Anger and alcohol
 

My dad is an alcoholic, I talked about it in my last post. He seems to always get angry so easily. The littlest things set him off. We were celebrating my birthday earlier and something as little as the ice maker making him angry. It's very frustrating how his issues ruin anything good for me. I really wish he wouldn't get so angry all of the time for nothing. I hate it. It puts me in a bad mood as well. I don't know what to do. Does anyone know?

SB, I can only tell you that when I was your age I had no idea my mother was an alcoholic, but I did know that she was angry all the time, and that everyone else's duty in the family was to try to "keep Mom from getting mad."

I know now that there was nothing I can do or say or be to prevent her from getting angry, and I know now that neither her anger, her depression or her alcoholism had anything to do with me.

I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self that until she believed it, so that she wouldn't waste one more second of her precious life trying to manage someone else's happiness.

Get out of the house as much as you can. When he is angry, remind yourself it's nothing to do with you and that his anger is his to manage. As much as possible, try to protect yourself from being collateral damage.

You can't fix him. He has to fix himself, and first he has to want to fix himself. You can't do that for me. Take care of yourself as much as possible.

Don't let his issues become issues for you. Use them as teaching tools instead. Learning what to do, is sometimes taught by reverse example. An example being that we learn about courage by encountering fear. When you encounter his anger, let it teach you about patience.

He might be captain of the angry team, but you can play for the other side.

Hate so much you are dealing with this.

What helped me was "Never let me imagine that my happiness depends on what someone else may do" ODAT in Alanon pg 234.

Also reading literature on Detachment -
Don't give up before the miracle happens in you. You deserve it.
Pink hugs (hope unity gratitude & serenity)

Do you listen to the Dear Sugars podcast? When my parents got ill, and my sister went AWOL emotionally and physically, this podcast really just helped me keep it together.

The first letter...
The Family We Carry | Dear Sugars

AND the sequel...you can skip to the 39:05 mark
Happy One Year Of Sugar | Dear Sugars

Another podcast that might be helpful (ignore the title!)
Dear Prudence podcast: The ?Bidet and Boujee? edition.

You can listen to the whole thing or you can skip to the 21:00 mark. I thought that Mallory/Prudence's answer was very much on the mark (she's has the second response.)

This, 100%. Same is true with dry drunks. Doesn't matter if their last drink was 12 hours ago or 12 years ago. If they haven't addressed the underlying issues they can still be mean as hell. Not drinking is just the very first step.

Try saying to him that his anger is making you feel anxious, and spoiling the fun for you. Another option is to remove yourself from the scene when he gets like that. You don't have to say anything.

My brother is an alcoholic, too, Soapbubbles.
He is always angry.
Goes with the condition, I think.
Good luck.

I agree, my nickname for my axh is "angry Adam". Not sure why, but he's always pxssed off at someone. (usually me)

Hugs and leave the room, house or town when you see he's mad, so he doesn't ruin your day. Thats one thing I don't miss with my axh.

Hi Soapbubbles,

My heart really felt for you when I read your post.

No one deserves to have to deal with a parent's drinking on their birthday.

I went through some difficult things when I was your age, and the thing to remember is that your life will not always be like it is right now - it will get much better as you get older !

Keep reminding yourself of that, and before you know it, you will be an adult and in your own home and with a partner who cares about you.

It is tough at your age being in a difficult situation, but you will get through it.

Have you had a look at the Just 4 Teens section on the Nacoa site ? If you scroll down this page from the link below, there is also some info about AlaTeen which is a group for teens who have a parent who drinks too much ...

Just 4 Teens ? NACOA

This article might also be helpful ...

http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coping-alcoholic.html

There is some info about Alateen and Alateen meetings here ...

http://al-anon.org/for-alateen

Alateen also has chat meetings here ...

http://al-anon.org/try-an-alateen-chat-meeting

Oh yeah, I know this well...

My alcoholic husband has ruined just about every major and minor holiday for 10 years. It's almost like there is something about all the promised joy and fun that makes some of them want to destroy it for everyone.

Happy birthday, by the way. I'm so bummed for you that your dad ruined what should have been a very special day for you. I wish you were remembering the cake and presents and not dad's rage-fit.

Have you expressed your feelings to your dad? Do you think he knows he has a problem and that it is affecting you?

How old are you, soap?

I did not have an alcoholic parent but my mom certainly parent like she was mentally ill. I know that she suffered abuse as a child but has never dealt with it.

you are so wise already and I'm glad that you found your way here.

hugs.

What's sad is the alcoholic is angry, and then the spouse (me) gets angry because the A is being an A, and being angry. Not good at all. My AW got trashed at our son's 4th b-day party. Luckily, he was so wound up and distracted with everything going on and all the people around, he didn't even realize how bad she was.

I'm sorry, Soap, that you have to deal with this. I hope you can find a school counselor to talk to, or Alateen, or something. Everyone's home should be their safe place, and it's not that way for you.

COD

Not an excuse- an observation- I was angry and lashed out when I drank because I hated myself.

Thanks PJ for trying to get us codies to "comprehend" .

You are one of my favorite (sober) A's on this forum!!! Keep working your program my friend, you got this!!!!!

We love you here on F&F!!

Thank you, I have tried telling him about how I feel but I think I've given up because it's like talking to a brick wall

I am 16.

-
Thank you, I am going to try the online chat.

hey soapbubbles, im very glad you found this site and applaud you for reaching out for help.
im truly sorry you are experiencing what you are.
PLEASE know that NOTHING your dad says to you or about you defines who you are.

good on ya for checking out the alateen chat meetings!:You_Rock_
i see you are in toronto. im not the best at searching sites, but it looks like toronto doesnt have alateen meetings? however, it looks like theres a lot of alanon meetings. maybe you could attend some alanon meetings? from what i read, teens are welcome at alanon meetings and you deserve the f2f support from people who understand and can help you with solutions.

you deserve sooooo much and im very glad to read you reaching out for help now.
and please keep posting here about anything- theres a TON of experience, strength, and hope here

Yes! The Al Anon meeting I attend has a very diverse age-range-- from very young adults to senior citizens. I would say the average age is pretty young though-- many people in their 20's dealing with parents' alcoholism. If there isn't an Alateen meeting near you, you could find support from Al Anon and perhaps some much-needed adult mentorship.

Perhaps give the central office a call and let them know what you are going through and see if they can suggest a meeting (meetings are all a bit different in character).

http://al-anon.org/al-anon-in-ontario/toronto

There will probably be a newcomer liaison who will be available to answer questions and help put you in touch with a sponsor. Your sponsor will be there for you to talk to and will work the program with you.