I recently broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend

Old 07-28-2017, 04:38 PM
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Unhappy I recently broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend

I found this forum while doing an online search and it seems I am not alone. I found it very insightful and I would like to tell my story. I apologize in advance if it is long winded.

I recently ended a 9 month relationship with an alcoholic. We hit it off from the beginning. There was such a connection, we had tons in common and had a great time together. He was so sweet and caring and thoughtful. He was everything I ever wanted.

About 3 months into our relationship I started to realize he had a problem with alcohol. It was around Christmas time and he was visiting a friend. He called me completely trashed and asked me to pick him up. Before I could get my shoes on he was already in the car and driving. I told him to pull over and I would come and get him. Instead he continued driving. I told him I would not talk to him while he was driving but he kept calling. He started screaming at me that I didn't care about him, if I did I would have come to get him, I would search for him, and then he started saying the meanest nastiest things to me. Thankfully he made it home safe but I was left feeling scared, confused and hurt.

The next day he knew I was mad at him but didn't know why. I told him what happened and he apologized and said someone brought a bottle of Jack Daniels and that is why he got like that. He didn't mean anything he said and said it would never happen again.

He continued to drink his normal drinks and I started tracking it about 6 months into our relationship. He would drink 3-4 times a week and wouldn't go for more that 3-4 days without drinking. I told him I couldn't handle it and he said he didn't want to lose me because of it so he would cut back. I didn't know anything about alcoholism so I agreed. Things steadily declined and he treated me worse and worse. He went from being everything I ever wanted to everything I didn't want.

One night we went to a game night at his friends house. We were having a great time, laughed till we cried and he was so lovable. He started getting sloppy and I needed to get home to take my animals out. I hadn't had a drop of alcohol and I was tired and disgusted. I found out he was not only drinking beer & shots but also vodka. The night ended in a 3 hour nightmare. He manhandled me, screamed at me, kept trying to grab the wheel while I was driving, wouldn't let me leave his house, etc. I finally got out of there and promptly ended the relationship.

I still loved him so when he begged me to forgive him & promised to quit drinking I gave him another chance and then another and another. He never quit and would sneak and hide alcohol. I had to block him so he wouldn't harass me but he has sent me emails apologizing, admitting to having a problem and making excuses so he didn't have to quit. He tells me he needs me to get better and that he means it this time. I want to believe him. I know in my head I can't but my heart still has hope.
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Old 07-28-2017, 06:48 PM
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Hi, minnie, and welcome to SR. I'm glad you found your way here, and I hope you find education, inspiration and support.

He tells me he needs me to get better
So not true. HE is the only one who can provide the desire and effort.

I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum. I think when you've done so, you'll feel a LOT less alone and you'll have a different perspective on what's really going on.

Again, glad you found us here. I hope you keep reading and posting.
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Old 07-29-2017, 04:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Minnie973 View Post
He tells me he needs me to get better and that he means it this time. I want to believe him.
He must get sober on his own, and because he desperately wants it for himself. As a sober A I know that sobriety only clicks when you become disgusted with yourself and determined to take back your life.

It's very disturbing to hear that he's laid hands on you, abused you and acted dangerously while drunk. If that doesn't do it for him then I wouldn't count on him recovering any time soon.

Actions speak louder than words. You know he'll say whatever it takes to suck you in again. If he's sincere he'll stop drinking on his own and stay sober for a significant time. He might even develop shame about how he's treated you.

He's put you in real danger in the past. Please think about this carefully.
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Old 07-29-2017, 05:30 AM
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Welcome Minnie. I'm so glad you found us.

When I left my qualifier (the addict/alcoholic in my life), he told me I was being selfish. I responded that I was being as selfish as I possibly could be. It took me a long time to come to this point of realizing selfishness could be a constructive thing.

It sounds like you have a grasp of this kind of life-saving, constructive selfishness.

I hope you are healing and growing.
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Old 07-29-2017, 08:46 AM
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Thank you so much for your insight. I am trying to stay strong and only have limited contact with him via email. I consider myself a smart woman and I am disgusted with myself that I stayed in the relationship for as long as I did. However, after reading others posts I am happy I got out before we were living together or married. It is so clear when you are on the outside but so unclear when you are in the situation. I have dealt with a lot in my life but this is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. Knowing the person you love is in there somewhere but not being able to reach them. Not knowing if he is just going to move on and leave me alone or if he is going to get drunk and show up at my house. I saw his car at the bar yesterday and felt a mixture of sadness, disgust and anger. I am looking forward to hearing everyone's comments as I hope they will help me to heal and move on.
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Old 07-29-2017, 09:33 AM
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i cant count how many times i i'm sorried, i promised, i wont, im going to change, it wont happen again, im getting help, and how many other phrases when the heat was on.
the heat turned down and i was back at it.
i am thoroughly convinced that the best move any woman i was in a relationship ever made was to toss me to the curb- best move for themselves.
i was only going to drag them down with me.
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Old 07-29-2017, 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Minnie973 View Post
I consider myself a smart woman and I am disgusted with myself that I stayed in the relationship for as long as I did.
I could write that exact sentence. I was in the relationship for four years. In the 70s. Dumping him was the best thing I ever did although I'm still disgusted it took four years. Like you I'm grateful we never married. Our wedding was six weeks away when he "had a few beers" after over a year of sobriety. I ended it the next day.
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Old 07-30-2017, 02:18 PM
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Thanks tomsteve. If you don't mind I would like to pick your brain to try and get a deeper understanding of the thought process.

Did you blame your exes for your drinking? For instance: I asked my ex one day if he was going to be drinking that night. He got mad and said he hadn't planned on it but now He was going to. One of many examples.

Did you blame your exes for the breakdown of the relationship? For instance: After my 3 hour nightmare along with everything else happening with my exes drinking I was very hurt and angry. He would tell me that the reason things weren't going well was because of my attitude. He would blame my friends and told me they were manipulating me and that I was their puppet. And on and on.

When your exes ended the relationship were you hurt or angry? I have a feeling my ex is telling all of his friends bad things about me to make it look like I am a horrible person and so they will feel bad for him.

If there are any other things you can think of that might shed light on the situation I would like to hear them.

Thank you.
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Old 07-30-2017, 02:39 PM
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Minnie....I have never had to break up with an alcoholic, myself...but, I can try to "shed this much light"------blame shifting is very common...almost universal...with active alcoholics. It is necessary for them to to do this to protect their drinking behaviors. If they took full responsibility for their actions...they wouldn't be able to stand it---because the only logical thing would be to stop drinking---which feels like a death sentence to a person who can't function without it.
If they couldn't blame others, they would have to face up to themselves.
This is not a viable option for them.
They MUST believe that the fault lies outside of themselves---like, on you.
This is all a part of the "alcoholic thinking" and the denial that goes along with the disease.
What he is doing is a part of the disease. He is being controlled, right now, by the disease...and, the disease doesn't care a twit about your welfare...not his, either,for that matter....It destroys the person and all of those who are close to the alcoholic if they let it....
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Old 07-30-2017, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
If they took full responsibility for their actions...they wouldn't be able to stand it---because the only logical thing would be to stop drinking---which feels like a death sentence to a person who can't function without it.
Well, this is logical thinking, but all alcoholics don't think this way. It's typical of many to blame shift, but not all. The A in my life takes full responsibility - has never been to AA or counseling, he just knows full well that heavy drinking is his choice and "in his genes." My A blames no one for his drinking and still drinks a lot. The way he deals with it is by hating himself outright. He said so to me last night. "I hate myself all the time. This is no ones fault but mine." Personally, I have no idea how someone lives hating themselves, but this is how he copes.
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Old 07-31-2017, 07:47 AM
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Knowing the person you love is in there somewhere but not being able to reach them.
What person? You make it sound as if there was someone else other than the alcoholic you dated for 9 months. He’s doing and saying all the things alcoholics say, it’s your fault he drinks, it’s your fault he can’t get sober, it’s your fault for not supporting him- bla- bla- bla. His issue of drinking was there long before you came along and will be there long after you have moved on.

You want a deeper understanding of his thought process but I think it’s your own though process that needs analyzing. 3 months into dating someone who shows you that they have a drinking issue, who shows you anger when questioned about his drinking yet you stayed around. At 6 months into dating things declined even further to the point that he became everything you didn’t want, yet you stayed around? Those staying around questions are what you need to work through, your whys so that you do not repeat picking the addictive person again to date and what all of those red flags in dating mean so that you end things at the moment they pop up.
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Old 08-01-2017, 07:41 AM
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Hello atalose,

While I can appreciate what you are saying let me ask - have you ever been in this situation? If you haven't then you cannot appreciate the dynamics of it. I have known people in similar situations and it is very easy to say these things when you haven't experience them yourself. Yes the person is an alcoholic and has acted badly but the relationship wasn't all bad. I fell in love with the sober part of him. If he didn't have a drinking problem I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I gave him numerous chances because I had hope he would get help and become sober. I wanted to believe what he was saying.
It took a while to come to terms with the fact that his actions were not matching his words and that I could not continue to be with him if he continued to drink.
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Minnie973 View Post
Hello atalose,

While I can appreciate what you are saying let me ask - have you ever been in this situation? If you haven't then you cannot appreciate the dynamics of it.
I'd venture to say over 90 percent of the people on this forum have been in this situation. One of the typical responses new people here have is the sense that their situation is unique. No other alcoholic is as special as theirs, no love is as special as theirs.

If you open your mind just a bit, you will see that we have more in common than we have differences. As long as you insist on seeing your situation or alcoholic or self as being unique you will be resistant to the collective wisdom of the members of this forum, which means you won't enjoy the maximum benefit of SR.
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:24 AM
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While I can appreciate what you are saying let me ask - have you ever been in this situation?
Minnie--it's pretty safe to say that EVERYONE here has been in this situation. We ALL had "good parts" in our relationships. We ALL wanted our A's to become "the person we knew they could be." Your thread is nothing out of the ordinary for a newcomer in terms of how you feel and what you are experiencing.

Actually, your feeling that your situation is somehow unique and special isn't even unusual--in fact, it's so common that there is a term for it, "terminal uniqueness." You can google it if you've not come across it before.

Know what else isn't unique? Your resistance to the idea that YOUR OWN thought process might need some revamping. I know I sure resisted that idea! Dammit, I was not the alcoholic, I was not the one who lied again and again, I DID NOT HAVE A PROBLEM, HE DID!!! (stomping feet for emphasis)

Ahem...I turned out to be wrong. Waaaaaay wrong. Nope, I didn't cause the drinking problem, but I sure had participated in the issues, right up to my elbows. It takes a while to understand this, and I know I was really mad for quite some time at any insinuation that somehow I was part of the problem.

What I think atalose is saying is that someone who is healthy would never have stuck around when someone who she'd only been with for 3 months made it clear that he had a drinking problem he was NOT interested in addressing. A healthy person would have said "OK, see ya" and moved on. A less healthy one sticks around and starts counting drinks, to see if she can somehow control that person and his drinking. A less healthy one puts up with "manhandling"--do you see what I'm saying? ANY of the dangerous behaviors you mention would be a huge red flag and a sign to move on to someone w/healthy boundaries. The simple fact that you stayed indicates some problems with your own thought processes that certainly can lead you to repeat this pattern again and again if you don't come to grips w/those problems and change your OWN behaviors and mindset.

Are you doing anything for your own recovery and continuing education, like Alanon, therapy w/someone who has experience w/alcoholism, reading widely here at SR, and/or reading books from the reading suggestions in the stickies? All of those things can help you NOT find yourself in this situation again--I'm glad you're here, but I do NOT want to see you here again in a year or two, typing the same post about ANOTHER A!!
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:34 AM
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While I can appreciate what you are saying let me ask - have you ever been in this situation?
Why YES, YES I have, spent 13 years in that situation waiting/hoping for someone else to change.

I understand that this situation is unique and new to you but not to many of us here on SR. Sadly almost daily someone like you shows up here with their story, the same story many of us here on SR have heard a million times. We know how it ends; it’s basically the same script with different characters playing the roles.

The scars we share become lighthouses for other people who are headed to the same rocks we hit.
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Minnie973 View Post
I fell in love with the sober part of him. If he didn't have a drinking problem I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

Everyone else pretty well nailed the terminal uniqueness part, but I'm going to add something you really aren't going to like.

There IS no "sober part" of him to fall in love with, which is another thing so many of us struggle to understand. We want to separate the good that we perceive from the bad & call it more than it is.

When you met him he was already deeply into Active Addiction so there was no sober component to speak of - his dry moments between drunk spells are still made up of addict-thinking & behaviors. (dry spells do not equal sobriety)

He isn't showing anyone who he REALLY is - especially himself. How can you know what he can't even define in himself? You've never MET the Sober Him.
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Old 08-01-2017, 10:24 AM
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Minnie....I want to testify as to how really, really, hard it is to move away from a relationship that one has invested themselves into.....Whether it was "good" or bad for you....the separation pain can feel overwhelming....especially at first...
there is one member, on this forum who went through it ...actually, years ago...
and, she says that the remembers the pain as being "psychedelic"! I think that is a good word for it....
One goes through a myriad of emotions---and, I think that the biggest is letting go of the "dream" and the fantasy of what it might have become if the alcoholism hadn't ruined it. It does require a period of actual mourning...which can last from a few weeks/months....
In addition to the sadness, there can be anger, also..anger at the disillusionment and at the person who caused the pain...and, anger at the self for having gotten into the situation....
These are all pretty standard and normal feelings, for the situation.....

I think that a factor, for a lot of people, is that they do not know about the true nature of alcoholism...so, they just apply the things that they have been taught about regular relationships....not knowing that these "rules" don't work in the face of addiction or alcoholism.....who knew?!
There is so much to know about the disease... and the effects that it has on the loved ones, as well.... and, almost no one knows unless they have had a reason to have to be educated on it....

Thankfully, you have been able to get out of it before it got worse for you.....It is really hard for those who have been married for many years and have children and legal/financial entanglements.....

You will get through this part...even if it is slower than you would like....
and, you can come out stronger at the other end...
This is a truly "teachable" opportunity for you ...even in the midst of the mourning and healing....
I suggest that you go to the stickies at the top of the main page---above the threads...go to the one called "Classic Readings"...and start reading and learning. Get a copy of the book that is considered a classic, around here---"Co-dependent No More" and read it from front to back...It is a real eye opener....I think it will really resonate with you.....

Don't beat yourself up....we are all human and subject to our human feelings and emotions....Just forgive yourself...be kind to yourself, and just face the forward direction......
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Old 08-01-2017, 01:26 PM
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Hello honeypig,

I have started counseling and I will be attending a beginners Al-anon meeting soon. I do not want to go through this again. I admit I got defensive with atalose and many comments are hard to hear but I came to this site looking for answers both good and bad. It has been a month since I finally broke up with my "A" (as they seem to be called here) and I think the realization that I have to give up on him is finally hitting me. I guess I thought if he loved me as much as he said he did he would have quit. I am realizing that it is not that easy for them. It is very confusing but the more I read the more I am starting to understand.
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Old 08-01-2017, 01:39 PM
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I think the realization that I have to give up on him is finally hitting me. I guess I thought if he loved me as much as he said he did he would have quit.

you aren't giving UP on him - you are realizing that someone you have been seeing for nine months just isn't gonna work out as a longer term partner. you were still getting to know him. but you'd seen enough.

saying I Love You is one thing - acting that out on a consistent daily basis is quite another. alcoholics SAY a lot of things........but it's what they DO that we have to watch. especially things like:

He manhandled me, screamed at me, kept trying to grab the wheel while I was driving, wouldn't let me leave his house, etc

he was a drinker when you met and had been for a long time. you wren't dealing with a rookie. long term confirmed drinkers/alcoholics do not quit because they find LOVE. they already have their one true love - alcohol. and they will cherish it, protect it, DEFEND it, fight for it, DIE for it.
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Old 08-01-2017, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Minnie973 View Post
Thanks tomsteve. If you don't mind I would like to pick your brain to try and get a deeper understanding of the thought process.

Did you blame your exes for your drinking? For instance: I asked my ex one day if he was going to be drinking that night. He got mad and said he hadn't planned on it but now He was going to. One of many examples.

Did you blame your exes for the breakdown of the relationship? For instance: After my 3 hour nightmare along with everything else happening with my exes drinking I was very hurt and angry. He would tell me that the reason things weren't going well was because of my attitude. He would blame my friends and told me they were manipulating me and that I was their puppet. And on and on.

When your exes ended the relationship were you hurt or angry? I have a feeling my ex is telling all of his friends bad things about me to make it look like I am a horrible person and so they will feel bad for him.

If there are any other things you can think of that might shed light on the situation I would like to hear them.

Thank you.
i can give you some insight on how i was, but im going to say it is probably going to show what others here have been saying- theres no terminally unique alcoholic. when i did get sober, i thought i was quite unique- no one had experienced what i had. mentioned that to a man once. he laughed and said,"7 billion people on this planet at this time. over 100 million of them are alcoholics- and 100 million is probably very conservative- and youre the only one who is like how you are,eh?"
HUH!!!

so, as to
"Did you blame your exes for your drinking?"
i think that would depend on what stage of alcoholism i was at. at one time it wasnt just exes- i blamed EVERYTHING. you named it- it made me drink.

"Did you blame your exes for the breakdown of the relationship? "
again, depends on the stage of alcoholism i was at. earlier on it was ALWAYS their fault.
but as i progressed into alcoholism, i knew it was me. there were a few times i would be quite surprised they stayed around as long as they did.

"When your exes ended the relationship were you hurt or angry?"
that one didnt seem to matter what stage of alcoholism i was at and varied. sometimes i really didnt give a crap and was quite happy they ended it. sometimes i hurt like hell. there was one woman that was a complete angel and had her poop in a group- didnt drink, had her priorities straight, was kind, caring, and compassionate, and didnt allow me to be a drunken ass around her. and i knew deep down inside that the drinking was going to be the end of the relationship, yet no matter how hard i tired, i couldnt not drink.
angry???
ME!?!??! get angry!?!?!?!? nnnnnNNNNAAAAAaaaa.
yeah, its my lie and ill tell it!
yes, i got angry. not after the end of every relationship.theres a book i used to help me get sober and in that book it mentions an alcoholic can have varying trait. and that was me.
but then again, i got angry at a LOT. the common denominator when i got angry- when things didnt go my way.

"If there are any other things you can think of that might shed light on the situation I would like to hear them."


heres where i might rile ya up.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.

minnie, ive been on both sides of the fence, which the codie part i didnt know of or address until after i was a few years sober. what these people are saying here comes from the their experience, and if i didnt know any better, i swear 2 or 10 of them have typed about me!

what they type doesnt only come from experience, it comes from their hearts. they WERE in your shoes and experienced every single feeling and emotion you are or have. they have found solutions and share what they share out of love.

so, one last ramble here:
when i got sober, i was told some things straight up, no sugar coating, and just how it was. them bastaads pizzed me right off!!!
because it was the truth. and they told me what they told me straight up, no sugar coating, and just how it was because they knew THAt was the fastest,easiest way to get it through to me AND because they cared about me. if they didnt care about me they wouldnt have taken the time to do it.
and THAT saved my life( not sayin to go and try it with you A- its best to come from a recovered A)
and the same thing happened when i addressed the codependency- straight up, no sugar coating, and just how it was.
and THAT saved me from God only knows how many more years of gloom,dispair,and agony.
PLUS
what they both did was help me learn more about me and how to love myself.
man, rereading that, i was a quite a wreck!
huh, that explains the crowbar used to pop my head outta my but!
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