Newlife17

I am almost done gathering paperwork for my lawyer to file a divorce petition. Tonight during dinner, he mentioned a camping trip for the summer during our daughter's time off before starting school in September (she's 5) and I've been looking into vacation plans as though he won't be coming with us. We don't really discuss anything unless it has to do with our child. Lately he's been trying to make me look like a neglectful or mean parent when he's been drinking. Anyway, he reminded me tonight that he had spoken with me earlier this year about a family summer vacation but at that time I told him I wasn't willing to make plans with him unless he was ready to get sober and get into a real recovery program. He says he still wants to go away together as a family but that I won't let him. And he still won't go to detox, rehab, or even an outpatient program. He lies and tells me he goes to AA meetings; he comes back smelling like booze and cigarettes and falls asleep early every single night.
He's been to rehab though only for 21 days and attended AA for a few months last year until he relapsed in full force. Before he went to rehab he'd been drinking daily, was hospitalized for DT, lost several jobs, etc etc etc. since his relapse, he's been in a few car accidents, has managed to get fired again and now works as a temp. He's stopped taking antidepressants and anti anxiety meds he was prescribed, and since I told him I was going forward with divorce a few months ago, stopped seeing his psychiatrist, got dumped by an addiction counselor, and now is sporadically seeing our marriage counselor on an individual basis (I stppped the couples sessions in May). He also gave up his art and art studio which he used to take pride in.
Anyway, I'm mainly feeling sad for my child. She will definitely feel it when her dad isn't around for vacation. She's been sort of showing anger lately when he's not around, and gets withdrawn sometimes. I try my best to keep her busy and to be cheerful and social around others and her. I encourage her to express her feelings with me. I do think he will try to make me feel guilty about depriving her of a family holiday. But I just don't know if I can tolerate another vacation where I'm paying for everything and he just spends time with us when he feels like it, and is totally absent otherwise. I just feel done with the sham of a marriage and have no interest in continuing as he apparently has no interest in giving up his addiction and continuing to spiral in denial and shame, taking us down with him. I feel overwhelmed with my demanding job, taking care of household finances, getting my child ready for a new school and arranging all the child care and after school activities, and trying to take care of myself. I am in weekly therapy and have a few great friends that know the situation. It is still challenging emotionally though.
Thank you for letting me rant.

Sotiredofitall

A child's therapist was wonderful for my grandaughter when she was five and her family divorced. Its a neutral third party that is all there for the child and NO ulterior motives. You might consider it if your daughter is showing signs of stress.

Maudcat

Hi, Newlife.
Yah, he isn't ready yet.
Be there for your daughter.
And take care, best you can, of yourself.
It's really hard when there are children, because you feel so sad and mad for them.
Good thoughts coming your way.

dandylion

Newlife.....I can remember, well, when I was 5yrs. old.....and what it was l ike, to be having fun....
I don't think your daughter is going to be as upset, as you think, about him not being along on the vacation. Kids are much more capable of "living in the present" than most adults are......

Do you really think that he is that concerned that your family life is not in the Norman Rockwell image? It looks, to me, like his need to drink has trumped that long ago....But, it still remains a good weapon to use as leverage against you, right now.....

I understand that the changes are difficult, emotionally, for you....especially, at first....It is the reality that you are facing, in order to get yourself and your daughter to a better quality of life....
I really think that your vacation will be a lot better without him along.....
He seems to be showing up a day late and a dollar short.....

None of this is easy...and, those of us who have been through it can testify to that!

Newlife17

Thank you. I got a recommendation for a child psychologist. I will definitely contact them this week. She (my child) is seemingly the only person in his life that he feels close to and he calls her his best friend. It's unfair to her and she does show signs of stress. I don't want her to grow up isolated and ashamed.

Newlife17

Thank you. I'm trying to take things baby steps at a time.

Newlife17

Thank you dandylion. You're right. He does not care about maintaining a family except for how it will benefit him and allow him to keep his addiction going. No matter what he tells me I know it's true. He doesn't care if people see him around town drinking by himself every single day or that he berates me in public. None of it matters. He told me I haven't changed and nowadays I tell him I am making changes and decisions for myself since he won't do anything to help himself and our situation. It makes him angrier at me. I just can't care. All I care about it making life better for me and our child. It is emotionally draining right now though. You're right- using this family stuff is leverage to him.

AnvilheadII

He says he still wants to go away together as a family but that I won't let him.

and how is he doing as a FAMILY participant at the home? how invested is he in the child on a daily basis?

he could care less about the "family" aspect, he just doesn't wanna get left out on a "vacation" somewhere. it's all "but what about meeeeeee?"

any ADULT who claims their best friend is a 5 year old has some serious issues.

you are not depriving your child of anything. you are protecting her. the sooner she is away from active alcoholism, anger and strife in the home the better.

BlownOne

There is no one as willfully blind as an alcoholic lost in their disease. Hugs to you, Newlife.

PinkPetuna

Newlife17,
When my daughter was young (early elementary age), she asked to go on a "girls only-mommy/daughter" vacation. I wanted to do it by my AH convinced me not to do this saying "vacations were for family". To this day, I regret my decision to not go. I don't get a do-over. I would do anything to get that time back and make a different decision. You can take this opportunity to make this a great bonding experience with your daughter.
I wish you well,
PinkPetuna