CantTrustHim

I've been reading this board for a few months and this is my first post. It's been such a relief to know that others are going through the same thing and I'm not going crazy!

I'd like to get your advice on the current state of things in my situation.

Summary: AH has had a drinking problem for our entire marriage, 8 years. It has, of course, progressed over time and it's gotten really bad the past 6 months. He has been getting drunk every weekend since February. This has been taking a toll on me and our two young kids (ages 6 and 4).

He admits he has a problem and can't control it anymore. He made an attempt to get help in April when I gave him the phone number of an addiction treatment place and he had a few sessions with a counselor. I'm pretty sure the counselor was recommending he sign up for the their 12 Step treatment program and possibly inpatient treatment but he refused and stopped meeting with her. (He's been against doing any group meetings.)

Last month I told him I can't take this anymore and he either gets help or we get a divorce. He said he would get help, but dragged his feet for 3 weeks playing phone tag trying to sign up for the treatment program... He's finally signed up to start this week -- today in fact. Four days a week of 2-hour group meetings, plus a 1-hour individual meeting with a counselor.

This is great, except already these meetings are conflicting with his plans. He's supposed to attend Wednesday, Thurs, Fri, and Saturday this week, but we had scheduled a weekend trip Friday through the weekend. He wants to miss the Friday and Saturday meetings for this trip. As a compromise I suggested we leave for the trip on Saturday so he could at least attend 3 meetings this week, but he is adamant not to change his original plans. The next two weeks also have weekend plans set and he doesn't want to change them.

I'm so mad at this for many reasons. 1. I feel like recovery isn't his top priority. 2. He's being selfish and doesn't understand how important this treatment is. 3. Our marriage is hanging by a thread and he can't compromise and do this for me. 4. Last weekend was absolutely horrible and he was drunk and/or sleeping the entire time. I can't imagine he'll be able to control himself this weekend, so in my mind the more meetings he can attend this week might help him during the weekend.

Is this a sign that he's not committed to recovery yet? I have no trust in him at this point, especially with his behavior last weekend. Am I trying to control his recovery too much? Do I just need to let this go and let him miss all the meetings he wants and see what happens?

Thanks so much for any words of wisdom. I know you all say the recovery process is a long journey itself and he's only at the beginning. I just feel like I'm at the end of the line here and if he has one more slip up I need to leave him. I've given him enough chances and I can't take the lying anymore.

dandylion

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html

Can'tTrustHim....the above article might be useful for you to read, right now.....

suki44883

All the meetings in the world won't help him if he isn't determined to quit drinking for good. He is already making excuses to miss meetings that only just started. It doesn't sound to me like he's ready at all.

Newlife17

I am so sorry for what you and your children are going through. In reading your story it doesn't seem like he is ready. His behavior sounds a lot like my AH about a year ago-- a couple of months after he left inpatient rehab. He relapsed and hasn't looked back since.

I hate to sound like a negative nelly and it might have something to do with the fact that I just caught my AH in another lie tonight-- but I want to share something my therapist told me last week-- some people may never be ready. It has nothing to do with us, even if we learn to live our own lives, let go of control (something I have struggled with), even if we plead, let them know that we will leave if they don't get serious about recovery. If they're not ready, nothing will change. The only thing we can do is work on changing ourselves and if needed, let them alone to work it out for themselves. It might take you a while -- or maybe not-- you sound like a pretty strong person who knows what's up!
I'm fairly new to this forum too and have been finding it so helpful.

HardLessons

Dandylion

Thank you that link was a great read

All very true

atalose

I'm so mad at this for many reasons. 1. I feel like recovery isn't his top priority.

That's because it's not.

2. He's being selfish and doesn't understand how important this treatment is.

Alcoholics are selfish. This is more important to you than it is to him, obviously.

3. Our marriage is hanging by a thread and he can't compromise and do this for me.

No he can’t and he can’t do it for the kids or his job or his parents or anyone or anything, he has to WANT to not drink. And he doesn’t have that desire.

4. Last weekend was absolutely horrible and he was drunk and/or sleeping the entire time. I can't imagine he'll be able to control himself this weekend, so in my mind the more meetings he can attend this week might help him during the weekend.

If he’s been drunk every weekend since February, the weekends are his “drinking time” something he must look forward to. And attending AA meetings or group meetings get in the way of his weekend plans. You cannot control his drinking, pushing him to attend more meetings on weekends will only back fire on you and push him further away.

Is this a sign that he's not committed to recovery yet?

He doesn’t WANT to stop drinking and he’s not ever going to commit to something he’s not ready or wanting to do.

I think if you are serious about being at the end of your rope and will leave next time he drinks then put those plans in place sooner rather then later. Do you have the funds to leave? Do you have a place to go with your children? Do you have the funds to pay an attorney? Can you support yourself ? See, all of those things need to be in place prior to making the ultimatum that he either stop drinking and seek help or you will leave. Because without the ability to actually back up your words with action you are no different then him saying yeah yeah I'll go seek help then come up with a million excuses on why that's not working out for him.

Maybe look into al-anon meeting for you in your area, seek support for you even if he doesn't for himself.

Sasha1972

If he's already planning to miss half the meetings in his first week, I imagine the people running the treatment groups will not be very impressed by him. Missing one or two meetings because of absolutely unavoidable circumstances, after you've established a good track record through your attendance, might be understandable, but missing something like six out of the first twelve meetings because of "weekend plans"? Three weeks in a row?

It sounds like he was similarly half-assed about treatment in April, and then it took him three weeks to sign up for this outpatient program. That suggests to me that he thinks treatment is something he should do, but it's not something he wants to do. So I expect he's going to continue to keep drinking, maybe with the occasional gesture in the direction of treatment to keep you off his back. Or maybe there are moments when he is genuinely concerned about his condition and makes a momentary effort, but these moments don't last. It sounds like he is still more attracted by drinking than by the prospect of sobriety, and there's nothing you can do to change that or to make him go to meetings. (You can, however, decide that you're not going to participate in any weekend plans which are taking the place of his meetings - you can't control what he does but you can control what you do, and there's no reason why you should have to spend the weekend with a drunk husband you resent).

This is really tough and it's hard to know what the "right" thing to do is. In some ways, in similar situations it helped me to remember that I have so little power over the other person that what I do really makes no difference to the outcome - I don't have a heavy responsibility to "get it right".

CantTrustHim

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

When he came home from his first meeting last night he approached me and said "if you still want to leave Saturday for the trip, we can do that. I'll go to the Friday meeting." All without argument. It gave me some relief to hear that. We still need to discuss the next couple of weekends, but this was a step in the right direction. I have a feeling his initial reluctance was because he was so nervous about going to these group meetings, so I hope last night's meeting wasn't as bad as he thought.

My plan now is to wait and see what happens, because even with a step in the right direction his track record is not good. I've been researching divorce in the meantime to prepare. I have a good job, so I'm not concerned about funds for the divorce or supporting myself and the kids afterwards. If it comes down to this, I would like to stay in the house with the kids (for stability's sake for the kids) so it would mean kicking him out. How custody works is a big unknown for me... He often drinks while he's watching the kids, so there's no way I trust him alone with them. (I have stopped leaving him alone with the kids now.) I would hope for supervised visits. A lot to think about...

atalose

Sounds like you have a clear and defined well put together plan B in place and that’s great.

One of the saying we hear around here at SR is………..it’s always good to have hope but hope is not a plan.

Another saying you’ll see often is…………it’s not in their words only their actions.

I’d still recommend you check out al-anon for you, it’s been quite helpful for many of us here.

aliciagr

There really isnt a way to tell whats going to happen, or if he is ready. I mean look what happened, he went to one session and has already changed his mind about leaving on Friday. I wouldnt read too much into anything at this point.

My husband started with an outpatient program but he was working and it required him to go in the evenings and on the weekend. He didnt like it and he quit. He decided he wanted to go to an inpatient and picked one out of state, but he never got to that one because long story short, he went on a bender and ended up in a local inpatient that was based on AA. He didnt like it at all. Doesnt want to be in that program and so he left that one. But the key is that he still knew he had a problem and he kept looking for what would help him. Stuff doesnt always happen in a straight line is my point. He began therapy with a dr who specialized, and there have been ups and downs but its been progressively better since that point.

We can look for signs but still be fooled, because things change, outlooks change. Glad you posted, hope all goes well, and you can have a good time on your trip this weekend.

madgirl

For me, when I chose sobriety, I was hell bent on doing whatever it took to get through each day without a drink. My spouse still drinks and that presented some challenge but I would just come here in the evenings, eat sweets, try to sleep, walk my dog - whatever I had to do to get through the day sober.

Im still green at 15 months sober but still determined.

I think commitment to recovery looks a little bit like that? Not appeasing, minimizing, blame shifting etc but quiet, grim determination (esp very early days)

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic (25 years) I know the alcoholic has to really want it for himself, have a strong personal desire to stop drinking. You can't do it for someone else or because of something that might happen, it's strictly an internal job.

batchel9

Love this!!!