She's Spiraling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
She's Spiraling
Hello, dear Friends.
It's been a while since I've been here, but wanted to give you an update. The AW is starting a more pronounced downward spiral, and I'm getting closer to making a move for me and my DS.
Last month she had a company function, had too much wine which was not noticeable to anyone until it smacked her hard walking to her car. She does NOT remember driving home or coming inside the house. She DOES remember the deputy sheriff who showed up at our door at 11:20 because people were texting and calling her and she never responded - she was passed out on the island in the kitchen. She also ran into who-knows how many curbs or something and caused major damage to the entire steering system, rims, and tires. It will cost us almost $3K to fix it all. She had to go in the next day and grovel to the VP of her division, act all repentant, and said it was a one-time thing... except it's not. Two days later she was back to drinking. She could have easily killed herself, or someone else.
Then we have last night: : Naturally, it’s all my fault, according to her, about what happened next. I took the dog for an earlier walk tonight because the radar showed rain coming, and I didn’t feel like walking a wet dog. When we came back she was sitting on the front steps, on Facebook, of course. I started talking to her, and she was acting really weird – she only had one glass of wine, so I wasn’t sure what was going on. But, she had a hard time following the conversation, and she looked spacey. I asked her if she was okay, twice, and she said, “I’m just sad”. I asked “Sad about what?”, and her response was, “I’m just sad.” I said, “I’m sorry you’re sad. I’m going inside.” I go inside with the pooch and put away some laundry. About 10 minutes later (at 9:15) I look outside and her head is down on her chest, it’s lightning and raining, it’s pouring rain on her feet, and she is out cold! I take the dog and we go to bed. She comes in at 9:30, goes to the pantry and drops about 3-4 things on the floor, then it got quiet again. I go down and she is slumped over the island, snoring. I go lock the front door (her phone is still outside), and go to bed. I wake up at 11:20 and tiptoe down to see where she is. She is not at the island, but I hear snoring, so I assume she’s passed out on the toilet, but she’s not there either! I look around the kitchen, and she is lying on the rug by the kitchen table, and her pants and undies are down around her knees. I go back to bed, but am so infuriated that I can’t get back to sleep. Around 12:25 I hear her making all sorts of noise – it sounds like a grocery bag. She then comes up to bed at 12:30. I go down at 12:40 and her shirt and pants are hanging over the chairs in the kitchen. Her phone is still outside - I leave it there.
This morning I go down to take out the dog and she had peed on the rug and kitchen floor by the dog's bowls last night!! I go upstairs to take a shower and take her coffee to her, and I said, “I’m not cleaning up the floor, you do it!” She said, “Why, what’s there to clean up?” I said, “Do you remember much about last night?” She said, “No, not really”. I said, “I found you at 11:20, passed out on the floor, with your undies around your knees. Sometime after that you managed to p*ss on the kitchen floor!” What the f_K did you take?!!!” She said, “I don’t take drugs, but you don’t care how I feel or what I do. I’ll clean it up.” She must have taken some sort of medication, but she wouldn't tell me anything. I’m fed up. I’m done. She has no remorse, no apology, nothing. So that makes two times in the last month that she has completely blacked out. What if DS would have gone downstairs and saw her like that?? I’m beyond words at this point – this is a new low. And she was p*ssed at me for being upset this morning!!!
Thanks to all for your support.
COD
It's been a while since I've been here, but wanted to give you an update. The AW is starting a more pronounced downward spiral, and I'm getting closer to making a move for me and my DS.
Last month she had a company function, had too much wine which was not noticeable to anyone until it smacked her hard walking to her car. She does NOT remember driving home or coming inside the house. She DOES remember the deputy sheriff who showed up at our door at 11:20 because people were texting and calling her and she never responded - she was passed out on the island in the kitchen. She also ran into who-knows how many curbs or something and caused major damage to the entire steering system, rims, and tires. It will cost us almost $3K to fix it all. She had to go in the next day and grovel to the VP of her division, act all repentant, and said it was a one-time thing... except it's not. Two days later she was back to drinking. She could have easily killed herself, or someone else.
Then we have last night: : Naturally, it’s all my fault, according to her, about what happened next. I took the dog for an earlier walk tonight because the radar showed rain coming, and I didn’t feel like walking a wet dog. When we came back she was sitting on the front steps, on Facebook, of course. I started talking to her, and she was acting really weird – she only had one glass of wine, so I wasn’t sure what was going on. But, she had a hard time following the conversation, and she looked spacey. I asked her if she was okay, twice, and she said, “I’m just sad”. I asked “Sad about what?”, and her response was, “I’m just sad.” I said, “I’m sorry you’re sad. I’m going inside.” I go inside with the pooch and put away some laundry. About 10 minutes later (at 9:15) I look outside and her head is down on her chest, it’s lightning and raining, it’s pouring rain on her feet, and she is out cold! I take the dog and we go to bed. She comes in at 9:30, goes to the pantry and drops about 3-4 things on the floor, then it got quiet again. I go down and she is slumped over the island, snoring. I go lock the front door (her phone is still outside), and go to bed. I wake up at 11:20 and tiptoe down to see where she is. She is not at the island, but I hear snoring, so I assume she’s passed out on the toilet, but she’s not there either! I look around the kitchen, and she is lying on the rug by the kitchen table, and her pants and undies are down around her knees. I go back to bed, but am so infuriated that I can’t get back to sleep. Around 12:25 I hear her making all sorts of noise – it sounds like a grocery bag. She then comes up to bed at 12:30. I go down at 12:40 and her shirt and pants are hanging over the chairs in the kitchen. Her phone is still outside - I leave it there.
This morning I go down to take out the dog and she had peed on the rug and kitchen floor by the dog's bowls last night!! I go upstairs to take a shower and take her coffee to her, and I said, “I’m not cleaning up the floor, you do it!” She said, “Why, what’s there to clean up?” I said, “Do you remember much about last night?” She said, “No, not really”. I said, “I found you at 11:20, passed out on the floor, with your undies around your knees. Sometime after that you managed to p*ss on the kitchen floor!” What the f_K did you take?!!!” She said, “I don’t take drugs, but you don’t care how I feel or what I do. I’ll clean it up.” She must have taken some sort of medication, but she wouldn't tell me anything. I’m fed up. I’m done. She has no remorse, no apology, nothing. So that makes two times in the last month that she has completely blacked out. What if DS would have gone downstairs and saw her like that?? I’m beyond words at this point – this is a new low. And she was p*ssed at me for being upset this morning!!!
Thanks to all for your support.
COD
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Most definitely!!!
All I can say is that letting go fully can appear scary & overwhelming; but in my experiences, when I've let FULLY go, it was actually freeing for me. Good luck as you navigate through these next steps.
All I can say is that letting go fully can appear scary & overwhelming; but in my experiences, when I've let FULLY go, it was actually freeing for me. Good luck as you navigate through these next steps.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What if DS would have gone downstairs and saw her like that??
I go upstairs to take a shower and take her coffee to her,
Only you can determine how much more of the escalating unacceptable behavior you are willing to put up with and expose your daughter to.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm sorry you had to experience that, it sounds awful. I have heard that urinating in inappropriate places and/or loss of bladder control is not uncommon among alcoholics - but it's so degrading for everyone who has to deal with it. The fact that she is expressing no contrition or remorse sounds like she has normalized her own behavior - sure, everyone pees on the kitchen floor, just clean it up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Yikes COD that's scary. If you truly think she hadn't drank much, she's most likely mixing pills and wine now. My sister was mixing Xanax and alcohol and would pass out with her pants and underwear around her ankles (WTH is THAT all about 😳???) She would also fall all the time and hit her head and have black eyes from it saying "she tripped over the dog leash" or some such nonsense. At some point she slept for a few days and didn't drink as much, she started seizing, went to ER by ambulance and was on life support for a week. The docs said she had 20% shrinkage of the brain. The longer your wife keeps this up the more she will be incapable of taking care of herself. Are you up to the task of being her caretaker for the rest of her life? If you leave her and take DS, she may actually choose to get help for herself. Or she may not, but that has nothing to do with you. I hope to God you're keeping records of all this to prove she's unfit for custody?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm going to say it like this, COD: I'm so sorry for your loss. She is gone; at least the parts that made her a functioning human are gone.
It sounds cold to say, but what if she HAD killed someone while driving drunk the other night? What effect would the ensuing legal doings have on your finances and your life, for how many years? Would DS's college fund go for lawyer fees?
What if she IS mixing drugs and alcohol, and ends up in a coma or w/permanent brain damage? What havoc would those health care bills wreak on your life? Again, would DS's college fund disappear to pay for her care?
At some point, inaction may result in the loss of any choice in the matter for you and DS. I would strongly encourage you to protect his and your own lives while there is still an option.
It sounds cold to say, but what if she HAD killed someone while driving drunk the other night? What effect would the ensuing legal doings have on your finances and your life, for how many years? Would DS's college fund go for lawyer fees?
What if she IS mixing drugs and alcohol, and ends up in a coma or w/permanent brain damage? What havoc would those health care bills wreak on your life? Again, would DS's college fund disappear to pay for her care?
At some point, inaction may result in the loss of any choice in the matter for you and DS. I would strongly encourage you to protect his and your own lives while there is still an option.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm sorry you're going through this...I went back to your threads and you contacted attorneys about a year ago? Did you choose one?
I hope you're documenting all of these incidents. Getting sole custody of your child is crucial given your wife's deterioration and I don't know how tough it can be for a father to obtain.
Others have more expertise to offer you...but I send you my sympathies and hope you can finally start to free your life and your son's life from this chaos.
Sending you a hug.
I hope you're documenting all of these incidents. Getting sole custody of your child is crucial given your wife's deterioration and I don't know how tough it can be for a father to obtain.
Others have more expertise to offer you...but I send you my sympathies and hope you can finally start to free your life and your son's life from this chaos.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Maybe you actually have had enough now?
Not being flippant. When the switch flipped for me, it all got a lot easier.
I knew I was going to have a long life of ever more embarrassing events to contend with. At some point YOU are the MOST important part of this process. Otherwise you become her life.
Not being flippant. When the switch flipped for me, it all got a lot easier.
I knew I was going to have a long life of ever more embarrassing events to contend with. At some point YOU are the MOST important part of this process. Otherwise you become her life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Hi COD. I can relate to the feeling. My AH had only drank about 3x between probably August-May. Once was while driving at lunch at work and once he drank and drove with the kids, which was my braking point. I moved out in April and since then he has been spiraling. He has drank several more times (and when I say "drank", it's like a fifth of hard liquor at a time that seems to impact him for like 2-3 days.
The most recent is described in my last post. I essentially found him at home passed out drunk with my 5 year old and 2 year old awake calling him.
It's sad to see this happening to someone. But I am in a place right now that I feel as though I am clearly seeing that I can't fix this. I hope he fixes it, he is a great dad when sober. It's tough. Take care of yourself and DS!
The most recent is described in my last post. I essentially found him at home passed out drunk with my 5 year old and 2 year old awake calling him.
It's sad to see this happening to someone. But I am in a place right now that I feel as though I am clearly seeing that I can't fix this. I hope he fixes it, he is a great dad when sober. It's tough. Take care of yourself and DS!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
COD - she's BEEN spiraling. you've caught her passed out on the toilet before and lots of other unpleasant drunken stuff.
i am super confused why you would hand deliver coffee to her after finding she'd peed on the floor. those two acts are so contradictory.
make your move. pull the trigger. has staying WITH her really benefited ANYONE?
i am super confused why you would hand deliver coffee to her after finding she'd peed on the floor. those two acts are so contradictory.
make your move. pull the trigger. has staying WITH her really benefited ANYONE?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi COD. Wow, she sure is spiraling.
I am going to take a stab here. This sounds just like my XAH when he would mix booze (it does not take much) w/Xanax. Same things, same behaviors, same not remembering the next day.
Sorry it continues, but glad you are still doing all you can for your DS!
Hugs to you.
I am going to take a stab here. This sounds just like my XAH when he would mix booze (it does not take much) w/Xanax. Same things, same behaviors, same not remembering the next day.
Sorry it continues, but glad you are still doing all you can for your DS!
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
For the love of God... it will stop when you stop it. No sooner, unless she dies or goes to jail or prison for killing your children or some innocent. How much more evidence do you need before you remove your children from that toxic environment? I didn't, and my now adult daughter is paying the price in spades-- I was weak and did not act as soon as I should have, and decisively as I should have (and well before I knew what to do).
I'll share my experience in this way-- our daughter is out of the house for the last three years and is exactly like her mother-- EXACTLY, and she found herself a nice older man who is an alcoholic and drug addict-- yay!
The guilt? 100 percent mine. The responsibility for keeping my daughter in that environment for 14 consecutive years? 100 percent mine. The person I should have prioritized the most I prioritized the least-- to this day I don't understand how it is I prioritized myself and her drunken mother instead, and for so many years.
I've been seeing your posts for years-- at this point there is nobody for you to point the finger at but you. You know what to do but, like me, you appear to lack whatever it takes to do the right thing for your children.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
I'll share my experience in this way-- our daughter is out of the house for the last three years and is exactly like her mother-- EXACTLY, and she found herself a nice older man who is an alcoholic and drug addict-- yay!
The guilt? 100 percent mine. The responsibility for keeping my daughter in that environment for 14 consecutive years? 100 percent mine. The person I should have prioritized the most I prioritized the least-- to this day I don't understand how it is I prioritized myself and her drunken mother instead, and for so many years.
I've been seeing your posts for years-- at this point there is nobody for you to point the finger at but you. You know what to do but, like me, you appear to lack whatever it takes to do the right thing for your children.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
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