midnightmare

I recently decided to separate from my AH. I was falling down the dark hole of codependency and couldn't pull myself out of it with him around. Of course I'm still in love with him, and I'm really trying to handle my fears about the separation.

However, the one that's really hanging me up right now is the fear he will suddenly recover and find another woman. Even the thought of him with another women as an active alcoholic still makes me panic sometimes. Any advice on how you guys dealt with this fear?

maia1234

M,
I am so proud of you. What you did was the hardest thing you probably have ever done in your life. Just because we love someone doesn't mean that we have to live with them, we can love them from a distance. Us codies, for our own sanity sometimes need to step away from the alcoholics insanity.

My idea of sobriety is growing up, sobering up and working a program. White knuckling and not drinking is not my idea "recovery". This whole process takes a very long time. Don't worry that just because you left that he will be hit with a serenity stick and become the perfect role model. I think we all think that way, but it doesn't usually work like that. Instead they drink more because no one is around "watching" them.

I divorced after 34 years with my addict, I was nearly dying inside. But with the support of alanon, open aa meetings and nightly support on SR, I "survived". I am 2 1/2 years out and life is really good. I miss the addict sometimes, but time heals the wounds and you slowly grow and "recover" from that sick relationship that you living. My addict is still drinking and doing drugs, so nothing has changed for him, but lots for me.

I just posted this in another post, but A's are not really good partners. I will repost what an A said the other day and keep this close to your heart, its not you, its them that have the issues. "We alcoholics are rarely, if ever, capable of maintaining our end of healthy relationship while in active addiction. We just don't have the capacity for the honesty and self sacrifice involved to be a part of something greater than ourselves. "

Stick close to this forum, as education is power. You can do this my friend!! Hugs!!

midnightmare

This forum has helped me in ways I couldn't even imagine, it defiantly has helped me realize that leaving was needed. Thank you so much for your kind words, they are incredably important. Much love!

HikerLady

I do not have that fear (yet?). I've thought about it and came to the conclusion that if/when it happens and it propels him into some new found reason for sobriety and life in general that it would be absolute proof that I made the right decision walking away from it. I am sure it will hurt some, no doubt, but I will cross that bridge when/if, it does me no good to think too hard about it NOW. I absolutely love my sons father and feel that my ending of the marriage is just as good for him as it has been for me, we both have a lot of things to work on and relying on one another for 27 years has changed neither of us for the better. I hope with all my heart that he finds his way to sobriety and even think I could be happy for him if he found someone to share it with, it just cannot be me...too much, too long, I need to just let go and move on without him for my own serenity.

dandylion

midnightmare....when the fear (and misery) of straying becomes greater than the fear of leaving...it is amazing how many other fears you get over....

dandylion

correction...I meant to say "Staying", rather than "straying".....

maia1234

Hiker lady,
It is on our own time frame that we have the strength to do what we "need" to do for ourselves. Us codies give the people we love every last chance, always hoping for a different result. I have letters back from 1982 of calling out my addict for lying to me. I was definitely a slow learner. But I did it!!

Two and a half years post divorce, axh reached out and was delusionly talking about getting "remarried". They never cease to amaze you. When we come on this forum, we see that our addicts are not special snowflakes, just so "different" then every other addict. They are all so much alike, they do the same selfish behaviors, are abusive, lie, cheat and many other horrible things to their loved ones. They are truly good people who are really messed up. Then the sober people get really messed up trying to "save" the non sobered people......swirling in the toilet bowl.

Take your time and make calculated decisions. You will be ok!!!

BlownOne

However, the one that's really hanging me up right now is the fear he will suddenly recover and find another woman

The chance of him really recovering is more than likely very slim, IMHO. The chance of him finding another woman, is another matter, but the chance of him doing BOTH and having a healthy, productive adult relationship is slim to none if you ask me. Even when we embrace recovery, it takes time to learn how to be an adult, a often times a lot of it. Any relationship he enters into without having a serious amount of recovery time under his belt to learn and grow as a human being is headed for certain disaster, Just my two cents. Hugs to you.

RomanticTuring

Been with now-ex-most-of-the-time-active-alcoholic-gf for year and a half, did the full nine yards, it was messy. Now over a month since going no contact - oh boy, do I feel better! :-)

Yes, I stayed because I was afraid to leave. I just needed my "fix" of "fixing" another person. Nevermind the lies, the manipulation, the cheating, her being drunk all the time, my craziness, my insanity, my own bad behavior adding the fuel to the already burning fire. And yes I was constantly afraid how messy it will be once I leave, what will happen to her, what will she be doing, for last few months I was being constantly pulled back in just because of my fear for her well-being. I was so naive that I truly thought I was helping. Wow.

And then I just had to let her go physically, although she still was/is in my mind. For my own sanity. I could not walk that path with her anymore.

I remember one recent moment when I realized that I finally have to let go of this fear of her being with someone else. "Is she now perhaps with some other guy?" DUH! She might be, heck, she probably is, being crazy in "love" only like addicts can be. Then why am I worried since she was with few other guys already while being with me? DUH! So no need to worry about something that already happened. Yeah it hurts. It makes me sad. But why?

I've seen some saying here that "past behavior is best predictor for future behavior".

In the corner of my mind I still wish for her that she will find her way into sobriety, into recovery, into something better. But there is also a possibility that nothing changes, she will find another enabler, another addict and will live drunkenly happily ever after. And the "next" guy will also enjoy the mess of it all. Or whatever.

I know now that this is not my path to walk. I can now focus on my life, on my own path. Fix my own mess. Too bad she is not coming there with me, but again, I can not chain her and drag her with me somewhere where she is not ready or willing to go. I tried that so many times and failed again and again. I was hurting again and again. But for now, I fight every day for my own path through the life. It's not easy, but it is worth it. I am worth it.

Sasha1972

I think that no matter what the conditions under which you leave a marriage, the prospect of the other party "moving on" to someone else is still pretty daunting. I remember being really knocked back when I learned that my alcoholic ex was dating someone new very soon after we separated - even though I knew I didn't want to, and couldn't, be part of his life anymore. The feeling was "how is it fair that he gets to go back to being a normal part of a couple and I don't??". (Of course, the answer is "life isn't fair").

From what I've read, it sounds like addicts do tend to jump to another relationship really quickly. It's not necessarily a good thing, it can be chasing the high of the rush of hormones, happy feelings, excitement, etc. Looking back, my ex's second marriage did not go well and is currently ending badly for everyone concerned. His current girlfriend is someone he hooked up with in rehab, while still married to ex-wife #2. And he's still drinking.

So it is quite likely that your ex will find another woman - but that doesn't mean that he has recovered. I think it's probably safe to say that the sooner he finds another woman, the less likely it is that he's engaged in real recovery. It will probably hurt a lot if he does find someone else, but it might help to remember that what you see on the outside (and what you imagine is going on in his life - that he's happy, forgotten all about you, etc) is probably not at all what's happening in his life on the inside. And what is happening on the inside is no longer your concern.

dandylion

I was actually happy when I heard that my first husband had met someone, about six months after the divorce....because it meant that he would be less focused on trying to give me hard time....Yea!