I really don't know what to do with my kids
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Just because an alcoholic hasn’t consumed alcohol doesn’t mean they are operating with a sober brain, don’t fool yourself or minimize the serious current situation these 2 small children will be placed in.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Respectfully...
...one of the non-negotiable requirements for being a great dad, and this crosses all social, political, ethnic, and religious boundaries, is that when you are the only caretaker for your children you are not drunk, stoned, or impaired in any way. children's lives are at stake.
he is not a great dad right now-- he's not. great dads are sober when caring for their children. there are moments when he mimics a great dad, but a great dad does not incapacitate himself when he is responsible for his children.
i truly care about your children's safety, and your well-being as it is connected to your children's safety but, very respectfully, it's shocking to me when people see this any other way. please figure out how it is you think it's ok for your children to be alone with this man, and how it is you can think he's a great dad. IMHO, they are in grave danger when alone with this man. a single bad decision is all it takes to end somebody's life or ruin it catastrophically, and drunk and stoned people are the ones that make most of these bad decisions-- pick up today's paper and see for yourself.
my AW? she's a great mom now and, thanks to the higher powers, has a close and loving relationship with our daughter. but, for many years, she was a terrible mom who, when sober which was not very often, could show great love and compassion for her daughter. then, when drunk, wreaked havoc and did severe psychological damage that my daughter still reckons with at almost 22 years old. and, yes, she had an accident while driving drunk with our daughter in the car-- it's only sheer luck they are alive and well today.
not to mention how ****** a father i was while dealing with drunken mother. ugh.
take care,
Cyranoak
he is not a great dad right now-- he's not. great dads are sober when caring for their children. there are moments when he mimics a great dad, but a great dad does not incapacitate himself when he is responsible for his children.
i truly care about your children's safety, and your well-being as it is connected to your children's safety but, very respectfully, it's shocking to me when people see this any other way. please figure out how it is you think it's ok for your children to be alone with this man, and how it is you can think he's a great dad. IMHO, they are in grave danger when alone with this man. a single bad decision is all it takes to end somebody's life or ruin it catastrophically, and drunk and stoned people are the ones that make most of these bad decisions-- pick up today's paper and see for yourself.
my AW? she's a great mom now and, thanks to the higher powers, has a close and loving relationship with our daughter. but, for many years, she was a terrible mom who, when sober which was not very often, could show great love and compassion for her daughter. then, when drunk, wreaked havoc and did severe psychological damage that my daughter still reckons with at almost 22 years old. and, yes, she had an accident while driving drunk with our daughter in the car-- it's only sheer luck they are alive and well today.
not to mention how ****** a father i was while dealing with drunken mother. ugh.
take care,
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
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He needs to get his act together BEFORE he does further, irreversible damage to the two innocent children caught up in mess made from adults. You really must see that by allowing this dysfunction to tarnish them at such an age will only create a future for them that your 'hope' may not be enough to stop them from needless suffering later.
Emotional sobriety is required here, the children will do better without this in their young lives and exAH can choose to get well or not, you must do what is right for your babies no matter how hard or harsh it may seem now.
Emotional sobriety is required here, the children will do better without this in their young lives and exAH can choose to get well or not, you must do what is right for your babies no matter how hard or harsh it may seem now.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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So you all are advocates for going for the jugular and trying to remove all custody rights from him?
I feel like no judge will side with me when I only have two offenses to speak of, and no real proof, that he drank with the kids. I could see him arguing that he wasn't that drunk, only sleeping, etc. Also that he was under the legal limit while driving. I just don't feel confident that I will win. And if I don't win, then I have a dude that HATES me that I get to share my kids with and just pray to the high heavens that they've are ok.
Right now I feel like he is bullying me and threatening me that he is going to get a lawyer to and things aren't going to go how I want them to go, etc. He is being super mean, angry, nasty. It makes it hard to handle. But all of our family and friends seem to think I'm overreacting also. He "learned his lesson and won't do it again" and "what about the close relationship he has with the kids?" Etc.
Words of wisdom/encouragement welcome more than ever!
I feel like no judge will side with me when I only have two offenses to speak of, and no real proof, that he drank with the kids. I could see him arguing that he wasn't that drunk, only sleeping, etc. Also that he was under the legal limit while driving. I just don't feel confident that I will win. And if I don't win, then I have a dude that HATES me that I get to share my kids with and just pray to the high heavens that they've are ok.
Right now I feel like he is bullying me and threatening me that he is going to get a lawyer to and things aren't going to go how I want them to go, etc. He is being super mean, angry, nasty. It makes it hard to handle. But all of our family and friends seem to think I'm overreacting also. He "learned his lesson and won't do it again" and "what about the close relationship he has with the kids?" Etc.
Words of wisdom/encouragement welcome more than ever!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
If there's no document trail of his drinking and incapacity for parenting (police reports, child protection reports, emails/texts/pictures) - then I think you may indeed face an uphill battle for supervised visitation because there's no evidence (other than your word) that he is as dangerous as you say. Contrary to some other posters, I think that embarking on a battle you can't win is not a good strategy, because it limits your options for risk reduction. It sucks, but you may have to find ways to strategize around the evidence you don't have.
If you do have evidence of him being passed out or otherwise incompetent while he was responsible for the kids, then I think your case for supervised visitation is much stronger because no one can say "that never happened, she's making it all up".
I have a similar situation (with a much older child) and am going for sole custody - but only because I have a strong document trail, including police and psychiatric reports as well as screenshots texts and emails from ex, showing that he has addiction and mental health problems which prevent him from being able to make good decisions for Kid's safety. If I didn't have this documentation - if it was my word against drunk ex - I would be searching for other remedies, like parenting counselling, even though that wouldn't address the root cause.
So I don't think it's a case of "if you don't get sole custody, you're putting the kids' lives at risk". You may not be able to get sole custody right now (a year from now, if Dad continues to deteriorate, things may be different). In some jurisdictions (like mine) the bar for sole custody, no pun intended, is unhelpfully high.
What other measures, besides sole custody, might help to reduce the risk to your kids, even if you can't drive it to zero?
Much sympathy to you - it's an awful situation to be in.
If you do have evidence of him being passed out or otherwise incompetent while he was responsible for the kids, then I think your case for supervised visitation is much stronger because no one can say "that never happened, she's making it all up".
I have a similar situation (with a much older child) and am going for sole custody - but only because I have a strong document trail, including police and psychiatric reports as well as screenshots texts and emails from ex, showing that he has addiction and mental health problems which prevent him from being able to make good decisions for Kid's safety. If I didn't have this documentation - if it was my word against drunk ex - I would be searching for other remedies, like parenting counselling, even though that wouldn't address the root cause.
So I don't think it's a case of "if you don't get sole custody, you're putting the kids' lives at risk". You may not be able to get sole custody right now (a year from now, if Dad continues to deteriorate, things may be different). In some jurisdictions (like mine) the bar for sole custody, no pun intended, is unhelpfully high.
What other measures, besides sole custody, might help to reduce the risk to your kids, even if you can't drive it to zero?
Much sympathy to you - it's an awful situation to be in.
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"Sole" custody is one thing, but for you to get primary physical custody and him supervised visitation isn't nearly as great a hurdle. Your testimony alone, counts. This isn't a criminal matter--you don't have to prove anything beyond a reasonable doubt. The standard of proof is generally the best interests of the children by a preponderance of the evidence--which means the judge just has to believe you a bit more than him.
Do you have ANY corroboration of his drinking? People who have seen him drunk, who have heard what kind of scrapes he's gotten into? Maybe people you called, upset, when these incidents concerning your kids happened? There's an exception to the hearsay rule for "excited utterances"--statements you made to others when you were in a state of emotional upset.
Do you have credit card receipts or records of purchases at the liquor store? Has he ever had any kind of drinking-related treatment?
This isn't "going for the jugular"--you are merely seeking reasonable restrictions on his time with the children for their safety. You aren't asking for him to be branded or to lose his parental rights. I think you are making this far more difficult than it should be, just because you are listening to him and to his friends. Unless any of them are lawyers, their opinions don't count. You know him and what is happening in your own household much better than they do, and my bet is you know way more about alcoholism than any of them do.
Do you have ANY corroboration of his drinking? People who have seen him drunk, who have heard what kind of scrapes he's gotten into? Maybe people you called, upset, when these incidents concerning your kids happened? There's an exception to the hearsay rule for "excited utterances"--statements you made to others when you were in a state of emotional upset.
Do you have credit card receipts or records of purchases at the liquor store? Has he ever had any kind of drinking-related treatment?
This isn't "going for the jugular"--you are merely seeking reasonable restrictions on his time with the children for their safety. You aren't asking for him to be branded or to lose his parental rights. I think you are making this far more difficult than it should be, just because you are listening to him and to his friends. Unless any of them are lawyers, their opinions don't count. You know him and what is happening in your own household much better than they do, and my bet is you know way more about alcoholism than any of them do.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Maybe a question for your lawyer - what exactly does "sole custody" mean? It varies. In my jurisdiction, "sole custody" means exclusive decision-making power plus primary residence, with the non-custodial parent effectively out of the picture in legal terms. It's very difficult to get "sole" here, unless one parent does something really dumb like send the other one's lawyer a letter about how he's not an alcoholic and intends to keep drinking and denigrating the other parent to the child for the sake of "emotional honesty" (oh wait a minute ...).
But there's also the option of seeking an order for joint custody with primary residence assigned to one parent. Where I live, this means that both parents have equal power in decision-making, but the child lives with one parent and visits the other, usually in accordance with a court-ordered schedule. Primary residence might be an option for you (or a negotiating position - you want sole, but you'll settle for primary residence because you recognize the important role drunk Dad plays in the children's lives).
Your mileage may vary - perhaps you could ask your attorney (or anyone at a domestic violence shelter) what kinds of parenting regimes are typically ordered by courts in situations like yours. You may have more options than you think, even if you don't have documentation or records of ex's behavior.
But there's also the option of seeking an order for joint custody with primary residence assigned to one parent. Where I live, this means that both parents have equal power in decision-making, but the child lives with one parent and visits the other, usually in accordance with a court-ordered schedule. Primary residence might be an option for you (or a negotiating position - you want sole, but you'll settle for primary residence because you recognize the important role drunk Dad plays in the children's lives).
Your mileage may vary - perhaps you could ask your attorney (or anyone at a domestic violence shelter) what kinds of parenting regimes are typically ordered by courts in situations like yours. You may have more options than you think, even if you don't have documentation or records of ex's behavior.
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But all of our family and friends seem to think I'm overreacting also. He "learned his lesson and won't do it again" and "what about the close relationship he has with the kids?" Etc.
I didn't know that my cousin, who lived with us, started sexually assaulting my sister when she was eleven. I was thirteen and living under the same roof and I had no clue that THAT was happening. All I knew was something was terribly wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it. And when I did say something to my family, I was told to be polite.
When I finally confronted my nanny about her abuse, my sister said I was making too much of a fuss because we deserved it. My mom, thank God, believed me. My father told me that I had to forgive my nanny. He came from a family with a history of mental illness.
To them, it was the norm. But just because it was THEIR normal didn't mean that it had to become mine. I go to therapy every week and I still struggle with that concept.
His family and friends may be going through the same struggle, but they don't have the benefit of SR and/or therapy. They're probably not at the point where they want to seek it out. It's going to take a long time, and enlightenment certainly isn't going to happen at this very moment. I wouldn't hold my breath.
AH is a great dad, when he is sober (which is a lot....he is a binge drinker)
Your AH's heart may be in it, but being sober is a basic requirement for parenting. You don't want to teach your kids that binge drinking is the norm.
Don't let anybody else convince you otherwise.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by batchel9
So you all are advocates for going for the jugular and trying to remove all custody rights from him?
I feel like no judge will side with me when I only have two offenses to speak of, and no real proof, that he drank with the kids. I could see him arguing that he wasn't that drunk, only sleeping, etc. Also that he was under the legal limit while driving. I just don't feel confident that I will win. And if I don't win, then I have a dude that HATES me that I get to share my kids with and just pray to the high heavens that they've are ok.
Right now I feel like he is bullying me and threatening me that he is going to get a lawyer to and things aren't going to go how I want them to go, etc. He is being super mean, angry, nasty. It makes it hard to handle. But all of our family and friends seem to think I'm overreacting also. He "learned his lesson and won't do it again" and "what about the close relationship he has with the kids?" Etc.
Words of wisdom/encouragement welcome more than ever!
I feel like no judge will side with me when I only have two offenses to speak of, and no real proof, that he drank with the kids. I could see him arguing that he wasn't that drunk, only sleeping, etc. Also that he was under the legal limit while driving. I just don't feel confident that I will win. And if I don't win, then I have a dude that HATES me that I get to share my kids with and just pray to the high heavens that they've are ok.
Right now I feel like he is bullying me and threatening me that he is going to get a lawyer to and things aren't going to go how I want them to go, etc. He is being super mean, angry, nasty. It makes it hard to handle. But all of our family and friends seem to think I'm overreacting also. He "learned his lesson and won't do it again" and "what about the close relationship he has with the kids?" Etc.
Words of wisdom/encouragement welcome more than ever!
I was very reasonable about everything, but the one place I wouldn't budge was "no alcohol during visitation." That ended up being the reason we went to court. I went through my old journals and typed out a timeline of incidents that occurred while he was drinking.
I also emphasized the unpredictability of binge drinking behavior, like coming home from a three hour work shift and finding my ex passed out drunk while he was supposed to be watching DS (a baby at the time).
My ex spent a lot of time in a rage, not because I was actually being unreasonable, but because it makes him unreasonably angry to talk about his drinking. I was trying to protect my baby, but he saw it as me trying to take away his baby (alcohol).
Of everything I looked into, Soberlink seemed like the best option for our situation. The mediator we saw before our trial seemed doubtful that a judge would agree to it, it's a fairly new technology, but I gathered the information anyway, and the judge actually took what I had printed out and read it.
Stay strong. We're all here for you.
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I've been keeping a log of my AW's escapades for quite some time now that details dates, times, conversations, etc. I also have a file with pics of her passed out in various places around the house (including on the toilet), and damage to her car when she drove home during a blackout.
When it's time for me to file (which is creeping ever closer), I feel I will have enough ammunition to make sure I get sole custody.
COD
When it's time for me to file (which is creeping ever closer), I feel I will have enough ammunition to make sure I get sole custody.
COD
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my hubby would get drunk and beat us up.. back in the 1980's.. took a garden shovel to our 9 year old and hit him with it.. and the judge said I was the crazy person in the house.. yep... my Hubby was the harmed party in court.... one of his lawyers came to my house when the kids were home from school and sat with us for a weekend.. that is right.. he slept in the living room for a Friday night to Monday Morning.. to observe what my ex was screaming about. we did just what we always did.. oh and this lawyer found out at 6pm that the house was dark.. why is that he asked.. my 6 year old daughter said out right we can eat have Ivan have insulin or pay the elec bill. we voted here at our house and the elec went for the summer and part of the fall. why cause my brother needs his insulin.. Lawyer changed a lot for us.... in our favor.. Monday morning that Oct.. he went from our house to Dean's apartment.. was just jaw dropping when he saw how Dean lived.. took photos and submitted them in court. this Lady is trying so hard on so little and if you put the kids with him this is how they will have to live... yep.. Good men are far and few between all the frogs... sorry guys...
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So you all are advocates for going for the jugular and trying to remove all custody rights from him?
this isn't an attack ON HIM. this is about doing what is best for the children. you aren't doing anything TO him, you are doing things FOR THEM.
threatening me that he is going to get a lawyer
this is why you do not dilly dally, instead you file sooner rather than later. he does not HAVE an attorney, he's just bluffing and blustering. if he was THAT concerned he would do a LOT of things differently.
don't be cowed by this guy. and don't NOT act because you think you know what the courts MIGHt do.
up your game, take the high road. eliminate conversations where possible. limit visitation to the bare minimum allowed. if your attorney won't draw up the papers as you THE CLIENT wishes, then maybe you really need a new attorney.
this isn't an attack ON HIM. this is about doing what is best for the children. you aren't doing anything TO him, you are doing things FOR THEM.
threatening me that he is going to get a lawyer
this is why you do not dilly dally, instead you file sooner rather than later. he does not HAVE an attorney, he's just bluffing and blustering. if he was THAT concerned he would do a LOT of things differently.
don't be cowed by this guy. and don't NOT act because you think you know what the courts MIGHt do.
up your game, take the high road. eliminate conversations where possible. limit visitation to the bare minimum allowed. if your attorney won't draw up the papers as you THE CLIENT wishes, then maybe you really need a new attorney.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Just a thought - him saying he's going to get a lawyer isn't a threat, it's potentially a good thing. Lawyers can rein in their whacked-out clients (at least the ethical ones do, there are also sleazy lawyers). Also, it's MUCH better to communicate with an attorney than with a crazy drunk person.
So if he says "I'm going to get a lawyer!" your response could be "That's great. Have him/her contact me once you retain someone, and then all communications can go through your attorney".
(one other thing - don't be intimidated if your ex starts going on about "my lawyer says what you're doing is wrong" or "my lawyer says you're going to be demolished in court", etc. Don't take legal advice from anyone who is being paid by another party. Falling back on "my lawyer says you have to ..." is a bullying tactic, and it is rare in my experience that the lawyer actually said it).
So if he says "I'm going to get a lawyer!" your response could be "That's great. Have him/her contact me once you retain someone, and then all communications can go through your attorney".
(one other thing - don't be intimidated if your ex starts going on about "my lawyer says what you're doing is wrong" or "my lawyer says you're going to be demolished in court", etc. Don't take legal advice from anyone who is being paid by another party. Falling back on "my lawyer says you have to ..." is a bullying tactic, and it is rare in my experience that the lawyer actually said it).
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
It sounds like what you're saying is that he has the POTENTIAL to be a good dad. And that's true of many active alcoholics. They aren't necessarily awful people. But they make lousy partners or parents. Kids do need reliability and stability in their lives. And he will become progressively LESS stable and reliable as his drinking continues.
Kids tend to love their parents no matter what. Even when the parents actually abuse them, they are bonded and love them. So you can't take your kids' LOVE for him as any kind of yardstick for whether it's good for them to be in his care. As the sober, responsible parent here, the onus is on YOU to act in their best interest, whether it makes them (or him) happy in the moment or not.
And if someday he DOES choose sobriety and does the hard work to recover and stay that way, trust me, he will understand why you had to protect the kids. If he continues to drink, well, all bets are off.
Kids tend to love their parents no matter what. Even when the parents actually abuse them, they are bonded and love them. So you can't take your kids' LOVE for him as any kind of yardstick for whether it's good for them to be in his care. As the sober, responsible parent here, the onus is on YOU to act in their best interest, whether it makes them (or him) happy in the moment or not.
And if someday he DOES choose sobriety and does the hard work to recover and stay that way, trust me, he will understand why you had to protect the kids. If he continues to drink, well, all bets are off.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
It took me some time to get up the courage to start telling my ex, "Have your attorney contact my attorney." Like you, I feared setting him off by seeming to escalate and revert to contact only through lawyers, but our "discussions" to supposedly settle issues always devolved into crazymaking.
I finally saw that if we were able to have a rational discussion about safety concerns due to his drinking behavior, we wouldn't be in that situation. Everything out of his mouth boiled down to him not being willing to quit drinking, period. The rest was just noise and nonsense. And you know, he never once had his attorney contact my attorney. Once it cost him actual money to harass me, he lost interest in doing it.
I couldn't control his reactions, but I didn't have to make it easy for him to take his stuff out on me.
I finally saw that if we were able to have a rational discussion about safety concerns due to his drinking behavior, we wouldn't be in that situation. Everything out of his mouth boiled down to him not being willing to quit drinking, period. The rest was just noise and nonsense. And you know, he never once had his attorney contact my attorney. Once it cost him actual money to harass me, he lost interest in doing it.
I couldn't control his reactions, but I didn't have to make it easy for him to take his stuff out on me.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
"Sole" custody is one thing, but for you to get primary physical custody and him supervised visitation isn't nearly as great a hurdle. Your testimony alone, counts. This isn't a criminal matter--you don't have to prove anything beyond a reasonable doubt. The standard of proof is generally the best interests of the children by a preponderance of the evidence--which means the judge just has to believe you a bit more than him.
Do you have ANY corroboration of his drinking? People who have seen him drunk, who have heard what kind of scrapes he's gotten into? Maybe people you called, upset, when these incidents concerning your kids happened? There's an exception to the hearsay rule for "excited utterances"--statements you made to others when you were in a state of emotional upset.
Do you have credit card receipts or records of purchases at the liquor store? Has he ever had any kind of drinking-related treatment?
This isn't "going for the jugular"--you are merely seeking reasonable restrictions on his time with the children for their safety. You aren't asking for him to be branded or to lose his parental rights. I think you are making this far more difficult than it should be, just because you are listening to him and to his friends. Unless any of them are lawyers, their opinions don't count. You know him and what is happening in your own household much better than they do, and my bet is you know way more about alcoholism than any of them do.
Do you have ANY corroboration of his drinking? People who have seen him drunk, who have heard what kind of scrapes he's gotten into? Maybe people you called, upset, when these incidents concerning your kids happened? There's an exception to the hearsay rule for "excited utterances"--statements you made to others when you were in a state of emotional upset.
Do you have credit card receipts or records of purchases at the liquor store? Has he ever had any kind of drinking-related treatment?
This isn't "going for the jugular"--you are merely seeking reasonable restrictions on his time with the children for their safety. You aren't asking for him to be branded or to lose his parental rights. I think you are making this far more difficult than it should be, just because you are listening to him and to his friends. Unless any of them are lawyers, their opinions don't count. You know him and what is happening in your own household much better than they do, and my bet is you know way more about alcoholism than any of them do.
In the early 2000's he smashed his truck into a large landscaping boulder and blew a 0.23 and got an OUIL. This is his only legal offense.
He has bad scars that's I am sure I have pics of that he got in early 2000s when drunk and doesn't know where they came from.
I have several emails from him in 2010-2011 in which he admits to drinking and driving and having a drinking problem. I have videos of him doing a breathalyzer to "convince" me he is sober from that timeframe also even though he totally manipulated the thing.
2013 he did optional urine tests to prove he was not drinking. All of the ones I have are passing results but I know he failed one. Since it was optional they had him talk to me about it.
I probably have less in current years because I had kids and didn't have time to email back and forth and he wasn't drinking often. He has been to this counseling place that I think my attorney could get records from though?
That brings us to 2016/2017. I created a log of his instances drinking since November. I don't have the exact dates but could probably get them. I have texts in which he discusses drinking and admits to being on Antabuse, he missed work 4 days in May/June. I have detailed accounts of some of the run-ins (drinking and driving with kids, drinking large quantities with kids there) that can be supported with data....like kids were late to daycare. Teachers could vouch.
Non drinking related....he actually left the kids in the car in the winter and went into a store (sober decision!! Winning!
) and there is a police report and CPS report.He also has sent me really nasty messages recently calling the kids "sh*theads" and telling me to "get over here NOW" to take care of them.
Thoughts?? I think this paints a pretty grim picture for him. Makes me sad, because as described above this isn't the dad he has the "potential" of being.
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All of that sounds helpful. Your main concern is that the kids are safe, not punishing or shaming him. If he FEELS shame for doing shameful things, well, that means part of his brain is still functioning.
From a legal/negotiating standpoint, it pays to ask for the most you feel you might have a shot at getting, and then having some fallback positions you can put out there as a compromise. Supervised visitation might be your #1, alcohol monitoring #2, etc. YOU should not be paying any of the costs associated with alcohol monitoring. You can also build into a proposal that unless something drastic happens in the meantime you are willing to re-evaluate in a year, to see how he reliable he becomes. It's usually a safe bet that unless they really DO go for actual recovery they will eventually screw up--blowing dirty, missing blows, missing visitation.
Discuss it with your lawyer. And all this crap about him "threatening" to get a lawyer is garbage. Perfectly responsible sober parents have lawyers during divorces. It is in everyone's best interest to be represented.
From a legal/negotiating standpoint, it pays to ask for the most you feel you might have a shot at getting, and then having some fallback positions you can put out there as a compromise. Supervised visitation might be your #1, alcohol monitoring #2, etc. YOU should not be paying any of the costs associated with alcohol monitoring. You can also build into a proposal that unless something drastic happens in the meantime you are willing to re-evaluate in a year, to see how he reliable he becomes. It's usually a safe bet that unless they really DO go for actual recovery they will eventually screw up--blowing dirty, missing blows, missing visitation.
Discuss it with your lawyer. And all this crap about him "threatening" to get a lawyer is garbage. Perfectly responsible sober parents have lawyers during divorces. It is in everyone's best interest to be represented.
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I would say you need to be very exact in all of your dates, logs, etc. If not it can be thrown out. If you have admissible documentation it would be helpful.
So much just depends on the judge to be honest.
Big hugs.
So much just depends on the judge to be honest.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Batchel - A few things. I am getting closer to having my divorce finalized and this process has been slow and painful. What would I do differently knowing what I know now?
-I would not be concerned about AH getting an attorney. As it turns out, I have begged mine to get an attorney so I can stop paying my attorney for reading AH's drunken emails. I also think an attorney (if ethical) would have clarified some things for AH early on and headed off some of the nonsense.
-I would not fear going to court. I should have gone straight to court instead of trying to "work it out" ourselves. Though I am a bit concerned that my AH is in such a bad place that he doesn't care how much of our money we spend on this, if I take a step back, I know that he doesn't want to talk about his behavior in court. If I had set a court date, I don't think this would be dragging out.
-I would ask for everything I want/deserve and then some, instead of trying to be "fair". No matter what I've done, AH sees ANYTHING I receive as undeserved, sees me as greedy and conniving. This is when most parents I've talked with are shocked at what they see as a generous financial settlement that AH is receiving. I'm comfortable with the arrangement because AH has made concessions on visitation - no overnights and I can decide at any time that visitation will cease.
-I wouldn't worry about AH hating me. He's going to hate you anyway, no matter what you do. And he may get over it, or not. That's not for you to try to control. Just be a person that you and your kids can be proud of. I realized too late that I cared too much about what an angry drunk thought of me. His opinion now means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.
I truly feel for you. Every situation is different and this is a complicated process in the best of circumstances - even more so with a drinker. Do whatever you can to keep your head as clear as possible and stay healthy. Trying to make it through the minefield takes mental and physical strength. Divorce is not for sissies.
-I would not be concerned about AH getting an attorney. As it turns out, I have begged mine to get an attorney so I can stop paying my attorney for reading AH's drunken emails. I also think an attorney (if ethical) would have clarified some things for AH early on and headed off some of the nonsense.
-I would not fear going to court. I should have gone straight to court instead of trying to "work it out" ourselves. Though I am a bit concerned that my AH is in such a bad place that he doesn't care how much of our money we spend on this, if I take a step back, I know that he doesn't want to talk about his behavior in court. If I had set a court date, I don't think this would be dragging out.
-I would ask for everything I want/deserve and then some, instead of trying to be "fair". No matter what I've done, AH sees ANYTHING I receive as undeserved, sees me as greedy and conniving. This is when most parents I've talked with are shocked at what they see as a generous financial settlement that AH is receiving. I'm comfortable with the arrangement because AH has made concessions on visitation - no overnights and I can decide at any time that visitation will cease.
-I wouldn't worry about AH hating me. He's going to hate you anyway, no matter what you do. And he may get over it, or not. That's not for you to try to control. Just be a person that you and your kids can be proud of. I realized too late that I cared too much about what an angry drunk thought of me. His opinion now means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.
I truly feel for you. Every situation is different and this is a complicated process in the best of circumstances - even more so with a drinker. Do whatever you can to keep your head as clear as possible and stay healthy. Trying to make it through the minefield takes mental and physical strength. Divorce is not for sissies.
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