Another night alone...
 

Hello!

I am super new to this. I have nobody to talk to so I felt that this was the best place. After all, strangers speak the truth!

My boyfriend ( we will call him bmac) and I live together and we have a great relationship...when he's sober.

He doesn't drink everyday, which is not me making an excuse..or maybe it is. Maybe it's what makes me believe that this isn't a big problem. But I find myself alone, a lot because he's out drinking.

It Always starts off the same way.. he will go out to play golf, or go "help" a friend and then he disappears until early morning when he stumbles in and slurs his words while he tries to happily tell me about his night. No regard that I worried sick about him all night because of course, he doesn't let me know where he is.

This happens about once a week, sometimes I'm lucky and I get to have him sober for a whole week ! In my opinion, I think he's a binge drinker. He cannot stop for the life of him and once he takes that one sip and it's always Downhill from there.

Nothing has detoured him from it. He's been caught drinking and driving, that didn't stop him. I threatened to leave, that didn't stop him. I've tried to get him to talk to someone , he says he will but then he doesn't.

It's really hard because although at first he was at least a functioning alcoholic, he isn't anymore. He ditches plans with me and friends, he has missed work from being too drunk or too hungover , he's not reliable anymore.. I don't even know if he ever was.

I don't know what else I can do.. I'm becoming depressed and my anxiety is always through the roof because I never know where he is or what will happen. Tonight, I stay awake, alone, because he's out again...

Thanks for listening !

Kk

Hi KK

I am sorry for what brings you here

From what I read of your story you are dealing with a difficult situation. Its very difficult when they don't recognize they have a problem.

You came to a great forum. There are lots of good supportive people here. There is endless valuable information to read. Read as much as you can. It has helped me greatly. Don't be afraid to post & ask questions. You will get very direct responses. Direct responses are helpful in times of confusion.

I have my own story which is posted. The loneliness is difficult to deal with. Loneliness when you are with them or in my case loneliness after you decide to leave the relationship. I've felt both of those.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you ! I have read a lot of other stories and although I am not happy that anyone else is going through this, it's nice to know I am not alone!

Hi Kk. Welcome to Soberrecovery. And sorry for what brings you here.

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is super tough.

Melody Beattie book Codependent No More is pretty much a bible around here. You might look for it at your local library.

Let us know how you get on. Big hug to you.

Hi kk04 glad you found us but sorry for the reason that has brought you here.

I would suggest that you do some research on alcoholism and addict behavior. Education on the disease of alcoholism can help you better understand the mountain in which you are attempting to control and move.

We can beg, plead and threaten alcoholics to seek help, which they won’t until they have suffered enough pain from their disease. They will lose jobs, relationships, family, friends, the privilege to drive and much more. Sometimes none of those things causes them enough pain that they want to stop.

Living life under a constant and growing vail of anxiety and depression is no way for anyone to have to live. You do have choices you do not have to continue living that way. He also has choices and he’s showing you his choices, you don’t like his choice but that then puts the ball in your court with your own choice.

Thank you! I will go look for it today actually! I appreciate it:)

alcoholics suck at relationships, I know- because I am and I did.
Al-anon might be very good for you to look into.

Very true. He still isn't home. I have made the choice today to move my things into the spare bedroom until I can figure out my next game plan for myself. I've spent too much time invested in trying to make things better for him that I have let myself fall apart.

Are you bound by any legal obligations like a lease to have to remain there?

No I am not. But I don't really have the funds to just get another apartment tomorrow unfortunately...I work full time so I'll be able to afford a place for myself eventually. But in the mean time, I'll have to save some money first to be able to move out.

I also don't wanna leave him high and dry either, although he would do it to me. I feel like he couldn't afford the bills here alone.

KK,
Welcome and glad you found us. First off, good for you for doing something for you, by moving out of the bedroom. Codies come on this forum looking for that piece of paper on "how to get our addict clean and live happily ever after".... but the problem is, is that paper doesn't exist. We are only in control of ourselves and fix the way we do things.

First off, You have to understand that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. So it really isn't his problem to fix, it is yours. So what are you going to do about your problem?? Education is power when you are dealing with an addict. There is alanon and open aa meetings, there is addiction therapists and there are stickies on the top of this page. If you spend the time and work on yourself, you will find the strength to do what you need to do. It is very overwhelming trying to understand the mind of an addict. As Pj (PhoenixJ) said addicts make terrible partners.

Hang in there, keep posting and asking questions. We have all been there. Hugs!!

excellent!

excellent!

Sorry double post. Can't erase.

I would be working on plan B as this is going to go one of three possible ways…………

1. He’s going to see how much his drinking has caused issues at home and he will swear up and down that he’s going to stop, cut back, control it better and that he won’t go out as much.

2. He’s going to be numb, neutral act as if he doesn’t care you moved out of the bedroom and might even say it’s the best and as soon as you can find another place to move, he’ll help you.

3. He’s going to be angry, might not even want you staying there anymore. Might kick you out and things could become volatile very fast.

The last place you want to be is in situation 2 or 3 so prepare for the worse and hope for the best.

I tried to reply to this and it didn't submit lol.

I love that..."he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do" . I have never thought about it like that. It is very very true!

Thank you all for your replies. I am grateful for this community and forum. It has truly made me feel like I am not alone and I will keep posting and reading !

Xoxo

Well he came home at noon. I had everything moved upstairs except for my bed as it's heavy. He refuses to help me move it upstairs lol.

Thank you! :)

I've found air mattresses to be quite comfortable...