TimeForMe

Hi everyone - I haven't posted in a while. I could really use some insight from you all. POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING.

Divorce from XAH was finalized a year ago. We've had to have some contact due to the house and dogs. I try to keep it minimal because of his Jekyll/Hyde responses to me. Due to my own stupidity and trying to be nice, I gave him some extra time to decide what to do about the house vs the timing in the divorce agreement. Last week, I decided I was not going to give him any more time, so I told him that we had to proceed, and he (of course) became Mr. Hyde. I know it's quacking. He said some REALLY hurtful things to me. Not a surprise. I didn't respond. In order to proceed with the settlement of the house, he was supposed to make some calls. He won't. So I had to do it in order to move things along. I am trying SO HARD to detach and allow him to do what he is supposed to. HE WON'T DO THE THINGS HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO. So I need to stay involved to make things happen. I feel so beaten down. I do not have the emotional energy to continue to manage this "relationship", and if I do nothing, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.

This week, I'm on a business trip at a truly beautiful resort. Two years ago, I was here with XAH (we work together). Due to being overmedicated by a doctor who was subsequently arrested for prescribing illegally and is now in federal prison, XAH was completely manic and paranoid. Although we were married at that time, that week was really the second to last straw that broke the camel's back of the marriage. The end came in September. I feel traumatized being here. I should be enjoying the sun, the ocean, the beauty. I can't. I don't know how. I keep reliving how bad things were two years ago.

I had to go to the house last week to pick up some things, and it was more than I could take. I can never go there again. It will break me.

On top of that, a couple months ago, I found out that my sister was abused by a relative when she was young, and there is a chance that I was too. I do not remember anything about it. I feel so terrible about my sister. Next week, I will confront this person and ask what happened. My sister remembers specific incidents, so it is not a question of whether it happened. I cannot stop thinking about it. I am having trouble sleeping and concentrating. I cry all the time. I do not know how to move on because I do not know what happened, or if other people were involved, or if my mother knew. Once I ask this person about it, my entire FOO will implode. Because I will inform the others in my family who I believe have a right and need to know. My sister is dealing with other traumatic events right now, so she does not want to be involved in this confrontation, which I understand.

I've been seeing a therapist for over a year. She has helped me tremendously with issues with XAH and helping me to understand why I've made certain STUPID choices involving men my whole life. Since this abuse allegation came to light a couple months ago, I have only been able to see her twice and it will be another two weeks before I can see her again.

I have been having anxiety attacks every day for the past two weeks. I feel traumatized. I feel out of control. I do not know how to manage this stress and I have a couple people who I have confided in but besides listening, there is little they can do. I honestly think I might have a mental breakdown and I do not know what to do about it.

Yoga is not helping. Breathing is not helping. Meditation is not helping. Therapy is not helping. I cannot stop the thoughts about this abuse situation. I feel guilty about my sister and horrified that I will have to have this discussion next week. I am in constant adrenaline mode. I am not in any danger of self-harm. I am afraid that my brain will not be able to take the stress anymore and I will have a breakdown.

There are 25 other small things that are adding to the stress but XAH and the house issue, and the abuse situation, are consuming me. Completely consuming. I cannot continue to be on high-alert all the time, but I don't know how not to be.

Help.

Sasha1972

I'm really sorry to hear this is happening to you. That's so much to deal with all at once, no wonder your sympathetic nervous system is at red alert all the time. Situations where there's an element of the unknown - how is XAH going to react, what really happened in your childhood, etc - are especially stressful because you don't know what to prepare for. I hope that you can find even a few moments of peace in the course of the day.

honeypig

TFM, I recently had a mini-meltdown of my own regarding abuse as a child, and one of the most useful things I heard was "You've already survived it--you're here, now. Whatever happened in the past is in the past."

Regarding your plan to "confront the relative"--I'd suggest sitting on your hands until you are able to talk w/your therapist. What happens if the relative denies it, which is likely? My abuser went to his grave never having admitted to it, let alone apologized for it. Just as in dealing w/an A, you need to educate yourself for your own self-defense or you'll end up being hurt even more.

I recommend a forum called "Pandora's Aquarium" here: ttp://pandys.org/forums/index.php This specific section may be a good place to start: Child Sexual Abuse - Pandora's Aquarium
Much like SR, there is a ton of information and inspiration there. I'd strongly encourage you to take a look.

I get that part of the problem, for you, is that you're not just worried about the past but about what will happen within the family when this information is revealed, and that that IS very much current. Again, please let your therapist help you through this. If this is not an area of expertise for your current therapist, find one who does specialize. Please do NOT try to go it alone. I took that route and was unprepared for the denial and attacks on me that I encountered; I took on a lot of additional pain that I sure didn't need. If you have access to professional help, please let someone knowledgeable help you.

I think it's totally understandable that you're being triggered by being at the same resort where you had such a terrible time w/XAH. However, I'll say again--this is now. He is your X. You are there on your own. Is there anything in this thread that might resonate w/you? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-haunt-us.html

And truly, if nothing you are doing is working, if you really feel you cannot keep it together for the remainder of the trip, then see if you can find a way out. I know it's business, but could you invent an emergency back home? Is there a possibility you could be open w/your superior about the problem? Is there any way you can have an online or Skype session w/your therapist? I empathize about the panic attacks, having gone through my share over the course of my life also--rationally, I know they won't kill me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel that way still at times.

I have nothing to offer about the house situation, but I hope you find something helpful in the info on abuse. Again, please don't go it alone--take some time to educate yourself and to make sure your support system is firmly in place. You're likely to need it.

Hugs, TFM.

honeypig

Also, TFM, I should have clarified that my initial go-round w/dealing w/the abuse was about 15 years ago, and that the recent mini-meltdown was those issues resurfacing, NOT the first time I was processing any of that.

There is a book called "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis that is widely used and recommended. Your local library may have it; otherwise it's available on Amazon or at ThriftBooks. https://www.thriftbooks.com/

honeypig

And I see my link to Pandora's Aquarium isn't complete, sorry:
Forums - Pandora's Aquarium

There is a link in this section to hotline numbers. Look under "Survivor Issues": http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?/...ked-questions/

dandylion

Timeforme....I think honeypig has given you some very sound responses....
I will only add that you might consider seeing a medical doctor at or near the resort, and explain the circumstances...it may be possible for you to be prescribed some short term medication to get you through...She/he can even consult with your therapist, by phone, if you give permission.....
I don't think you are going to have a "breakdown"....with acute anxiety, it is usually the "fear of the fear"....and it does feel horrible, I know....

Try not to future trip, too much, at this juncture...because you will be dealing with mostly fear...and, fear is not fact....
You must be very strong to have gotten this far...
Reach for all the support that you can get...you are not alone, and you will be o.k......

there are lots of people on this forum who understand what you are going through....

hopeful4

I am so sorry for what you, and your sister, are going through. I cannot imagine.

I can completely understand that you are in two all consuming situations. I would encourage you to seek out additional therapy if possible. I did so for a while in my community with a counselor who provides free counseling. They can work in tandem w/your current counselor if need be. I second seeing your regular doctor as well.

I also agree with the fear being the fear of the fear of the future. I am a HUGE future tripper. The thing about recovery of any kind is learning to live in the moment, and that for me has been the hardest thing to do.

I know it sounds to silly because we hear it all the time, but I have been walking/jogging to keep my mind in a better place, and to eat up time. When my child is away for the weekend, my anxiety is very high, and I have been known to just sit home and focus on that. Two of the best things I have done for myself are exercise and having a dog.

Even when I am alone, I will take my dog and jog and walk. He is super friendly, and we end up seeing tons of happy people who just want to chat and pet my dog. It's a win/win to make me feel better. And, I am a fairly slow jogger, so by the time I get ready to go, drive us there, do my jog, get home, shower, etc. I have used up a couple of hours that I would just be sitting focusing on my anxiety. I try to go when my anxiety times would be the highest.

I have also learned to journal a lot. I journal how I am actually feeling and how I am making the situation huge in my own mind versus how my rational mind should see it. For example, on your trip, I would have sat, with my journal, and forced my mind to slow down by writing about what I can see is beautiful and enjoyable. I would also write out an agenda of things I could do to make myself feel better.

These things won't solve all of your troubles, but they may help you to slow down, breathe, and just handle things in the moment.

And of course, we are here for you!!