No news is...no news.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TW,
That's ok that you can't move home, you couldn't trust them anyway. They would be communicating with AH, not trust worthy...Your parents have no idea the crxp he has done to you for years and years. It is horrible. (Same with my mom, as I did not share the horrific account of my marriage with her, she loved AXH) OH well.
On to plan B.
Why doesn't Ah give you the "safe" car to drive. That is what a healthy normal husband would do.
I would work on moving out. (number 1 priority) Get all your ducks in a row. Spend time apart and figure out what you really want, and it doesn't sound like him. Once you find out your finances look into doing the car on your own. This empowers you to do what you want. This is the year 2017, not back in the 1960 like Dandy said. We do not need permission from anyone especially a "sober" addict, who doesn't seem to be working a program.
Hang in there friend. You got this with out any help from anyone!! Girl Power!! HUGS!!!
That's ok that you can't move home, you couldn't trust them anyway. They would be communicating with AH, not trust worthy...Your parents have no idea the crxp he has done to you for years and years. It is horrible. (Same with my mom, as I did not share the horrific account of my marriage with her, she loved AXH) OH well.
On to plan B.
Why doesn't Ah give you the "safe" car to drive. That is what a healthy normal husband would do.
I would work on moving out. (number 1 priority) Get all your ducks in a row. Spend time apart and figure out what you really want, and it doesn't sound like him. Once you find out your finances look into doing the car on your own. This empowers you to do what you want. This is the year 2017, not back in the 1960 like Dandy said. We do not need permission from anyone especially a "sober" addict, who doesn't seem to be working a program.
Hang in there friend. You got this with out any help from anyone!! Girl Power!! HUGS!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Cringing reading your account of him. I just know this is exactly what I'd have been like without a solid way of working on my recovery. Selfish and scared and angry and manipulative.
One of the common traits of alcoholics is this 'centre stage' mentality. I had it and have heard enough people talking about it to know that is a big problem. We just can't understand that the other actors (our supporting cast if you like, and the stage hands haha) don't seem to understand what they're supposed to be doing, and we get real scared and pissy when they forget that WE are the main act. It sounds to me like your husband hasn't really worked on that yet.
I remember watching a film about after the war when the husbands came home. They kind of expected things to carry on where things left off. But of course, in their absence their wives had learnt to be more independent. They'd made new vital friendships which weren't just going to fizzle out. They'd got hobbies. They'd got social lives. I think the same happens when alcoholics are emotionally absent for a while and then get sober. We can easily start feeling like the partner is carrying on their new healthy life to spite us, because we're not being given centre stage and top priority. We only start growing up when we work on our recovery. And recovery is additional to sobriety. Just because someone is sober, it doesn't mean they are emotionally and spirituality recovering.
I also think it's worth you reading that Love Languages book so you can point out to him what YOUR love language is. I've read it and the idea of reading it isn't that he should be obsessing about getting you jabbering away in HIS Love Language. He got the book and read it first. The author tells that person to figure out their partners Love Language and try using it as a first step. Your husband sounds like he thinks he's done his part by being sober. But he hasn't. That's just him doing what he should have been doing anyways .
You know, he does not need to be attending AA for you to go to AlAnon. As your parents have been sidelined then it might be a good idea to get a different support network going locally.
Can you get insured for your husband's vehicle so you can use it as well?
Anyway. Hope things improve for you.
One of the common traits of alcoholics is this 'centre stage' mentality. I had it and have heard enough people talking about it to know that is a big problem. We just can't understand that the other actors (our supporting cast if you like, and the stage hands haha) don't seem to understand what they're supposed to be doing, and we get real scared and pissy when they forget that WE are the main act. It sounds to me like your husband hasn't really worked on that yet.
I remember watching a film about after the war when the husbands came home. They kind of expected things to carry on where things left off. But of course, in their absence their wives had learnt to be more independent. They'd made new vital friendships which weren't just going to fizzle out. They'd got hobbies. They'd got social lives. I think the same happens when alcoholics are emotionally absent for a while and then get sober. We can easily start feeling like the partner is carrying on their new healthy life to spite us, because we're not being given centre stage and top priority. We only start growing up when we work on our recovery. And recovery is additional to sobriety. Just because someone is sober, it doesn't mean they are emotionally and spirituality recovering.
I also think it's worth you reading that Love Languages book so you can point out to him what YOUR love language is. I've read it and the idea of reading it isn't that he should be obsessing about getting you jabbering away in HIS Love Language. He got the book and read it first. The author tells that person to figure out their partners Love Language and try using it as a first step. Your husband sounds like he thinks he's done his part by being sober. But he hasn't. That's just him doing what he should have been doing anyways .
You know, he does not need to be attending AA for you to go to AlAnon. As your parents have been sidelined then it might be a good idea to get a different support network going locally.
Can you get insured for your husband's vehicle so you can use it as well?
Anyway. Hope things improve for you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
So you drive the kids around, but he has the safe reliable SUV that would be suitable for transporting them? Have you put him on the spot and, instead of investigating loans, asked him for a straight swap? That's pretty rhetorical as I'm sure you have, but it would be hard for most people to justify that kind of selfishness. I'm surprised that, if you parents feel its suitable to butt in, that solution doesn't occur to them as well.
I would be devastated too if my parents were working behind my back with my partner. He must be a really good manipulator to draw them into this kind of conspiracy. What are they thinking?
I guess there's the temptation to argue your case to your parents, when the real answer is 'it's none of your business'. I'm sorry this source of support is gone for now, and I admire your strength in moving on continuing to work on yourself and your own life.
I would be devastated too if my parents were working behind my back with my partner. He must be a really good manipulator to draw them into this kind of conspiracy. What are they thinking?
I guess there's the temptation to argue your case to your parents, when the real answer is 'it's none of your business'. I'm sorry this source of support is gone for now, and I admire your strength in moving on continuing to work on yourself and your own life.
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