NatashaRomanova

Hey everyone, how you all doing?
I don't get it. Im worse off. My Alcoholic boyfriend is worse off. And we've both been seeking help. He's been going to group therapy programs. And just started seeing a therapist on an individual basis. I've been going to Al-Anon meetings. Different ones too. Trying to find a fit I guess. And before anyone says he needs to be in AA, it just doesn't make sense. AA reports an 8% success rate. He's not gonna even give it a try.

And I'm exploding at him, being snippy with him, being angry, resentful, and full of fear. Whenever I'm not being a total sweetheart and very understanding and cupportive that is.
He's away for a 2night trip with his dad. I'm suspecting that his dad took him on this trip because I told him that his son wasn't doing to well. (Leaving out the specifics that he has been on a huge bender) ...It's really funny how he sobered up since he knew the trip with his father was coming up. But I digress.

Now he's messaging me about how awful he feels. (Insomnia and homesick and crying, feeling like things are pointless) And I am partly to blame because of the huge fight I had with him yesterday. He was more callous and cruel, but I was shouting my head off. We make quite the pair!

And I don't know what to say to him? How do I tell someone who believes I hate them not to be suicidal?

dandylion

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html

Natasha...it would be good for you to read this, above article, again.....

The Basic.....3 Cs You didn't Cause; You cant Control it; You Can't fix it.....

dandylion

Natasha.....I can imagine your frustration....as someone, myself, who tried to get my qualifier to change and commit to sobriety.....
You can beat yourself against the wall until you are bloody...and, they will still do what it is that THEY want to do....
Until they decide , for whatever reason,within themselves, that they want to get sober....you can't make them want it....

You have to decide how you want your life to be.....

In my experience and observations, an alcoholic who wants to get sober will grab onto any help that there is......(referring, again, to the above article that I suggested to you)......

Ladybird579

AA reports an 8% success rate. He's not gonna even give it a try.

So he won't be in the 8% cos even fewer can do it alone but more likely it is an excuse cos he doesn't want to stop drinking and as Dandylion has said there is nothing you can do about that.

So what did I do in the same situation as you only married? I got clued up..read the stickies here, read stuff online, bought books recommended and learnt everything I could about my codependency and my enabling of my alcoholic husband. I learnt about me..NOT him. I realised I had choices in this car crash I was living and I took steps to change my life to how I wanted it. I first had to work out what I wanted tho once I had learnt he was never going to change and I could only fix myself. I needed recovery from my codependency as much as he did from his alcohol addiction. I took the steps to recovery myself and the rest fell into place gradually over time. He never sought recovery in any meaningful way..he did things to appease me, as your boyfriend is doing, but in the end it didn't matter cos I realised my life and happiness was not dependent on him being sober. It was dependent on me.

Forward12

That you're done. Don't keep putting yourself through this torment. You deserve much better.

Needabreak

You don't. You call 911 and let them know the situation so that trained professionals can come to deal with it.

You'll discover one of two things:

1: it will turn out that he is just trying to manipulate you, in a very cruel and selfish way. If this is the case, a visit from the authorities will probably put a stop to the behavior.

2: It will turn out that he really is suicidal, and you will have gotten him the help he needs.

BlownOne

I'd like to know where you came up with the 8% success rate for AA, because I'm sorry, but those numbers are impossible to quantify. What I will tell you is that I know many many people who have joined AA and have found the tools to combat their alcoholism. Do ppl relapse? Sure. Do ppl leave and go back to drinking? Sure. Do ppl get sober for years and years and then go back to drinking? Sure. But many many ppl also get sober, embrace recovery and stay sober. I'm one of them, and I'm not alone. The bottom line is, very few ppl can get sober and stay sober unless they want to BE sober, no matter what type of recovery program you choose to embrace. Best wishes to you =)

tomsteve

id like to see the AA report!
12 years in AA and i havent ever seen ANY type of report on success rate.
but dam glad i decided to put myself in whatever % was successful.

diagnosed stage 3 melanoma in 06, statistics( REAL statistics from EVERYONE who had been diagnosed stage 3) said 19% of people diagnosed stage 3 survive 5 years.
i made myself a 19%er.


probably time for ya to start working THE program of alanon and toss your program out.

Seren

Hi Natasha,

Really the only one who can decide whether or not this relationship is worth it is you.

Let's say for the sake of conversation that your BF was doing all the right things. Working with his therapist, doing great at this job, enjoying his hobbies, *not* drinking. What if he kept this up for a year or more? Would you be able to trust him? Would you be able to concentrate on your own life without being completely consumed with him, what he's doing, how his day is going....without completely taking on his emotions? Would it ever be enough?

If the answer to these questions is no, then you may have some important decisions to make and actions to take. But this is entirely up to you...

Sending you wishes for peace and clarity.

AnvilheadII

maybe it's time to just call it DONE. cuz it ain't working.

no program does the work FOR the addict. or the codependent, overeater, gambler. the individual gets OUT of it exactly what they put IN.

Bekindalways

^^^^^ I can witness to that pain!

My qualifier said he was going to do it on his own and I realized this would never happen. I left and cut contact with him . . . . cutting contact was a bit easier in 1988 than today but the psychedelic, glow in the dark, writhe inducing pain was the same as I see today on this forum. Ugh!!

The bummer part for me was that there was no quick fix. I certainly have done better on my own but dealing with my hangups: chronic depression, laziness, self acceptance have been a life long project.

Courage to all who are trying to live just a bit better. I'm off to check my calendar, work on taxes and call a neighbor.

ladyscribbler

I had to start working on myself for real. To do that, I had to let go of the idea that his sobriety was a solution to any of my problems, and work with the end goal of becoming a healthier, happier person. I had to stop measuring my own success based on how badly or well I thought his life was going.

FallenAngelina

Just as your BF needs to work on his stuff, you need to work on yours. Al-Anon is ALL about working on exactly how you're describing yourself here. When I started Al-Anon, I promised myself that I wouldn't stop searching until I found a meeting or two that worked for me. I knew that just going in to give it a try wouldn't lead me anywhere. It doesn't matter what percentage of people are successful, I wanted to be part of Al-Anon's success rate, whatever it is. What do you want?

maia1234

Natasha,
Nothing changes if nothing changes.

If you were working "your" alanon program it woudn't matter if AA had a 8% or 800% success rate. His success has nothing to do with you or your happiness. Him getting sober, will not truly make you happy, as that is only an "inside" job that only you can make happen. Once you truly grasp that, you will find peace within yourself.

Keep attending alanon meetings, hit an open AA meeting, and keep reading all over this forum.