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Leaving alcoholic boyfriend...

Old 07-24-2017, 06:16 AM
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Leaving alcoholic boyfriend...

Hi,

I'm new here, so apologies if this is the wrong place to post this.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we're both 34. I knew going in that alcohol had been an issue with him, but I had no idea the extent. I drink as well, but never been a problem drinker by any account. We had a great relationship, probably the best I've ever been in and we couldn't wait to move in with each other. I have a 7 year old son, so we didn't rush it. After about a year and a half of dating and things going awesome and he got along great with my son, we moved in and things changed.

Under the same roof I realized how much he was actually drinking. Soon enough, like weeks into living together, I started seeing a side of him I hadn't before. He came home absolutely enraged sometimes. The name calling started, he started breaking things in the house (windows, doors, my patio furniture, dishes...). He's shoved me, intimidated me, threatened me, though that kind of thing has been few and far between. I know that's still not ok though. In between these episodes he's wonderful and I know that's what kept me around, hoping I could convince him to get help, to go back to what we had before. But more and more, I feel unhappy even during the good times. He also gambles to an extreme.

My last straw was last weekend. He became angry for no reason and stormed out, then was "mad" at me for two days and I couldn't get him to tell me why. I was just treated to more name calling, more anger. I tried to be sort of...zen about it, I guess. Not let him get to me and that made it worse until he finally attacked my weight, knowing that I struggled with eating disorders for many years and what that comment would do to me. That was the bucket of ice water over my head, and I knew I couldn't do this anymore.

He's still hanging around, because he "has nowhere to go" and trying to change my mind. He got drunk and slashed my tires the other night. I'm getting the locks changed as soon as possible.

And still, I feel guilty for ending it, I feel like I'm hurting him. Intellectually I know this is what's best, but I feel like my head's a mess. I feel confused and so guilty and so dumb for putting up with this for the past year and months we've lived together. My self esteem is in the toilet, I feel anxious and sad.

Sorry if that was long, I just wanted to vent and to see what anyone thought, what I should do to get him to understand he's got to go, understand that this is over.
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Old 07-24-2017, 09:11 AM
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Wow betty,

I'm so sorry.

you need to take care of your son and yourself.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but he sounds downright dangerous.

and it will only get worse if it continues.

my best to you.
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Old 07-24-2017, 09:20 AM
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This situation seems very volatile and DANGEROUS. Slashing tires is super scary - that is an act of violence that should not be ignored, nor should the other things he's done.

I fear for your safety, honestly.

There are people here who are very knowledgeable about domestic violence, and I hope they chime in soon.

An order of protection would be a good idea here, IMO.
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Old 07-24-2017, 09:29 AM
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Betty, I'm going to suggest that you contact your local domestic violence center ASAP. They will be able to advise you on how to stay safe while getting this man out of your life. We also have a member here who has many years of experience in the legal field, dealing w/DV. I'm sure she'll be along soon.

In the meantime, check out some of the info in this section of the forum. It's from the "stickies" at the top of the page: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...how-leave.html

Don't waste one drop of energy feeling stupid or like you should have known or acted sooner; put everything you have into finding out how to safely get away from this violent, abusive alcoholic man. (By the way, the alcoholism and the abuse are 2 separate issues--even if he got sober and stayed that way, it would not likely change the other problems.)
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Old 07-24-2017, 10:51 AM
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Thanks all,

I've had a hard time calling this abuse...I've really fallen into blaming his behavior on alcohol and thinking "the real him" is the times when he's Mr. Wonderful. But I know now that all of it constitutes who he is. I have friends and family very close by, so I think I've been a little complacent where our safety is concerned. I will definitely look into an order of protection asap. Thank you for that suggestion.
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Old 07-24-2017, 10:53 AM
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I know how you feel in feeling your head is a mess and actually still feeling compassion for your mate, though your intellectual side knows it's a bit insane and you must split. I am experiencing the very same. We feel sorry for them because we know their inner pain drives them to their behaviors. While it is NEVER an excuse, we somehow find a way to give compassion. If you are like me, you are very empathetic but it can often times be to our own detriment. Keep in mind that, hurt people hurt people. We love hard, but God also gave us that love to give some to ourselves too....something we seem to only freely give to others. It sucks that people have addiction and have "issues", but it doesn't mean we have to carry it too and ruin our own lives. We can give compassion and also be separate and away from those we feel compassion for.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please take the advice of honeypig above and contact your DV center. Slashing tires and threatening you and intimidation and abuse that appears to be escalating, is frightening and you need to get out for the sake of you and absolutely your son. Also, as honey says....addiction and abuse are two separate issues, though you will find they like to hang out together on occasion! The thing is, is that even if he kicks the drinking, which he hasn't shown any desire to do it seems, he is still an abuser whose antics will only progress. Just as the drinking will.

Maybe if you can adjust your thinking to "for the sake of my son" it may make it easier? I only say this because I too struggle to extract myself from a harmful relationship because I am scared (not for my safety, just scared to stand up for myself). So maybe if you just have to blame it on leaving for your son it can be easier like, hey...I may not be strong enough to decide to leave for my own, but unfortunately my son is being impacted so I have no choice. I know it's a weird concept I am throwing out because you should never feel you need to justify leaving an abusive relationship, but maybe if you re-frame it as leaving because you OWE it to your son (which, you do), it can make things a little bit easier.

Take care of yourself as slashing tires is a pretty scary tactic that seems it could spiral badly. Sounds like you get it intellectually (like me!), but need to put the big girl panties on and cut off the relationship before things get worse....and believe me, they will. Are you getting any counseling or going to Alanon? This should be done even if and when you split for good.

*hugs*
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Old 07-24-2017, 11:04 AM
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This is a good point, and I think it would help if I made it more about protecting my son. He is a *huge* reason why I want to get us out of this situation anyway.

I do have plans to get to an Alanon meeting this week with a good friend of mine and definitely getting myself into therapy once things have calmed down around here a little.
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Old 07-25-2017, 07:19 AM
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You trusted him. Turns out he's a jerk. You have nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of. Kick him to the curb with a good riddance. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. Doesn't matter if he has a place to go or not, if he gets lonely or not, etc. None of that is your problem. It's his. Plain and simple. Don't let him manipulate or guilt you into anything. You have your own life and a child to take care of. Your bf is dead weight. Just my two cents.
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Old 07-25-2017, 07:39 AM
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I've had a hard time calling this abuse...

He got drunk and slashed my tires the other night.
Than how about you call it a crime. I hope you reported this to the police.
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Old 07-25-2017, 07:46 AM
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Hi, Betty,

I'm the "DV expert" they were talking about--I've worked professionally in the field for many years.

Just being an alcoholic (or being drunk) doesn't cause anyone to be abusive or to slash tires. Even if the worst behavior is displayed when drinking, the underlying cause is generally a need to possess/control one's partner. Even things like tire-slashing are signs that you could be in significant danger--which also means that your child is, too.

Please contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. If you have sufficient proof that it was he who slashed your tires you can make a police report, but even with much less proof you might be eligible for a protective order that would require him to have no contact with you. The advantage of an order is that the police can arrest for a simple violation of contacting you before it escalates to something more serious.

Even if you don't want to get an order (or aren't eligible for one--in some jurisdictions your physical safety has to be threatened, though in others even harassment is sufficient to get an order), the advocate can help you with safety planning to keep you and your child safe. Please make the call--everything you tell the advocate will be confidential and their services are free.
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Old 07-25-2017, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Hi, Betty,

I'm the "DV expert" they were talking about--I've worked professionally in the field for many years.

Just being an alcoholic (or being drunk) doesn't cause anyone to be abusive or to slash tires. Even if the worst behavior is displayed when drinking, the underlying cause is generally a need to possess/control one's partner. Even things like tire-slashing are signs that you could be in significant danger--which also means that your child is, too.

Please contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. If you have sufficient proof that it was he who slashed your tires you can make a police report, but even with much less proof you might be eligible for a protective order that would require him to have no contact with you. The advantage of an order is that the police can arrest for a simple violation of contacting you before it escalates to something more serious.

Even if you don't want to get an order (or aren't eligible for one--in some jurisdictions your physical safety has to be threatened, though in others even harassment is sufficient to get an order), the advocate can help you with safety planning to keep you and your child safe. Please make the call--everything you tell the advocate will be confidential and their services are free.
Just being an alcoholic (or being drunk) doesn't cause anyone to be abusive or to slash tires. Even if the worst behavior is displayed when drinking,


Betty, this stood out to me as I always excused this behavior as linked to his drinking only. I have heard a lot that the way they are when "drinking" or what they say and do, is not always JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE DRUNK. That a lot of it is part of their core personalities. What do you think?
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Old 07-25-2017, 11:15 AM
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Betty,
Welcome and glad you posted. You are getting a lot of good advice from all the posters above. On this forum, we have seen a lot of domestic violence from the hands of addicts and we take safety as the number one priority.

Contacting the DV hotline is anonymous so there is no fear of anyone contacting you. I also second the motion to get him out of the house. I know you probably don't think that your son has been affected over the last couple years, but I am sure he has. I am sure he worries about your safety.

Until you can get things under control, please get yourself out of the home if he is drinking, don't engage. Have a bag packed and hid in your car, in case you need to leave quickly. This way you are and your son are safe, and have a few supplies for the evening. You can return in the morning when he has (hopefully) slept it off.

Stay safe my friend. Never underestimate what someone could do under the influence, we read about it daily in the newspaper.
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