Ladybird579

What tools do you all use to practice self-care, boundaries, and no people-pleasing in the moment with them?

I avoid them like the plague. Toxic people have no place in my life..that's my boundary

TropicalWinter

"Sudden-onset explosive diarrhea" will get you out of anything...

Sasha1972

[QUOTE=Pathwaytofree;6544750] ^^^This totally made my day! Glad I could help (in a respectful and bounded way, of course).

Jaeger

Pathway,
There is a double winner in my home Al-Anon group that says he owes his life to the rooms. AA helped him achieve physical sobriety but the Al-Anon program gave him his emotional sobriety. I can't tell you how much his shares have helped me! Good luck with your dinner. I hope you are able to enjoy it.

LeeJane

I took my focus off them and started being kind to myself, I think it was as simple as that.

I had been "trained" to tolerate all their insane rants, rages etc. They weren't aimed at or about me but just being in the room when it was going on was exhausting to me. I used to also feel sick in my stomach.

Jaeger

This made me laugh out loud!!

Refiner

Having to deal with my NPD-alcoholic sister for 50+ years was a nightmare. My mother just continually told me to "be the bigger person" to get through having to deal with her in a family relationship. It wasn't until I really educated myself about Narcissistic Personality Disorder did I learn the skills to cope then finally go No Contact for my self-care. The most helpful tool when I still had to interact with her while my Mom was still alive was to offer NOTHING of myself to her - even when flat out asked. My interactions with her became strictly "professional courtesy". For instance, she may have asked "So what's going on with your work these days", you should NEVER actually "go there" and provide any details, but respond with "it's going well, thank you for asking" to shut it down in a courteous manner. And NEVER ask them anything... one may feel it important to turn it around and say "work is fine, how's yours?" Don't. Go. There. After about a year of doing this, she wasn't getting to my jugular anymore. So there were no reactions that would feed the NPD monster and I was no longer her "supply". The sad thing is, she knew Mom and I were VERY close so took it out on her in order to "punish" me! That was a sickening time but then my Mom passed away from cancer and she no longer could even do that. Both my brother and I have gone 100% NC with her for a few years and she moved onto her next victims. Please know, Narcissists NEVER "get better". Alcoholism comes easy to them because they are already very selfish, self-centered people. It helped me to get schooled in NPD just as much as with alcoholism when dealing with her. I really hope you find those tools. Remember, seeing you "puddle" and become a doormat is just the reward they are after. Learn the tools to not open that door and offer your jugular on a plate to them - it will get much better!

anodes7102

Very true and well articulated

ladyscribbler

I also grew up in an alcoholic family, and that need to appease was rooted very deeply. Like you, it was my safeguard as a child. I had to take the emotional temperature of the adults around me and try to regulate it.

Being mindful about why I am doing certain things is helpful as I work to break this pattern. Is it something I want to do, or am I going along with it to try to prevent someone else from experiencing unpleasant emotions, or because I feared their anger? I also had to stop and examine those feelings of fear when they popped up, learn to sit with them and not act or spin my wheels, but to know that I am in a safe place, that the feeling of fear cannot hurt me.

A lot of those old behaviors are my automatic response to stressful situations, and I try to take time to meditate each day, to take my own emotional temperature to make sure I'm not relapsing into those old behaviors.

FallenAngelina

This is what Step 2 & 3 & 11 are all about.

I find that the more I focus on allowing the God of my understanding to restore me and keep me in serenity, the less I need to concern myself with putting out the emotional fires of others, the fewer fires I even run into. It's not up to me to "fix" situations, it's up to me to maintain my serenity and my conscious contact with my God. God does the fixing when I'm focused on maintaining my own peace in my own heart.

Pathwaytofree

*UPDATE*

Thanks everyone for your helpful tools and suggestions!!! :-)

Overall things went well in the moment, but it was incredibly draining to try to remember and apply the tools. But for the most part they worked.

What didn't go so well, was when someone said something that triggered an extremely painful memory. A couple of memories I had completely blocked out from early childhood were triggered. I remained calm in the moment, but since the get together, I cannot seem to stop replaying stuff in my head. I don't know if this is OCD or what?

Please give me specific tools, suggestions, mantras, tasks, etc. to bounce back from this. I feel my brain cannot shut off. I keep seeking validation from my husband that he heard what I heard, and saw what I saw. And when he gives me validation, I can't process it. I don't know what is wrong here.

And if I can help those who are going to be in similar situations, here's some stuff of what I did and worked:

1) Ignore any personal, strange, annoying question or comment. Respond with a calm, warm smile and something like, "Oh that's so funny of you to ask that" and just give a non-answer type answer.

2) Set boundaries repeatedly with a warm smile so you're not seen as the angry one, the crazy one, the abrupt one, etc. Basically this is your way of saying "you can't push my buttons if you tried. I will not take your bait so don't even bother trying."

3) Be kind, but not necessarily "nice". Meaning, do stuff out of kindness like holding a door with a warm smile, gently and methodically get out of your chair to get another spoon at the restaurant for an elderly family member, but don't break your back for these people.

4) Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty for not spending more time with them. You know no more of an explanation more than "Oh, I'm feeling tired. I think I better start on home before it gets too late. It was so nice seeing you again!" Kind hug and kiss and ignore all passive aggressive comments.

5) Have non-answers prepared ahead of time for those who ask personal questions. If they get angry that you don't answer them, that's on them. Do not let it take away your inner peace.

6) If someone is snide, snarky, tries to embarrass you on purpose, just keep smiling and act like their behavior doesn't phase you in the least.

Hope that helps someone. Thanks everyone for your help. I'm eager to hear what you all do to get them out of your heads after you spend time with them. I can't seem to stop replaying the cruel things they did or said.

Mummyto2

Family or no Family, I wouldn't go if people treated me like that, if they want my company they can treat me with respect or dont have me there, good luck

CelticZebra

I have various problems with the 'after affects' of spending time with toxic people.
Writing down my feelings, confused as they are, disbelief and all, helps to remove it from my brain somewhat.
Doing nice things for myself, like pampering or reading a good book or getting a nice walk; me-time activities to refresh myself and shake away the negativity.
Definitely doing and being nice to myself after difficult experiences helps me.
I found, in the past, when I was validated by my husband that these people were like that I ended up prolonging the experience by re-living it.
Time & distance do help with healing.
I've only just read this thread but I am so hopeful that I can deal with toxic family situations better with these great tools shared here.
Politeness is such a wonderful tool when used to disarm toxicity.

Eauchiche

https://www.facebook.com/sothatsbuzz...9354664285054/

This describes perfectly my FOO.

I agree with the previous advice about arming yourself. It might be helpful to devise a flowchart, like they use in the medical professions. For example:

Someone says something toxic to you---------( 1. Talk about the weather
2. Say, " I LOVE this Lobster. I will just die if I don't get this recipe!"

Last item on the flowchart: Kiss Mom and Dad. Tell them you've had a wonderful time. Get the hell out, even if you've been there 5 minutes.

dandylion

Pathwaytofree....here are a couple of things that I have used to "decompress" after toxic visits, like you describe.....
1. Write on paper about it....writing rapidly. exactly what comes out of my brain...WITHOUT EDITING IT. Don't stop and think about how it sounds...just write anything that comes out...***This is not for anyone else to read!...because you are going to shread it....you don't even have to read it yourself ....the whole point is just to get it out of your head and onto paper...and then, destroy it....
2. Ventilate about it to someone else who truly understands what you are talking about....a trusted non__judgmental friend or therapist.....some other breathing human....
3. Remember to keep your bar of expectations of toxic people very low....and remember to not beat yourself up....this is very important, I think....you probably did the best you could, under bad circumstances....

I don't know if you have a counselor or therapist, already, but, it might be a good thing to see someone regarding your feelings, if you can't shake them.....if you think that you have a lot of conflicted feelings stuffed inside....that you haven't worked through or come to a place of peace/acceptance....it is good to go ahead and get some help to do so....

One time, several years ago, I went to spend several days with my mother (my husband went along)....A family reunion was planned for her sister as a major birthday celebration....My mother fell apart and become so confrontational (and cruel)....and got the whole family stirred up....and blamed the whole thing on me and my husband....it was surreal....and we had to leave the trip early....
It was very traumatic for me....I cried the whole trip back, on the airplane....
Now, usually, I can re-qroup pretty well from stuff...but, this time was just over the top....
After about three days...I cold-called a psychologist out of the phone book and said "I need to see you at your first opening"....I saw her once a week for about 6wks,, to talk about it....I even insisted that my husband go along, because I didn't think that anyone would believe me, without a "witness"....lol...it was that bad!

So, I think I understand what you are talking about.....
I think you actually handled it pretty well, considering the circumstance...give yourself some positive credit for that much.....

Mango blast

It sounds like the Universe and Higher Power brought you into the lion's den for a very specific something that needs dealing with.

Pray.
Have gratitude for being shown this, and for being carried through this. Everything you are brought to, you will be carried through into deeper healing. Once a light is shown onto our deepest pain, sorrows and fears, they can be fully healed.

Pray. Help! Thank you. ...those are two prayers I've said again and again and again....

Pray. Ask for eyes to see, ears to hear.

You will make it through this. One day at a time, one moment at a time.

Pathwaytofree

They are completely and utterly clueless and incapable of seeing how they treat me.

My parents are getting old, so it's sort of different now... But with my sibling, I have a choice of whether I want to continue to have a relationship with her or not. She's going to have to change how she speaks with me and treats me or else I am outta here.

I'm curious, how do you all point out to someone that you will not tolerate being spoken to in the way they are speaking to you, if they make excuses, deny it, project it onto you, etc.?

SparkleKitty

I don't anymore. I show them I won't tolerate it by not tolerating it. I don't engage, I walk away, hang up, whatever I have to do.

Convincing others they are abusing me is less important to me than accepting that they are and making my own choices accordingly.

I can't make other people change. I can only change myself.

Pathwaytofree

LOL the lion's den!!! T uses that phrase, too!! He also warns me that just because the lion may look like he's sleeping, don't get into the cage with him.

I think my HP is saying, "You've worked hard and done REALLY GOOD with your own growth. Now it's time to challenge you, my dear."

Oh wow. THANK YOU! I hadn't even thought of that. I am extremely caught up in a tremendously awful emotional hangover and I can't seem to stop thinking about stuff. How do I "heal" if I am OCD'g on memories of either what just occurred or what memories from the past?

So simple to do. I did stay connected with my HP before and during my time with them, but afterward is when I crashed.

Beautiful!!! I was able to remind myself that anytime one of them was disrespectful, rude, cruel, etc. that "that is an untruth because it is not coming from God."

For some reason, it is extremely difficult for me to remember all this good advice. I need to write out a cheat-sheet or something. Any tips for remembering this way of living and being able to apply it and practice it?

Thank you so much! My husband said I was much better during this get together than I have been in previous ones. I didn't let them push my buttons as much this time, and I let a lot of stuff go. I also stuck up for myself in a calm way but in a way that said, "I know what game you're playing and I'm not falling for it."

ladyscribbler

If I can't have a healthy relationship with someone as they are right this moment, I work on letting go of that person and moving on to other people who are healthy. It's not my job to change someone so that I can have a functional relationship with them.

I understand that family ties can make this very difficult. I let go of trying to have a relationship with my alcoholic father when I was in my twenties. It was difficult and sad, and I hated him for a long time, and blamed him for a lot of what was wrong in my life. Now I see that he is an alcoholic from an alcoholic family who did his best, given what he had to work with. I forgave him and let go of that anger. But that still doesn't mean I subject myself to his lying, gaslighting and emotional abuse.