NatashaRose

So it was a year of randomly disappearing for days at a time because his new friends from work like music just as much as him... but what it was, was him getting really really intoxicated... he'd just not come home from work and i would hear nothing from him for 2 days and then he shows up back home as i should be happy and he did no wrong... we have 2 small boys together plus i have one from a previous relationship and he has one also from previous relationship... he kept disappearing more often and i was left to take care of 4 kids alone. His disappearing act came more and more and more to where he was gone more than here. He be drunk when here also.
It was getting worsw and worse to the point it was so toxic for me...
The feeling of abandonment... the sadness of feeling he didnt love me.. i did something for him not wanting to be home... i never realized it was an alcohol addiction or anything about addiction either... niave i guess... but over the last 2 months i realized... and now hes been gone a month... a month of no money for kids... a month of him making no effort to see kids... a month of him running away from the people that love him the most... its so screwed up to me... the how could you??? Why wouldn't you get help?? What about your kids?? Arnt they worth it??
Its shocking... before this last year he was so wonderful... then gone... hes a different person and the lies... its just... what... the... f#@k.... how... when...why...
Ive been educating myself about it all and understand the codependent stuff and his disease is this way.. still for myself the hiw could yous wont let go in my mind...

FeelingGreat

Hi Natasha, I feel for you and the terrible time you're going through, and also for the kids. Is his kid still with you? Alcohol or not, his behaviour is completely irresponsible and callous. Although you're left behind, coping, you're the lucky one, because you'll be able to look back and be proud of yourself.

From a practical angle, you'll need to get the support flowing to pay the bills and keep food on the table. Can you put together a list of things you'll need to do? It could go (assuming you don't have savings):
Legal Aid or other support options to force him to pay child support
Support from your friends and family, and if they are around and sympathetic, his family. Grandparents etc. This can be as simple as child-minding.
The status of his child. Is he/she living with you? The mother?
Do you have secure accomodation, as in can you stay where you are?
Emotional support, maybe a counselling service. Al-anon is for the family of As and many people here have found it a huge help.

Google is your friend here, for looking up the options and services in your area. I know your grief is dominating now, but doing some of these practical steps will help you regain some power over your life.

Maudcat

So sorry for your situation, NatashaRose, but glad you found us here at SR.
Do you have family support? Could help.

NatashaRose

I have his mother for help (with shopping and such because i do not drive)
I have a few friends i can call up to vent to. But everyone is busy all the time.
His daughter lives with her mother but comes here often. Her mother and i have become very close over the years. Shes a great friend. I take his daughter still but only for her to come play with siblings and because i love her and this isnt her fault. I do it for her, myself and to help her mother out while she works or needs a sitter... not for him..
I figured out too that he shows up here after being gone many days to show back up its supposed to be his weekend with her. So noticing trend, i told him i would not be taking her here for him to stop using me and whenever he wants to see his daughter to contact her mother to make plans... he was mad and i was the bad guy (of course) her mother agrees with me and understands and is proud of me for taking some control back in my life..
I checked for al anon in my home town and there is not one here...

AnvilheadII

i know you are new.....and i hate to say this, but it sounds like drugs are involved. the 2-3 day disappearing acts - classic crack/coke/meth use.

regardless, his behavior is unacceptable. once you have children, they aren't optional - you don't get to just go off and leave them behind, not provide for them, care for them, protect them.

it has nothing to do with YOU. he's caught up in the "fun" and "excitement" and addiction of it all.

you must protect your finances. do not assume he will just snap out of this and be THAT guy again. it's time to make some tough choices. he cannot be allowed to control your life like this.....you must take charge, even if it seems you cannot. things like this don't get better....they get worse, way worse.

honeypig

Natasha, Alanon has online and phone meetings too as well as email circles. In my opinion, they are not as good as f2f meetings, but they are an option if you have nothing near you.

Also, the Alanon web site offers many clips that you can listen to, and there is a ton of Alanon literature available at Amazon for very reasonable prices for the used books. Any of these can be helpful also. For me, Alanon and SR were a good combo, and you may find the same.

FeelingGreat

Hi Natasha, so glad you have at least 2 supportive women on your side, even if they are his mother and ex. I completely understand about his daughter coming over.
Now that you've talked to him, have you raised the matter of money? Is he working and outright refusing any financial support? Anvilhead is right about you needing to protect your finances, even if it does make him mad. If anger is involved it should be directed towards him for abandoning you.
Basically any righteous indignation he's turning on you is just plain nonsense. He might not like being cornered, but we don't get to walk out on our children without consequences. You may be holding off in the hope he'll come home, but your head needs to rule your heart.