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Tired of my dads alcohol abuse

Old 07-21-2017, 09:37 PM
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Unhappy Tired of my dads alcohol abuse

Hi, I'm 16 years old and I just joined this forum. I'm not sure if this forum is only for recovering addicts or people affected by them as well. I am extremely frustrated with my dads addiction to alcohol and I'm down to my last straw so I found this website. Even if I can't help him, I really need to help myself and reach out to people who understand what I'm dealing with. I've tried so many times to help him but in the end he needs to want to get better and I'm sick and tired of trying to push him into it. He's admitted he's an alcoholic but he just won't get help and I don't understand why. He becomes a different person when he's drunk, he can't stand still, he can barely walk properly, literally a few minutes ago he fell down. He also says things and doesn't remember saying them by morning. He is a high functioning alcoholic, he goes to work everyday sober but comes home and gets drunk every night. He thinks because he takes care of his responsibilities he doesn't have a problem. Which makes me very angry because he clearly has an issue. He constantly makes fun of me for everything and claims it's only a joke and that I need to just laugh. Why would anyone laugh at hurtful jokes directed towards them, coming from their inebriated parent? He tries saying I am miserable and that I need help when the entire reason I'm miserable is because of him and what he does everyday. I have no siblings or anyone to help me, my mother is also an alcoholic and i no longer have a relationship with her anymore, she lives with someone else. I think I am very resentful towards my parents because their problems took away a huge chunk of my life. I was forced to grow up mentally at a very young age just so I could get by and because of that I really don't fit in with any kids my age. I was never able to have friends over, because I feared my drunk parents would cause a scene. There was constant fighting between them when they were together, but now there's constant fighting between me and my dad, all because he initiates the fights and I want to help him get better. I don't know any other kids that are burdened by their parents poor choices in life and it is very upsetting to me. I don't have many friends because I have become a very closed off person after dealing with this my entire life. I don't think I will ever feel better until I wipe my parents from my life (unless they choose to be clean and apologize. Which will never happen.) I'm not sure what I expect from this forum, I just wanted to see if anyone else understands what I am dealing with, it would make things a bit better. I feel very alone when it comes to dealing with this. Thank you for reading.
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Old 07-21-2017, 10:14 PM
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SB- you are not alone. For what it is worth, I posted on your other thread.
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Old 07-21-2017, 11:41 PM
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Oh honey, I can feel the sadness and desperation in your post. I wish I could make you a cup of tea and tell you it's going to be alright.

But you are correct only your parents can decide to get help. Also know you are in no way responsible for their choices. You probably know that intellectually, but I hope you really know deep down that their drinking isn't because they don't love you or there is something wrong with you. They have an addiction and with that comes deep denial.

You deserve parents who are sober and present for you. You really do deserve that and it breaks my heart they aren't able to show up for you.
But you are not alone. Unfortunately, there are LOTS of people your age who struggle with alcoholic parents. There is a program called Alateen specifically for teens dealing with this issue.

Do you have any family members you can trust who can help you get to a meeting? You will find others your age who understand exactly what you are going through.
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Old 07-22-2017, 12:01 AM
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Warm welcome to you, SoapBubbles.

You have come to the right place. My dad drank too. I relate to a lot of what you say.
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Old 07-22-2017, 08:14 AM
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Hi!
I get it.
My dad had epilepsy on top of his alcoholism , the combination of the two caused his death at 46 when I was your age.
He drove drunk as well but it was all normal to me.
My mum wouldn't leave him even though I begged her and now at 50 I'm in al anon which has helped a great deal.
I haven't spoke to my mum in years.Its just too awkward and painful.
I had no one to talk to about it.
I'm sure you'll find plenty of help and support here.
You sound a smart and clever person. Keep posting and reading xx
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Old 07-22-2017, 08:36 AM
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Hi Soapy, what a horrible situation to be caught in, and so disruptive for your studies. You know you can't help him, as he has to want to help himself and his insensitive joking would just make it worse.
Think about what support you can access. There is Alateen, school counsellors, maybe extended family like grandparents, aunts or uncles. School especially may be able to put you in touch with other support services. It's important you stay safe, so if you have any concerns like him driving you drunk or smoking and falling asleep, I suggest you tell your school about it right away.

Secrecy doesn't serve anyone but the alcoholic, so don't feel you have to hide your Dad's condition from relatives and friends. They need to know so they can help you.
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Old 07-22-2017, 09:04 AM
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I don't know any other kids that are burdened by their parents poor choices in life and it is very upsetting to me. I don't have many friends because I have become a very closed off person after dealing with this my entire life.
I have no idea where you live but if you could find an Alateen group I'm sure it would help loads.

My nanny abused my sister and I when we were children. My mom worked two jobs and my dad just stuck his head in the sand and didn't make a fuss at all. One time, my nanny slapped me so hard that my teeth sliced my lip. I went into the bathroom, saw my face, and started laughing hysterically because I looked so pathetic. My dad was home -he must have seen what was happening- but didn't do anything about it. I ended up walking in circles in my backyard in the rain for two hours. I supposed I figured that she wouldn't go after me because it was raining and she wouldn't dare hit me outside. The neighbors must have wondered something was up, but nobody said anything. I'm still very angry about that.

I was twelve at the time and it was the first time that it really hit me that I was going to have to take care of myself - that nobody was going to stand up for me.
It was such a despairing, lonely feeling. I also had no friends that I could talk to about this - everybody in my school was cheery and happy. The fact that I was a world class nerd didn't exactly help matters either.

In the end, it just took ONE friend to get things started. She showed me the way.
I went to HS, got bullied there too, but things were made so much better because I knew I was going to get the hell out of dodge. I made a plan to get out of my town and get out of my house and that's what kept me going. And while I was at HS,I made an active effort to spend as little time in my house as possible by signing up for any and every activity under the book. I befriended my teachers and little by little I made my own family, a hodgepodge collection of mentors and friends that got me through. However, I didn't tell them what was going on at home.

I will give you a warning - I went to college, and it was the first time that I could actually relax when I got "home". I loved college at first partly because it was the first time in my life that I wasn't in survival mode. But then all the feelings that I had walled in throughout my childhood came rushing in, and then I had to deal with the depression that came with that. By then though, I had enough of a strong foundation to tackle that without turning to drugs and alcohol. I was fortunate to have one professor in particular who I found trustworthy enough to tell my story.

My sister, however, was not so lucky. But that is another story for another day.

So to summarize ...
1) Plan to get the hell out of there. Make it as SPECIFIC as possible. And lay the groundwork now for that to happen. And be strategic about it. I had one or two acquaintances who got pregnant/got married straight out of HS to get out of the house. I can guarantee you that is NOT the way to do it.

2) Start seeking out your own family. You call the shots, so you can choose people who can actually help you on your way. And again be picky. Don't choose people that mirror your parents.

3) I'm going to recommend two books. One is "Deep Survival" by Laurence Gonzalez. The other is "My Name is Lucy Barton" by Elizabeth Strout. I often read the first one when the S#!7 hits the fan and it helps me think things through. The second book, well, I felt so much of my own story was told there. You may find your own relationship with your parents mirrored in this book.

It is hard. It sucks. But you can get through this. You can survive and even thrive in such circumstances. I can assure you it can be done.
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Old 07-22-2017, 09:49 AM
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I am so so sorry and trust me when I say I was once in a very similar situation. My bio dad was a pothead and his wife was a partier that loved to drink and do drugs. My mom was an alcoholic that married a fellow alcoholic.

My stepdad was actually the nicest of them all, very calm and laid back so never an issue there. But my mom would go into rages when drunk and go out of her way to pick on me. I was the only child living with my mom/stepdad. I stopped going to my dads at a young age beucase I hated and they didn't really want to see me anyway. (hit to my self esteem #1).

Likewise I only had one friend (her mom was a drunk, too) that understood well enough that I could have stay the night. I was far too embarrassed by my moms drunken rantings to ever have friends over. Her & I my dad would fight...Well my mom would scream at my dad and he would try to calm her down but that never worked well. Or would she would come after me and make me feel like the worst person alive. I also felt like my childhood was completely stolen because of their issues. It left me feeling worthless and when I was older I wound up first marrying a non-alcoholic but controlling jerk that was abusive. Divorced him then Hubs #2 is a drunk and drug addict. I never fixed those issues created from childhood - mainly self esteem issues.

Please please please do NOT follow in my footsteps. Do you have access to counseling? Is there anyway you could move in with someone that can offer a calm, peaceful household? I think those things right there can get you off to a great start in life. You are SO young, and clearly very aware of what is happening. This is a great thing going for you...You deserve a wonderful, amazing adulthood!!!

There is nothing you can do about your father except try to minimize his effect on you. I know the words hurt, and if there is anyway you can find new living arrangements with a healthy family I would do that. Nothing breaks my heart more than hearing about kids growing up around this. And look into counseling to unleash on these feelings and have a way to healthily process them. And of course, STAY AWAY from alcohol or drugs to help your self feel better. Oftentimes kids wind up in the same predicament in order to self medicate those harsh emotions.
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Old 07-22-2017, 05:45 PM
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Thank you for your replies. I am seeing a counseller, not consistently since she can never seem to fit me in to her schedule. The last time I saw her was probably a month ago, my grandmother passed away on the day I had an appointment with her so I couldn't go. But the last time I opened up about my dads issue and were going to be talking about it and hopefully she can offer me some professional help.
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Old 07-22-2017, 06:39 PM
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That sounds like a good place to start, SoapB.
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Old 07-22-2017, 07:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Soapbubbles View Post
Thank you for your replies. I am seeing a counseller, not consistently since she can never seem to fit me in to her schedule. The last time I saw her was probably a month ago, my grandmother passed away on the day I had an appointment with her so I couldn't go. But the last time I opened up about my dads issue and were going to be talking about it and hopefully she can offer me some professional help.
Don't give up on counseling and finding a good support group. You are in the right place here. We are here for you!
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