Al-anon tips for what to say when on the phone
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Al-anon tips for what to say when on the phone
My T said there's a list of tips you can keep by your phone for what to say when speaking with the alcoholic in your life.
After a google search, I couldn't find it. Does anyone know where I can find this?
After a google search, I couldn't find it. Does anyone know where I can find this?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello!
My late husband and I had some things we tried to keep in mind when talking to his son on the phone.
1) We learned to not react or be pressured into giving an answer to a request. We would tell my stepson that we would think about it and get back him. It allowed us to not feel pressured in the moment for whatever chaotic 'emergency' his addict behavior had caused.
2) Of course, when things did not go his way, he would become verbally abusive to his father (my late husband). When that happened my husband would just refuse to continue the conversation and would tell his son that they could talk some other time once he could be respectful.
3) My stepson's 'reality' was frequently not real. So, we would sometimes have to answer his accusations with "I'm sorry you feel that way."
I'm sure others will have much better answers that they used when talking to their actively addicted loved ones. Wishing you peace!
My late husband and I had some things we tried to keep in mind when talking to his son on the phone.
1) We learned to not react or be pressured into giving an answer to a request. We would tell my stepson that we would think about it and get back him. It allowed us to not feel pressured in the moment for whatever chaotic 'emergency' his addict behavior had caused.
2) Of course, when things did not go his way, he would become verbally abusive to his father (my late husband). When that happened my husband would just refuse to continue the conversation and would tell his son that they could talk some other time once he could be respectful.
3) My stepson's 'reality' was frequently not real. So, we would sometimes have to answer his accusations with "I'm sorry you feel that way."
I'm sure others will have much better answers that they used when talking to their actively addicted loved ones. Wishing you peace!
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Join Date: May 2012
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Assuming you are separated, going full no contact is your best option. If there is a need to speak to them (kids, divorce related) you can do so via email or text. Keep it brief and only talk about what needs to be, no small talk, no "how's it going" etc,..
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My tip is: Do not use the phone. Text only.
I rarely use the phone for anything anymore, since texting is ubiquitous, much easier and I can have convos in my own time and under no pressure. I only use the phone for my mother (who refuses to text,) my BFF and kid related school stuff. Everyone else knows that I'm not a phone person anymore and nobody expects me to phone chat. Using the phone to communicate is certainly not expected the way it was even a few short years ago.
Notify your A that you're texting and only texting now. This way you have all the time you need to think and respond. I guarantee that even if you had that Al-Anon list of phone tips, you wouldn't remember them in the heat of the phone convo moment. Text instead.
I rarely use the phone for anything anymore, since texting is ubiquitous, much easier and I can have convos in my own time and under no pressure. I only use the phone for my mother (who refuses to text,) my BFF and kid related school stuff. Everyone else knows that I'm not a phone person anymore and nobody expects me to phone chat. Using the phone to communicate is certainly not expected the way it was even a few short years ago.
Notify your A that you're texting and only texting now. This way you have all the time you need to think and respond. I guarantee that even if you had that Al-Anon list of phone tips, you wouldn't remember them in the heat of the phone convo moment. Text instead.
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Al-Anon does not produce things like "tips for talking on the phone with the alcoholic."
Al-Anon's only real recommendations are to work through any troubling issues in your life through the lens of the Twelve Steps. What works for one person is not going to be the same as what works for another. There are too many individual factors involved.
What specific issues are you concerned about? No-contact, or contact through email/text only is appropriate in some situations, less so in others. It depends on your relationship, the content of the communication, etc. Two very useful tools are boundaries and detachment, which are aids for keeping the focus on your side of the street and out of the alcoholic's business (including recovery issues). Obviously, when children are involved, some of the alcoholic's behavior is appropriate to be concerned about--especially where custody/visitation issues are concerned. The kids' safety always has to be the primary concern. Even in those situations, though, it's often possible to engage in necessary communication without attempting to manage someone else's life.
Maybe if you provided more details about what you are concerned about, you would get some helpful suggestions from those of us who have BTDT.
Al-Anon's only real recommendations are to work through any troubling issues in your life through the lens of the Twelve Steps. What works for one person is not going to be the same as what works for another. There are too many individual factors involved.
What specific issues are you concerned about? No-contact, or contact through email/text only is appropriate in some situations, less so in others. It depends on your relationship, the content of the communication, etc. Two very useful tools are boundaries and detachment, which are aids for keeping the focus on your side of the street and out of the alcoholic's business (including recovery issues). Obviously, when children are involved, some of the alcoholic's behavior is appropriate to be concerned about--especially where custody/visitation issues are concerned. The kids' safety always has to be the primary concern. Even in those situations, though, it's often possible to engage in necessary communication without attempting to manage someone else's life.
Maybe if you provided more details about what you are concerned about, you would get some helpful suggestions from those of us who have BTDT.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Al-Anon does not produce things like "tips for talking on the phone with the alcoholic."
Al-Anon's only real recommendations are to work through any troubling issues in your life through the lens of the Twelve Steps.
What works for one person is not going to be the same as what works for another. There are too many individual factors involved.
What specific issues are you concerned about? No-contact, or contact through email/text only is appropriate in some situations, less so in others. It depends on your relationship, the content of the communication, etc.
Two very useful tools are boundaries and detachment, which are aids for keeping the focus on your side of the street and out of the alcoholic's business (including recovery issues). Obviously, when children are involved, some of the alcoholic's behavior is appropriate to be concerned about--especially where custody/visitation issues are concerned. The kids' safety always has to be the primary concern. Even in those situations, though, it's often possible to engage in necessary communication without attempting to manage someone else's life.
Maybe if you provided more details about what you are concerned about, you would get some helpful suggestions from those of us who have BTDT.
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Have you considered CoDa? Their handbook might be worth a read, just thinking along the lines of understanding why you react as you do so that you can learn where your puppet strings are and untie them, so you don't need to react as you do any more.
I can imagine that as siblings she's finely tuned in to how to poke just where it hurts. So much so, she might not even realise that's what she is doing. It's likely that her attempts to control come from a place of fear as well.
Anyway. That CoDa handbook was a massive help to me in understanding my own reactions to others.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery .
BB
I can imagine that as siblings she's finely tuned in to how to poke just where it hurts. So much so, she might not even realise that's what she is doing. It's likely that her attempts to control come from a place of fear as well.
Anyway. That CoDa handbook was a massive help to me in understanding my own reactions to others.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery .
BB
A work in progress
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Detachment basically involves not taking the bait. Not getting sucked into any drama the alcoholic tries to pull you into, and not taking alcoholic behavior personally. I used to say to myself, "Ok, here comes script number 32"--sort of looking at it from the outside rather than as something I have to engage with. Non-responses can be helpful too: "Oh, really?" "Wow." "Huh." "That's too bad." "Sorry you feel that way."
Boundaries are rules for YOU--NOT for the alcoholic. They don't ever even need to be communicated to the alcoholic. They might be things like, "If she is rude to me I am going to end the conversation." Which you can then do by saying something like, "I don't appreciate being spoken to that way--when you can speak to me decently I'll be happy to talk to you," and then hanging up. Or making it a practice not to go somewhere with her where you can't escape if things go south. It basically means taking care of yourself so you aren't at the whim of someone else's irrational or abusive behavior.
Boundaries are rules for YOU--NOT for the alcoholic. They don't ever even need to be communicated to the alcoholic. They might be things like, "If she is rude to me I am going to end the conversation." Which you can then do by saying something like, "I don't appreciate being spoken to that way--when you can speak to me decently I'll be happy to talk to you," and then hanging up. Or making it a practice not to go somewhere with her where you can't escape if things go south. It basically means taking care of yourself so you aren't at the whim of someone else's irrational or abusive behavior.
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
Have you considered CoDa? Their handbook might be worth a read, just thinking along the lines of understanding why you react as you do so that you can learn where your puppet strings are and untie them, so you don't need to react as you do any more.
I may still have their handbook, so I will read thru that. I really want to learn a healthier way to react to them, as opposed to reacting the same way I've always reacted, which they eat up.
I can imagine that as siblings she's finely tuned in to how to poke just where it hurts. So much so, she might not even realise that's what she is doing. It's likely that her attempts to control come from a place of fear as well.
I do realize that her strong attempts to be a bitch, a bully, superior, etc come from fear but that doesn't mean I should put up with it. I did my step work and saw with my own eyes how fear made me act and think. Now it's her time.
Anyway. That CoDa handbook was a massive help to me in understanding my own reactions to others.
She is not going to be happy as she figures out that I am no longer reacting to her the same way I've done in childhood and ever since then. I heard it's called "shaking up the apple cart" and she's going to test me more and get worse before things get better.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery .
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Maybe, if you've been through the steps already, it would help to have a look at how you can use what you've done more effectively. I think it's easy to let the ongoing steps slide a bit, and then the effect is lost. The end of day inventory can be a powerful too for thinking about how we can turn things around the next day. I have an OAUK (Overeaters Anon UK) journal that has a brilliant page for end of day inventory for each day.
My favourite part is the list at the back of the book which has 'Self Will' in one column and 'Gods Will ' in the other. It really helps focus me on what the more spiritually healthy way forward is.
My other daily tool is a Humility prayer, which as part of my step 11 helps me to work out more astutely where my fears are coming from, and when I'm getting a little will-full, sussing out what it is that I'm trying to get out of a situation. I don't know about you, but I need help with self-reflection.
This is the Humility Prayer I use...
God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired,
loved,
praised,
favoured,
accepted,
consulted,
well known,
and honoured.
I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised,
ridiculed,
humiliated,
falsely accused,
persecuted,
disbelieved,
despised,
and forgotten.
Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I,
praised when I am unnoticed,
chosen though I may be set aside,
preferred to me,
and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.
Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.
I do believe that although others may know how to press our buttons, when we are able to work out which buttons it was that they pressed (not just knowing how it made us feel, but WHY it made us feel that way) then we can reset our buttons rather than react to it.
The beauty of step 12 is that as we explain to others what worked for us, we are automatically encouraged to make sure that we still do it. If we don't it is a bit of a waste of all that more painful step 4 and 5 work we did.
Are you still working with your sponsor? If so I bet they would be happy to go over those things with you.
BB x
My favourite part is the list at the back of the book which has 'Self Will' in one column and 'Gods Will ' in the other. It really helps focus me on what the more spiritually healthy way forward is.
My other daily tool is a Humility prayer, which as part of my step 11 helps me to work out more astutely where my fears are coming from, and when I'm getting a little will-full, sussing out what it is that I'm trying to get out of a situation. I don't know about you, but I need help with self-reflection.
This is the Humility Prayer I use...
God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired,
loved,
praised,
favoured,
accepted,
consulted,
well known,
and honoured.
I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised,
ridiculed,
humiliated,
falsely accused,
persecuted,
disbelieved,
despised,
and forgotten.
Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I,
praised when I am unnoticed,
chosen though I may be set aside,
preferred to me,
and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.
Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.
I do believe that although others may know how to press our buttons, when we are able to work out which buttons it was that they pressed (not just knowing how it made us feel, but WHY it made us feel that way) then we can reset our buttons rather than react to it.
The beauty of step 12 is that as we explain to others what worked for us, we are automatically encouraged to make sure that we still do it. If we don't it is a bit of a waste of all that more painful step 4 and 5 work we did.
Are you still working with your sponsor? If so I bet they would be happy to go over those things with you.
BB x
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PS This is about staying undisturbed. Sandy Beach is pretty good on steps 10, 11 and 12. Easy listening, good humour, and great explanations. Highly recommended... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...ober-18th-2006
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Detachment basically involves not taking the bait. Not getting sucked into any drama the alcoholic tries to pull you into, and not taking alcoholic behavior personally. I used to say to myself, "Ok, here comes script number 32"--sort of looking at it from the outside rather than as something I have to engage with. Non-responses can be helpful too: "Oh, really?" "Wow." "Huh." "That's too bad." "Sorry you feel that way."
It's hard not to take her behavior personally, because she treats me differently than she treats my husband, for example. I know now she's just crazy and that sane people don't treat people the way she treats me, but it's still not easy to deal with.
She doesn't try to pull me in with drama. She tries to pull me in with being all nicey-nice or by asking me advice.
I love your "Ok here comes script number 32". My therapist had recommended I make a game out of it, like keep a score in my head the number of times she behaves in ways that are expected. I completely forgot to do that. I also forgot to say to myself something my husband recently taught me: "Who talks that way?" A now retired therapist used to suggest I say a la Ronald Regan "There they go again!" Darn it, I don't know why in the moment I don't remember these things. I was able to deflect, which was just like detach, so at least that was a good thing. I like your suggestion of "non responses".
Boundaries are rules for YOU--NOT for the alcoholic. They don't ever even need to be communicated to the alcoholic. They might be things like, "If she is rude to me I am going to end the conversation." Which you can then do by saying something like, "I don't appreciate being spoken to that way--when you can speak to me decently I'll be happy to talk to you," and then hanging up.
Or making it a practice not to go somewhere with her where you can't escape if things go south. It basically means taking care of yourself so you aren't at the whim of someone else's irrational or abusive behavior.
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
Maybe, if you've been through the steps already, it would help to have a look at how you can use what you've done more effectively. I think it's easy to let the ongoing steps slide a bit, and then the effect is lost. The end of day inventory can be a powerful too for thinking about how we can turn things around the next day. I have an OAUK (Overeaters Anon UK) journal that has a brilliant page for end of day inventory for each day.
My favourite part is the list at the back of the book which has 'Self Will' in one column and 'Gods Will ' in the other. It really helps focus me on what the more spiritually healthy way forward is.
My other daily tool is a Humility prayer, which as part of my step 11 helps me to work out more astutely where my fears are coming from, and when I'm getting a little will-full, sussing out what it is that I'm trying to get out of a situation. I don't know about you, but I need help with self-reflection
I do believe that although others may know how to press our buttons, when we are able to work out which buttons it was that they pressed (not just knowing how it made us feel, but WHY it made us feel that way) then we can reset our buttons rather than react to it.
Are you still working with your sponsor? If so I bet they would be happy to go over those things with you.
Why? Because I want to learn TOOLS in how to continue to properly deal with them so they stop trying to f*ck with me once and for all.
They're gonna still test. I know they're not giving up yet.
I'm also concerned because she mentioned something about addiction and it was out of nowhere. I know she was fishing for information. I paused and didn't say anything. It makes me wonder just how safe I am online. I use my email address (that they use) for other websites. I know they're pissed that I keep my life private now from them, and they take it personally. I wouldn't put it past them to somehow find out stuff about me online. Sort of like a way of saying "F*ck you for not telling us what I want to know. I'll find out, just you wait and see." They never allowed me any type of privacy.
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
PS This is about staying undisturbed. Sandy Beach is pretty good on steps 10, 11 and 12. Easy listening, good humour, and great explanations. Highly recommended... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...ober-18th-2006
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Originally Posted by Pathwaytofree
I want to learn TOOLS in how to continue to properly deal with them so they stop trying to f*ck with me once and for all.
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Hanging up the phone works for me. Then not answering if they call back. No need to explain I don't want to be bullied. I've started going into a great mode of being a friend to myself and not letting anyone bully me.
It wasn't learned overnight, but there's no reason it can't be... What happens if they get so pissed they don't want to talk to you? Bliss... peace... a chance to enjoy some wonderful things in life....
It wasn't learned overnight, but there's no reason it can't be... What happens if they get so pissed they don't want to talk to you? Bliss... peace... a chance to enjoy some wonderful things in life....
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Originally Posted by Pathwaytofree
Yes I've been through the steps in AA already. I don't see how they'd be any different with CODA. I do need to stay in 10, 11, and 12 better, though. Any suggestions for how better to do that? Would you be able to PM me a snapshot of the page for the end of day inventory? I made my own out of the questions in the big book, but I wouldn't mind seeing someone else's.
I've seen that somewhere online and I agree, that is really helpful. I know it's not God's will to take her crap or to sit in morbid reflection. It's hard to snap out of it sometimes, though. Any suggestions?
Thanks for the Humility Prayer. I'll print it out and add it to my 11th step. I don't recall seeing that anywhere, either. I know my self-reflection regarding my sibling is that I want her to treat me like a normal person and not like the abusive, arrogant bitch that she is.
I'm not sure I understand this. Can you explain it more?
Yes, but she's not explaining it like you are. She's just sort of like this: "The visit is over, they are spiritually sick people, pray for them, and why are you still thinking about it?"
Why? Because I want to learn TOOLS in how to continue to properly deal with them so they stop trying to f*ck with me once and for all.
They're gonna still test. I know they're not giving up yet.
I'm also concerned because she mentioned something about addiction and it was out of nowhere. I know she was fishing for information. I paused and didn't say anything. It makes me wonder just how safe I am online. I use my email address (that they use) for other websites. I know they're pissed that I keep my life private now from them, and they take it personally. I wouldn't put it past them to somehow find out stuff about me online. Sort of like a way of saying "F*ck you for not telling us what I want to know. I'll find out, just you wait and see." They never allowed me any type of privacy.
I've seen that somewhere online and I agree, that is really helpful. I know it's not God's will to take her crap or to sit in morbid reflection. It's hard to snap out of it sometimes, though. Any suggestions?
Thanks for the Humility Prayer. I'll print it out and add it to my 11th step. I don't recall seeing that anywhere, either. I know my self-reflection regarding my sibling is that I want her to treat me like a normal person and not like the abusive, arrogant bitch that she is.
I'm not sure I understand this. Can you explain it more?
Yes, but she's not explaining it like you are. She's just sort of like this: "The visit is over, they are spiritually sick people, pray for them, and why are you still thinking about it?"
Why? Because I want to learn TOOLS in how to continue to properly deal with them so they stop trying to f*ck with me once and for all.
They're gonna still test. I know they're not giving up yet.
I'm also concerned because she mentioned something about addiction and it was out of nowhere. I know she was fishing for information. I paused and didn't say anything. It makes me wonder just how safe I am online. I use my email address (that they use) for other websites. I know they're pissed that I keep my life private now from them, and they take it personally. I wouldn't put it past them to somehow find out stuff about me online. Sort of like a way of saying "F*ck you for not telling us what I want to know. I'll find out, just you wait and see." They never allowed me any type of privacy.
When I feel myself being tempted to take up the reins again, I do a slightly different version of the serenity prayer....
God. Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change. The courage to change the one person I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.
The other step 11 prayer that is helpful for me is one that apparently Mother Theresa has stuck to her wall in a Calcutta orphanage...
God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
You doing your step work is not going to in some way magically transform your sister and her behaviour. But, it can spiritually transform US, which is better than any smoke n mirrors magic.
I heard this story once and I think it was a Sandy Beach verbal illustration, but not 100% on that. (And I can't tell it as funny as he can, sorry lol).
There was a sitcom where there mother from hell went to stay with her adult son and daughter.
The first week she stayed with her son. She drove him to distraction bitching and complaining and criticising the whole time. By the end of the weekend he was pulling his hair out and a complete emotional wreck, asking himself why she does that to him, why she doesnt love him and the like.
The second episode she goes to stay with her daughter. She behaves exactly the same way. Bitching, complaining and criticising. Thing is, the daughter knows what she's like, and knows that its nothing to do with herself. She just says "ohhhhhh Mom!!" each time and laughs affectionately.
The difference is that the daughter is not letting her own expectations drive her insane, so she doesn't take it personally. The problem is IN her mother, not in her. What her mother says just washes over her.
I have issues with my father, andd really struggled with him (can still do if i dont work my program and practice that acceptance and seek humility every day). I went to an AA meeting once, upset, if not traumatised, by my most recent telephone conversation with Dad. One old timer said to me "Berry. Tell me. Has your dad ever been that way with you before?"
I told him in no uncertain terms that this is what he is like ALL the time, and always has been. "Well." He says, "Why did you expect him to be different THIS time?" Well, I could've knocked that old timers lights out. I didn't. Because he is someone who's advise has stood me in good stead before, so I let it sink in, and realised later, when I'd calmed down, that he was 100% right. It's not about my dad changing into a loving and demonstrative person that I'd like him to be. It's about me changing into someone who can accept him the way he is, and not take it personally when he's manipulative or whatever he's up to at any particular point.
I needed to learn what acceptance actually is and is not. Acceptance is just seing that this is the way something or someone is or was, and mentally acknowledging it. It is not a judgement of right or wrong. I can accept that one of the older boys I went to school with pinned me to the ground and raped me at a birthday party. As I accept this as a fact of something that happened in the past that is NOT me saying that it was right or okay. It is more that it happened, and acknowledging that I cannot change that fact. That acceptance then freed me up to work on my emotional reaction and fear around it that left me carrying a resentment for decades. In a way that was easier (with some inner child work) than the resentments around my dad, because my dad is alive so there is always that false hope that he might change.
If your sister never changes til the day she draws her last breath, which is quite likely, you have some options. One is to go no contact. Another is to restrict communication to the kind that you are comfortable with. Setting your own personal boundaries. Or you can decide to practice acceptance and forgiveness and free yourself of your own expectations. False hope is as much of a burden to carry as resentment, and one sows seeds for the next crop of the other. It wouldn't surprise me if you and your sister are both equally codependent, but its just coming out in different ways. Why? Well, that's the bit that the CoDa handbook might help understand. But certainly, when you look at the list of patterns and characteristics there are some more aggressive traits there that might describe your sister. Patterns & Characteristics of Co-Dependency And that is not so you can think how to change or control her, but perhaps it could help you to love and forgive her DESPITE her behaviour. For the record, I do not love or forgive my rapist, but I am wiling to hand it over to the only one who can know why he did it and what he may or may have felt about it afterwards. So that one is now with God (just where it actually would have been anyway)and I have stopped getting myself in nots over it. My past doesn't need to wreck my future.
I'll try to get wizzy later and send a pic of the pages in the OAUK journal. Gotta get ready to go to church now.
BB x
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Ah, see, there's your problem. You're trying to control them, not yourself. You have zero control over them. The way you maintain your dignity isn't by "training" them or getting even with them. It's by not sticking around with a target over your chest when the madness starts. It's by removing yourself from the zone of abuse.
People like this will walk all over you if you let them. So I want tools to learn to use so the message will be clear that they can't walk all over me.
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
Hanging up the phone works for me. Then not answering if they call back. No need to explain I don't want to be bullied. I've started going into a great mode of being a friend to myself and not letting anyone bully me.
It wasn't learned overnight, but there's no reason it can't be... What happens if they get so pissed they don't want to talk to you? Bliss... peace... a chance to enjoy some wonderful things in life....
It wasn't learned overnight, but there's no reason it can't be... What happens if they get so pissed they don't want to talk to you? Bliss... peace... a chance to enjoy some wonderful things in life....
I haven't gotten to the place yet of bliss, peace, or a chance to enjoy life because of the "guilt" and not being able to let go of the pain they cause. Any suggestions for how to get passed that?
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Well, you said that you were looking for tools "so they stop trying to f*ck with me once and for all." There aren't any. If that's what they want to do, they will continue to do that. The question is what do YOU do to protect yourself here.
You have the option of going "no contact" for a time just to give yourself a breather. You are not obligated to talk to them on the phone, in person, to read their emails, to interact with them on Facebook. Because as long as you are feeling like you HAVE to interact with them, this is what will continue to happen. Even boundaries are not a magic bullet. They work only to the extent that you enforce them by taking action to protect yourself when they are violated. That is up to you, and only you.
You have the option of going "no contact" for a time just to give yourself a breather. You are not obligated to talk to them on the phone, in person, to read their emails, to interact with them on Facebook. Because as long as you are feeling like you HAVE to interact with them, this is what will continue to happen. Even boundaries are not a magic bullet. They work only to the extent that you enforce them by taking action to protect yourself when they are violated. That is up to you, and only you.
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