He's working on himself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 40
Thank you again for all your comments & suggestions. I am so grateful. You are helping me as I desperately try to understand. I want to be supportive of him in his recovery. I just have to learn how do be supportive in a different way. Detach without loosing our connection. To be honest, I have a lot of fear going through this process.
I went to a different al-anon meeting yesterday. I'm going to keep trying!
PinkPetuna
I went to a different al-anon meeting yesterday. I'm going to keep trying!
PinkPetuna
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
PinkP....remember that he really doesn't need you to support him in his recovery...short of being obstructive, of course.....
His moral introspection is a very personal thing...so, I don't think you are supposed to be reading it. He should be discussing it with his sponsor and other AA support.
His recovery and AA work is a very personal journey...meant for him, alone...just like yours is for you....
Yes, I know the concept that spouses are supposed to "support" each other in their various endeavors....And, I understand that one wants to be a "good" spouse by supporting the partner...but, recovery from addictions is one time that this concept does not apply in the traditional sense.....
Does that make sense to you....?
His moral introspection is a very personal thing...so, I don't think you are supposed to be reading it. He should be discussing it with his sponsor and other AA support.
His recovery and AA work is a very personal journey...meant for him, alone...just like yours is for you....
Yes, I know the concept that spouses are supposed to "support" each other in their various endeavors....And, I understand that one wants to be a "good" spouse by supporting the partner...but, recovery from addictions is one time that this concept does not apply in the traditional sense.....
Does that make sense to you....?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
I remember feeling those feelings...the waiting and wanting the amends that never came. After quite a bit of time I realized I had to let go of all expectation. What was clear to me is that my salvation came from me honoring my own feelings and experience, and sharing them openly and honestly. When I hold back my hurt or anger, I give up on myself. It was an attempt to get a certain response from him and I realized after years that was a futile battle.
So I share and own my own experience and feelings. What I had to give up was expecting anything specific in return. MUCH harder to do, than say. But hoping he'd be motivated to see the hurt he caused me was a losing battle. I needed to honor me, even if he didn't. I needed to nurture me, and forgive me and take care of me, even when he wouldn't. It is still a day by day process. I get to have my own experience without apology. The SECOND I try to get him to respond any kind of way....I'm in misery and my peace of mind evaporates. So I let go...one day at a time.
So I share and own my own experience and feelings. What I had to give up was expecting anything specific in return. MUCH harder to do, than say. But hoping he'd be motivated to see the hurt he caused me was a losing battle. I needed to honor me, even if he didn't. I needed to nurture me, and forgive me and take care of me, even when he wouldn't. It is still a day by day process. I get to have my own experience without apology. The SECOND I try to get him to respond any kind of way....I'm in misery and my peace of mind evaporates. So I let go...one day at a time.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
PinkPetuna, what Dandylion said is so true.
In terms of figuring out what is support and what is enabling...
I crawled a marathon last year, and my husband was very supportive in my endeavor.
This is what he did:
1) Didn't make family plans on Sunday mornings because that was my scheduled long run.
2) Didn't expect me to do any housekeeping Sunday afternoon because I was too winded from my long run.
3) Endured 5-10 minutes of conversation a day about my training (I kept it to a minimum because who really wants to hear about workouts?)
4) Cheered me on the course.
5) Planned an outing when I had to scratch out of the marathon the first time, and let me cry on his shoulder when I made the decision to do so.
Believe me, I was eternally grateful that he could do all these items. It meant so much to me.
This is what he DIDN'T do:
1) Do my running for me.
2) Do my eating for me.
3) Do research on appropriate training plans. This was MY dream, not his.
4) Map out my long runs. I had to figure out where to run myself.
5) Do my stretching for me.
6) Feel my pain for me. When my knee started acting up, he did not take a hammer to his own knee and whack himself with it. That would have been nuts.
Your husband's journey is his. Your journey is yours.
In terms of figuring out what is support and what is enabling...
I crawled a marathon last year, and my husband was very supportive in my endeavor.
This is what he did:
1) Didn't make family plans on Sunday mornings because that was my scheduled long run.
2) Didn't expect me to do any housekeeping Sunday afternoon because I was too winded from my long run.
3) Endured 5-10 minutes of conversation a day about my training (I kept it to a minimum because who really wants to hear about workouts?)
4) Cheered me on the course.
5) Planned an outing when I had to scratch out of the marathon the first time, and let me cry on his shoulder when I made the decision to do so.
Believe me, I was eternally grateful that he could do all these items. It meant so much to me.
This is what he DIDN'T do:
1) Do my running for me.
2) Do my eating for me.
3) Do research on appropriate training plans. This was MY dream, not his.
4) Map out my long runs. I had to figure out where to run myself.
5) Do my stretching for me.
6) Feel my pain for me. When my knee started acting up, he did not take a hammer to his own knee and whack himself with it. That would have been nuts.
Your husband's journey is his. Your journey is yours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 40
Dandylion, I can now agree that he is going through a personal journey. Which has taken me a while to grasp (thank you SR!). Keeping something so important to our lives from each other is taking me awhile to wrap my head around.
I was not looking to read his moral introspection. But him bringing it up to me threw me for a loop. I like what you said about explaining to him that I'm glad he's progressing with the work but that he needs to discuss it with his sponsor and AA friends.
From now on I'll exclude "listening" to his step related issues from my "support" of him. I'll still join him a couple of days a week at the gym and having dinner on the table early enough that he can get to his meeting on time.
You all are the best. Thanks for helping me work through this.
PinkPetuna
I was not looking to read his moral introspection. But him bringing it up to me threw me for a loop. I like what you said about explaining to him that I'm glad he's progressing with the work but that he needs to discuss it with his sponsor and AA friends.
From now on I'll exclude "listening" to his step related issues from my "support" of him. I'll still join him a couple of days a week at the gym and having dinner on the table early enough that he can get to his meeting on time.
You all are the best. Thanks for helping me work through this.
PinkPetuna
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