Does anyone here have a happy ending?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1
Does anyone here have a happy ending?
My boyfriend and I have been together since high school. We then dated through college and recently bought a home. My boyfriend had a long list of nights where he drank too much and acted embarrassingly. His problem with alcohol actually became apparent when he started coming clean about his depression. I didn't know he had depression, but he started talking about suicide. The more he drank the more he became depressed.
He began to binge drink more heavily than ever before, which ended up with a call to the police for a bakeract and two inpatient stays. He has since been participating in an intensive outpatient program. He had 60 days sober but I caught him lying and drinking yesterday.
Even if he wants to get back on the road to recovery, am I enabling him to let him stay here? I take care of everything from responsibilities to the financial aspects. He was told to just focus on himself in the program. I don't want to kick him out when there's hope, but I also don't want to jeapordize my own sanity.
Does anyone have happy endings? I know some alcoholics never get better...
Thanks
He began to binge drink more heavily than ever before, which ended up with a call to the police for a bakeract and two inpatient stays. He has since been participating in an intensive outpatient program. He had 60 days sober but I caught him lying and drinking yesterday.
Even if he wants to get back on the road to recovery, am I enabling him to let him stay here? I take care of everything from responsibilities to the financial aspects. He was told to just focus on himself in the program. I don't want to kick him out when there's hope, but I also don't want to jeapordize my own sanity.
Does anyone have happy endings? I know some alcoholics never get better...
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Sarah.
Welcome to SR.
It sounds like your SO is trying to remain sober, but struggling.
This could go on for some time.
I recommend Al-Anon or some other form of support, group or one on one for you.
To answer the question in your title, yes, many people are successful in giving up drinking.
If you read around this site, you will see them.
That being said, happy ending is a bit of a misnomer.
We don't just say, "I'm done" and thest rest is all unicorns and rainbows.
It's a daily awareness that we just can't drink, and many of us work a recovery plan, like going to AA meetings, or SMART, Refuge Recovery, etc.
All I can tell you is that recovery looks like recovery.
You will know it when you see it in your SO.
From your post, I would say that he isn't there yet.
Only you know how much is enough, and only you can decide to make changes in your life.
Life with an alcohol dependent person isn't easy, and unless that person is committed to sobriety, it isn't going to get any better.
Good luck. Keep coming back.
Welcome to SR.
It sounds like your SO is trying to remain sober, but struggling.
This could go on for some time.
I recommend Al-Anon or some other form of support, group or one on one for you.
To answer the question in your title, yes, many people are successful in giving up drinking.
If you read around this site, you will see them.
That being said, happy ending is a bit of a misnomer.
We don't just say, "I'm done" and thest rest is all unicorns and rainbows.
It's a daily awareness that we just can't drink, and many of us work a recovery plan, like going to AA meetings, or SMART, Refuge Recovery, etc.
All I can tell you is that recovery looks like recovery.
You will know it when you see it in your SO.
From your post, I would say that he isn't there yet.
Only you know how much is enough, and only you can decide to make changes in your life.
Life with an alcohol dependent person isn't easy, and unless that person is committed to sobriety, it isn't going to get any better.
Good luck. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When I became aware of substance abuse with a loved one all my thoughts, focus and energy were on them getting clean/sober. My belief was in them going to rehab to get better, then attending meetings to gain support in helping them remain clean/sober and THAN everything would work out and be ok.
My reality did not include a great deal of knowledge regarding addiction and the disease. I was stuck in thinking at the moment, fixing the current crisis and how to get us both through it. It was hard thinking down the road and what life with an A really would meant while I was stuck in crisis mode.
Al-anon and coming here to SR helped me a great deal. There were a number of years where he and I both worked our programs and life was great with a positive future ahead of us. But that changed on a dime the moment he decided not to work his program and made the decision to use prescription drugs again. For us it was years filled with clean up then relapse then clean up then relapse, that was no way to live but I was stuck in my thinking of “this time he’ll really do it” until I had to face the reality that this would be my life with this A and I chose not to continue living my life that way.
As for enabling him while he works his program, keep in mind he’ll have to work that program every single day for the rest of his life. He will have to make a commitment each and every single day not to drink and do whatever he has to do to bring that about. It’s not like a broken leg that needs 6-12 weeks to heal before life begins to get back to normal. Addiction has a whole normal all of its own where we adjust to the abnormal which sadly becomes our normal.
Check out al-anon, seek some counseling with an addiction specialist and gain knowledge so that you have FACTS to make future decisions on.
My reality did not include a great deal of knowledge regarding addiction and the disease. I was stuck in thinking at the moment, fixing the current crisis and how to get us both through it. It was hard thinking down the road and what life with an A really would meant while I was stuck in crisis mode.
Al-anon and coming here to SR helped me a great deal. There were a number of years where he and I both worked our programs and life was great with a positive future ahead of us. But that changed on a dime the moment he decided not to work his program and made the decision to use prescription drugs again. For us it was years filled with clean up then relapse then clean up then relapse, that was no way to live but I was stuck in my thinking of “this time he’ll really do it” until I had to face the reality that this would be my life with this A and I chose not to continue living my life that way.
As for enabling him while he works his program, keep in mind he’ll have to work that program every single day for the rest of his life. He will have to make a commitment each and every single day not to drink and do whatever he has to do to bring that about. It’s not like a broken leg that needs 6-12 weeks to heal before life begins to get back to normal. Addiction has a whole normal all of its own where we adjust to the abnormal which sadly becomes our normal.
Check out al-anon, seek some counseling with an addiction specialist and gain knowledge so that you have FACTS to make future decisions on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
There are a LOT of happy endings in the thread linked to below.
However, "happy ending" does not necessarily mean "my spouse/partner got sober and we lived happily ever after."
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
However, "happy ending" does not necessarily mean "my spouse/partner got sober and we lived happily ever after."
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I take care of everything from responsibilities to the financial aspects.
this part is always tricky when living with an alcoholic. they aren't exactly know for being Responsible, Stable or TrustWorthy. And if we share a household, bills, and finances, letting them experience the consequences of their poor choices and decision making can adversely impact us. I personally have a real problem with allowing anyone to threaten my financial security.
however, that doesn't mean that they get a pass either for being drunk OR for getting sober. the world doesn't stop because one decides to stop drinking. yes it's a GOOD thing and bravo for the choice - but life goes on. addicts are good at manipulating the recovery angle just as they were the drinking angle. oh no, i couldn't possibly: work, watch the kids, mow the yard, walk the dog, cook, do dishes, put the dirty clothes IN the clothes basket, do the grocery shopping, or in any way CONTRIBUTE cuz i'm recovering.
this part is always tricky when living with an alcoholic. they aren't exactly know for being Responsible, Stable or TrustWorthy. And if we share a household, bills, and finances, letting them experience the consequences of their poor choices and decision making can adversely impact us. I personally have a real problem with allowing anyone to threaten my financial security.
however, that doesn't mean that they get a pass either for being drunk OR for getting sober. the world doesn't stop because one decides to stop drinking. yes it's a GOOD thing and bravo for the choice - but life goes on. addicts are good at manipulating the recovery angle just as they were the drinking angle. oh no, i couldn't possibly: work, watch the kids, mow the yard, walk the dog, cook, do dishes, put the dirty clothes IN the clothes basket, do the grocery shopping, or in any way CONTRIBUTE cuz i'm recovering.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I agree with what Maudcat posted.
Most definitely there are lots of success stories, and remember many people never enter a forum to share their experiences. I also think family tend to post more when things are not going well, instead of when things are good.
It sounds like your BF has been self medicating, and you didnt say but I hope he is getting help with the underlying issue of depression and what may lie beneath it. The Baker Act benefited him and that is great! Change and healing take time, and progress doesnt always go in a straight line, but if things go sideways again you will know over time. A slip can be a teaching lesson if its handled correctly by your BF.
No, I dont think you are enabling him by allowing him to live there. Ive heard it said many times people are told to focus only on their recovery or treatment. It doesnt necessarily mean they must, or even can let every other aspect of their life be put on hold. In my opinion, If he makes progress, then he should slowly begin to return to a more normal role in the home.
BUT, I think you also have to watch how it affects you, and how it affects your relationship. You have to keep yourself emotionally and physically healthy, and carrying a large load can cause burnout pretty quickly. I think you will know instinctively if he could be doing certain things at home without too much stress or difficulty. You may have to speak up at some point and make your feelings clear.
Most definitely there are lots of success stories, and remember many people never enter a forum to share their experiences. I also think family tend to post more when things are not going well, instead of when things are good.
It sounds like your BF has been self medicating, and you didnt say but I hope he is getting help with the underlying issue of depression and what may lie beneath it. The Baker Act benefited him and that is great! Change and healing take time, and progress doesnt always go in a straight line, but if things go sideways again you will know over time. A slip can be a teaching lesson if its handled correctly by your BF.
No, I dont think you are enabling him by allowing him to live there. Ive heard it said many times people are told to focus only on their recovery or treatment. It doesnt necessarily mean they must, or even can let every other aspect of their life be put on hold. In my opinion, If he makes progress, then he should slowly begin to return to a more normal role in the home.
BUT, I think you also have to watch how it affects you, and how it affects your relationship. You have to keep yourself emotionally and physically healthy, and carrying a large load can cause burnout pretty quickly. I think you will know instinctively if he could be doing certain things at home without too much stress or difficulty. You may have to speak up at some point and make your feelings clear.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"He was told to just focus on himself in the program.'
me,too.
and part of that was learning what my resposnibilities as an adult were and take care of them.
focusing on myself did NOT mean avoid my responsibilites.
me,too.
and part of that was learning what my resposnibilities as an adult were and take care of them.
focusing on myself did NOT mean avoid my responsibilites.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
"He was told to just focus on himself in the program.'
me,too.
and part of that was learning what my resposnibilities as an adult were and take care of them.
focusing on myself did NOT mean avoid my responsibilites.
me,too.
and part of that was learning what my resposnibilities as an adult were and take care of them.
focusing on myself did NOT mean avoid my responsibilites.
After that, though, I needed to start learning what WAS my responsibility, and man, there was plenty to learn on that topic too. I resisted a lot, didn't want to look at the parts I found shameful or ugly or that made me feel stupid or selfish or controlling, didn't want to confront my mistakes, b/c I didn't know a USEFUL way to do these things. All I knew how to do was beat myself up for my perceived shortcomings. Gradually I am learning how to be gentler with myself (and others). I'm learning that I (and others) did the best I could with what I knew at the time, and that as I learn better, I do indeed do better, at least much of the time...
It's all a work in progress. And so long as we keep working, keep opening up, keep learning, I believe we are all success stories.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I got a happy, not ending, but beginning. It happened when I realized that my happiness did not have to be connected to how other people felt or behaved.
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