I recently broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Minnie, I'm going to post a link to an article here that I also posted in a different thread. It's oriented toward the A side of things, but it certainly can apply to us F&F'ers too:
https://www.hazelden.org/web/public/..._decision.page
The section I think most applicable to some of your posts is this one:
We avoid recovery by studying recovery instead of recovering. We cannot recover from a disease by studying it. We recover from a disease by treating it. I got a phone call from someone who wanted a scientific book on alcoholism for a friend. The friend had a drinking problem, and didn't want "any of this spiritual stuff," but preferred something scientific. I did as I was asked, and gave the name of a good book of science. I then said, "Giving this book will not help. We can no more recover from alcoholism by reading a scholarly book on alcoholism than we can recover from cancer by reading a scholarly book on cancer."
I guess I don't think it's a BAD thing to try to understand the A, but I certainly think you'll get a lot more mileage out of trying to understand YOURSELF....like the quote says, studying recovery doesn't do a heck of a lot towards actually getting real recovery started.
Quote from Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA, and one that I wholeheartedly believe to be true:
“You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.”
https://www.hazelden.org/web/public/..._decision.page
The section I think most applicable to some of your posts is this one:
We avoid recovery by studying recovery instead of recovering. We cannot recover from a disease by studying it. We recover from a disease by treating it. I got a phone call from someone who wanted a scientific book on alcoholism for a friend. The friend had a drinking problem, and didn't want "any of this spiritual stuff," but preferred something scientific. I did as I was asked, and gave the name of a good book of science. I then said, "Giving this book will not help. We can no more recover from alcoholism by reading a scholarly book on alcoholism than we can recover from cancer by reading a scholarly book on cancer."
I guess I don't think it's a BAD thing to try to understand the A, but I certainly think you'll get a lot more mileage out of trying to understand YOURSELF....like the quote says, studying recovery doesn't do a heck of a lot towards actually getting real recovery started.
Quote from Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA, and one that I wholeheartedly believe to be true:
“You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.”
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
“You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.”
I was just talking the other night with a guy who got sober a few months before I did (I'll be celebrating nine years at the end of this month). He was telling me a story he'd told me before, which was that when he finally decided to do the WORK of getting sober and started studying the Big Book (main AA book), he marveled to his sponsor, "I feel like they are talking about ME." And his sponsor laughed and said, "Newsflash, Sunshine, they ARE talking about you."
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
, he marveled to his sponsor, "I feel like they are talking about ME." And his sponsor laughed and said, "Newsflash, Sunshine, they ARE talking about you."
29 years before i was born.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 11
Thank you everyone for your comments. I am very naive as far as alcoholism goes because until now I have never had to deal with it and its effects directly. Some of you have said that I need to focus on me and my recovery and not try to understand the A's part of it. For me, doing research and reading everyone's comments about my AX is helping me understand things better. Helping me understand that it wasn't something I did, that there is nothing I can do to fix it, that the lying and manipulation, while not necessarily malicious, is a part of the disease and not to be taken personally. It is helping me reconcile things in my head so I can work on getting myself better. Before I met my AX I thought I was a confident woman with high self-esteem. To hear that I may have an issue with co-dependence is tough to swallow but something I know I need to look into to make sure I do not repeat the same patterns. I always thought quitting alcohol was like quitting smoking. The more I learn the sadder it is that this substance can have such a hold over someone. Also, a couple of people mentioned "stickies" at the top of the page that I should take a look at. I am new to this forum thing and not exactly sure what this means.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
[I] he was a drinker when you met and had been for a long time. you wren't dealing with a rookie. long term confirmed drinkers/alcoholics do not quit because they find LOVE. they already have their one true love - alcohol. and they will cherish it, protect it, DEFEND it, fight for it, DIE for it.
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The "stickies" are at the top of the list of threads, here: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
i can give you some insight on how i was, but im going to say it is probably going to show what others here have been saying- theres no terminally unique alcoholic. when i did get sober, i thought i was quite unique- no one had experienced what i had. mentioned that to a man once. he laughed and said,"7 billion people on this planet at this time. over 100 million of them are alcoholics- and 100 million is probably very conservative- and youre the only one who is like how you are,eh?"
HUH!!!
so, as to
"Did you blame your exes for your drinking?"
i think that would depend on what stage of alcoholism i was at. at one time it wasnt just exes- i blamed EVERYTHING. you named it- it made me drink.
"Did you blame your exes for the breakdown of the relationship? "
again, depends on the stage of alcoholism i was at. earlier on it was ALWAYS their fault.
but as i progressed into alcoholism, i knew it was me. there were a few times i would be quite surprised they stayed around as long as they did.
"When your exes ended the relationship were you hurt or angry?"
that one didnt seem to matter what stage of alcoholism i was at and varied. sometimes i really didnt give a crap and was quite happy they ended it. sometimes i hurt like hell. there was one woman that was a complete angel and had her poop in a group- didnt drink, had her priorities straight, was kind, caring, and compassionate, and didnt allow me to be a drunken ass around her. and i knew deep down inside that the drinking was going to be the end of the relationship, yet no matter how hard i tired, i couldnt not drink.
angry???
ME!?!??! get angry!?!?!?!? nnnnnNNNNAAAAAaaaa.
yeah, its my lie and ill tell it!
yes, i got angry. not after the end of every relationship.theres a book i used to help me get sober and in that book it mentions an alcoholic can have varying trait. and that was me.
but then again, i got angry at a LOT. the common denominator when i got angry- when things didnt go my way.
"If there are any other things you can think of that might shed light on the situation I would like to hear them."
heres where i might rile ya up.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.
minnie, ive been on both sides of the fence, which the codie part i didnt know of or address until after i was a few years sober. what these people are saying here comes from the their experience, and if i didnt know any better, i swear 2 or 10 of them have typed about me!
what they type doesnt only come from experience, it comes from their hearts. they WERE in your shoes and experienced every single feeling and emotion you are or have. they have found solutions and share what they share out of love.
so, one last ramble here:
when i got sober, i was told some things straight up, no sugar coating, and just how it was. them bastaads pizzed me right off!!!
because it was the truth. and they told me what they told me straight up, no sugar coating, and just how it was because they knew THAt was the fastest,easiest way to get it through to me AND because they cared about me. if they didnt care about me they wouldnt have taken the time to do it.
and THAT saved my life( not sayin to go and try it with you A- its best to come from a recovered A)
and the same thing happened when i addressed the codependency- straight up, no sugar coating, and just how it was.
and THAT saved me from God only knows how many more years of gloom,dispair,and agony.
PLUS
what they both did was help me learn more about me and how to love myself.
man, rereading that, i was a quite a wreck!
huh, that explains the crowbar used to pop my head outta my but!
HUH!!!
so, as to
"Did you blame your exes for your drinking?"
i think that would depend on what stage of alcoholism i was at. at one time it wasnt just exes- i blamed EVERYTHING. you named it- it made me drink.
"Did you blame your exes for the breakdown of the relationship? "
again, depends on the stage of alcoholism i was at. earlier on it was ALWAYS their fault.
but as i progressed into alcoholism, i knew it was me. there were a few times i would be quite surprised they stayed around as long as they did.
"When your exes ended the relationship were you hurt or angry?"
that one didnt seem to matter what stage of alcoholism i was at and varied. sometimes i really didnt give a crap and was quite happy they ended it. sometimes i hurt like hell. there was one woman that was a complete angel and had her poop in a group- didnt drink, had her priorities straight, was kind, caring, and compassionate, and didnt allow me to be a drunken ass around her. and i knew deep down inside that the drinking was going to be the end of the relationship, yet no matter how hard i tired, i couldnt not drink.
angry???
ME!?!??! get angry!?!?!?!? nnnnnNNNNAAAAAaaaa.
yeah, its my lie and ill tell it!
yes, i got angry. not after the end of every relationship.theres a book i used to help me get sober and in that book it mentions an alcoholic can have varying trait. and that was me.
but then again, i got angry at a LOT. the common denominator when i got angry- when things didnt go my way.
"If there are any other things you can think of that might shed light on the situation I would like to hear them."
heres where i might rile ya up.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.
minnie, ive been on both sides of the fence, which the codie part i didnt know of or address until after i was a few years sober. what these people are saying here comes from the their experience, and if i didnt know any better, i swear 2 or 10 of them have typed about me!
what they type doesnt only come from experience, it comes from their hearts. they WERE in your shoes and experienced every single feeling and emotion you are or have. they have found solutions and share what they share out of love.
so, one last ramble here:
when i got sober, i was told some things straight up, no sugar coating, and just how it was. them bastaads pizzed me right off!!!
because it was the truth. and they told me what they told me straight up, no sugar coating, and just how it was because they knew THAt was the fastest,easiest way to get it through to me AND because they cared about me. if they didnt care about me they wouldnt have taken the time to do it.
and THAT saved my life( not sayin to go and try it with you A- its best to come from a recovered A)
and the same thing happened when i addressed the codependency- straight up, no sugar coating, and just how it was.
and THAT saved me from God only knows how many more years of gloom,dispair,and agony.
PLUS
what they both did was help me learn more about me and how to love myself.
man, rereading that, i was a quite a wreck!
huh, that explains the crowbar used to pop my head outta my but!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 11
I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend. I have taken your advice and ordered the book Co-Dependent No More. It is in the mail. I will also be going to my first beginner Al-anon meeting in a couple of weeks. I am a little nervous because I have no idea what to expect. Anyone have any other pearls of wisdom? I am at the sad stage and really missing my AX.
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From my own experience...and, observations of others....we can even miss our enemies when they have occupied a part of ourselves for a long time....lol.
I see it as expected that you might miss some things, at this point.
Like it is said..."When one door closes, another opens...but, it can be hell in the hallway"
I see it as expected that you might miss some things, at this point.
Like it is said..."When one door closes, another opens...but, it can be hell in the hallway"
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by Minnie973
I will also be going to my first beginner Al-anon meeting in a couple of weeks. I am a little nervous because I have no idea what to expect.
SR has a number of threads about what to expect from Alanon also:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-al-anon.html
BTW, I don't know that it's necessary to start w/a Beginner's Meeting. If the reason you're not going to start for a few weeks is b/c you're waiting for a Beginner's Meeting, there is no real need or requirement for it, but it's totally up to you. Also please remember that it may take several tries to find the group where you feel the most comfortable and get the most benefit. That won't always be the one that is at the most convenient time or location, but it will definitely be worth the effort when you find the place you belong!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Like it is said..."When one door closes, another opens...but, it can be hell in the hallway"
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
pleased you've found SR and are taking steps to address your dysfunction, good move! I learned lots about depression during the time I was actively drinking. Now I am sober I can take steps to actively manage my depression without making it worse due to being uneducated about alcoholism, so I learn more then find out I'm co-dependant too and so many other things I shan't bore you but it's just great that you have found a way out of this insane place before it swallows you'd xx
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by honeypig
BTW, I don't know that it's necessary to start w/a Beginner's Meeting. If the reason you're not going to start for a few weeks is b/c you're waiting for a Beginner's Meeting, there is no real need or requirement for it, but it's totally up to you. Also please remember that it may take several tries to find the group where you feel the most comfortable and get the most benefit. That won't always be the one that is at the most convenient time or location, but it will definitely be worth the effort when you find the place you belong!
Why are you waiting a few weeks before you go to a meeting, Minnie?
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Highlighting this. I actually preferred the regular meetings when I was new. Beginner meetings tend to be small (on purpose) and when I was new, I just wanted to listen and absorb. You don't need to wait for an official beginner meeting, if that's the hold up.
Why are you waiting a few weeks before you go to a meeting, Minnie?
Why are you waiting a few weeks before you go to a meeting, Minnie?
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