moderation, and you're not completely taking their dad away from them by leaving.

It sounds like you've got a handle on the rest of your life. Trust yourself to make the right choice now.

SJW