I'm pretty sure this is what's in his mind. One of his characteristics is to take any little thing that doesn't go his way and make it into THE BIGGEST THING EVER. He sets people (me) up so that we don't meet his expectations, and then has a fit. His argument is that I'm not sensitive enough to Kid's emotional need to connect with her father, so being able to say I'm denying him access to Kid would fit in.

On a broader point - I do need to get more backbone and just say "no, I have a life". I'll be able to do that more easily once I have that paper that says "sole custody to the mother".

If he's trying to manipulate you now, just imagine what he'll do to your child later. Do you want your kid to be walking on eggshells when she wants to meet with her friends? Looking over her shoulder and praying that when she does get together with her friends Dear Old Dad won't come calling and expect her to drop everything RIGHT THIS MINUTE to see him now. What happens if she wants to sign up for an after-school/weekend program but Dad won't let her because it will carve away time from him?

My sister used to pull variations on this crap all the time. She just couldn't be held down to a schedule because she didn't want to adhere to such anal-retentive concepts. I will say that she's gotten much better now that she has to financially support herself. She mooched off her ex-husband for years before he grew a spine and stopped the money flow which had gone way beyond the divorce decree.

Yeah, I think you're just feeding into/rewarding his tactics by trying to placate him or avoid triggering his "anger." Trying to avoid doing anything that will bring about accusations from him will get you nowhere. Nothing you do will ever be enough.

As long as you aren't in imminent physical danger, I'd suggest you let him pitch his little hissy-fits. If you need a reality check as to whether your position is reasonable, post here--don't judge it based on his reaction to it.

^^^ All true - and all reasons why I have no ambivalence about going for sole custody. I only hope the arbitrator and/or the courts will see it the same way. I wish we were in binding arbitration right away. I need to do a better job of modelling for Kid that it's okay not to jump every time Dad wants something, so if the time comes when she wants to say "no", she feels more empowered to do so.

(Interesting exchange between Kid and Dad at handover last night - we're at Dad's door, waiting, Dad doesn't answer the doorbell, Kid texts Dad "we're here". Dad texts back "say goodbye to Mom and come on up" [he lives on the second floor]. Kid responds "no you need to come down" [which is the usual way we do it]. Dad came down. I'm wondering if Kid was making sure that Mom checked Dad out before she went up there. I could also be reading too much into this).

I really appreciate everyone's insights, by the way - I've gotten new perspectives and angles on situations which I might never have seen on my own.

the CHILD should not be instructing the PARENT on acceptable behavior. he was at home. he heard the doorbell. he just didn't want to get off his arse to let the child in. does that sound like a parent excited to see their kid? wasn't this HIS idea? do you see now how you are playing into his hands? he's yanking both your chains.....he's manipulating both of you. cuz he CAN.

You may be right. I have years (decades!) of conditioning to be accommodating, flexible, don't upset him or make him mad, because that would be the worst thing imaginable. I've done all the accommodating since the drunk-driving incident, bringing Kid over and picking her up. He hasn't done anything except write crazy emails. No sign that he's even considering moderating his drinking or trying to find ways to spend more time with Kid (beyond hectoring me about Kid's "emotional needs", which is Projection City). (Kid is there right now, which is why I'm hanging out on the Internet while I wait).

I see my lawyer on Thursday and will let him know that I'm going to be less easygoing about Kid's visits, and WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET THIS THING IN FRONT OF A JUDGE? The amount of time I've spent in Starbucks is getting ridiculous.

I appreciate the reality check.

Wait, you let her go over there last night, and she's over there again tonight?

Yes I did. We had already agreed that Tuesday would be a visit day. Then I got a text on Monday asking me to bring Kid over after her sports activity "because she needs more dad time". I said okay because I couldn't think of a reason to say no, and I was trying to avoid being positioned as "withholding" Kid or "denying access", i.e. not being a co-operative parent. I now think I made a mistake yesterday. I did not need a reason to say no - just being tired of driving around and waiting is enough of a reason.

I had not thought of this request as a form of control aimed at me, although that interpretation makes sense to me now. I thought this really was about wanting to see Kid. Ex has externalized a lot of shame and self-hate into irrational anger against his mother, me, and especially his second ex-wife because none of us made him happy (at least that's how I interpret what's going on, but who really knows?). His rages are pretty extreme. He has no other way to get at me any more except through Kid.

So I may be the target of some of his behaviors around Kid. This is consistent with the Lundy Bancroft article that LexieCat recommended, which describes very familiar dynamics except that I didn't have physical violence to content with. In that case, I need to make myself less of a target, rather than sucking it up because "Kid wants to see her dad". She probably does want to see her dad. But she can't have any kind of normal parental relationship with him if she's being used as a means to make me do things.

This would also explain why ex has done none of the things that would allow him to have more time with Kid (like some form of genuine contrition and commitment to a recovery program), instead opting for a setup which maximizes the potential for conflict with me and therefore the potential to act out controlling behaviors towards me.

This seems kind of obvious when I write it out, but I had never thought of it this way before.

I can't, and don't really want to, psychoanalyze ex. But I should bear in mind that getting at me may be a priority for him, and crazy alcoholic behavior is a surefire way of getting my attention, at least for now. I don't mean to say that he's consciously doing this. So I need to find ways of living in which I pay as little attention to him as possible. That will be best for Kid too, if her main value to her father is as a tool to use against me. In the long run, that's got to be really bad for her self-esteem.

Sorry this is so long!

Here's one other consideration, too, given that you are concerned about your daughter's well-being. Most kids do best with structure and certainty in their lives. Separation and divorce disrupts that, to it's important to try to maintain as much of it as possible in their routine. Not that there can NEVER be spontaneity, but right now, at the time of greatest upheaval and factoring in the manipulation going on behind the scenes, the more regular and routine the visitation time, the better.

In SOME families, where the parents can cooperate and the kids are older, flexible time can work very well. But when there is conflict/tension and/or with younger kids, sticking to a routine schedule is the most secure way to go, I think. Neither you nor she will have to be in a constant state of "what's happening today/tomorrow/this week/next week."

One other thought. Maybe you have your lawyer send him a letter (better coming from lawyer than from you, I think--lawyer will be immune to his BS), stating that although you will continue to keep him informed of any important information concerning the child, the irregular visitation is going to stop. Have the lawyer propose a couple of alternative schedules that you can live with and let him pick one. If he offers a REASONABLE alternative that you can live with, go with that, but lawyer should advise that that schedule will remain in place until the court orders otherwise, and barring an actual emergency, you will not entertain requests to change the schedule on an ad-hoc basis.

This way, you will have a record of your request and your reasonableness in soliciting his input as to schedule. It will play well with the court, especially in contrast to his over-the-top behavior.

Talk to your lawyer about it.

Our situations are very similar. I am three years in, and my XAH does try to manipulate me through our children. It's heartbreaking. He's a piece of work.

Luckily, he does not exercise all of his visitation, however, my child still has to go over there every other weekend, and SHE HATES IT. I make him come to the door to check him out myself b/c I have to know that he has not been drinking or acting a fool before I let my child step foot in his house.

I can only say that it sounds like he is demanding of you, and I can just bet he LOVES yanking your chain and knowing you have to sit for two hours because he is unsafe.

That being said, I have made drastic changes to my life in the name of keeping my children safe, and will continue to do so because they are my #1 priority.

Stay your course friend. You are a great mom!

Thanks everyone. This discussion has made me realize two things:

1. I'm still doing what we're not supposed to do and insulating the alcoholic from the consequences of his/her actions. Ex has spent 1.5 years getting really drunk and into trouble (legal, psychiatric, medical, interpersonal, financial, you name it). He has not done what he needs to do in order to be a safe person for Kid to spend time with (buying her tons of clothes and trinkets she doesn't need doesn't count). The consequence is that his access to her is limited. By being overly accommodating about visits at my own cost, I am absorbing the consequences of his actions and limiting his exposure to consequences.

2. I am also still letting myself be emotionally manipulated by ex in two ways: first, by his overt appeals to my fears of not being a good mother ("Kid needs her dad", "you're making Kid suffer by being so rigid about her time with me", etc. Dude, it wasn't me who's pulled all this crap in the last year. This one's on you). Second, by his not-so-overt appeals to my long conditioning in not making him upset or angry because ... something really bad might happen if he got upset or angry. Ex is still controlling my actions, when the only thing that should be guiding them is my own assessment of Kid's best interests. I'm not stupid, vindictive or crazy, so my assessment is likely to be pretty solid.

I'm seeing my lawyer tomorrow and will take Lexie's suggestion and get my lawyer to send a letter to his lawyer about scheduling. I have a feeling this is the kind of issue that gets decided after custody is dealt with and so this might not be the right moment for setting schedules - but I will follow my lawyer's lead on this, and in any case, I'll stop with the last-minute sure-no-problem-I'll-bring-Kid-over agreements.

Thanks again. This has been really, really helpful.

You're so far ahead of where I was at a similar point with AXH. He's an abusive a-hat who had conditioned me to act as if it was easier to just go with whatever he wanted, so I understand the pressures you're working with - both his and your internalized conditioning. And AXH pulled the same stuff on visits with DS right after I left him and it took me a long, LONG time to realize it. The thing is, the "it'd work best if" scenarios really only worked best for him. Not for me, and not for DS. It took a lot of work to not automatically acquiesce.

It also took a lot of work for me to not automatically reset to telling him why; that I didn't have to explain why a revision wouldn't work. I didn't need to tell him that DS and I were going to be camping, or that DS and I had planned to go see a movie. I didn't need to tell AXH anything other than, "No, that change won't work. DS is available on the originally planned visit day."

I just want to point out that "setting a schedule" does not equate to "not allowing him access" to your daughter. Abiding by the schedule - even if it's not one set up by the court - is not keeping his daughter from him. Him failing to abide by any schedule is all on him, Sasha. And it won't even come down to he-said-she-said if you keep a detailed record of the times he bailed on plans.

Well, it seems to me the only alternative to a schedule is this ad-hoc, he-asks, you-get-put-on-the-spot thing you're doing now. If it's unacceptable to him, let HIM take the initiative of going into court and claiming your very reasonable proposal is unreasonable.

IF he can convince his lawyer to do that (which is hurdle number one--my bet is his lawyer will advise against it), then let the court call it. You're certainly none the worse off and the onus will be on him to prove you're being unreasonable. I don't think anyone would see it that way.

Sounds like you have your head on straight! Good for you!

COD

I've been reading up on his current lawyer in jurisprudential databases and it sounds like he'll do just about anything his clients will pay for, even things which are manifestly bad ideas - like representing a man who claimed he was being denied access to his kids because the mom didn't take them to visit him while he was in remand awaiting trial for assaulting the mom (for the nth time). I don't hold out a lot of hope that he'll rein ex in, until ex runs out of money and credit.

Well, if he wants to pay for a lawyer who won't actually help his case, it's not really a bad thing for you; though, I guess is does mean your lawyer has to wade through a bit of BS, but if your lawyer is aware of it, they'd know what to look for. And the courts can usually recognize it for what it's worth when it's presented. At least in my case, AXH's stunts kind of exasperated the judge.

OK, so the two of them can look stupid together. I can't imagine that this would require more than a fairly simple hearing to resolve, and it seems to me like you'd be on very good ground. In my experience, though, lots of people decide they don't want to spend the money to actually go to court, and if he does, it's that much less he will have available to spend down the line. Personally, I think it's a pretty good bet, but see what your lawyer thinks. It's what you're paying the lawyer to do.

Im sorry your going through this Sasha. I think your doing a good job with handling things. I think just keep putting the best interest of your daughter first and dont get into psychological games with him. Who knows what his intentions really are. Does your daughter enjoy the visits, do they interact and he is engaged? If it was all based on getting at you then I think you would see a disinterest on his part when they are together? because it would basically be a sham to get at you?

I havent faced this yet and hope I dont have to, but Ive thought about what it would be like with my own husband. I cant imagine anyway the experience would not inconvenience me.. there would just be a lot of back and forth especially with an older child who can voice their wishes. Hopefully you will have it all sorted out in the courts soon.

Just had a thought which seems obvious now but had not occurred to me before today, to file under More Reasons Why Sole Custody is the Right Road. Writing it down here so I'll be sure to remember it.

Ex has gone through piles and piles of addiction services in the last 1.5 years. Thanks to our very generous benefits package, he has literally had the best help money can buy - inpatient, outpatient, Twelve-Step, psychotherapy, group therapy, medication, it goes on and on. He's been off work for the last year so he has had abundant time to work on recovery.

But even after all of this, he still got drunk when he was responsible for Kid and tried to drive away with her. And he is still claiming he doesn't need to stop drinking and everything is my fault and he's hooked up with a meth user from rehab.

This suggest he is a hardcore addict. If he hasn't achieved sobriety after all these interventions, the likelihood that he will now miraculously clean up his act around Kid is very small. The case for sole custody is actually stronger than it would be if he'd been driving drunk and hadn't accessed any of these services and helps.

Like I said, it seems obvious but it only now occurred to me.