prsm

hi everyone. i am not new to the program but recently had an encounter that makes me wonder.

I met a man I was very attracted to , but realized very early on he drank like a fish. He works hard and has a lot going for him, but being the codependent I am, I am pretty sure it would just be going down the same path I've been through before.
So i said, "I don't think I can keep up with your drinking lifestyle" as politely as I could. I thought it was keeping my voice without condemning him for his choices. Later on, he defended his beer drinking as it is part of whom he is, part of his working world.

This is not the first time I have tried to be very nice in what I was saying that I can't deal with alcoholism to a potential lover, and they have always gotten really defensive or mad.

Was that too vague a statement to convey that I can't stick around if they are going to drink like that? Why did they get mad?

Berrybean

I think most alcoholics / problem drinkers are very quick to get defensive about their drinking, after all they spend their entire life rationalizing it in their head so it's nice when they get a chance to flap their ideas around a little.

(I am speaking as one who used to be quick to defend her 'drinking life style' otherwise known as my 'hectic social life'.)

BB

anodes7102

You can't make people change unless they want to. If they change to try to please you they will form resentment. As a fellow codependent going through separation issues I suggest follow the head, heart and guts rule and don't ignore the red flashing light.

All the best

tomsteve

"Was that too vague a statement to convey that I can't stick around if they are going to drink like that? "
reads to me like ya did good.


"Why did they get mad?"
denial. alkies dont want to admit its a problem and usually make excuses-
it is part of whom he is, part of his working world- for it

which this reply is true- mass consumption is part of the alcoholic and every part of their world

nez

Most people in general don't respond too well to uninvited inventory, no matter how vague or well intended.

prsm

I appreciate your candor. what would be a better way to express that as much as I may like them, i don't believe i can deal with their alcoholism?

Mango blast

Walk away.

No need to say why.

Then look inside yourself, look at healthy relationships and start asking questions about what makes healthy relationships....

I thought I HAD healthy, loving relationships in my life. I had no idea they were emotionally and psychologically abusive. Now that I've had time to really work on what makes me tick, I'm wanting completely different things from my life.

Mango blast

PS -

Alcoholics are, to me, dynamic, fun and interesting. I'm drawn to the alcoholic like they're drawn to alcohol. After a lot of me-work, I'm finally finding healthy people who are even more interesting to me... friends, co-workers, Ala-friends, etc.

atalose

You really do not know if he is an alcoholic or not, but his drinking did trigger you so that makes you and him incompatible. So maybe instead you could have said something along the lines of; your life style and mine do not mix, it was a pleasure to meet you and I wish you well but this is not going to work for me.

BlownOne

Later on, he defended his beer drinking as it is part of whom he is, part of his working world.

You can't make that up. Sounds like something I would have said at one time. It's amazing the mental acrobatics we alcoholics will go thru to justify our drinking.

nez

Pretty much this
Politely refuse his social invitations with a simple no. What motive would spur you to offer why?

If he wants to know why, then you can disclose your reasons.

If he does want to know why, a simple "I have issues with your drinking". It is non-finger pointing and the focus is on "I" not "you".

AnvilheadII

So i said, "I don't think I can keep up with your drinking lifestyle" as politely as I could. I thought it was keeping my voice without condemning him for his choices. Later on, he defended his beer drinking as it is part of whom he is, part of his working world.

were you just making a statement about his drinking OR were you saying that you would no longer date him?

alanon has a saying - say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean.

if you have decided that someone is no longer further dating material, just say so, no need to beat around the bush or be obtuse. you don't owe the other person a REASON - be it stinky feet or the fact they don't like pets.

your observations about his drinking are just that. best just to leave him as you found him and move on.

prsm

well highlighting my inability to say what i mean for fear of hurting their feelings, our previous encounters were where we had no drinks and another where I had drinks with him. For my own sake I thought I needed to at least indicate what my dealbreaker was- his massive consumption of alcohol indicating there may be a problem.

So I thought what I said meant he could do whatever he wants but it didn't mean I would be able to hang with him.

LexieCat

What is it you were trying to accomplish, here? If it was just to give him the reason you were no longer going to date him, you accomplished that. If it was to get him to agree with you or to say, "sure, I understand, no hard feelings," then I'd say the problem isn't what you said, but how an alcoholic responds to someone pointing out their drinking problem.

Your dealbreaker happened, you politely said why you didn't want to date him. Mission accomplished, it seems to me. You're the one holding onto this.

honeypig

I think, prsm, that he took offense, rather than you giving offense. The fact that he became defensive about his drinking would seem to me to confirm that you made the best decision for yourself by deciding to not see him any more.

As others have said here many, many times--dating is a time to get to know each other and to decide whether each party wants to continue the relationship. You know what? That was a revelation to me! I had always, always jumped in w/both feet. The only thing I needed to get deeply involved w/someone was that they'd shown an interest in me. "Oh, you want to go out to a movie? Why don't we just move in together instead?"

That is a slight exaggeration, but only slight...

So I think the point here is that you have every right to say "it's been nice meeting you, but I don't feel like we're a good fit" and end things right there. No need for rudeness, but no need to explain or justify either. Especially after only a handful of dates like that...there really should be no expectations on either side so soon, it seems to me.

tomsteve

i like what anvillhead posted- say what ya mean,mean what ya say, but dont say it mean.
however, there are occasions where it doesnt matter how nice ya say it, an alcoholic will get angry.

theres another saying:
honesty without compassion is brutality.
even then i could take something compassionate and twist it and turn in and get angry about it.

THEN there was when i was all jacked up and honesty with brutality was compassionate as THAT was the only way to get "it" through my thick skull and layers and layers of denial.

it doenst matter how or what ya say- if ya say something to someone and their feelings get hurt, thats on them.
sometimes the cold hard truth hurts no matter how its said.
reads like ya could use some work on getting a backbone.
they are nice to have.

prsm

well i am well aware of that. i once told my counselor i was deep down inside a jellyfish. he didn't believe me.

so how do you work on getting a backbone other than practicing on turning down alcoholics on dates??

dandylion

prsm....if you tell the truth (not in a mean way)....his reaction is up to HIM. He is responsible for his feelings and how he deals with them....that is on his side of the street.
You are responsible for being true to your self and being honest in your relationships with others. That is on your side of the street. You don't have to be a people pleaser....

The dating game requires honesty. If he can't handle the honesty,,,then he probably shouldn't be dating....he should be working on himself...lol.....
Same for you, as a matter of fact...if you can't tell the truth for fear of hurting someone's feelings.....then, you aren't ready for the it, either.....you may need some more work....

The dating game is about saying yes or no. If you go fishing...you have to be able to throw some of the fish back.....

Look at it this way: It is either, hurting his feelings (if that is the way he takes it)....OR....he will end up mopping the kitchen floor with your heart....
Which one do you choose?

aliciagr

I think you were being honest and didnt say anything wrong, but I mean basically in a nice way you were saying "your lifestyle isnt for me" Who knows what else he heard.. how many other women have commented on his behaviors ?

When I was dating, one thing I did.. which is a little bit of a cliche.. the its me and not you.. is being clear on what I wanted, what types of things I enjoyed and how I wanted a partner with the same types of interest. I dont like to fish, I dont want to be a football widow, I dont want to hang out at bars. I like to leave the party early before people get drunk.

It becomes fairly clear when things just dont line up. Usually they grasp it pretty quickly too. And its not saying they are bad or wrong. Nope, it was about me. Heck they could silently think to themselves - shes boring and has too many stupid likes and dislikes. Ok by me if it made them feel better.. But clearly stating what I wanted, helped me weed out the ones I knew were not right for me long term.

cocokramer

"It's not you, it's me."

Age old back off line, lol.