Separation Under the Same Roof 2
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 6
Separation Under the Same Roof 2
Hi everyone. I'm holding up pretty well, but wanted to share what's been happening with my situation and I would appreciate your feedback. I read Anodes' thread and decided to share.
AH and I have been separated for 4 months; he spends almost every weekend here at home. There is still a connection between us but it's that push and pull kind. His lease is up in a week and he told me he was apartment hunting. He currently has a roommate, but wants his own place so that our kids can visit him without any awkwardness. They don't like to spend the night because they feel as if they're imposing. I told him that I thought it was financially smarter that he move back home until we sort things out. I told him that this is by no means a way to get him back, and I truly mean it. My ship is slowly making its way out of the harbor. He replied that he'd been thinking the same. I told him that I would think about it a bit more and that he should do the same before making a decision.
I shared this with my kids (14 and 13) and they said they agreed with the idea, although they're also aware no decision has been made.
I told all parties that if the living arrangement was inhospitable for anyone, then, he could continue apartment hunting.
We have all grown (more emotionally stable, as well as attending meetings, counseling and etc.) and therefore, in my mind, living together but separated will be smooth and beneficial for various reasons. Is this ludicrous?
AH and I have been separated for 4 months; he spends almost every weekend here at home. There is still a connection between us but it's that push and pull kind. His lease is up in a week and he told me he was apartment hunting. He currently has a roommate, but wants his own place so that our kids can visit him without any awkwardness. They don't like to spend the night because they feel as if they're imposing. I told him that I thought it was financially smarter that he move back home until we sort things out. I told him that this is by no means a way to get him back, and I truly mean it. My ship is slowly making its way out of the harbor. He replied that he'd been thinking the same. I told him that I would think about it a bit more and that he should do the same before making a decision.
I shared this with my kids (14 and 13) and they said they agreed with the idea, although they're also aware no decision has been made.
I told all parties that if the living arrangement was inhospitable for anyone, then, he could continue apartment hunting.
We have all grown (more emotionally stable, as well as attending meetings, counseling and etc.) and therefore, in my mind, living together but separated will be smooth and beneficial for various reasons. Is this ludicrous?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Hi Caprigirl,
A really tough call for you when as you say the ship is slowly making its way out of the harbour. I guess only you know if a turnaround is possible. I suspect your AH is missing the connection daily with the kids. You are right that separate lives under the same roof is tough. I think as humans the need for emotional, loving and human touch is so important to our well being. my kids are providing me this and that is why I cannot break the life on hold. A day at a time..... Your heart will guide you what the right decision is, your head will validate your thoughts. My thoughts are with you. Take care
A really tough call for you when as you say the ship is slowly making its way out of the harbour. I guess only you know if a turnaround is possible. I suspect your AH is missing the connection daily with the kids. You are right that separate lives under the same roof is tough. I think as humans the need for emotional, loving and human touch is so important to our well being. my kids are providing me this and that is why I cannot break the life on hold. A day at a time..... Your heart will guide you what the right decision is, your head will validate your thoughts. My thoughts are with you. Take care
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Caprigirl.....I have seen many people try this, and the only time I have seen it work for any period of time was one couple who had been married for many years and had no children in the mix. They also had a large house that had separate entrances, and, had very strict boundaries in place.....They were able to cut the house in half, almost, literally....with their own bath and kitchen facilities in their own section....
I know how attractive this looks, on the surface...because it seems like it would solve so many practical issues....
But, the way I see it...the down side is one that is not easily visible to the naked eye, but can have very negative results, down the road...It is the effect on the children...
I think that most children harbor the (mostly secret) desire for their parents to get back together in a good, happy family kind of way....and, they will not always tell you...especially, if they are older....
So, living together when the outcome is highly likely to be separation, again....just sets them up for confusion and disappointment....once again....
Your kids are at a very pivotal age...entering into the teenage years. They will need clear boundaries about their relationships, even more than ever...because, boundaries are where they draw a lot of their security....Clear messages and clear boundaries are so important...based on reality...
Make no mistake...from my own experience, I can tell you that kids are very aware of the atmosphere in the home...and the relationship between their parents...they can smell and feel any tension....they are like sponges that absorb everything in their environment...
It has been my experience that parents almost always underestimate what their kids see and know....and, just because they are not talking about it doesn't mean that they are unaware....
I, also, know that it is hard to live in the same house as someone else and not be acutely aware of them and have expectations of them.....
As you can guess by now...I think the living in the same house, under this kind of condition, looks a lot more attractive that it is, in reality.....
I wish I could say something more encouraging to you, but I really can't.....not without ignoring reality....
I do wish you all...especially the children...the best....
I know how attractive this looks, on the surface...because it seems like it would solve so many practical issues....
But, the way I see it...the down side is one that is not easily visible to the naked eye, but can have very negative results, down the road...It is the effect on the children...
I think that most children harbor the (mostly secret) desire for their parents to get back together in a good, happy family kind of way....and, they will not always tell you...especially, if they are older....
So, living together when the outcome is highly likely to be separation, again....just sets them up for confusion and disappointment....once again....
Your kids are at a very pivotal age...entering into the teenage years. They will need clear boundaries about their relationships, even more than ever...because, boundaries are where they draw a lot of their security....Clear messages and clear boundaries are so important...based on reality...
Make no mistake...from my own experience, I can tell you that kids are very aware of the atmosphere in the home...and the relationship between their parents...they can smell and feel any tension....they are like sponges that absorb everything in their environment...
It has been my experience that parents almost always underestimate what their kids see and know....and, just because they are not talking about it doesn't mean that they are unaware....
I, also, know that it is hard to live in the same house as someone else and not be acutely aware of them and have expectations of them.....
As you can guess by now...I think the living in the same house, under this kind of condition, looks a lot more attractive that it is, in reality.....
I wish I could say something more encouraging to you, but I really can't.....not without ignoring reality....
I do wish you all...especially the children...the best....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
I have to agree with Dandy. I am sure you still love him as he does you. But in your heart you are thinking, saving money and convience seeing the kids. I also think it gives the kids "hope" that mom and dad will get back to gether. If you feel this is not in the equation, I would not put them through that again.
When I was going through my storm with my axh, I know my therapist told me that seperation is nothing. file for divorce. It is a long process and if he understands the severity of what you are doing and the out come you want, then he will get his crxp together. Most addicts, this is not their rock bottom.
I know that you are adults and can handle this plan, but just not so sure a 13 and 14 year old can. Good luck with your decision.
I have to agree with Dandy. I am sure you still love him as he does you. But in your heart you are thinking, saving money and convience seeing the kids. I also think it gives the kids "hope" that mom and dad will get back to gether. If you feel this is not in the equation, I would not put them through that again.
When I was going through my storm with my axh, I know my therapist told me that seperation is nothing. file for divorce. It is a long process and if he understands the severity of what you are doing and the out come you want, then he will get his crxp together. Most addicts, this is not their rock bottom.
I know that you are adults and can handle this plan, but just not so sure a 13 and 14 year old can. Good luck with your decision.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
While it all seems fine and good now, when you each decide to keep moving on in your lives and disagree on things (which will happen), it will be difficult and possibly hard on your children.
Just food for thought.
Just food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My two cents……..
I do not think in this particular situation it is wise to move the alcoholic who is still drinking back into the home. Just a month ago you were teetering with the idea of working it all out again because he said he loved you but then 2 weeks later he was on the fence again.
I know infidelity was involved and can’t help but think maybe he’s not got someone on the side right now but what happens when he does? How are you going to handle that?
And what has he done in these past few months of separation regarding his “drinking issue”? It just doesn’t seem like he’s done anything to make a change and just because you feel like the boat is leaving the harbor that cody heart really wants him back………………and just for that reason alone it’s not a good idea to have the person you needed to separate from come right back after really doing nothing at all to warrant it.
I do not think in this particular situation it is wise to move the alcoholic who is still drinking back into the home. Just a month ago you were teetering with the idea of working it all out again because he said he loved you but then 2 weeks later he was on the fence again.
I know infidelity was involved and can’t help but think maybe he’s not got someone on the side right now but what happens when he does? How are you going to handle that?
And what has he done in these past few months of separation regarding his “drinking issue”? It just doesn’t seem like he’s done anything to make a change and just because you feel like the boat is leaving the harbor that cody heart really wants him back………………and just for that reason alone it’s not a good idea to have the person you needed to separate from come right back after really doing nothing at all to warrant it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I had been attending Alanon meetings, seeing my therapist, keeping my distance from my AH, and exercising until...my AH came to visit our kids (we've been separated 4 months) and told me he wanted to "try" again because he loved me. He even played some songs for me which "made him nostalgic" about us. I put all my eggs in that basket once again. Fast forward 2 weeks and he is on the fence again because "I'm doing so well without him."
you only need the fingers of one hand to count the days between the above and now. i'm gonna call you out on your "reasons" for him moving back in. it's not financial, it's because you aren't ready to be DONE yet.
there are spouses here that can't get the COURTS to move the alcoholic out of the home. and unless there was some sudden onset of sobriety you forgot to mention, your husband is still an ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC. they make terrible roommates, among other things. if you are separating, stay SEPARATE.
you only need the fingers of one hand to count the days between the above and now. i'm gonna call you out on your "reasons" for him moving back in. it's not financial, it's because you aren't ready to be DONE yet.
there are spouses here that can't get the COURTS to move the alcoholic out of the home. and unless there was some sudden onset of sobriety you forgot to mention, your husband is still an ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC. they make terrible roommates, among other things. if you are separating, stay SEPARATE.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
My ah spent the better part of our 20 year marriage coming and going as he pleased. I could never get him to move out even though he hardly ever wanted to be here. It finally happened when he got a DUI but if I asked him to come home now he would NEVER leave again.
Buyer beware.
Buyer beware.
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